Work Text:
At 6:34 pm last Tuesday evening, Todoroki Shouto bought two bundles of plastic wrap and an extra large tarp.
Aizawa stares at the receipt as he sits in the uncomfortable wooden chair next to the hospital bed, what used to be the annoyingly aggravating beeping of the heart monitor now just mere background noise that his ears filter out, much to the relief to his sanity.
Today is Monday.
Which means that almost a week ago, Todoroki Shouto made a plan to buy plastic wrap and tarp, went to the store and actually bought what he needed with his own two hands. It hadn’t been a fleeting thought or a passing idea but something Todoroki had planned, probably for weeks.
He had planned to die.
He had planned to kill himself.
He had planned to go to the store, buy plastic wrap and tarp and lay it down so he could slit his wris-
And no one knew.
He had met up with Todoroki countless times since Tuesday, taught him in class and praised him on his new move during heroics and even met up with him once during lunch to discuss his internship placements. Aizawa never had any feelings that Todoroki had been feeling hopeless or depressed, ready to end his life.
If Midoriya hadn’t decided to get help for his English homework and went to Todoroki’s dorm, it would’ve been too late. The call Aizawa would have gotten would have been vastly different and instead of calling an ambulance, they would have been calling a morgue and arranging a funeral.
If Midoriya hadn’t found him when he did…
There’s a quiet groan from the bed and Aizawa turns to see Todoroki blearily blinking his mismatched eyes open. His gaze is foggy and glazed when his eyes land on Aizawa, breath fogging in his mask.
“You’re awake,” Aizawa can’t help but sigh in relief, shoulders slumping and some of that tension that had been making his back stiff finally dissipating. “It’s good to see you, Todoroki.”
Todoroki makes a clumsy motion towards the mask but his hand meets resistance, yanking his hand back in a move that clearly confuses his foggy mind. His eyes sluggishly move towards the railing of the bed, where one of his bandaged wrists is restrained with a soft padded cuff. “They put that there just in case so you wouldn’t hurt yourself,” Aizawa says softly, leaning forward and putting his hand over Todoroki’s cuffed one and squeezing.
His fingers are still cold but not anything compared to how stiff and cool they had been when Aizawa had found him in the bathroom, like blocks of ice. Todoroki instead brings the opposite hand up to his face shakily and pulls down the mask, his coordination shot to all hell but still managing the task.
He tries to say something but his voice is so hoarse and cracking that it’s hard to make out. Aizawa gives him some water, holds up the glass for him while Todoroki sips from the straw before leaning in when he tries to speak again so he can hear him better.
“…Why didn’t you let me die?” Todoroki whispers and Aizawa’s heart stops.
He hasn’t heard Todoroki’s voice in five hours. He had thought this would be the end, that he would lose Todoroki here and the last words he had said to him would be ‘ I’ll bring my assignment in tomorrow, Sensei.’ He thought he would never hear Todoroki’s voice ever again.
But now Todoroki was awake and he chose to speak and his first words after he woke up were-
“Kid,” Aizawa says helplessly because what is he supposed to say to that? He had thought, assumed foolishly that Todoroki would wake up and be glad to be alive, that he would turn to Aizawa and thank him for saving his life and be happy he didn’t die.
He wasn’t expecting this.
“I didn’t want to live,” Todoroki whispers shakily and now tears are pooling in his eyes and sliding down his cheeks and he’s crying, cheeks red and standing out against the bloodless pallor of his face. “Why did you save me? I didn’t want to live !”
“Todoroki,” Aizawa clutches his hand and squeezes again, urges him to turn to look at him so he can tell him how loved Todoroki is, how much everyone would be shattered if he was gone. How the class was still blowing up his phone and trying to get updates on his condition and the countless missed calls from Hizashi and Nemura and who knows who else. “I’m sorry . I’m sorry I didn’t see you were struggling and I didn’t get you the help you needed. But I promise, you’re not alone anymore. We’ll get you help, alright? Whatever you need, I promise, all of us are here for you.”
“I wanted to rest ,” Todoroki looks at him and his eyes are so much older beyond his years, they look like he’s in turmoil, he looks like he’s been suffering and Aizawa can’t handle seeing that in a child so young. “I wanted the pain to stop-”
He never would’ve thought- he never imagined- His own student? His kid?
And he never suspected a thing ?
“Todoroki-“
The boy bursts into sobs.
“I’m sorry , Sensei,” he cries, curling in on himself like he’s trying to hide away, like he can’t bear facing the world when he’s this weak and vulnerable. “It was hurting so much that I couldn’t handle it, I didn’t want to be here, I didn’t want to be a burden -”
“You’re not , Shouto,” Aizawa whispers and he hesitantly opens his arms and Todoroki falls into them like he can’t support himself any longer. “You’re not a burden, I promise.”
“I didn’t- didn’t want to leave a mess,” Todoroki hiccups, “I tried to keep my room clean so you- so you wouldn’t have to clean and I could just leave without b-bothering anyone-”
“Oh, kid,” Aizawa squeezes him right and closes his eyes, trying to ignore the stinging so he won’t start sobbing right this instant.
He can’t get over the fact that Todoroki had been hiding all these feelings inside of him, that he had been walking around looking completely normal while his mind battled just to survive, to find worth and no one had known anything.
This… child had gone to the store on a Tuesday evening to find tarp to lie down in his dorm room so he wouldn’t leave a mess , so that the people who found his dead body wouldn’t have to clean up the blood that had spilled from him, wouldn’t have to scrub so it wouldn’t leave stains . Todoroki saw himself as such a burden his entire life that he didn’t want to burden anyone even in death-
“ Todoroki , I promise you are not a burden, okay? You are loved by so many more people than you know and it would break all of us if anything happened to you. When I saw you lying there on the floor, unmoving and pale-”
It had been devastating.
Since he had gotten that call from Midoriya, the boy hyperventilating and barely able to form words, to the point that he burst open the door to Todoroki’s dorm and found him lying limp in the bathtub, plastic covering every inch of his bathroom and blood everywhere, Aizawa’s heart had been in his throat as he prayed and prayed don’t let this be it, don’t let this be the end, save him please please save him
He doesn’t want to think what could have caused Todoroki to feel so helpless, to be in so much pain that he saw no other way out. He doesn’t want to think about the flinching and the bruising and- and Endeavor but even if he doesn’t want to think about it, he will have to eventually. He will have to sit the boy down later and talk to him about what it was like for him living in that home.
But not now.
Not when he was already so fragile, not when he was already so vulnerable .
Later.
“We’re going to get you help,” Aizawa croaks, pulling Todoroki in closer and pressing a kiss against his forehead. “And I’ll make sure that you never ever feel like a burden to anyone ever again, alright? You're loved, Shouto. Please, just- just don’t forget that.”
Todoroki just sobs in response and clings to him harder.
‘Just keep him safe,’ Aizawa prays to the skies above, closing his eyes and not bothering to hold back the tears that leak out. ‘ Please just keep him safe.’