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“La vida es dolor.”
That’s what Nana always told Jim. They were well aware of that. Life was painful and unforgiving.
There weren’t a lot of things that affected Jim. They were used to violence, used to pain, used to nightmares, used to guilt.
They were also used to hating their body.
They didn’t care about what other people thought about them, they weren’t the social type anyway.
No, this was not about that.
It just felt wrong.
Jim spent their whole life hiding, in large clothings or in disguises. They made sure nobody ever finds out about this. No one could know.
Well, that was until they met Oluwande.
Everything was easy with him. When Oluwande was around, Jim felt so safe. It was almost scary, to care for someone so much when you spent your entire life trying to avoid being close to people. But for some reason, Jim didn’t mind. It wasn’t that bad, to be vulnerable, if it was with Oluwande.
They should probably be feeling weak, when showing so many emotions around him. But that wasn’t the case. In fact, Jim felt way stronger with Oluwande by their sides.
It was the middle of the night. The bed was way too small for two, so they were snuggled close to each other. Neither of them minded.
That night, Jim couldn’t sleep. Most night, actually. Despite the warmth of Oluwande and the peaceful sound of him breathing, Jim felt the beginning of a panic attack rising in their stomach. Their arms started to shake, and tears slowly fell of their cheeks.
“Mmh… Jim?” Said the sleepy voice of Oluwande. “Jim, is everything all right? You’re shaking…”
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you… I’ll be okay, no te preoccupa . Go back to sleep.”
“Shit, are you crying?”
Suddenly alarmed, Oluwande looked at them.
“What’s wrong, Jim?”
That was the final straw before Jim’s quiet sobs turned into ugly crying. Oluwande hugged them, finger gently caressing the back of their head. Jim held him closer, smearing tears across their lover’s chest.
Then, Oluwande started to hum quietly. Jim recognized that song, it was a Spanish lullaby that their mom used to sing to them. They sang it to Oluwande once when he was feeling down.
“Sorry…”
“You know you don’t have to apologize for that. I’m here for you.”
Oluwande kissed Jim forehead.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“It’s… it’s stupid, really… I’m probably just overreacting because I’m on my periods anyway…”
They cleared their throat. They know they don’t have to be ashamed of anything in front of Oluwande, but they still felt anxious to talk to him about what’s really bothering them.
“… I don’t like my body. I hate it. I-I can’t keep living like that, I feel like ripping my skin off every day-“
Jim’s sobs became too much to hear them talking. Oluwande rubbed circles on their back with his hand, and whispered some reassuring words in their ears.
Finally, Jim calmed down. Or maybe their headache became too strong to keep on crying without hurting.
“I… I can’t keep going like this, I can’t look at myself anymore…”
Oluwande listened, he didn’t say that he thinks Jim’s beautiful just like they are. He knew that’s not what they wanted to hear right now.
“Is there anything I can do to help?”
“Not unless you’re willing to cut my breasts off.”
“Yeah, definitely not doing that, sorry.”
They both laughed. Jim closed their eyes, their face still against Oluwande’s chest. They could feel his heartbeat. It felt nice. Jim loved this man so much it was almost painful.
“Oluwande?”
“Yes?”
“What do I look like to you?”
Confused, Oluwande took a few seconds to answer.
“What do you look like? Well, you look like Jim, like the person I love.”
Jim swallowed anxiously.
“And do you love me… like you would love a woman…?”
Suddenly, Oluwande understood what Jim meant. He placed his hand on their cheek, and looked at them in their eyes.
“No Jim. I love you for you. I don’t see a woman when I see you. Hey, to be honest, I’ve never even been attracted to women!”
He approached Jim’s face and kissed them. God, his lips were so soft… Jim kissed back, their hands caressing the back of Oluwande’s neck.
“I love you so much, mi amor .”
“ Te quiero también, mi vida .”
——
It was the beginning of summer, and the weather was as insufferable as you would expect. The Caribbean sun was hitting so hard that captain Bonnet had to exchange his fancy coats for a simple white shirt.
