Chapter Text
March 2003
Ellie lay in bed staring into the darkness. Mark lay beside her, his breathing regular. She envied him his untroubled sleep. The longer she lay the more wakeful she became and eventually she gave up and slipped out of bed, putting on her robe and making her way downstairs.
Her body was exhausted, she could feel it in her limbs, her brain fog was worsening but her mind refused to let her rest.
Earlier she and Mark had made love, or attempted to. Their sex life was intermittent at best these days and Ellie blamed her reluctance on tiredness. She’d only fully weaned Maddie a few months ago and was enjoying having her body back.
However nothing Mark did could make her feel sexy again, could make her feel desirable and alive. There was only one man who had ever truly done that for her, and he was not the man she’d married.
At first she’d enjoyed sex with Mark, he had been eager to please but had lacked confidence in his ability and she’d had to tell him what to do to pleasure her. It hadn’t taken long for things to become routine, a tick box exercise. He wasn’t a selfish lover but she’d never felt it was a shared experience or an expression of their love and desire for each other not like it had been with…….
Ellie made herself some tea and sat down in the armchair in her office. One of the reasons for her disquiet was a conversation she’d had with her friend at work that morning.
Her colleague Jen was a woman in her fifties, a technician in Ellie’s department who had a lively wit and a kind heart. They had found each other amongst the stuffy academics and had quickly become firm friends. Jen had no children of her own and was an honorary auntie to Charlie and Maddie.
They were in the university canteen for a mid-morning break.
‘I’m a little worried about you’ Jen came straight to the point.‘Things ok at home?’
‘Yeah uh…’ it only took these few words of kindness for Ellie to show how fragile she was feeling. She wiped her face with her fingers.
‘Oh honey’ Jen squeezed her hand and pulled a tissue from her pocket.
‘I’m sorry. God, look at me crying at work.’
Jen watched her as she wiped her eyes and pulled herself together.
Ellie sat up straighter, ‘I don’t know how much longer I can do this Jen’
‘Do what?’ her friend asked kindly.
‘The whole domestic thing, kids, husband, you know.’
‘Are you and Mark ok?’ Jen asked.
Ellie sighed and looked down at the crumpled tissue in her hands, ‘no, I don’t think we are.’
It was the first time she’d spoken the words out loud, the first time she’d acknowledged to herself that things were not ok. She thought back to the conversation she’d had with Mark two years earlier when he’d been upset about her visiting Alan in hospital.
‘And do you still love him?’
‘Mark, what kind of question is that?’
‘You either love him or you don’t Ellie, I’d say it’s pretty black and white.’
Black and white? Ellie thought, if only love were that simple. The love between her and Alan had been vivid, technicoloured, exploding with brilliance and pulsing with an ever-changing glow. Towards the end it had been shades of grey with occasional splashes of brightness, but it had never, never been black and white.
She looked across and saw Mark watching her, waiting for an answer.
‘Mark, I love you and Charlie and Maddie, isn’t that enough?’
‘You didn’t answer the question Ellie.’
‘And I won’t Mark, I’m not going down that road with you.’
That conversation had caused a rift between Mark and Ellie which had widened with every row, every refusal to have sex, every nightmare she suffered alone.
Mark was the younger son of a successful businessman. His high achieving older brother was the apple of his parents’ eye. Once they had a son to take over the family business his parents had fully expected their second child to be a girl. When Mark had come along, smaller than his brother and cerebral rather than sporty his parents had found it difficult to conceal their disappointment. It was in part his vulnerability that had attracted Ellie, she’d wanted to help him become the man he could be and she had. With Ellie by his side Mark had gained confidence, had become more successful at work and had found in fatherhood something that he was not only good at but also brought him joy.
But Ellie knew that she was now destroying him; she could see the hurt in his eyes every time she brushed him off or said she was too tired to go out. Mark could see straight through her false enthusiasm. And since that conversation two years ago he knew with absolute certainty that her love was not 100% for him.
Two evenings later:
‘Mark, we need to talk’ Ellie sat down beside him, picking up the TV remote and switching it off.
‘Do we?’ Mark asked, his eyes still on the screen.
‘Alright’ Ellie said, fighting to keep the irritation out of her voice, ‘I’ll rephrase that. I want to talk.’
Mark turned to look at her shifting himself round so that he faced her, he sighed heavily but said nothing.
‘Are you happy?’
He recoiled, he hadn’t been expecting that. ‘I thought it was you who wanted to talk, Ellie.’
‘It was, it is…and I’ve asked you a question. Are you happy?’
Mark drew a pattern in the sofa cushion with his nail then looked up at her, ‘not entirely, no.’
‘I didn’t think so. I don’t want it to be like this, but I can’t pretend any longer.’
‘Pretend?’
‘Pretend things are fine between us, I’ve been hoping it was just hormones, tiredness, but Maddie’s three now.’
‘Ellie things haven’t been fine between us since you all but admitted you were still in love with Alan Grant.’ Ellie flinched as his voice rose, the last thing she wanted was for this to escalate into a row.
‘I didn’t say that…’
‘You wouldn’t deny it.’
