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It was a particularly chilly day in late October, the much-too brisk breeze making it all the more so. While this would’ve been annoying in any circumstance, for one particular girl named Aubrey it was just a tad more so.
She was visiting Sunny in the city for the first time in two months, so of course she’d wanted to hang out with him at the various locales to explore in the metropolis, such as the karaoke or ferris wheel. In particular, Aubrey had been interested in hanging out in the city park, wherein there was a set of awfully familiar swings… She was something of a romantic, she’d realized, ever since she started dating Sunny.
And what a thing that was- to finally be in an official relationship with the boy she’d had a crush on since she was 10. The day both of them confessed to one another was one of the best of her life, only slightly dampened by the incredible frustration that surged within her the instant she learned that Sunny had had a crush on her for even longer than she had. If they’d just been more open with one another, they could’ve started something years ago…
But tragedy had struck them all, and they were all left to stew, decay, and burn over the course of four years before finally managing to tentatively reconcile.
For one single day.
Aubrey had never been more scared in her life as when she’d flung open Basil’s bedroom door to witness the blonde-haired boy hunched over Sunny’s broken and battered form, a blade sheathed into his eye. All the while, Basil was just hysterical- though he himself passed out mere moments after they were caught.
A half-minute later, and they would’ve been too late. Sunny would’ve been lost for good from right under their slumbering selves… Sometimes Aubrey wondered what that world would be like. Would they have even found out the truth? Would Basil muster up the courage to tell them, after having stabbed his best friend to death? Would any of them have even believed him? No, none of them would’ve believed the rants and ravings of a delusional madman who’d murdered Sunny.
They’d thought Sunny mad too, at first, when he’d confessed to them the truth about what happened with Mari… how he’d thrown his violin from the stairs, causing him and Mari to fight… how he’d accidentally pushed Mari… and how Basil had hanged her. It just… It just seemed so ridiculous! So absolutely, completely ridiculous that the only possible explanation was that Sunny had gone loopy from his medication and the doctors’ operations. That had been their assumption, until…
It was the look in his eyes eye that caused her to understand. The same dead, hollow thing that had in hindsight been present ever since Sunny had reentered the outside world - but something Aubrey had convinced herself to look away from - it was no less empty than it had been before, but it was during those few minutes driven by an alarming intensity and sense of purpose that animated not only his eye, but his voice as well, which while ragged, coarse, and dry, was similarly pushed forward by the weight of meaning and the relief of a long-buried truth coming to light.
It was to her eternal shame that she reacted in the way that she did. She acted as exactly the sort of cruel and hateful monster that she was so oft accused of being by the other church-goers, by nearly everyone in town… Except of course the Hooligans… and, of course, Sunny himself…
Maybe it was for the best that her screaming got them all kicked out of Basil’s room, forcing them to pretend like nothing bad had happened while sitting down awkwardly in the reception room chairs.
Aubrey didn’t see Sunny off on his (newly rescheduled) moving day. She was much too busy then, with her fury making itself known on every mailbox in Faraway.
She was just… so angry, so hateful towards Sunny and Basil, her emotions clouding up her better judgment once again. All she could think about was how the last four years of utter hell were their fault entirely.
Perhaps her hatred would have continued on and on - for weeks, for months, for years, maybe - had it not been for her confrontation with the Hooligans. They… they had heard a number of rumors come out of what had happened with Sunny and Basil, but one of them had stuck out to them in particular.
One that Aubrey confirmed, as she relayed a carefully edited version of the night’s events.
For lack of a better term, the Hooligans were… distressed when they realized that their years of bullying towards Basil had pushed the boy to suicide. Their feelings didn’t improve once Aubrey finally admitted the true cause for her hatred for Basil… or, rather, the first cause of her hatred. They… didn’t find it a compelling justification.
They were horrified at themselves, but even more so at her.
The group fell apart, with only Kim even making an attempt to stay by Aubrey’s side… but Aubrey knew that even she was only doing so out of a true sense of care and compassion for her friend, and not because she had forgiven Aubrey - or even come close - for her sins.
And why would she? Aubrey had no excuse. Thinking back on it now… there really was no reason to bully Basil over his own photo album. She could’ve just asked him to explain himself… She could’ve just left him alone.
She didn’t have to do what she did… for years.
And she certainly didn’t have to push her new friends into the act as well.
It was disgusting to even think about, and Aubrey would never stop internally screaming at her past self for how stupid and childish she had been.
… And yet, if there was one good thing to come out of it all, it was that Aubrey could finally understand how Sunny must’ve felt, telling his own truth and facing his friends turning their backs on him in the process.
And making that singular connection allowed Aubrey to weave further realizations and comprehensions into a vast web between herself and the boy she had and continued to love.
She remembered the night at the lake, when she’d accidentally pushed Basil into the lake… when she did nothing to help him…
If Hero hadn’t shown up… Both Sunny and Basil would be dead. She would’ve been a murderer, just like Sunny.
No.
… She would’ve been far worse.
Sunny hadn’t meant to hurt his sister at all - it was as much his own mistake as it was Mari’s for having a bad knee that harmed her chances of halting her fall… or the stairs for being so damn high-up. Assuming Sunny wasn’t hiding some other deep, dark secret, this one incident may have well been the one thing Sunny had done wrong in his entire life.
But for her? Her entire life was nothing but a series of terrible decisions, a winding path of decline that somehow led to her bullying her first friend to the point of suicide. What kind of person could do something like that, with intent? What kind of monster?
…. The first thing she did was reach out to Basil, almost in a frantic attempt to make sure he hadn’t finished what he’d started. Thankfully, he was well, having managed to start the slow process of healing. Aubrey poured out everything to Basil, admitting her faults and pleading forgiveness like a beggar on the streets… In hindsight, it was a pathetic display, absolutely nothing like Sunny’s confession, which was almost professional and composed in comparison. At least Sunny had the dignity not to spend the whole time weeping on the floor and begging for forgiveness.
But despite her sins… Basil forgave her- instantly at that. In fact, he had the audacity to apologize to her afterwards. Seeing the damage she’d done to the boy- to make him think in such a self-blaming way… The prospect of forgiving Basil had seemed even more remote than forgiving Sunny previously, and yet it seemed almost obligatory at that point.
If Basil could forgive her, despite all the horrible things she’d done to him… How could she even question not doing the same for Sunny?
