Chapter Text
--carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]--
CG: ATTENTION, WORTHLESS HUMAN.
CG: THIS IS YOUR GOD SPEAKING.
CG: I AM A WRATHFUL GOD WHO DESPISES THIS ASSIGNMENT MORE THAN YOU COULD HAVE POSSIBLY DARED.
CG: I HAVE WATCHED MY GRADE PLUMMET, WATCHED MY SCHOOLFEEDMATES TREMBLE IN FEAR AND SHAME AS THE END OF THE SWEEP APPROACHES.
CG: THERE WILL BE NO HEARTFELT EXCHANGES IN STORE FOR YOU, HUMAN, ONLY THE MOST CLINICAL AND ACADEMICALLY-BENEFICIAL OF CONVERSATIONS.
CG: MY PRESENCE WILL BE THE SINGLE DECIDING FACTOR IN OUR ACADEMIC SUCCESS.
CG: MY WORDS ARE MY GIFT TO YOU, YOU PIECE OF SHIT.
CG: YOU’RE FUCKING WELCOME.
TG: quick question: is this gift returnable? like can i get a gift receipt or something
TG: at the very least please tell me its refundable
TG: like yeah sorry teach but could i just get extra credit for trying? because my randomly assigned alien penpal turned out to be a pompous windbag with a god complex and a terrifyingly firm grasp on english as a second language
TG: i mean im pretty sure the point of this entire assignment was to give you an opportunity to practice your english but it looks like youve already got that covered
TG: …
TG: for someone who was drowning me in words two seconds ago you sure are quiet now
TG: what gives spacebro
CG: UH
CG: PLEASE GIVE ME A COUPLE MINUTES.
CG: I HAVE TO LOOK SOME WORDS UP.
TG: oh my god
TG: i knew something was seriously fishy when it didnt say you were typing
TG: did you write that entire speech out beforehand
TG: maybe have it proofread by your teacher
CG: NO!
TG: holy shit you totally did thats fucking hilarious
TG: jokes on me though for blaming your lack of a typing notification on incompatible alien biotechnology when in reality you were just copy/pasting an entirely original copypasta
CG: YOU WERE PRESENT FROM THE START?
TG: yeah and i cant believe you drafted yourself an entire god damn script just to introduce yourself to your new intergalactic penpal
CG: SHUT UP.
TG: what no way ive gotta introduce myself
CG: ALSO, STOP USING SO MANY BIG WORDS.
TG: you went on your spiel so now its my turn
TG: ill keep the big words to a minimum though since im culturally sensitive like that
TG: the names dave strider and im gonna be your pen pal
TG: im fifteen years old and my interests include neglecting to do my social studies homework spinning some seriously sick beats sword fighting with my bro taking photos and collecting dead things in jars
CG: ARE YOU ALWAYS THIS WORDY?
TG: okay now thats just a straight up case of the pot calling the kettle black
CG: I AM GOING TO PRETEND I UNDERSTOOD THAT IDIOM.
CG: MY NAME IS KARKAT VANTAS. I LIVE ON A PLANET NAMED ALTERNIA. I AM REGRETTING THIS ASSIGNMENT ALREADY.
CG: I AM SEVEN SWEEPS OLD. THAT IS FIFTEEN IN EARTH YEARS. I LIKE MOVIES. MY FAVORITE COLOR IS GRAY.
CG: I AM YOUR NEW PEN PAL.
TG: well shit dude
TG: im excited already