Chapter Text
Fall used to be Sirius' favorite time of year. Back then he'd spend the summer counting down the days until he was safe back at Hogwarts. Surrounded by his true family. Playing pranks and spending nights laughing at whatever stupid shit came to mind. Long days spent researching animagi, and longer nights chasing after Moony under the full moon. Fall used to mean freedom. It meant friends and family. It meant going home. Fall used to make him feel safe, feel loved, feel at ease. Now all he felt was numb.
It had been a normal day. Painfully dull really. He spent it the same way every day lately had been; locked inside his flat listening to the same records, and waiting for an excuse to break out the whiskey. Some days he'd read, pouring over old books hoping to find something that might be of use to anyone. The war was going poorly, and after Dumbledore sent James and Lily into hiding, there wasn't really anything anyone could do to make any real difference.
He had to stay put. The ruse only worked if he stayed out of the public eye. He knew he was doing what was best, his inactivity kept Prongs and Wormtail alive. It kept Harry alive. And that was all that mattered. Even if the stillness of it all drove Sirius mad.
He should be fighting. His every nerve begged him to get out there and fight. Everyday the paper came and told him of all the people who died. All the muggleborns who went missing. The muggles massacred without even knowing their lives had been in danger. How many of those crimes were Bellatrix's doing? What about Malfoy? Crouch? Any of those other bastards he'd spent years around, watching as their cruelty grew, that snobbish upturned nose sense of superiority. Acting like gods just because their families had been fucking their cousins since before the Magna Carta. It was his job to stop them, to protect people from them.
But no.
He stayed home. He read his books. He listened to his records. He talked with Prongs through the mirrors. He and Wormtail spoke through the fire every night. He kept in contact with Dumbledore, sending anything he thought might be even the slightest bit useful. He stayed put, drinking his whiskey and trying to ignore the bodies piling up outside.
He was well aware the he wasn't the only one suffering. James and Peter were feeling it too. James had never been one to sit back and let other's be the hero. Sirius could tell James felt just as useless as he did. And Peter, well he was never one for danger. He'd always wanted a quiet life. But the world hadn't been kind enough to give him one. Sirius had hoped making him the secret keeper and giving him a good excuse to go into hiding might help, but instead it seemed that the fear of what was happening out there was physically eating away at poor Peter. He used to be all smiles and laughs, but lately he looked more like a still breathing corpse, all pale skin and dead eyes.
Still if there was one person Sirius was eternally grateful for it was Lily. That beautiful saint of a woman. She was probably suffering the most of any of them, after all the war was to wipe out her and everyone like her. But she took to hiding with surprising resilience. Never once did she seem on the verge of breaking like the rest of them. She was the same clever and charming woman she'd always been. Her massive heart pouring love and care onto them same as always. Maybe more actually.
Perhaps it was motherhood, or maybe she just had a form of courage the rest of them lacked. But Sirius had never heard her complain about their situation. And anytime someone brought up their inability to help, she'd fiercely remind them that all of this was worth it, so long as they kept Harry safe. And she was right of course. All it took was one look at the bright, smiling little face, and all of it was worth it. As much as it hurt to do nothing, Sirius would gladly continue if it meant keeping that little boy safe.
Sirius let his eyes scan through the evening prophet for maybe the hundredth time that day. It was Halloween. There'd be a great feast at Hogwarts. He hoped that some kid somewhere was charming the pumpkins to sing opera, or enchanting the mirrors to reflect headless version of everyone. The thought brought a small grin to his lips. One that quickly vanished when he read the names of 7 muggles that had been killed last night. A family of 5 slaughters with fiendfyre, and another 2 who's car had been destroyed with a blasting curse. He sighed, tossing the paper to the floor and begged his mind to go back to those happy thoughts of Hogwarts.
But instead his mind drifted to James and Lily, and what they'd be doing. He'd heard that muggles sent their kids out to collect sweets. He wondered if they'd be letting Harry do that. Obviously not now. Holiday or no, they were in hiding and mustn't leave. Maybe they'd dress the kid up anyway. A fawn perhaps? The idea of James parading his son as a miniature version of himself caused Sirius to chuckle. He should call them later, or maybe just stop by. It had been ages since he'd seen his godson, and Lily had asked him to visit. How long ago had that been? August? Time was getting harder to keep track of, all the days locked away all alone in his tiny flat.