And so, upon leaving Basil’s house, she marched right up next to Hero and Kel’s house and demanded to know how to contact the abandoned boy.
Aubrey was the last one to reach out to Sunny, something that hanged bitter in her heart and soul ever since.
When they had their first phone call… Aubrey just completely broke down into tears and sobs, laying out all her sins to dry and begging for Sunny’s forgiveness. Sunny somehow found the courage and strength to accept her apology without a second thought- no, that was putting it too lightly. The guy actually had the audacity to apologize again for “making her feel bad.” Aubrey might’ve just burst into laughter had she not been crying and had such a response from Sunny not have been so… well-suited for the boy.
Aubrey hated the fact that she knew Sunny well enough to know that there was never a real chance of the boy not forgiving her. It ached at her, screaming at her whenever she was weak and vulnerable. Whispering into her ears tiny poisons that spat out that she was unfit to be at Sunny’s side… that she was just exploiting the boy’s feelings for her own satisfaction and absolution… that she knew he was incapable of saying ‘no’ to her. Those horrible intrusive thoughts were ever-present initially, but Sunny helped soothe them, listening to her well as he always did.
… One thing that had surprised Aubrey about the new Sunny was how… open he was to Aubrey’s advances. While Aubrey was the one who confessed first, Sunny wasted no time in sharing his own long-kept feelings for Aubrey- a degree of confidence that she honestly hadn’t expected from him… though was it bad to think so lowly of her boyfriend? Or was this just her being protective and concerned? Could it be seen as patronizing? Or-
“Aubrey? I’m carrying snacks, can you open the door?”
The girl jolted up, shaken from her delusions and internal debates and readying herself to allow Sunny into their bedroom.
And yes, it was their bedroom- as of three hours ago, at least. The two of them had been planning this for about as long as they’d been dating - Sunny had always been firm in his belief that Aubrey needed to move out of her decrepit house, and now that she could comfortably reside in his new house… The solution was clear. All they needed was his mother’s permission - which was so nonchalantly given that it almost brought Aubrey to tears right in front of her.
If there was one blessing to the foul weather, it was that she was allotted more time to unpack all of her belongings and sort out the new layout of her and Sunny’s room - with the latter’s aid, of course.
Opening the door, Aubrey welcomed Sunny back in with a smile, as the boy reciprocated, leaning over to plant a kiss on her cheeks before carefully laying down a bowl of golden brown pastries covered with a deep crimson glaze.
She tentatively touched her cheek in momentary appreciation, before plucking off one of the bowl’s residents and sliding it into her mouth. The flavor burst out more vibrantly than she’d expected, but it quickly dialed down into a more temperate tone.
“Mm, not bad,” she whistled out in approval. “Almost as good as your mom’s.”
“‘Been practicing a bit with some old cook books,” Sunny shrugged, taking a pastry of his own. “I would get her help with it, but she’s busy with work most of the time.”
“Fair,” Aubrey agreed, before an idea suddenly popped into her head. “Hey- why don’t you teach me how to cook?”
“How to cook?” Sunny seemed as though he was pondering the notion for a few moments. “… I guess I could try to teach you a few things I know- lending the books could probably help with that more, too. Is there any reason you want to learn?”
“Oh, well… it’s a useful skill, right?” Aubrey stammered somewhat. “… And I don’t want to be more of a burden on you-“
“C’mon,” Sunny reached out for Aubrey’s left hand and grasped it tightly. “You’re not a burden.”
Aubrey bit her lips slightly as her eyes drifted down to the hardwood floor. She did believe that Sunny meant what he said - but it wasn’t like Sunny was sure to speak up if she was being a burden on him… and not just in the sense of not being able to cook.
“Tell me what’s wrong?” Sunny suggested.
She shuddered a bit- it was almost funny how little things had changed, in this respect… despite her growing more confident and hardening herself against the world, and him being left with some of the worst trauma she could imagine… he was still here with her, comforting her. It should’ve been the other way around- she should’ve been there for him-
“… I feel like I haven’t really done anything to deserve this, you know?” Aubrey said softly, her gaze lifting up to stare directly at Sunny’s flat, but warm veneer. It was hilarious just how much a pale, scrawny boy missing an eye could exude such a welcoming presence.
“How so?” Sunny responded, his expression no less kind.
“I…” Aubrey struggled against the urge to turn back and close herself off. “… You’ve done so much for me, you know that? You’ve given me a home, Sunny. You know how long I’ve wanted for something like this? Begged, even? For someone - anyone - to walk up to me and offer to take me away to somewhere safe?”
Sunny’s face tightened at that.
“… I’m sorry for not getting you out sooner,” Sunny murmured into Aubrey’s ear. “It would’ve been easy for me to do, but-“
“Don’t apologize!” Aubrey abruptly snapped, before swiftly shutting her mouth in embarrassment. “… Sorry for shouting.”
“I’m so-“ Sunny stopped talking as soon as he caught sight of Aubrey’s exasperated glare at his turn of phrase.
“… You don’t have anything to apologize for. You saved me, alright?” Aubrey took a deep breath. “… And not just with the house.”
Sunny eyed her more curiously as she continued.
“Almost ever since we’ve known each other, you’ve been helping me out. Listening to my problems, being there for me…”
She forced herself to gulp down an inkling of spittle that somehow felt denser than it was truly worth.
“And what did I do in return? I- I hurt you-“
Sunny reached out for Aubrey’s shoulders to hug her deeply, an embrace which she accepted with reluctance.
“You didn’t hurt me,” Sunny whispered. “… I was the one who-“
“… It was an accident, Sunny,” Aubrey could feel just a bit of moisture coagulate on the bottom of her eyelids, much to her loathing and chagrin. “… both the knife and.... And M-Mari. But I- but I… I blamed you so much for that. How could I possibly-"
“You were grieving,” Sunny said simply. “… We’re all still grieving. I don’t hold what any of you said against you.”
“But that’s the problem, Sunny!” Aubrey rose her voice just a bit, though she feared even in the moment that she’d gone too far. “You… You’re always so... so fine when it comes to us… no matter what we do to you, you just… accept it.”
It just wasn’t fair. What had she ever done for him, anyway? She’d screamed at him, fought him on the streets with a baseball bat, almost caused him to drown, abandoned him in the first place… all while having the audacity to think of herself as the victim.