Mark wanted to hate Alan Grant but he couldn’t. He had liked the man when he met him, he’d been civil and respectful, never overstepping his welcome. But he had also gazed at Ellie with such longing that Mark felt that he was the one who was the interloper rather than Alan. He had noticed the way the air crackled with tension between them. Had it ever been that way between him and Ellie? If it had it was long ago and any tension between them now was heavy with words unspoken.
‘Anyway you didn’t need to say anything, I saw the way he looked at you, the way you looked at him. I’ve thought about it every day since.’
Mark held her eye now. ‘I don’t think you ever looked at me like that.’
‘Mark’ Ellie tried to take his hand but he pulled it away. ‘I meant what I said back then, you are the father of my children, I love you for that, but it’s not enough any more.’
‘So you want to be with him?’
‘I don’t know what I want, but I want to stop trying to be something I’m not. And I want to stop being unfair to you.’
Mark nodded and reached out for her hand now ‘this isn’t just about us Ellie, what about the kids?’
‘The last thing Charlie and Maddie need is parents who are unhappy. I’ve tried so hard in the last two years Mark but I can’t do it any more. I’m tired.’
Later that week:
‘There’s something I have to tell you Jen.’ They were in their usual corner table in the canteen.
Ellie saw the look of worry that passed across her friend’s face ‘what is it honey?’
She took a deep breath, ‘you’re aware that I know Dr Alan Grant, that we’re friends.’ Jen nodded as Ellie continued, ‘well I didn’t tell you the whole story. We were more than friends, we were together….for a while.’
‘Oh, and aren’t you a dark horse’ Jen smiled, ‘how long?’
‘Four years. We broke up 18 months before I met Mark.
‘Four years? That’s quite a long time. So why did you break up?’
Ellie shook her head, she didn’t really want to go back to that time but she knew that now she’d started she owed Jen the full story, ‘oh it was just the wrong time. We’d been through a bit of a bad time together and we processed it differently, we wanted different things in the end. He’s a bit older than me as you know and…I don’t know…we just couldn’t make it work.’
‘I’m picking up a bit of regret Ellie, am I right? Is Alan the the reason you and Mark are not working out?’
‘No, yes, maybe.’ Ellie sighed. ‘Two years ago Alan was…in an accident, I went to visit him in hospital, he was here in DC. I told him I’d try and go back the following day but Mark objected, we had quite an intense conversation and I ended up sending a message to Alan that I couldn’t visit after all. Mark asked me if I still loved Alan and I wouldn’t, I couldn’t deny it. Things have never been the same since then.’
‘I had no idea any of this was going on. So what happened to Alan?’
‘I suspect he was quite upset, quite angry with me. He’s one of these self-sufficient men who becomes a bit vulnerable when he’s ill. I realise now that he really needed to see me again, but I was torn between him and Mark.’
‘Have you spoken to him since?’
‘I called him a few weeks later. He was very withheld, I could tell there was so much he wanted to say. He said he went to stay with a friend in West Virginia. I spoke to him again about 6 months ago, on his birthday. That call was awful, he said he can’t really cope with seeing me, I know him and I know how difficult it would be for him to say that.’
Ellie thought back to the call.
‘Alan Grant’
‘Alan, hi….it’s Ellie.’
‘Uh..Ellie..oh…’
‘I…just wanted to call and say Happy Birthday.’
‘Oh, yeah, thanks…’
‘You having a good day?’
‘Um..yeah…well….same as usual, y’know, just a year older.’
‘Well I thought I’d call and say happy birthday.’
‘Yeah, thanks….um how are you doing?’
‘I’m good thanks, yeah’ Ellie said. ‘Work’s going well. Mind you some of my colleagues don’t take me seriously, what with being young and female.’
‘Huh, they don’t know a good thing when they have it’ she could hear the smile in his voice. ‘How’s the kids?’
‘Great yeah, Charlie’s at school now and Maddie’s a force to be reckoned with, has an opinion on everything.’
‘I can’t think where she gets that from.’
Ellie laughed,‘What do you mean?’
There was a pause.
Ellie wasn’t sure she should say it but she couldn’t help herself.‘I miss you Alan. It’d be good to see you.’
‘Uh, yeah, that’d be good. Not sure when I’ll be over your way.’
‘Well let me know if you are. You ever visit Maggie and Vik?’
‘Yeah, couple of times a year.’
‘Well I’m not that far from them, let me know next time you’re across.’
The silence stretched on so long she wondered whether he’d hung up.
‘I don’t think that’s a good idea.’
‘No?’
‘Ellie, last time I saw you, when you didn’t come back to the hospital. Well..that was a tough time for me, kind of brought up a lot of stuff and I can’t do that again.’
‘Alan…’ she gulped back the tears hoping he wouldn’t notice.
‘I’m sorry Ellie. You have your life now, I don’t think you need me in it.’
‘Alan we’re friends..’
‘I know Ellie’ he sighed ‘but you told me yourself that Mark had a problem with you seeing me. Don’t you think it’s better if we leave it?’
‘Mark and I are…no it’s…’
‘What were you going to say?’ Alan asked in barely a whisper.
‘Nothing, it’s okay. You take care Alan.’
‘Yeah, you too Ellie.’
Ellie wiped the tears away from her face and smiled as Jen handed her a tissue. ‘Thanks, Jen I think you’re going to have to stock up on tissues the way our morning coffees are going.’