Chapter Text
Washington / Montana 1995
It had been three months and it wasn’t getting easier. Ellie had hit the ground running with setting up the new department, she worked with tenacity and passion to prove the worth of both herself and her subject. She’d found a rented apartment in part of town where many of her fellow academics lived. It was everything she’d said she wanted, clean and comfortable with all amenities. There were interesting shops and restaurants and an independent cinema within walking distance; the downtown was a short bus ride away.
Ellie was fulfilled but she wasn’t happy. Everything she did had an undertone of sadness as she constantly asked herself I wonder what this life would be like with Alan here?
She missed him intensely, late at night when she was so tired she could hardly keep her eyes open she’d get into bed and let the tears come.
Once or twice she’d given in and called him. Their phone conversations were tense, there were long pauses with none of the quick-fire banter they used to share.
So she’d gone back to him.
She had a long weekend free and she’d booked a flight. Now they were lying together in bed in the trailer, sun streaming through a gap in the closed curtains.
‘I missed you.’ Ellie said, her cheek against his chest.
Alan kissed the top of her head ‘mmmmm.’
She pushed back and looked up at him, smiling ‘is that all you’ve got to say?’
He grinned and wrapped his arms tighter around her. ‘I missed you too.’
That evening they climbed the hill behind the site, trying to make it in time to watch the sun setting. Alan carried a rug and two bottles of beer. It was a place they’d been many times before and as if by unspoken agreement they decided to come up here on the evening before Ellie left to go home.
They watched as the evening sky turned from red to pink and the sun disappeared leaving a firey ribbon across the horizon.
‘It’s so beautiful up here’ Ellie sighed.
‘You don’t get sunsets like this in Washington’ Alan said his fingers idly stroking her stomach.
Ellie looked up at him from where she lay with her head in his lap. She reached up and touched his cheek. They both knew that this was the last time they would do this. The last few days had been an unexpected gift but they had to now accept that they would face the future apart.
Alan stroked her hair away from her face and gently rubbed the tears from her cheeks. ‘Come on’ he said getting up and reaching out for her hand,
‘Let’s just have tonight.’
And so they had that night, time spent unburdened by trying to work out a future together. They ate and drank and touched and talked, but there was a constant undertow of sadness. Ellie saw it in Alan’s eyes when he gazed at her in the silences. She felt it in her heart, an awareness of the chasm opening in front of her. But they both tried just to have the moment, to be together and enjoy what was here, right now, to shut out the shadows of the past or the unknown of the future.
That night they held each other, making love as an ending, a beautiful coda to finish the symphony of their time together.
The next morning however they could no longer shut out the pain, could no longer pretend that their parting was not imminent, and permanent.
Alan drove Ellie to the airport, his hand holding hers when she could no longer hide her tears. They parted with a hug, their bodies pressed together, both clinging onto the tattered remnants of what had once been so unbreakable.They didn’t kiss, the time for kissing was over, and if they started they might not be able to stop. Ellie felt the tears on Alan’s cheek against her forehead, and as they pulled apart she wiped them away with her fingers.
‘Take care of yourself’ she said, squeezing his hand.
Alan felt numb, like a man condemned.
‘You too.’ was all he managed.
He watched as Ellie walked away and disappeared from sight. ‘I love you’ he said under his breath as he turned away.
In the following weeks Ellie buried herself in work. She accepted every social engagement that was offered. She made a friend, Helen who was a lecturer in environmental science and together they went to bars and to the theatre and parties. Her life was full and she began to accept that this may be enough. However Alan was never far from her thoughts, she tried hard not to think about him. Sometimes she couldn’t resist any longer and gave in to the urge to call him, he was wary at first, but after a while relaxed into their easy conversation. He was genuinely interested in her work and her life and when he said ‘I’m proud of you Ellie’ her heart constricted and for a few seconds she was unable to speak.
Their phone calls became less frequent. Alan sometimes tried to curtail the calls and Ellie knew how much they must be hurting him.
But she would never know the reality. How long it took him to recover, how a phone call from her led to hours of sadness, anger and regret. After he hung up Alan would often take off into the hills around the site and be gone for hours, no matter what was happening at the dig. He knew his colleagues were worried about him and he knew that cutting contact with Ellie would be the best thing to do; except he couldn’t.
Despite her enthusiasm for her new life Ellie was exhausted, a deep, dragging weariness. Sometimes she could hardly get through the day and at least twice had put her head down on her desk in the afternoon and dozed off.
‘I’m worried about you.’ Helen said in her office one afternoon, ‘you look terrible.’
‘Thanks’ Ellie said heavily. ‘I’m just tired, Helen, I think I’m trying to do too much.’