The last to forgive him- what a weight it carried in her guts, even now. Even Hero- even Hero - had forgiven Sunny before she had, well before she had.
Was that just the kind of person she was? Doomed to languish in self-pity and lash out at others?
… If this was a just world, there was no way someone like her could’ve possibly ended up with someone like him. But of course, Aubrey had learned a long time ago that this was no just world.
“… How?” She trembled slightly, even whilst sitting down. “… How are you this- and how am I… Have you really even forgiven yourself, Sunny?”
To that, Sunny could only stare at her, his eyes sporting a tone that Aubrey couldn’t quite decipher. Perhaps they would’ve had more time, but a ringing noise pulsed from the other side of the house, causing both of them to jump up to their feet, startled.
“Sunny! Mommy’s home… And she needs your help with something!”
“Coming!” Sunny called back, preparing himself to exit the room, though not before giving Aubrey an apologetic look and kissing her one last time, on the hands this time around.
As he left the room - and her - Aubrey couldn’t help but feel a familiar sense of melancholy fill her, a void from which she could grasp at nothing of value conjoined to her. It was annoying and infuriating, and the sensation itself made her feel like even more of an ungrateful bastard than she was already.
To distract herself from it, Aubrey chose to focus her attention on something more productive- namely, getting her personal items in place. While she had already unboxed them, she’d yet to file away some of her smaller possessions - namely her books and other papers. Sunny had of course granted her permission to reorganize his bookshelf to fit all of her stuff into. Though, Aubrey was reluctant to fiddle around with Sunny’s stuff, especially in getting his books out of order.
Thankfully, she did find some colored fabric boxes filled with an odd assortment of papers and files near the base of the shelf that seemed to be empty and nonconspicious enough to carry the scant few books that had been in her own possession… most of them being library books she’d neglected to turn in.
Shaking the thought from her head, Aubrey pulled out the box on the very left, sliding out smoothly as she inspected the available depth and loaded it with two thin paperback books accordingly.
She then moved on to the next box, whereupon she would make a drastic error. Assuming it to be the same weight as the previous one, she pulled once more with careless gusto- but this time around, the box was much more heavily packed, causing Aubrey’s sense of balance to suddenly become disjointed and confused, as she struggled to grapple and orient the box upon having essentially lifted it up with sheer momentum.
One thing led to another, and Aubrey fell to the floor, the box toppling over and somewhat awkwardly spilling out its contents on Aubrey’s jacket.
Aubrey cursed at the ceiling before bringing herself to her knees. She then started to frantically sort through the fallen papers, attempting to get them as neat as she possibly could.
How have I already screwed things up? Aubrey mused as she thoroughly placed paper after paper back into the box. ... Hopefully the order isn’t getting-
Her thoughts immediately froze as an odd specimen entered her hands. Unlike the other papers, this one seemed ripped from a common notebook or diary, lines and all. Additionally, it seemed incredibly worn, as if it had been folded and unfolded dozens of times. Given by the multiple faint grey patches of lazily erased graphite, it definitely seemed to be the case.
She eyed the paper closer, almost on accident at first. But as she began to piece together the admittedly smudged up letters… a sense of dread that slowly morphed into abject horror began to manifest.
Dear everyone,
If you’re reading this, it probably means I’m dead. If I am… you’re probably looking for some answers, too. Maybe.
I don’t want to spend too long on this, and I don’t want to waste any more of your time than I already have. So I’ll make this as short as I possibly can.
For a while now, I’ve wanted to die. Though, maybe that’s putting it the wrong way. It’s not like I want to kill myself… I’ve always been a wimp, and I think everyone knows I can’t stand feeling pain. I just don’t want to be alive anymore. It’s
It’s too hard.
I’ve been trying but I just can’t and I’ll never be able to do things or make things right. I’m sorry, but it’s true. I can’t pretend anymore.
I’m sorry for being a disappointment.
I’m sorry for being worthless.
I’m sorry for ruining everything.
It’s not your fault. It’s mine. I’m just not strong enough to deal with anything. Please don’t blame yourselves. Please don’t. Please don’t. Please don’t.
Please just forget about me. I hope you will. I think you will. You have to.
Goodbye.
— Sunny
She couldn’t take her eyes off the specimen, no matter how much she wanted to. It gripped her complete and total attention, forcing her to pour over every single word, every single turn of phrase, in search of something, anything that would offer her salvation.
Her thoughts were sluggish in their shock, so much so that she barely detected the sounds of Sunny walking back to their room- though when she did hear him, she rushed to shove the offending note back into its proper place, concealing it with all the papers that had been there previously, and hoping to all hell that Sunny wouldn’t recognize the difference. She also chose to keep her own books to herself for the time being- no need to disturb that which Sunny might lurk about through.
She completed her task just in time, as Sunny burst in through the door, a bottle of some sort of carbonated beverage in toe. He gave her a contrite smile, and yet it flashed with a hint of concern upon seeing her on her knees, a haunting veneer about her.
“Aubrey?” He called out with no hesitation. “Sorry for the long wait - my mother needed help with some forms, and then she asked me to help unpack the groceries. I got us some soda, though, so there’s that.”
Aubrey shivered slightly, standing up and then turning to face Sunny directly before nodding furtively.
Sunny must have caught something off, as he quickly frowned and brought himself even closer to her, once again affectionately twining his hands around hers.
“… You okay?” He questioned.
Aubrey blinked, somewhat surprised, before scrambling to resort herself. “Oh! Yeah, it’s all good. Thanks… for the drinks.”
Sunny smiled softly. “No problem.”
“So, uh,” Aubrey let out a small chuckle. “… I need to put some of my stuff somewhere, but I haven’t been able to find anywhere decent. Think you can help out with that?”
“Of course.”
And so, the two continued to discuss the matter of their shared room, placing away the last of Aubrey’s belongings before working to set up Aubrey’s bed itself. In truth, it wasn’t very laborious at all, and the two spent most of their time talking with one another about what they both had been up to over the past few months. It was an enjoyable time, to say the least…
But all the while, a dagger laid poised against Aubrey’s conscience, twisting and turning the longer she stew. Even while she forced herself to keep up pleasantries around Sunny, the gears had already turned wholly in her mind, forcing her to confront a terrifying conclusion.
Sunny…
“… is suicidal.” she concluded, barely able to keep her grip over her phone firm against her ear. “… or at least that’s what I think.”