But most of the men of the ship were not as prude as Stede was, and stayed shirtless. Buttons even went the extra miles and stopped wearing pants, which should have been weird but the whole crew was pretty used to seeing him naked at this point.
But Jim stayed in their usual clothes.
It was keeping them way too hot and sweaty, but it made them feel safe.
Yet they couldn’t help but stare with envy at their crew-mates. Sure, no one would say a thing if they decided to be shirtless. But Jim couldn’t bare with the idea of seeing their body, or other people seeing their body.
“You okay, Jim? You look sweaty.”
They lifted their head and saw Roach, handing them a bottle of water. Jim took it, and drank half of it. They used the rest to wet the back of their neck and their forehead.
“Thanks. I’m fine.”
“Are you scared of sunburns? Because capt’n has a cream for that, so-“
“I said I’m fine, Roach.”
They exhaled loudly, but Roach stayed here. He looked genuinely concerned.
“Are you scared that we’ll look at you weird? If someone does, I’ll cut their eyeballs out.”
“No, I don’t care about that. And I can cut their eyeballs out myself if I need to.”
Jim crossed their arms around their chest.
“I just don’t feel like walking around the ship half-naked. Is that a crime?”
Roach didn’t answered. Instead, he silently looked, visibly considering some things.
“Hey Jim, you know, I had a crew mate once. He was a total badass, almost as much as you. I didn’t know this at first, but he used to be a lady.”
Jim listened, intrigued. Roach didn’t talk a lot about his time before being a part of the Revenge, so this was unexpected.
“The guy went to me one time, asking for a favor. Since I was the ship’s doctor- and cook, obviously - he wanted me to-“
He traced his finger underneath his pectorals, while clacking his tongue.
Jim held his breath.
“No fucking way… Did you do it…?”
“I did, yes. I’m a professional, after all!”
Roach smiled, before putting his hand on Jim’s shoulder.
“If you need my services one day, you know where to find my office.”
Completely speechless, Jim could only manage to nod. They never even thought about the possibility that they didn’t had to live their whole life hating themselves…
Once Roach went back doing whatever he was doing before, Jim ran to find Oluwande. They felt so lightheaded, euphoria making them forgot about the painfully hot weather.
“Oluwande!”
They grabbed him arm, leading him to their room.
“W-what is it, Jim?”
“I need to talk to you!”
They couldn’t help smiling. When was the last time they smiled that much? They couldn’t remember. It didn’t matter, nothing else mattered.
“Remember when I said I wanted to be cut open?”
Oluwande, visibly unsettled by the graphic words spoken with such a happy voice, nodded quietly.
“I found a volunteer.”
——
It’s been two weeks since Roach’s proposition. Honestly, Jim didn’t want to wait that long but Roach insisted that, in his professional opinion, they should wait until the heat lowered down to avoid any risk of infection. And finally, after a couple of storms, the weather started to cool enough to plan the surgery.
During the whole two weeks of waiting, Jim was frantic. They couldn’t physically think about anything else, and Oluwande had honestly never seen them so talkative. It was almost kind of scary, in a good way.
Oluwande had been so supportive during the whole waiting time, but he couldn’t hide his anxiety.
Jim didn’t blame him for that, obviously. They were pretty nervous themselves, but they didn’t let their brain think about what could go wrong. It felt too good to be so overwhelmingly excited, to be genuinely so happy.
Only a few hours before the surgery now. Jim counted every seconds of waiting time. They washed themselves in Stede’s bathroom, looking at their naked body and smiling, thinking “ It’s the last time I’ll ever look like that ”.
“Jim, can I come in?” Said Oluwande, knocking at the door.
“Yes, mi amor .”
He opened the door and closed it behind him. He held a large towel in his hands, nicely folded.
“So, how do you feel?”
Jim looked at the ceiling, pensive.
“So many things at once, I’m not sure. But good things.”
Oluwande smiled, and approached the bathtub to kiss them.
“Are you ready to do this?”
“Fuck yeah, I was ready two weeks ago!”