‘Well you’ve also just come out of a long relationship. You must be emotionally exhausted.’
‘I guess’ Ellie said. She‘d told Helen about her break up with Alan, finding it helpful to have a confidante who had never known him.
Two weeks later the tiredness had not abated and had been joined by nausea, usually in the mid afternoon. A small seed of dread began to grow in Ellie’s mind, her period was two weeks late. Surely not!
She was on the pill but after she and Alan had separated she’d taken it a bit halfheartedly and then there was that weekend. If something was going to happen there had been plenty of opportunity.
She confided in Helen one Friday; they’d met up for drinks after work, although Ellie had decided to stick to soft drinks just in case.
‘Helen, this tiredness and feeling sick.’
‘Hmm?’
‘I think I might be pregnant.’
Helen’s eyes widened in shock ‘oh shit, Ellie. What are you going to do?’
‘I don’t know, I can’t believe this has happened.’
‘Weren’t you using anything?’
‘Yes, but I wasn’t really that strict about it, but God Helen I don’t need to feel guilty on top of anything else.’ She felt tears come to her eyes. ‘It’s what I wanted, Alan’s baby. It was one of the reasons we split up, he wouldn’t commit to having children. If it had happened by accident a year ago I suspect we’d have just got on with it, but now?’
‘Will you tell him?’ Helen asked.
‘I need to confirm it myself first.’ Ellie sighed, ‘but I’m pretty certain. And yes he has a right to know, but it’s the last thing he wants to hear right now.’
A week later
‘Alan? It’s me.’
‘Ellie. Hi, how are you doing.’
‘Um yeah, I’m good.’ Ellie lied. ‘I need to talk to you…I need to talk to you in person.’
Alan felt a stab of panic ‘has something happened? Are you okay?’
‘Alan please. I’m going to fly to Billings at the weekend, can we meet?’
‘Yeah, yeah, sure, but are you okay, you’re not sick are you?’ She could hear the worry in his voice.
‘No, I’m not sick, let’s just wait til the weekend.’
They arranged a time and venue to meet and lapsed into tense small talk until Ellie said ‘I need to go, I’m meeting a friend later.’
Alan wondered if the friend was a man. She’d met someone else, that was what she wanted to tell him. He tried to shake the thought away but his treacherous inner voice wouldn’t let it rest. She hasn’t wasted any time.
The only way he could bear this was to tell himself it was for the best.
Let her go Alan, let her go.
Billings, Montana four days later
Alan hovered at the entrance of the cafe, he didn’t know whether to go in and wait or whether she’d meant to wait outside. While he was anxiously pacing, considering what to do, Ellie arrived.
His heart lurched when he saw her, she looked beautiful as always, but as she came closer, he saw her pallor, her tired eyes, the worry on her face. She stopped in front of him then pulled him into a hug and for a long time they stood there holding each other, not speaking.
They found a table in the corner and ordered drinks.
‘Black tea?’ Alan said, ‘have you given up milk?’
Ellie gave a non-committal answer. She asked about the dig site and he gave unenthusiastic answers, they both knew they were filling in time.
When the drinks arrived Ellie relaxed a little.
‘So what is it?’ Alan asked gently.
She sighed. ‘Alan, I’m pregnant.’
For a second he couldn’t speak. He took in a breath that he couldn’t let go of. Of all the scenarios that had gone through his mind since her phone call he had never considered this. He wasn’t going to demean her by asking if she was sure or if it was his. He knew Ellie.
‘How long?’ he managed to stammer.
‘Seven weeks.’
‘Seven weeks.’ He thought about it. ‘So that weekend you came back?’ He gave a half smile ‘I guess there were plenty of chances..for something to happen.’
Ellie didn’t know how she’d expected him to react, anger maybe, blame, detachment. But she hadn’t expected this calm acceptance.
‘I’m sorry.’
‘Sorry for what?’
‘You must have assumed I was still on the pill, well I was on the pill, kind of…’
‘I guess we should have discussed it, but….’ he sighed. ‘What are we going to do?’
‘We?’
‘Ellie, I’m responsible for this too. It’s not brilliant timing but it’s happened and…’
She laid a hand on his, ‘Alan, stop. You need time to think about this. I’ve just landed this news on you, I’m not expecting you to make a snap decision’
‘I don’t need time..I..’ he stopped, looking across at her and saw tears in her eyes. ‘You do want to have this baby don’t you?’
She sniffed and tried to compose herself. ‘I’m so mixed up, it’s such bad timing. But yes I am going to have the baby, I’ll find a way, but I want you to go home, have some time to process this and we’ll talk again in a week.’
‘But Ellie…’