Chapter Text
“So, with that said… If your feelings for me haven’t changed… how about we… start seeing each other?”
Chae Songhwa had given countless lectures at International Symposiums of Neurology. She’d been an after-dinner speaker at medical conferences and formal networking dinners. She’d even been invited to an event at the Blue House to speak on how to recruit more women into top tier surgical positions: She’d never felt at a loss for words before. But now…Songhwa bit her lip and glanced down at the whitening knuckles of her clenched fists… now she felt as inarticulate as a geeky teenager trying to confess to the star basketball player in the school playground. Was it too late to open the door of the car and run away into the rain? Maybe Ikjun wasn’t paying attention anyway and she could suck all the words back inside again. Why didn’t life come with a rewind button? They could stay friends and it would be fine and perfectly comfortable and enough and… He’d probably moved on hadn’t he? It was too late now. She was stupid. Stupid. Of course he’d have moved on; he…
Never mind moving on - Ikjun was moving! He was putting his coffee cup in the car-holder slot. What did that mean? Songhwa risked a sideways peek at his face. She couldn’t tell what he was thinking but at least he didn’t appear outraged. “I’ll give you my answer,” he said. Songwha nodded slowly, feeling a wave of desolation. He was going to say no. But she would be able to get over this silliness and it would be hard but they would both move on like they had before and everything would be clear now. She was Chae Songhwa, she was a grown up, she could…
Songhwa met Ikjun’s eyes properly and this time what she saw in them made her heart flip over. Perhaps? Could it be?? Then Lee Ikjun, Lee Ikjun, her very best friend in the world was moving towards her. He was cupping her head. His lovely familiar hands were lacing through her hair. Lee Ikjun, her push-that-feeling-away-and-bury-it-deep first love was putting his lips on her lips. Ikjun-ah was kissing her… a kiss was happening…she was kissing him…THEY WERE KISSING!
If words had failed Chae Songhwa, the tenth female Professor of Neurosurgery in Korea, earlier, it was her thoughts which scrambled now. When characters kissed in the romance manhwas she and her classmates used to surreptitiously share back in their study academy days, the feeling had often been illustrated with an accompanying explosion of hearts and flowers. There were no flowers in kissing Ikjun. There were… coffee cups and rain clouds and such soft sweetness. The butterflies and pounding heart that Songhwa had been managing all evening as she had readied herself to make her confession evaporated in the absolute rightness of this kiss: So this was where her lips had always been meant to be. It was as simple as that. She, the queen of study and Ikjun, the effortless A grader, had turned out to have been flunking the simplest exam question of all for years. What a pair of idiots!
They both drew back for breath. Ikjun must have read her thoughts- didn’t he always? He jiggled her cheeks with teasing tenderness and drew her in for a hug with a soft shoulder pat. “Good job.” His voice was light. “So is this our Day 1 or our Day 8001?”
“Yah!” Songhwa thumped his chest as he giggled gleefully. But Ikjun just pulled her in to hug her more tightly and they beamed at each other. Maybe they’d never stop beaming at each other. Except when they were kissing each other because Songhwa didn’t particularly want to stop doing that either. She leant forward and gave Ikjun a little demure peck and then pulled away with a fake-shy sidelong smile. Ikjun chuckled, “Don’t be cheeky.” He pulled her back in for a second proper full kiss and there was nothing but velvet darkness and the noise of the rain pounding on the car for a while.
“I should take you home. It’s getting late,” said Ikjun finally.
“You should get a good night’s sleep. You’re still recovering after all,” Songhwa agreed.
But Ikjun made no immediate move to start the car engine and Songhwa didn’t unlace her fingers from his hand to encourage him to do so. They sat in easy silence letting everything that had just passed between them settle and watching the rain drops slide down the windscreen: Rain drops which moved awkwardly and slowly at the top of the glass as single drops but then found a partner and became something bigger and brighter and faster as they slid down to the bottom together.
The peace was suddenly banished by an extremely loud and squelchy-sounding gurgle. Songhwa shut her eyes in embarrassment and snatched her hand away from Ikjun who shouted in laughter once more.
“Of course you’re hungry,” he said. “Maybe it’s not that late. Hey Songhwa – shall we go get some strawberry cake? The patisserie you like is on our way home…” Songhwa opened her eyes and peeked across at him and then quickly nodded her head in agreement. Ikjun smiled and started the engine.