They looked at their chest, and traced underneath their breasts with their fingers, mimicking the motion Roach made.
“I’m finally gonna look like me , Oluwande…”
——
The kitchen’s table was wiped clean, and disinfected. Roach had carefully prepared a trail with everything he needed. It included a bottle of alcohol, knifes, needles and thread. While entering the kitchen with Oluwande by their side, Jim made sure to look away.
“So, how’s my favorite patient doing?”
“Great! So, what’s the plan? Do you need me to get black out drunk?”
“Nah, the alcohol is for disinfecting. This is what will knock you out.”
Roach handed Jim a small glass bottle.
“Laudanum. With that, you’ll be out in no time and you won’t feel a thing.”
Jim side-eyed the trail with all the sharp tools that will be used to cut them up, and scrunched their noise anxiously.
“…That’s probably for the best.”
“I just need to fetch a couple of rags, y’know, for the blood. I’ll be back in a second, by the time I come back the opium should have kicked in”
Jim nodded, and started drinking the bottle. Roach left the kitchen, humming to himself casually.
“Man…” said Oluwande, “I don’t know how you handle this so well-“
But he stopped himself from talking when he realized that Jim’s hand was shaking. In fact, their whole body was trembling.
“I’m so scared , Oluwande. Don’t get me wrong, I want this. But I’m so afraid right now.”
Oluwande took Jim in his arms, hugging them as tight as he could. Jim started to sob, their face tucked in Oluwande’s neck.
“It’s okay to be scared, Jim. But you’re gonna be okay…”
“I know, and I’m happy, I really really am. But, it’s gonna be a big change. Changes are scary…”
“They are, aren’t they. But one thing that is never going to change, is that I’m going to be with you. No matter what, I’m staying by your side.”
“ ¿Lo prometes? ”
“Prometo, mi amor. Me quedaré contigo para siempre .”
Oluwande kissed them and wiped away their tears before the laudanum finally kicked in; and Jim fell asleep, smiling.
——
“So doc, what do you think?”
It’s been two months since Jim’s surgery. Their recovery went well, and they even had to admit that it was nice to be cared for. Oluwande did almost everything for them, since their movements were pretty restrained.
By the time they could walk around the ship and feed themselves without pain, Jim had only one thought in mind: being shirtless on the deck. But Roach had told them not to expose their scars to the sun while they healed. Which was a bummer because the weather was still awfully hot, but also because they wanted to show off.
After all, they didn’t went through all that pain for nothing.
Jim was sitting on the kitchen table, their shirt opened all the way, while Roach examined the pink scars on their chest.
“Well, you’re healing pretty damn fast, I’ll give you that. You’ve been massaging with the cream I gave you?”
Jim nodded impatiently.
“Have you been stretching-”
“Yes Roach, I did everything you told me, now I feel great, can you please tell me if I can go now?”
Roach sighed, and patted his hand on his patient’s shoulder.
“Make sure you put a shit ton of sunscreen on.”
Unable to hold their excitement, Jim almost jumped off the table to hugged Roach.
“¡Gracias! Thank you, thank you, thank you!”
“Don’t mention it, Jimmy.”
——
“ La vida es dolor ”
Actually, Jim started to think it didn’t have to be.
Right now, the wind blowing over their bare chest was probably the best sensation ever.
And it was ever better when Oluwande came behind them and kissed the top of their head.
“The doc finally let you show off, I see?”
Jim lifted their head and smiled at their boyfriend. They motioned him over to kiss them on the lips.
“You like the view, pretty boy?” Jim purred in his ear.
Oluwande sat next to Jim, his legs dangling over the edge of the boat. He traced him finger down Jim’s chest, carefully admiring it.
“I quite like it yeah. Damn it, you’re beautiful Jim.”
And that’s all it took for Jim to cup Oluwande’s face in both of their hand, and kissing him again. God, they loved this man so much…
Maybe Nana was wrong. Life sucks sometimes, Jim was well aware of it. But right now, life felt pretty fucking good .