“What you think?” Hero echoed, seeming to audibly frown. “… Where are you getting this from?”
Aubrey sighed, burying herself deeper into her blankets as if she was enveloped into a cocoon. Sunny and his mother were out of the house briefly to pick up a package at the post office, which offered her the best opportunity she was going to get to take a second opinion on the whole debacle that had a stronghold on her focus- a second opinion which she desperately needed.
She would’ve called Kim instead, but she - along with nearly everyone else - had no idea of the truth concerning Mari’s death… and so Aubrey would’ve been forced to talk around eggshells with her.
That left Hero, Basil, and Kel. And of the three, Hero was the only real adult as well as the only one with actual medical training.
“… I found his suicide note.” Aubrey’s throat felt unbelievably dry as she spoke the cursed word itself.
“… And you still aren’t sure about it?” Hero asked. Questioned by anyone else, Aubrey might’ve gotten ticked off, assuming they were being mocking or condescending. But with Hero, she knew that he simply desired a genuine answer from her.
“It was tucked away under a pile of other papers,” she informed. “… It also looked like it’s been revisited… a lot of times.”
“Ah.” Hero remarked, as if a connection had just been made in his head. “… In that case, have you tried asking him about it?”
Aubrey nearly coughed her whole bloodstream out before managing to compose herself just in time.
“What? I- no. I don’t-“ Aubrey paused, her brain already starting to nitpick the words she had planned to use as a forceful rebuke against Hero’s idea.
“… Why not?” Hero slowly inquired.
Aubrey took a heavy breath.
“… I don’t want to push his boundaries. I have no way of knowing how he’d react if I just went and confronted him about it… what if that just makes him want to die even more?”
“Those are… fair concerns,” Hero agreed, before continuing. “But I think you need to ask yourself if you’re willing to take the risk of not confronting him about this before it’s too late.”
Aubrey stared blankly at the wallpaper for a few seconds before finally responding.
“… Yeah. Damn, you’re right,” she sighed slightly, accepting her fate. “… so I should just… talk to him?”
“When you have the chance, yeah,” Hero confirmed, before hastily adding. “But make sure you’re safe too! If he gets unstable, don’t feel like you have to stay involved in that situation.”
Aubrey didn’t think Sunny was capable of being aggressive at all with her. It was Sunny, after all- he couldn’t hurt a fly; well, despite that one time he sliced her with his knife…
“I’m not just going to leave him, Hero.” Aubrey argued back, a bit annoyed with him now.
She could hear an slight sigh from the other side of the phone as Hero replied.
“Of course, I don’t mean that,” he said. “I just want you to know that it isn’t your responsibility to be his personal therapist. Your only responsibility here is to get Sunny to a certified therapist… and anti-depressants if he’s prescribed them.”
“… Are you saying I’m not qualified to help him?” Aubrey bit her lip. Why did she say that?
“I’m not saying that,” Hero reassured. “It’s just that situations like these can get tricky, and if you try and overstep yourself things might go poorly. Offer Sunny support and care- talk to him about things all you want. Just know that you don’t have to take the burden of helping him heal all onto yourself… or the blame if anything doesn’t work.”
Aubrey wondered whether Hero was echoing some part of what he’d heard himself, back when he was dealing with Mari’s ‘suicide.’ He must’ve blamed himself quite a lot, Aubrey gathered, so it might’ve been of some aid to him to dissociate from that kind of responsibility a bit. Whether it was healthy or not, Aubrey didn’t know.
“Well, I’m honestly not sure if we can afford therapy or medication at this point,” Aubrey sighed. “Just me being in the household is going to-“
“We can help pay.” Hero interjected. “Don’t worry about the money.”
“… Really?” Aubrey questioned.
“Really.” Hero answered. “We don’t want Sunny to be in a bad place any more than you do. And, like it or not, we do share some responsibility for Sunny being like this in the first place… especially me.”
His voice cracked a bit at the last turn of phrase, Aubrey noted.
“I…” Aubrey tried to hold her tongue but failed. “… I’m a little surprised.”
“How so?”
“I would’ve thought… I mean, I thought…” Aubrey dragged on. “… You would’ve held more of a grudge against Sunny.”
“… I did.” Hero admitted.
“Yeah, but you got over it pretty soon, didn’t you?” Aubrey rebuked.
“Only because I had to.”
Aubrey frowned.
“What do you mean?”
“Emotions are quicker to come in and slower to recede than the rational mind,” Hero explained. “… I knew, on a basic level, that Sunny wasn’t at fault for what happened. But I still felt horrible about the whole thing. I just thought… terrible things about Sunny… about stuff I wanted to do to him.”
Aubrey tensed up at that.
“So I did the only thing I could and removed myself from the situation,” Hero said. “… Until I was strong enough to step back in and put my head behind the wheel.”
“And have you forgiven him now?” Aubrey demanded. “… With your heart and all that?”
Hero let out a small sigh at that question, as if he was preparing himself mentally to answer it.
“… I don’t think I’ll ever feel quite the same way towards Sunny,” Hero relented. “But it doesn’t matter a whole lot. I still want to be his friend, after all.”
“Yeah.”
“… Why do you ask?” Hero then questioned, almost in an accusing tone. “Have you forgiven Sunny completely?”
Aubrey actually considered the matter for a bit of time, digging deep into her the depths of her own psyche. And she came to the conclusion that…
… She did forgive him. Completely and utterly and totally. In fact, she struggled to find anything she didn’t like about him, nowadays.
It was a little funny, in hindsight, how things had completely shifted for her so soon after the confession. She had thought, back then, if she ever did forgive Sunny, it would be a forgiveness of obligation, one done purely for her own sake and peace of mind. It would’ve been an act of letting Sunny go from her life, once and for all. She actually used to take some pleasure in fantasizing about the notion - when she wasn’t focused on hating Sunny and Basil’s guts - imagining how Sunny would come crawling back to her in disgrace, and how she’d magnanimously choose to ‘forgive’ him by tearing him asunder from her life once and for all, making sure to lambast him for all his faults in the meantime.
Thinking back on the notion now, it was such a delusional, petty concept. What would she even gain from such a display? She’d only be pushing more and more people away, just as she always had. It would not be a show of strength, to cut Sunny off from her life, nor would it be a mercy to anyone, even herself. It would simply be the fading act of a bitter waste of space, blind to her own sins whilst lambasting the imagined faults of others.