There was only one slice of strawberry cake left at the patisserie. “Two forks?” asked the server behind the counter. “I’m afraid we’re closing in half an hour.”
“One fork is fine,” said Ikjun, holding out his card to pay.
Songhwa looked at him questioningly. “We can share?” she offered.
Ikjun shrugged, “I’d rather watch you eat. That’s enough to fill me up.”
Songhwa gave a little shiver and rubbed her arms. “Yah Ikjun-ah. That’s so cheesy!”
Ikjun drew himself up with dignity and simply raised an eyebrow. “I don’t care. I can be as cheesy as I like now. Given how long you’ve made me wait to say stuff like that you’d better watch out because there’s a full quattro formaggio pizza-worth of cheese coming your way. In fact there’s a daily fondue pot of cheese I’m planning just for you – jagiya” Ikjun’s first daring use of the endearment made Songhwa gasp in mock outrage. She buried her flushed face in her hands.
“I think it may take me some time to get used to this,” she said. But that “jagiya” - she already wanted to hear him say it again. Songhwa focused on her strawberry cake while Ikjun propped his chin on his arm and watched her eat. He told her more stories from his fortnight in Changwon: How Uju had lost a tooth and his halmeoni had taken him up to the roof to throw for the magpie to take but Uju had cried about wanting to keep it. How he'd been sent back with so many boxes of anju he was considering buying a second fridge until he’d had the great idea of gifting some to Mone’s family as a thank you for all the camping trips. About helping his abeoji repaint the guest room and them getting in a pointless argument about who should climb the ladder and then making up over some ginseng liqueur.
And about how it had felt like the longest two weeks of his life because he’d missed her so badly.
Songhwa told him about how she’d spent a full 18 hours in surgery following a nasty multi-car pile up on the freeway. About how she’d bought a new set of coloured solar powered lights for the tent awning. About how she’d received an invitation to speak at a conference in Portugal next year and was wondering whether to accept it or not. And about how she hadn’t been able to sleep at night for thinking about him and worrying about what might have happened to him and about all the time she’d wasted not admitting the truth about how she felt.
They didn’t speak and they didn’t smile now. They just gazed at each other, feeling the weight of all that had passed between them over the years and the warmth of the future that lay ahead.
“We’re closing up now. I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave,” said the server. They were the only customers left in the shop. Reluctant to break the spell, Ikjun pushed to his feet and held out a hand for Songhwa. The server held open the door and handed them a box as they went out. “Here, take today’s leftovers. There are some pastries you and your wife could heat up for breakfast,” she said with a smile. Songhwa started to demur but Ikjun took the box and said thank you.
“Never turn down free food jagiya,” he whispered in Songhwa’s ear. She elbowed his ribs sharply. The thunderstorm had passed and the night air was refreshing: The smell of water evaporating from still warm pavements mixed with the night scent of jasmine and begonia from window boxes was delicious.
“Perhaps we should walk a little after that cake,” Songhwa suggested. Ikjun reclaimed her hand, his fingers enveloping hers and his thumb idly caressing the soft pulse point spot on her wrist.
“Sure,” agreed Ikjun. “As my doctor is with me and is giving permission.”
They walked without purpose or direction, talking comfortably about everything and nothing, as they had done so many times in the past. The only difference was that they held hands, brushed shoulders, leant a little closer into one another. The only difference was all the difference. Songhwa had never felt so acutely aware of another body; the profile of Ikjun as he talked, the solid body of Ikjun pressing lightly against her, even the smell of Ikjun. How could one night have transformed her dear friend from such a familiar presence into something so entirely new? How had she managed to be oblivious to his presence all these years? He was…distracting. Nevertheless, there was something else she wanted to say.
“Uju…” she began. “I know Uju must always come first for you Ikjun-ah. And so he should of course. I don’t want you to worry about me -us - getting in the way.”
Ikjun stopped walking. He turned to face Songhwa and squeezed her hand tightly. “Thank you for saying that,” he said. “Yes, Uju must come first in one sense; we come as a pair as you know, and my free time has been for him – Although that boy has a knack of making people care about him, so even when my job has taken me away from him I’ve never worried that he’s felt lonely...”
“He does have that knack,” agreed Songhwa, smiling as she thought of the small boy who was the spit of his father in charm. “I can’t think who he takes after.”
