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While Ivan loved the stars, he hated heights.
He hated that when he was at a great height he would freeze up if he where to look down. How he would always need to avoid the edge. How he would nervously tap his foot. It was all irrational in some sense. Even thinking about heights made a shiver go down his spine.
He especially hated thinking about how he would be completely helpless if he fell. There would be nothing he could do if he fell- he would die.
Ivan could trace this fear back to when his previous owner held him over the edge of a building. Stupid human he said. Don't you ever learn your lesson? Maybe this will teach you. Ivan flailed helplessly. Unfortunately he was at the total mercy of this alien. The fear and panic was growing almost drove Ivan to tears- when he suddenly saw the sky.
It was beautiful, and the only calm he could find in such a helpless situation. At least if he where to die the last thing he saw would be something beautiful, was his thought at the time. Maybe a bit grim in hindsight but it comforted him at the time.
That being said he hated revisiting the memory. It always put him in a bad mood. Though it was a driving force for him to purely survive and not to die hopefully. So Ivan robotically moved through life. Sing, eat, sleep, repeat.
That was his routine for years.
That was until he met Till. His burning passion- brighter than a star- lit something within Ivan. Something bright, and warm.
Ivan even thought that maybe he could live instead of just surviving.
Which made it even more painful when that fated night Till let go of Ivans hand and went back into captivity- all for Mizi. But Ivan deep down expected this- after all it's what he loved about Till. That passion.
It didn't make it any less painful when he would have to listen to Till talk about Mizi- reinforcing that Ivans feelings for Till would never be returned.
But Ivan could live, if maybe just for a bit.
-
Ivan as stated before, hated heights.
Which is why the aliens must have thought this punishment to be absolutely hilarious to them.
He has to stay on a cold rooftop- that had no railings- for the night.
There was no way Ivan was going to be able to sleep up here with the amount of anxiety building in him- so he was pacing the rooftop. Trying to fend off all the thoughts on the horrible ways this could end. He hoped those aliens where having a good fucking laugh at this because Ivan sure wasn't.
SLAM
Ivan froze and spun around, where he saw a very angry alien glaring at him.
Shit shit shit.
The alien marched towards Ivan- heavy and full with rage. Before Ivan could even react he was already grabbed by the collar- the aliens frankly ugly yellow and green eyes blazed against Ivans black and red ones. Ivan could practically feel the pure anger omitting off of the alien.
It was screaming at Ivan about... something. But Ivan was focused on the aliens slow movements towards the edge of the roof.
Terror filled Ivan as he glanced up towards the alien. In times like these Ivan tried to appear apathetic and uncaring but he couldn't hide a hint of fear from his face. The alien realized Ivans fear, and smiled as it moved closer and closer to the edge before...
No no no no-
Not again- no NOT AGAIN- PLEASE-
Ivan couldn't feel the earth under him as his legs dangled over the depressing city scape. He could only look down down down- so far down. If the alien chose to it could kill Ivan in a second and there wasn't anything Ivan could do about it. He would only be able to make his last thoughts as he would plunge towards the rock solid ground where he would splatter and-
His breathing quickened as the struggled in the aliens grip- tears where starting to form in his eyes. He didn't know what to do- does he give the alien an emotional response- no no no would that only egg it on? But if he where to be emotionless that would anger it.
Ivan couldn't decide what to do- he only reached desperately for safety as his vision blurred. Trying desperately- and pointlessly- to get out of this situation NOW.
No no no no no-
SMASH- a loud sound came from behind the alien.
It grunted as it jerked Ivan away from the edge and threw him down onto the hard pavement. Ivan made a sound of discomfort. The alien muttered something along the lines of 'you where lucky this time.'
As soon as the alien left Ivan curled into himself- he couldn't breathe he couldn't think- it happened again oh god it happened again.
He didn't know what to do he was so close- he he- he couldn't do anything if he fell and-
"Ivan?"
He is stuck up here with nobody- the alien could come back- if it did then-
"Ivan?"
Then- it could would throw him off the roof- and and-
"Ivan!"
Ivan instantly flinched away and jerked his head up and saw Till standing in front of him. Fuck.
Great now you're a mess in front of Till good going Ivan- you're just so smart and in control aren't you? Ivans thoughts taunted him. Look at you, panicking over heights. Such a stupid fear.
Tills expression turned from confusion to guilt.
"I- Sorry- I uh" Till kneeled as he held out his hand- and awkwardly looked at Ivan for permission to touch him. Ivan nodded and Till gently placed his hand on Ivans shoulder.
If the alien came back now then not only would Ivan be in trouble Till would be too- great job Ivan. Ivans breathing quickened again- no that can't happen it cant- no...
"Ok ok- breathe breathe." Tills voice interrupted Ivans thoughts. "Uh- shit- um fuck- just look at me follow my breathing ok? Yeah? Can you do that?"
Ivan looked up (when did he look down again?) and nodded.
In- and out.
In and out.
In and out.
In and out.
In and out.
They sat like that for a good 30 seconds before Ivans breathing was back at a reasonable pace.
"Ok good god- uh you feeling better?" Till still as awkward as ever asked. His voice laced with concern- and understanding.
Ivan nodded in response. It was only then however that Ivan realized he was crying. He tried to wipe the tears and snot off of his face but it just kept coming.
God he's so pathetic.
"Hey hey hey-" Till grabbed Ivans hands "Remember calm- ok yeah?"
Tills face was like nothing Ivan had ever seen before in that moment- yeah he had looked at it a lot but it was different- it was gentle- but not gentle like he was talking about Mizi- gentle like he was worried about someone. About Ivan.
Ivan wondered what he did to deserve Till. (Did he deserve Till?)
The black haired boy kept crying- despite his best efforts the tears kept coming. His emotions where spilling- and he couldn't do shit about it. He felt like he was drowning and there was no escape and the more it went on the worse-
Ivan suddenly felt a warmth surround him. His eyes focused and he realized. Till was hugging him.
He what?
Ivan sat in shock for a moment. Till- hugging him? It felt unreal- Ivan thought for a moment that it was. But Ivan found himself desperately returning it. He sank into Tills figure and let his tears wet Tills shirt.
"Hey- uh- look I'm not good at this but..." Till began to talk, "But like you're not ok- and like- I don't really know exactly why you're upset, but whatever that alien did was fucked up. Yeah?"
Ivan squeezed Till at the mention of the alien.
"Yeah not talking about that guy any more-" Till continued "But you know- Mizi and Sua hug whenever the other is upset so I thought maybe y'know it'd help you." Till let an awkward pause pass "Is it helping?"
Ivan nodded, his tears began to quiet down.
"That's- that's good."
The two fell into a comfortable silence as Ivans sobs receded and at some point they lay down on the roof.
Ivan gazed at Till for a long moment. He let the boys features sink in before he muttered a very shaky, "T-thank you."
Till nodded in acknowledgement, "S'least I could do." he mumbled.
He's more beautiful than the stars. Ivan thought. I don't deserve him. He didn't really, but if only for a night- Ivan selfishly indulged himself. He buried himself in Tills warmth and savored the moment of closeness with the grey haired. boy.
Because just maybe- Ivan thought as he drifted off to sleep, just maybe Ivan could live.