If, by any chance, a version of her existence out there in some universe… One that had chosen a path of giving up on such a radiance from her life… Especially one that took some sick sort of moral superiority or even absolution from leaving behind an obviously suicidal friend… She would’ve liked to meet her, if only so that she could sucker punch the other Aubrey in the face.
How could she not forgive him? Sunny- who had been so much stronger and kinder and better than her? How could she even begin to reach back to the ugly tantrum she’d engaged in with any sort of regrievance, when she couldn’t even muster up the wherewithal to forgive herself?
“… Yes,” she spoke plainly. “I have- I have forgiven him. I couldn’t not forgive him completely… Just look at him, you know? Adorable.”
Aubrey could almost hear Hero’s smile.
“That’s good then,” he replied, before his tone shifted into a more jovial lent. “… And you’re right. He’ll be a good husband to you, when that day comes.”
“Hero!” Aubrey half-shrieked, instinctively covering her face to hide her blush, even though there was no point.
“… You’ll be a good wife too.” He added, clearly taking some enjoyment out of the ordeal.
“Mmgh,” Aubrey grumbled, though she felt strangely gratified from being praised in such a way.
Thankfully, it was at that point that Aubrey could hear the front doors clicking open, signaling the return of Sunny and his mother.
“They’re back,” Aubrey conveyed, kicking herself off the bed at last, readying herself to greet them downstairs. “Talk to you soon.”
“See you.”
She set down her phone and prepared herself for what was to come. While having dinner, she’d have to keep all her fears, concerns, and plans to herself- she didn’t want to have to drag Sunny’s poor mother into the whole affair as well, not if she could clear things up with Sunny first and foremost. It would be… difficult, but she would manage it, for Sunny’s sake.
This time, Sunny, I’ll be there for you.
The next two hours passed by painfully slowly, her mind constantly aching for dinner to be wrapped up and for Sunny to be finished with all of his chores and other tasks. It had seemed on multiple occasions that she and Sunny were finally going to be able to get a protracted period of alone time, only to be disrupted by some sort of disruption or another.
Finally, however, Aubrey did manage to find some respite in the latter waning hours of the day. At this point, both her and Sunny had returned to their bedroom in order to watch a movie. While Aubrey had initially planned to refuse this offer from Sunny in order to cut to the chase of the matter, she figured that if everything went sour from their conversation, she might as well enjoy some mindless entertainment with the boy she loved beforehand.
The film was admittedly of middling quality, but it was oddly enrapturing, to the point that Aubrey only realized half-way through the runtime that she’d likely just completely forget about the real issue at hand if she just let things go on.
Subconsciously, she padded the lining of her shorts, feeling around for the letter she’d elected to sneak away onto her person a brief time prior to the movie. Upon locating its presence, she gained the last piece of confidence she needed to summon her senses.
And so, Aubrey made her first move, whispering into Sunny’s ear whilst cuddled right up next to him.
“Hey- Sunny,” she murmured. “… Can you pause for a ‘sec? I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something.”
“Oh?” Sunny replied, a bit flustered with Aubrey’s lack of personal space. “Sure.”
The boy turned off the television and turned to face Aubrey directly, seeming more surprised than nervous at the sudden confrontation.
“….” Despite herself, Aubrey couldn’t help but feel a cold dread fill her, a definite sense of hesitation compel her away from uttering her truth. Despite Hero’s advice, she couldn’t help but feel as though she was endangering the wondrous, yet woefully fragile, relationship they’d build together over then past few months. Another part of her bemoaned the fact that she seemed to care more about Sunny as her boyfriend than Sunny as a potentially in-danger suicidal person.
“… Sunny,” she began, intending to keep her words methodical and intentional, and yet almost immediately stumbling about as the subject matter twisted and tightened in her head. “Are you… do you want- I mean…”
Aubrey just couldn’t. She couldn’t just come out and say it.
“… How are you doing?” She feebly asked, though immediately regretting her choice in words.
“… It’s been good,” Sunny stared with a hint of concern. “How about you?”
“I… I’ve been fine too. Got done with all my stuff today - well, you know that - so we should be all good for tomorrow,” Aubrey let out a mild hum. “Is the weather going to be better?”
“Looks like it,” Sunny nodded. “We could go to the park tomorrow then - if that’s what you still want.”
“Great.”
The two sat there in silence for a few more moments, Aubrey frantically trying to piece together what she was going to say next.
“You, um… How’s school going?” Aubrey tried. “You mentioned you were going to restart it a month ago, but you haven’t said anything about it since. I know it’s probably been a little weird…”
“Well,” Sunny began, looking like he was slightly more at ease. “Missing out on a few years hasn’t helped much, but it’s been alright…. Mostly just a lot of catch-up work.”
“I see,” Aubrey noted. “Have you made any new friends?”
Sunny flippantly shrugged. “Not really? Haven’t had much time… and it’s difficult to get to know someone when they’re that much younger than you."
“Oh.” Aubrey said, internally beginning to mildly seethe at the implications of what Sunny was saying. Was he lonely? Isolated? There’s no doubt, certainly- was this part of why he was suicidal? She wasn’t sure… but she did know that the thing Sunny hated most was being alone.
“Are you being bullied?” Aubrey abruptly blurted out.
“What?” Sunny asked, clearly confused. “Not… really?”
“Well, what does that mean?” she scoffed, kicking her sheet on the floor out of exasperation.
“I mean, sometimes people give me weird looks…” Sunny admitted, gesturing towards his eyepatch. “… but they also tend to keep their distance. A little intimidating, you know? Like a pirate.”
“Mmm, a pirate…” Aubrey considered for a brief, tantalizing second. “Like that show we used to watch! Captain, er… Captain Cosmos, or something-“
“Captain Spaceboy,” Sunny immediately corrected. “We watched it all the time at my house, remember?”
“A little,” Aubrey acknowledged. “You do kinda look like that guy…”
“Really?” Sunny blinked, failing to hide his pleased tone.
“Yeah, though you’re a little scrawnier…” Aubrey observed, poking softly at Sunny’s flat torso.
“Hey!” Sunny protested, a slight blush forming on his cheeks and ears. “I’m getting better…”
“Heh, it’s fine,” Aubrey smirked with a narrow grin. “You’re a lot more adorable, anyway.”