“But you could never get in the way. What Uju needs most of all is a happy appa. And being with you makes me happy. Stupidly happy. Insanely happy. Deliriously happy, my Songhwa-ya.” Ikjun’s tone was light but Songhwa felt heat rush to her face again. He let go of her hand and suddenly darted into the small park they were standing by. “Shall we go on the swings?”
“Remind me how old you are again?” Songhwa rolled her eyes but she followed her goofball. They sat on swings next to each other and pushed themselves gently back and forth looking at the ground.
“Remember the park by the convenience store at Uni where we used to eat kimbab and banana milk after lectures?”
“Of course! They had the cabinet with your favourite steamed buns. I’m Lee Ikjun. I remember everything.”
“Huh,” Songhwa made a small circle in the dirt with her heel.
“What do you mean ‘Huh’?”
“I’m just saying – maybe you don’t remember everything. I remember everything,” Songhwa stuck out her bottom lip. Ikjun got off his swing, took off his jacket and put it over her shoulders.
“It’s turned a little chilly all of a sudden and not just the night air. What did I forget jagiya?” He crouched down in front of Songhwa and put his hands on her knees.
“Oh nothing much… Just how you also cruelly rejected me back then and bruised my poor innocent twenty year old heart Lee Ikjun.”
Some of Songhwa’s hair was dangling over her face. Ikjun raised a hand and gently brushed it away and looped it behind her ear. “As if I’d have forgotten that. As if I haven’t been replaying that mistake on a loop over and again since you rejected me last year. We’ll blame our dear Bear shall we? And I’ll have you know MY heart broke first. I had a birthday ring picked out for you and everything!”
Songhwa looked up, startled, “You bought me a ring??”
“Never mind,” Ikjun shrugged. “I’ll get you a much nicer one this time. And we can punish Bear by not inviting him to our wedding…”
“LEE IKJUN!” Songhwa thumped his shoulder.
“What? I’m kidding, I’m kidding! Of course Bear has to come to our wedding. We’ll punish him by making him be the MC instead.”
“You KNOW that’s not what I meant… I just can’t with you…” Despite herself Songhwa collapsed into laughter.
“I’m just saying that, whatever mistakes we made twenty years ago, there is no escape now. You can never take that confession back Songhwa because I am all in. And you have no idea just how much I’m going to be spoiling you from now on so be prepared,” Ikjun’s tone was jokey but when Songhwa stopped laughing and met his eyes she found were so full of love for her that a lump formed in her throat. She knew she couldn’t say anything back without crying, so she just nodded and squeezed his hand. He returned the pressure, “And now I really will take you home.” Songhwa nodded again.
Slowly, their steps in sync, they left the park and headed towards Songhwa’s apartment block. It was much closer than either of them wanted it to be.
“I’ll say goodnight then,” said Ikjun when they reached the main entrance.
“Yes,” said Songhwa but she didn’t let go of his hand and Ikjun made no move to step away.
“Unless perhaps, I could see you to your door? It is pretty late and there might be weirdos in the lift.”
“Weirder than you? Unlikely. But you can see me to my door Ikjun-ah,” Songhwa turned to go inside and still didn’t let go of Ikjun’s hand, despite the curious eyes of the security guard. In silence they stepped into the lift and in silence travelled up to Songhwa’s floor and walked even more slowly down the corridor to her actual front door. Songhwa only let go of Ikjun’s hand to punch in the entrance code and open the door.
“That’s you safe home then,” said Ikjun resolutely. “I’ll text you when I get home and maybe we can have breakfast together tomorrow as Uju’s away?”
Songhwa turned to face him. “I’d love to have breakfast with you tomorrow.”
Ikjun nodded, “Great. Well then, good night. Sleep well… jagiya” He stood with his arms by his sides looking uncharacteristically uncertain and then started to turn away.
“Ikjun-ah,” Songhwa called softly. He turned back round and she placed a hand on his chest. She could feel his heart pounding. Her own was pounding too. “Given Uju’s away and your head is healed now… and it’s really Day 8001 for us… then maybe… you could…we could…” She was struggling for words again but she didn’t need them this time. Ikjun was already scooping her into his arms and blocking her mouth with his mouth and then she was unbuttoning his shirt and then he was untucking her blouse from the back of her trousers and then they were stumbling through the door and they were kicking off shoes and scattering a box of croissants and knocking into a light and sending papers off a desk and…
They were home.