He'd half made up his mind when he remembered he had a check in with Peter at 8. So instead he threw on a Bowie record, poured a glass of firewhiskey, and stared out over Brighton. It had been Remus' idea to move here after Hogwarts. He reckoned the sea air might do them both a bit of good. Sirius couldn't really care less where the lived, so long as they were together, and away from dreary old London. But of course now they were apart, Remus was off chasing werewolves and vanishing for months at a time. And Sirius was alone, staring out over a large city he couldn't explore.
Time seemed to crawl by as he waited for Peter to call. He even snuck a cigarette, even though Prongs and Lily had been nagging him to quit for ages. It helped him calm down, kept his nerves from burning up. Lately he felt like even the slightest bit of anxiety might set off enough accidental magic to burn the building to the ground.
Finally, at 5 past 8, he knelt in front his fireplace, tossed in the powered, and called for Peter Pettigrew. Only there was no answer. As he shoved his head through the flames, and Wormtail's flat spun into existence around him, there was nobody there. The room was dark, the curtains drawn, and the door unlocked.
"Wormtail?" He called, his voice bouncing around the silent room.
Something was wrong, he knew it immediately. Peter wasn't supposed to go anywhere anymore. None of them were. So where was he? And why was that door unlocked?
Sirius yanked his head free and ran to the door. He took the stairs 4 at a time, his heart beat pounding in his ears. He should tell Dumbledore. But no, it had been a bad day for the war, there was no chance he could get his attention in time. McGonagall would be busy with the feast, and Moody would be at the ministry. As he burst out onto the street, he knew that he might be overreacting. The flat didn't look attacked, perhaps Peter had the same idea as him, and sought out James for the holiday.
'Yes that must be it,' Sirius thought to himself as he ran down the street to where his bike was parked. He'd fly to Godric's Hollow; it'd be safer than apperating right now, and it'd give him time to calm down. He didn't need a lecture from Lily about worrying too much.
Still the whole flight something felt wrong. Peter would have told him, or James would have. There'd have been a note, or a patronus, or a mirror call. Maybe it slipped their minds, but Sirius couldn't shake the fear that was consuming him. It took nearly half an hour to get to the Potter's, and by the time he landed it was too late. All his worst fears flooded Sirius mind as his bike skid to a halt before the ruined cottage.
Lily's prefect lawn, Prongs' stupid wind chimes, and even the little stepping stones they'd sunk Harry's hand prints in. They were shattered, covered in debris. Half the house was gone, blown off by who knew what. The front door was wide open, the hall dark and empty. Or almost empty. Sirius fell to his knees, spewing everything in him onto the grass as he saw his best friend.
James Potter lay on the ground, hazel eyes wide and blank, his glasses cracked and askew. Sirius tried to scream but no noise came out. He wanted to cry but there were no tears. Just an incomprehensible terror and pain. It was like a part of him had been cut off and burned in front of him. Something vital and irreplaceable was gone from him.
He wiped at his mouth, and forced himself to his feet. He took a few steps forward, and knelt down to close James' eyes. The prat didn't even have his wand. "I'm so sorry." Sirius whispered, his voice sounding empty, "I should have been here sooner. I was supposed to protect you."
The floor boards creaked and plaster rained down on him as he crept through the house. He kept his wand ready, his fingers tight around it. He knew nobody was still here, he could feel it. But on the slim chance whatever monster had lingered, he'd send them to hell in the most painful way he could imagine.
He followed the devastation up, the walls growing cracked and falling away as he made his way to the nursery. There he found Lily. Sweet lovely Lily. She too laid lifeless on the floor, her auburn hair blanketing her face like a veil. But in front of her was something Sirius could never have imagined. A thin figure in a long black robe, ghostly white skin slowly crumbling to dust.
Seeing red he pointed his wand at the decaying figure, and with a boom the body was sent flying out of the house, the robes billowing in the air as it crumbled before hitting the ground. Sirius felt ragged breaths overcome him. They'd done it. Somehow James and Lily had stopped him. Voldemort was dead. Their deaths hadn't been in vain.
As he knelt next to Lily, and prepared to beg her forgiveness; he heard a startled cry from behind him. A high pitched squeal he thought he'd never hear again. He spun on the spot, not daring to feel the hope that swelled within him.
"Siri," The small voice said as Sirius caught his eye. Tears blurred his vision as Sirius lifted Harry from the crib. He pulled the boy tight to his chest, kissing the little forehead and thanking every god mankind had ever dreamed up. "Mama." The boy squirmed.