Sunny’s blush grew even stronger as he was suddenly pelted with a barrage of kisses, courtesy of Aubrey… Almost making her forget the whole point of the confrontation.
Upon remembering that one, small fact, Aubrey straightened herself out immediately, still close to Sunny but now with a grimmer, more serious expression on her face than before.
“So, Sunny…” she started slowly, staring directly at his face and nearly cupping it to remain affixed on her own. “… You’re sure you’re doing fine? No bullies- nothing?”
Sunny simply nodded, causing Aubrey’s chest to tighten slightly, a sickening pulse coursing through her head.
“Promise?” Aubrey tried.
“Promise.” Sunny responded, sounding more self-assured than Aubrey had anticipated. It nearly planted a seed of doubt in Aubrey’s heart, a suspicion acting almost ass a beacon of hope. Though, in truth, Aubrey knew that Sunny wasn’t exactly the sort to be honest with his feelings… even with her… perhaps especially with her…
As much as it hurt to admit it to herself… Aubrey couldn’t afford to simply trust him, at this point.
Perhaps he truly wasn’t getting bullied, though- his reasoning was sound. In that case… Well, in any case, the root cause was ultimately the same.
Mari.
“… And Mari?” Aubrey questioned. “… Have you thought about her at all, recently?”
Almost immediately, Aubrey regretted her choice of words- but to no avail. Sunny’s face turned a few degrees more frigid at the comment, though she truly meant no harm.
For a terrifying moment, it seemed as though Sunny was going to explode into a tirade - or perhaps worse, implode into himself and completely shut down. If that happened… Aubrey would’ve…
It didn’t, however. Whatever he had been thinking previously, Sunny had clearly managed to collect himself, as he took in a deep breath and beamed Aubrey’s firm stare right back at her.
“I think about her every day,” Sunny admitted. “… Though I’d say every hour, if sleep wasn’t counted. It’s just… she’s just… There’s a lot to think about there.”
Understatement of the century, much?
“I understand,” she said softly. “… But you should know that Mari would want you to live on without her and be happy.”
“I’ll never be able to know that for sure, though,” Sunny retorted. “The last thing she did was scream at me… I don’t think I’ll ever forget that either.”
“I- that’s not true, Sunny, I,” Aubrey attempted, though she was already beginning to piece together some of the scattered pieces around her. “… she would be happy that you lived, even if… even if it meant she had to go instead.”
“Don’t you ever wonder, though?” Sunny mused, his eyes half-closed from fatigue. “What it would be like if I died instead?”
Sunny’s words were like a lightning rod conducting a strike of horror and paranoia straight into Aubrey’s psyche. Was this- was he…
You’ve wasted enough time already.
“Is that what you want, Sunny?” Aubrey demanded, almost slamming her elbow onto the armrests of the couch in barely simmered rage.
“Huh?” Sunny reacted, even more bewildered now than before, even scooting an inch away from Aubrey and her outburst. “I... What?”
“I’m asking you, Sunny...” she closed her eyes, all but instinctually. “... If you feel that way- if you want to die! If you’re- If you’re planning to die!”
She hadn’t meant to start shouting. What was wrong with her? What if she upset Sunny? How could he possibly get better with someone like her at his side? Someone so quick to insolence and anger?
Am I the reason he feels that way?
Aubrey opened her eyes, and she found that she was already crying, translucent streaks seeping down her cheeks.
Sunny, on the other hand, looked extremely distressed... As could be expected. But more so... He looked puzzled.
“Aubrey,” he spoke softly, yet with hardened determination. “Can you tell me why... Why you think I’m suicidal?”
Aubrey, trembling from head to toe, nodded furtively, then pulled out the damned letter from her pockets, now even more creased up than before. She handed it to Sunny, though not without a heavy dose of hesitation.
Sunny brought the letter close up to his face, with his vision impaired slightly by the dark of the room as well as his single-eyed vision. As a result, Aubrey was unable to see Sunny’s reaction, his face comically obscured by the paper... Though she yearned to receive his feelings and guide him through them... Perhaps she wasn’t worthy, however.
Finally, Sunny put the letter down on his side’s armrest, turning back to Aubrey with a surprisingly calm, untroubled face.
“So?” Aubrey inquired. “Did you write it or not?”
Sunny started stammering. “W-well, I did - technically - write it, but-”
“So it’s true,” Aubrey clenched her fists as a sour, clenched scowl grew on her face. “You-”
“No!” Sunny promptly yelled out, cutting off the coming storm of anguish and grief that had threatened to rage inside of her.
“No...” Sunny repeated, much more reserved this time around. In fact... For whatever reason, he too had started to cry.
Aubrey, once more with hesitation, opened her arms in a gesture welcoming of an apologetic embrace. Sunny gladly accepted, almost throwing herself onto Aubrey and wrapping himself around her in twine.
Aubrey rubbed her hands over Sunny’s back, attempting to provide some sort of comfort...
“Sunny-” she started, though bit her lips upon her indecision of whether to take her questioning further.
Hero had told her to confront Sunny directly... She had only started to do that. She didn’t want to hurt Sunny’s feelings, but if it meant saving his life...
“Sunny,” she spoke once more, staring directly into Sunny’s eye. “Please... Explain.”
Sunny gave put a slight sigh.
“Well... Like I said, I did write that note...”
Aubrey took a deep breath.
“... But I wrote it a long time ago.” Sunny amended.
Aubrey glanced at her surroundings in thought, then turned back to Sunny with an inquiring, curious look.
“How... Long ago?” Aubrey asked intensely. “A month? Two months?”
‘Was it after you started dating me?’ was the unspoken, true question that she didn’t dare utter out.
“No,” Sunny corrected. “... Longer. A lot longer.”
“... So right after the confession? While you were... Alone?” Aubrey guessed next, whilst clenching her teeth in anticipatory regret. If that was the case... Then they’d almost lost Sunny for good, all because they’d failed to look after him... After they’d all but abandoned him...
No, after she abandoned him...
And yet, Sunny shook his head. “No, uh, it was... Longer ago than that.”
Longer ago than-
In that case... It must’ve been while he was still keeping himself locked up in his house, isolated from the outside world... Isolated from the people he cared about... Trapped with his guilt from having killed Mari...
Aubrey had spent a whole year alone after Mari’s funeral. Without any guilt of her own, it had nontheless been a terrible experience for her. While she’d never gone as far as to write a suicide note... She couldn’t honestly say she hadn’t considered it, especially after Mari... Who for all respects Aubrey considered her big sister... Seemed to have hanged herself.
