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“Have you ever wanted to kiss someone?” Kyle would say during one of their many scheduled sleepovers. At least three times a week they would meet up after school to hang out all day, get homework done, and play video games until their eyes felt too sore to continue. Kyles always mentioned at every sleepover how they mean everything to him.
“What do you mean?” Stan would reply, as casually as he could, but curious enough for his response. Kyle usually doesn’t talk about relationships, or anything near that. Sometimes Stan wonders if Kyle was ever even been interested in a person before. Of course, Kyle has had small crushes on a few girls in their class when they were younger, but they never lasted long at all. Maybe at day or two at most. Stan would explain to him that those girls weren’t the right ones for him. Even after being rejected or thrown out so easily by these girls, Stan has never seen Kyle cry over one.
“Beat you.” Stan mumbled moments later, defeating Kyles character in the video game they were playing. Kyle sighed and placed the controller down, and turned to Stan.
“You know what I mean, dude.” Stan waited for Kyle to clarify, just in case they weren’t on the same page. He knew Kyle would keep talking if he stayed quiet, and he honestly preferred it that way.
“Like, just- ya know… you’re hanging out with someone and you just sort of… get distracted by like…. God- I don’t know, their lips, I guess?”
Stan chuckled a bit. Kyle fumbled through his words like he was carrying a pile of plates with one hand. Stan tended to notice small things about Kyle when he got nervous. It was endearing to him.
“I mean sure, dude. You know how much of a crush I have on Wendy. I’ve thought about kissing her all the time.” This time he doesn’t exactly lie about this. Ever since Stan first saw Wendy in the classroom, he would think of everything couples do. He wondered what it would be like to kiss Wendy. Maybe she tasted sweet like candy, he always thought. He dated Wendy for a while once he got the courage to ask her out. They kissed sometimes, usually being when they were out on dates, far away from their parents to ever discover it. They usually were quick and small. It didn’t last long, it never does.
He looked away from the video game and turned to Kyle, who was shuffling his hands around together. Another nervous fidget he had. Kyle smiled, but something was hidden from Stan’s eyes.
“Yeah, of course you have.” He mumbled. Stan licked his lips, feeling uncomfortable. Ever since they broke up for the first time and got back together, Kyles always seems upset when Stan talks about Wendy. Stan thinks for a moment. Why would Kyle even be asking about this anyways, unless…
“Have you?” Stan doesn’t know what happened in his brain to make him say that, but he felt obligated to once it was already spoken out loud. The silence that follows is terrifying. Stans heart pounds and he glances at Kyle again. He is looking down towards the floor, lost in thought. This only makes Stan feel worse. Finally Kyle looks back up at him.
“Yeah. I have.”
All Stan feels is confusion, at first. He’s known Kyle since they were in diapers and yet Kyle has never once seemed that interested in relationships. Just the idea was making Stan’s head swarm with questions. A sudden change in emotion followed suit. It was obvious how serious Kyle sounded when he answered that. Something bubbled up in his chest, and it wasn’t a good feeling. His thoughts left his mind when Kyle chuckled.
“I’ve never kissed them before. I’m way too scared to go through with that.” That only put more questions in Stan’s head. Who the hell made Kyle all of a sudden nervous about wanting to show his love for someone? It just didn’t make sense. Whenever Kyle had those small crushes he always seemed to confess or kiss them almost immediately. Kyles always been brave. Stan hasn’t.
“Do you think about kissing them now?” Stan found himself asking. His chest bubbled again with anxiety. He didn’t understand why he felt so awkward right now. Kyle closed his eyes.
“Sometimes”
Stan feels a large amount of weight land on his shoulders. Kyle wants to kiss someone right now? His super best friend wants to be with someone? Since when? Why didn’t he hear about this sooner? How long has he liked this person? Stan felt the anger rising in his chest. Has Kyle been lying to him? Was he ever gonna tell him? Clearly he has now but… what took him so long? He wants to shout at Kyle and ask him what the hell happened, why he was never told about this.