"I'm so sorry Harry." Sirius kissed his forehead again, his mouth tasting like blood. "I'm so very sorry." He carried the boy out of the house. He peppered him with kisses, checking all over to make sure he was fine. Aside from a small cut on his forehead he seemed alright. Physically anyway.
"Sad." Harry mumbled as Sirius took him from the house, a small hand reached up and tapped his tear stained check.
"It'll be alright Harry." He forced himself to sound strong, "I've got you, and I'm never letting you go."
Once they'd made it back to the street, Sirius propped Harry up on the seat of the bike, and began trying to close the cut on his forehead. He'd gotten pretty good at dealing with most scrapes and scratches, but try as he might the little cut refused to heal. "Well, we'll have to find someone better than me to deal with that." Sirius mumbled, gently messing up Harry's bedhead.
As the adrenaline began to wear off, and dread took it's place, Sirius began to wonder exactly what had happened. Even if Voldemort had killed Wormtail, the charm should have held. The secret would have passed to him, and to Remus, and Dumbledore, and Bagshot, and every other person they recklessly told. So how did old no nose get in? He shouldn't have been able to torture the knowledge out of Peter. He shouldn't have been able to learn the secret.
A stinging pain tore through Sirius' chest just at the thought of his friend being dragged from his home and tortured until he finally broke.
'But that's not how the charm works.' A voice whispered in the back of Sirius' mind, 'The secret must be freely given.' He shook his head, dark hair swirling around him. Peter's flat had been clean, empty. The door was unlocked.
"That bastard!" Sirius growled as realization washed over him. He must have sold them out, given James and Lily to Voldemort. He looked down at Harry, slumped over on the seat of the bike, eyes half open in a dream like haze. How could anyone want to hurt such an innocent creature? How could someone who had been there for nearly every major moment of this boy's life betray him? How could they have not seen Wormtail's treachery coming? They knew someone was feeding Voldemort intel, and who made a better spy than the quiet, cowardly, little rat?
There was a loud crack, and Sirius spun on the spot. His hand dove into his pocket yanking out his wand in a shower of crimson sparks. "Who's there!" He roared. "Show yourself!"
His eyes dropped down to Harry for a split second. Worse case scenario he could grab the kid and apparate. But they said you shouldn't apparate with anyone under 5, so hopefully he could have time to get on the bike and get out of here.
"Easy there!" Boomed a friendly voice.
"Hagrid?" Sirius asked incredulously.
"Aye," Hagrid came into view, he looked nervous, and tired. He walked slowly, a large pink flowery umbrella swinging in his hand. "That you Sirius? You can put the wand down."
"What are you doing here?" Sirius asked, his still firmly pointed at the friendly giant.
"Professor Dumbledore sent me." Hagrid answered, "Wanted me to get little Harry to safety."
"How'd he know?" Sirius raised an eyebrow.
"Didn't ask," Hagrid shrugged, "Is it true then?" He glanced toward the ruined cottage.
Sirius nodded grimly, his wand finally lowering, "They're dead, both of them."
Hagrid's face fell as his small eyes welled with tears, he shuddered before letting out a loud, howling sob. "And little Harry?"
"He's safe." Sirius put a protective hand on the dozing boy, "I've got him right here."
"That's a relief." Hagrid let out another croaking sob, "I was worried, Dumbledore said he was fine, but..."
"He's alright," Sirius kissed the boy's head again, "Just a little banged up is all."
"And James and Lily," Hagrid began, "How did they..."
"Don't know." Sirius looked down at his feet, "Didn't seem like they suffered, killing curse probably. It was always Voldemort's favorite." Hagrid flinched at the name. "He's dead too, I found him next to Lily in Harry's nursery. His body crumbled to dust when I tossed him out of the house."
"You sure it was him?" Hagrid asked glancing around, his fingers tightening on the flowery umbrella he held.
"Positive." Sirius met his eyes, "You can go back to Dumbledore, tell him I've got Harry. I'm his godfather, it's what..." He paused, his throat tensing as he held back the tears. "It's what James and Lily would have wanted."
But Hagrid just shook his head, "I've got my orders," He said with an air of importance, "Dumbledore said I'm to take Harry to his aunt and uncle. Said he'd be safest there."