Aubrey had owned a jumprope too... She’d held it around in her hands for hours at a time in her shitty attic, back then, wondering what she would do next.
“Sunny,” Aubrey forced herself to cease her tears, for his sake. “I- I understand... You were all alone after she died.. Stuck in your house-”
“Wait! Hold- Aubrey, stop,” Sunny kept blurting out, his tone more frustrated than ever. “You still don’t know what I mean.”
Aubrey shut herself up.
“What I’m trying to say is that...” Sunny closed his eyes. “... I wrote this letter before all of that.”
Aubrey’s eyes widened, “You mean- before-”
“Yeah,” Sunny breathed out. “Before the... Accident. A few weeks before it, actually.”
“You mean- but that-“ Aubrey didn’t understand. Before the accident? But that would mean... He was already… But…
“I… I guess I didn’t tell you everything, did I?” Sunny opened his eyes to face Aubrey, an apologetic look on his face.
“You… didn’t?” Aubrey blinked. “What else did you…”
“I didn’t want to make excuses for myself,” Sunny continued. “… So I left out some of what happened before I… before all of that.”
“Go on.” Aubrey urged.
“The recital was… difficult on both of us,” Sunny cracked a twisted smile, his eyes starting to dull as his mind fogged into the mist of memories. “I was just learning for the first time, and Mari was under a lot of stress too… I wasn’t the best student or partner…”
“And so…” Aubrey gestured for him to continue.
“… So Mari got… mad at me sometimes,” Sunny barely croaked out. “And, uh, yelled at me a few times.”
Aubrey’s hands started to tremble, as her whole body shook. “She-“
“It wasn’t that bad!” Sunny reassured, frantically waving his hands in her face. “… Really. It was just… hard for me to deal with at the time… Along with not being able to spend as much time with you guys, either…”
“So that…” Aubrey winced. “That caused you to… feel that way?”
“… Yeah.” Sunny simply spoke, his tone drier and harsher than before. “I… I thought I wouldn’t be good enough. That I’d just disappoint everyone at the recital… That I’d disappoint Mari… and make her mad again.”
“So that-“ Aubrey felt like her whole world was crumbling down around her. “That would mean…”
“… I wrote the note back then when I was at my lowest point…” Sunny coughed- or was it a nervous laugh - and forced himself to cover his face yet again. “… I don’t think… I don’t remember ever planning to do it… not for real, anyway.”
None of them could see it, the poison and rot festering underneath the boards. How did they miss it?
How could she miss it?
Before, Aubrey had just assumed that the argument between Sunny and Mari was… simply and just that: an argument, prompted by an unexpected burst of anger on Sunny’s part. To think that… he was going through that kind of pain and verbal attack for months…
It made sense that he’d feel that way- that he’d be so worried about failing everyone’s expectations, that he’d grow to prefer…
But how? How couldn’t any of them see what was wrong? Were none of them paying attention at all? How could they just stand by and watch with plain ignorance as Mari and Sunny’s relationship frayed at the seams around them?
No...
Perhaps the rest of them had an excuse. Sunny and Mari were both well adapted at hiding their true emotions behind veils and masks.
But her?
All of those hours spent at the swings with Sunny, pouring her heart and soul out to him about every little thing that had irked her on a particular day… her problems at home… her feelings towards her parents… her own darkest insecurities…
Why didn’t she ever ask him how he was doing? What kind of an idiot was she, not being able to see someone that close to her feel so awful as to consider suicide?
She frantically tried to remember every single secret meeting she’d had with Sunny back then, whether he’d ever given off any signs that something was wrong- that he was feeling wrong.
… She couldn’t remember anything out of the ordinary.
Was that it, then? Were her friend’s feelings and struggles so obtuse to her that she couldn’t even bother remembering them? If she couldn’t even see that… if she couldn’t even help him at all back then…
How could she possibly help him now?
“Sunny, I…” Aubrey whimpered. “… I’m sorry.”
Sunny blinked in confusion. “Why? You’d didn’t do anything-“
“That’s the issue, Sunny!” Aubrey cried out, breaking free of Sunny to stand straight on the carpeted floor. “I didn’t… I didn’t do anything for you…”
Sunny’s expression softened as he rose in tandem, reaching out to Aubrey at the same time. “Oh… Aubrey, that’s not… It wasn’t your responsibility to fix my problems…”
“Wasn’t it?” Aubrey half-laughed out, distress seeping through every intonation she made. “You… You helped me so much back then, you know?”
“Aubrey, that’s-“
“But I-“ her fists could not be clenched tighter at that moment. “I couldn’t see you. I couldn’t help you- not when you needed it the most!”
“Aubrey-“
“But that’s the thing, isn’t it, Sunny?” Aubrey bawled out, moving her hands to suddenly grip onto Sunny’s shoulders… whether to make a point, or for simple support, she couldn’t tell. “I haven’t done anything for you- nothing at all! The only thing I can do is hurt you… The only thing I’ve done is- hell, I’m hurting you right now, aren’t I?”
She slumped down to her knees, the tears pulsing forth swifter now than ever before. It was a disgrace- but she couldn’t help it… It wasn’t like she could seem even more like a despicable fool.
“Why, Sunny…” she wept, hiding herself with her arms as she curled up into a ball. “Why do you still put up with me, after everything…”
Aubrey closed her eyes, and longed to be away- away into a time and place where she could just be someone else. Someone stronger, someone kinder, someone wiser and more understanding… Someone who wouldn’t abandon all her closest people and pretend like they did the same to her… Someone who wouldn’t bully her first friend and almost kill him… Someone who wouldn’t overlook the pain and suffering of someone who had only ever shown compassion to her…
She wanted- she wanted-
Aubrey felt a warm presence fill her just then, a familiar thing by any regards, but feeling at the same time strangely novel. Sunny’s arms clung onto her just a bit closer, his heart beating just a second faster, and his eye staring onto her with just a modicum more kindness than he’d already shown, as he came in to gently wipe the tears from her stained face.
“Aubrey…” Sunny murmured into her ear. “That’s not true… You’ve done so much for me…”
“What? What have I done? How have I helped you at all?” Aubrey cried and demanded, halfway expecting Sunny to realize just then how much of a horrible and ungrateful waste of space she was…
Instead, he simply continued.