“Cool.” He said instead. Kyle shifts on the bed a bit. He can read Stan like a book, unfortunately. The air is growing rigid and Kyle takes a deep breath.
“I’m assuming you’re upset because I didn’t tell you, right?” Kyle asked him. Stans cheeks flushed and he looked away towards the window. He saw a couple of kids building a snowman. Kyle didn’t wait longer before he continued talking.
“I didn’t tell you because I knew you would be upset.” He muttered, playing with his own fingers. Stan scoffed and looked at him.
“Well of course dude, I’m always talking to you about Wendy and you’ve never told me once about this girl! When did you even start liking her?” Kyle’s eyebrows furrowed.
“Why do you care so much about my love life all of a sudden?” He asked. Stan groaned and pointed at him.
“Kyle, we talk all day long all the time about everything. This has been going on for however long now and you never told me once!”
“I knew you would be angry!”
“I’m more angry that you didn’t tell me!!!”
Kyle was growing frustrated and pulling on his bright red curls.
“I felt uncomfortable talking to you about it, Stan. I knew you would too, because I’m always uncomfortable when you talk about Wendy!” He snapped. Stan paused for a moment.
“Dude, I didn’t know you were-“
“Well yeah, Stan. I am.”
There was a long silence after that. Kyle fiddled with the controller and Stan looked around his room. The conversation ended there.
———
Later that night, Stan was wide awake in bed. He thought for a long time about what Kyle said. Especially about wanting to kiss someone. Sure, he’s kissed Wendy before plenty of times, but it was never the way he imagined it. He imagined there being fireworks and fast beating hearts and the ability to immediately go in sync with your partner. When he kissed Wendy he just felt calm, and it just seemed to make sense. But did it? He couldn’t tell. He glanced towards his laptop before grabbing it and sitting up. Stan logged into the computer and looked up some websites.
“How to feel when you kiss someone”
“Best ways to kiss someone”
“What happens when you feel like you wanna kiss someone?”
“How to practice kissing alone”
Stan groaned and closed the laptop. After over 10 minutes of reading through websites he didn’t feel comfortable. One website told him to imagine his hand or his pillow was someone else. Stan didn’t understand how that would help with kissing that much, but he went to try it out anyways. He held up his hand in front of his face, feeling like this whole thing was just some gay little way to pretend you were cool. The site told him to imagine it was someone he liked kissing. Stans only kissed Wendy before, so he went with that. Black, long hair, soft skin. He thought about what it felt like to kiss her lips. Her lips were soft and plump, and she really cared about how Stan felt. He kissed his hand gingerly, trying to see why the hell this was worth it. He continued to imagine Wendy as best as he could, with her smooth hair and bright green eyes and-
Wait, what?
Stan abruptly stopped kissing his hand. Wendy doesn’t have green eyes. Why the hell would he think she did for a second? He shook his head and went to try again.
Smooth black hair, coffee brown eyes, smooth skin, lips tasting like chapstick. She had a nice firm and long nose too. Wait, shit, that’s Kyles nose.
He thought about nice curly hair. His bright red curls were always interesting to hi- god damn it, why is he thinking of Kyle!? He kept trying to think about Wendy but he would suddenly think of Kyles face. Kyle wasn’t like Wendy physical wise. He had thin lips instead of plump ones, and his emerald green eyes were a lot different then Wendy’s hazel ones. Well- not in a bad way. Kyles eyes looked really cool, according to Stan. He’s never seen such lovely eyes, especially on a boy. And Kyles hair was awesome, too. His hair was so unique from everyone else’s, and Stan always had the urge to just play with it. Sometimes he thought about holding Kyles cheeks while Kyle cried, to wipe his tears down with his thumbs. He also thought about maybe leaning in and-
……..
Fuck.
He really wants to kiss his best friend.
He looked at his hand one last time, before pressing his lips against it for a soft and slow kiss. He was horrified, anxiety up to the roof about this new development. But the more he kissed his hand, he knew that maybe one day, his hand would be replaced. And he fell asleep at that.