"Safe from who?" Sirius scowled, "Didn't you hear me just now. Voldemort's dead, the war is over." Part of him wanted to say they'd won. But had they? Was but really a victory if James wasn't there to celebrate? If Lily didn't get see her son grow up? They death eaters may have lost, but Sirius felt as though certainly didn't win.
"There's still death eaters out there." Hagrid said with a glance over his shoulder, in the distance muggles began to a mass, police sirens rang out. "And once they learn what happened..."
For the briefest moment Sirius' mind went to Wormtail. If he really had betrayed them, if the little fucked actually sold them out; then this was all his fault. And if he told the head death eater, who's to say he didn't tell them all? Sirius could see it in his mind. He could find the rat easy enough. Peter was never the best at magic, and he knew nothing of the muggle world. He'd be easy to find, and even easier to kill. All it'd take was one curse, and James would be avenged. One curse and it would all be over. One curse and James would be avenged. He would understand Sirius letting Harry go with Hagrid. James would want revenge.
He looked down, at the poor little boy sitting on his bike. That thin cut on delicate skin, spreading down his forehead, just clipping his eyebrow. Those green eyes half open. Just like his mother's. What would Lily do? What would she want him to do? She'd had more reason than anyone to fight, but she accepted her need to go into hiding. It was all to keep Harry safe.
And he had his answer.
"I'm not letting you take him." Sirius said picking the boy up and hugging him close. "If Dumbledore wants him, then I'll go to him."
Hagrid didn't quite seem to understand. "I'm supposed to take him."
"Not happening." Sirius gently rocked his godson in his arms, "I promised Lily I'd protect her son, and that's what's going to happen."
"That's fine, but Dumbledore..."
"Isn't his guardian." Sirius shook his head, things becoming clear. "James and Lily said he goes to me, so that's what's going to happen."
"But it isn't safe." Hagrid took a step closer, and Sirius took a step back.
"It will be." Sirius vowed, "That said, there are actually a few things I need to discuss with Dumbledore." He took a deep breath, "I found the traitor."
"Traitor?"
"Peter," Sirius explained, "We swapped. It was a bluff." Hagrid blinked at him, his head tilting to the side. "We knew someone was selling us out. I thought it was..." His face burned with shame as he thought of his distrust of Remus. 'A problem for later', he told himself. "Anyway it was Peter. He and I swapped as secret keeper, he was the only one who could have told Voldemort where James and Lily were, the only one who could have sold out the secret."
"How can I be sure?" Hagrid asked standing up straighter, his kind eyes seeming less kind by the second.
"I don't have proof at the moment..." Sirius racked his brain. Dumbledore had cast the first charm. But Lily undid it minutes later, and cast a new one. Of course only he, James, Lily, and Peter had been there. And now with the charm broken... "The Pensive!" Sirius said a familiar grin spreading across his face, "Take me to Hogwarts and I'll show everyone how we did it."
"Maybe..." Hagrid seemed to consider it for a moment, "But Dumbledore said to take Harry to..."
"He's not going to Lily's sister." Sirius rolled his eyes, "The woman's a menace, and hated she Lily for almost their whole lives! That's the last place they'd have wanted their son."
"But Dumbledore said it's the safest..."
"I don't care." Sirius shook his head, "I'll take Hogwarts, or I'll take with me." He stood up straight and for a moment felt a wave of defiance wash over him. "And best of luck to anyone finding where I go."
"You can't mean to steal him." Hagrid roared taking another step closer, brandishing his umbrella in a way Sirius didn't exactly trust.
"It's not stealing." Sirius sighed, "He's my godson. James and Lily wanted him with me."
"But..." Hagrid scratched at his head.
"Look, you go tell Dumbledore or McGonagall, or the bloody minister for all I care. I'm taking Harry to Hogwarts, because there's things I need to tell Dumbledore about how Pettigrew might have betrayed us." And before Hagrid could do anything else, Sirius took a step back, swung his legs over his bike, and shot of into the sky. Harry fidgeted in his arms slightly. Sirius wrapped him in his jacket before casting a sticking charm to keep him snugly on Sirius' lap.
"Oh I'm fucked." Sirius laughed, a manic hollow laugh. He'd go to Hogwarts, and there was a solid chance he'd be arrested the moment he landed. But that didn't matter. He needed Dumbledore to hear him out, to know about what Peter did. To know the rat was still out there. He'd make them hear him out. And he'd keep Harry safe. He had to.