“By being here… being here with me…” Sunny explained, whispering allthewhile. “… You have no idea how you’ve saved me…”
“…. How?” Aubrey questioned, with a healthy dose of skepticism.
“Well, to start off with…” Sunny chuckled slightly. “… If it weren’t for you, I’d probably have killed myself months ago.”
Immediately, Aubrey’s panicked senses kicked back into overdrive, and her startled expression snapped back to focus on Sunny alone.
“I- You told me you weren’t-“ she sputtered out.
“Just because I didn’t write a note doesn’t mean I didn’t feel… bad, you know?” Sunny remarked. “I felt… so alone, back then. It was the most awful, in the first few days… But then Hero stepped in, as well as Kel and Basil… And things started to feel a little better.”
“But still…” Sunny continued. “… It still felt awful, not having you around too. We were the closest back then, you know? There was always this… connection between us, one I never felt with Kel or Basil or anyone else… I felt like I could spend hours just listening to you talk, never saying a word- and it would be just fine…”
Aubrey nodded, having recognized the same exact feeling, all those years ago…
Sunny glanced up at the ceiling fan. “If you hadn’t forgiven me back then… I feel like I would’ve…”
“… I liked to think that I could’ve moved on if no one had forgiven me - or even if just some of you guys had forgiven me… That I could’ve just lived my life…” Sunny winced and gave Aubrey a pitiable glance. “… But I don’t think that’s true. I know I’m not nearly strong enough… I know I’m weak… Every day would just feel incomplete and sad.”
“And eventually… I’d just give up.” Sunny breathed out.
Aubrey scowled as she began processing his words. “But even then- that’s still all my fault, isn’t it? I could’ve just forgiven you from the start, and you’d never have to have felt like that-“
Sunny shook his head. “No- you never had to forgive me. That was a choice for you. For all of you… So the fact that you chose to forgive me, when you could’ve just left me behind… How could I ever repay something like that?”
He shot her a faint smile at those words.
“And for you, specifically? We can talk all day about whether you should’ve forgiven me earlier or not… But that wasn’t all that you did. You chose to love me, too… And I could’ve never expected that- not in a million years.”
“And now… Instead of feeling trapped in a shell of a life, scared of the whole world…” Sunny’s eye gleamed. “… I can actually spend it being happy, and looking forward to the next day…”
“The next day with you.” He refocused his gaze to sit directly on Aubrey.
Aubrey closed her eyes. Was that it? Had she… really saved Sunny that way? Just by being herself - the horrible, nasty, selfish person that she was? Did Sunny…
He really did see it that way, didn’t he? He saw her that way…
Despite everything… despite all the terrible things that had happened… the awful, horrible things that had been done to him, whether by accident or by cruel intention, he’d never once stopped trying to do what was right for others…
And despite all the mistakes she’d made… He was still here… Because of her…
At that thought, her heartbeat rang ever faster, her cheeks warming at the notion.
You really do love him, huh?
“You have horrible taste…” Aubrey muttered out-loud, still trying to keep her blush hidden. “… And you’re wrong.”
“Wrong about what?” Sunny questioned, twisting his finger around Aubrey’s neck in a playful, flirtatious motion.
“You’re not weak, Sunny,” Aubrey firmly said. “You’re… the strongest person I’ve ever known. Just… everything you’ve been through, everything you’ve done- I just hope that someday you can look at yourself and see how much you’ve done.”
“And to think-“ Aubrey laughed just a bit. “I came into this thinking I was going to save you… But you ended up comforting me, instead. If anyone’s weak here, Sunny… It’s me.”
“Well, that’s not true, either!” Sunny protested. “You’ve gone through hell with your parents for your entire life, and you’ve practically been through the same stuff I have! You’ve come so far, Aubrey…”
“I should’ve been better,” Aubrey muttered. “Even if all of what you said is true… It doesn’t change the fact that I should’ve made you talk back then. About your struggles, about your fears, about everything.”
“Well, I could’ve spoken up for myself too, but I never did…” Sunny pointed out.
Aubrey opened her mouth to retort, but found she lacked the energy or reason to do so. Instead, she merely laid her head onto Sunny’s chest, letting out a small sigh as she struggled to think of anything at all.
“Honestly, Aubrey…” Sunny continued. “… I feel like, sometimes, you put me on a bit of a pedestal.”
“What do you mean?” Aubrey frowned.
“What I mean is…” Sunny sighed. “I’m not as great as you think I am… There’s so much I could’ve said or done back then that would’ve been better than just letting my feelings sit until I exploded… And we’d all be in such a better place right now if I’d just stopped Basil or told someone.”
“You’re being too hard on yourself…” Aubrey argued.
“Am I?” Sunny shrugged. “In the end… I’ve made my fair share of mistakes, and I’ve tried to make up for them the best I can… Which is the best I can hope for… And maybe the best you can hope for too.”
“So is that it?” Aubrey sighed, dropping herself right back onto the couch and reclining into it with a faux stretch. “Are we both weak? Or… are we both strong?”
“Mmm…” Sunny hummed, taking a seat right beside her, though not before pulling back up their mutual blanket which had been forced off the couch during their argument. “Does it really matter? I don’t care if I’m weak or strong… as long as I can be that with you.”
Smooth bastard.
“Yeah…” Aubrey agreed with a warm smile, then yawned slightly. “Me too…”
She blinked, wiping her eyes with her sleeve as she realized it had gotten rather late, all of a sudden. Guess time flies when you’re having an emotional confrontation with your boyfriend…
“Sleepy?” Sunny yawned, almost synchronous in his rhythm.
“Yeah…” Aubrey nodded. “Just a bit…”
“Maybe we should just sleep here, tonight…”
“Sounds good…”
The two lovers snuggled up against one another, the couch’s size and form essentially making them into one by default. The fluffy blanket covered them in their entirety, with only their heads poking out and facing one another.
“Good night, Aubrey…” Sunny murmured, his eye already shut closed.
Aubrey had a billion and one thoughts she could’ve been considering at the moment- but, for whatever reason, none of her doubts, concerns, and fears seemed of any importance compared to what was in front of her then… the most important person in the world, right at her side…
It was like a dream, really. One that she would never wish to wake from, if given the chance…
“Good night, Sunny.”
“And…”
“… Thank you…”
“… For everything.”