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Juliette could still feel her, in the very air she breathes, in the ground beneath her, in her blood, in her veins, Calliope was the very thing she wanted. Everything was messed up it wasn’t supposed to be like this, she wanted to right a wrong. She stared at the black sky, the stars mocking her and she wanted to blame Elinor she wanted to curse her name but she knew-she knew it wasn’t her fault-it was hers.
Fuck
Fuck!
“FUCK!” She dug the palms of her hands to her eyes, she dug her fingernails to the side of face and she pulled her hair and pulled and pulled. She wanted to stop feeling, wanted everything to stop. The darkness around her mocked her, the leaves whispered her failures- you’re a monster
You’re a monster
You’re a monster
“I’m sorry”
“I’m sorry”
“I am so sorry” she rocked back and forth, tears trailed down her face as she whispered over and over again I’m sorry. She messed up, she messed up big time.
“I just wanted to help, I just wanted to help” she whispered to the darkness.
She pulled and dug deeper, she need this- no deserved this. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, they were supposed to be together they were supposed to spend forever together. It wasn’t fair.
But when was life ever fair, nothing was ever fair no matter how much she wished it was. In the distance from the mess of her head she heard sticks snapping, leaves crunching but she didn’t care if it was a hunter coming to finish her off or maybe take her away as she couldn’t be killed, she just wanted to hide away. The footsteps got closer and waited, didn’t want to fight. Until she felt arms around her, familiar arms-Ben-she threw herself at him, she clung to him she buried herself in his arms to his neck searching for his scent she wanted to be safe- she wanted to pretend that what she did wasn’t real. She wanted to pretend that she never had met Calliope and her life has never been a rollercoaster but that would be a lie to herself and her soul- If she even had one.
She could feel Ben clutching her too, he brought her closer and she could feel him whispering “It’s okay Jules, I got you” over and over as she cried over her broken heart and the mess she made.
“I messed up Ben, I messed up big time” she cried. Ben didn’t say anything he just listened and she kept repeating the same words. When she felt her throat give out and she just laid in his arms safe from the world, he gently pushed her away so he could take a look at her and she didn’t fight him. Ben slowly reached up and cradled her face and wiped her tears away like she was something so small and fragile. She had to look away.
“Jules look at me” His voice was soft like gentle waves against her raging mind. So she did she looked at him and all she saw was fondness and a worried look on him she felt a pressure behind her eyes that she didn’t fight.
“I-”
“Shh you don’t have to tell me yet” she just whispered a quite okay “But first lets get you cleaned up, yeah?”
She nodded her head. Ben helped her get up and helped lead her to the his car away from the darkness that she belonged to. Before she got in the car Ben gave her his varsity jacket, she didn’t complain and just put it on.
Once Ben got in after making sure she was strapped in whispering about crazy drivers, healing powers be damned. And once he got in then they were gone from the coldness of the woods-the emptiness-she didn't remember how she got there she just remebered walking away from everything, her house was to empty that she felt like a stranger, even to her own parents. Jules tried to ignore her empty home and leaned back against the car seat she closed her eyes and tried to listen to My Tears Ricochet so she could ignore the hammer in her heart every time she breathed or moved or just lived and if she focused hard enough she could find her.
Every time she went near the bond it was firestorm of emotions that felt she like was standing in blazing field of arrows, and no matter how much it felt like dying she wanted to go to her-she wanted to comfort her tell her over and over how much she was sorry that didn’t mean to but that wouldn’t do anything not with how much hurt she caused.
Pulling out of the bond she buried herself further into the jacket into the familiar scent of Ben. It was quite, no one talked letting the music settle between them. From the corner of her vision she could see Ben tapping the steering wheel, his glimpses on her and she pretended that she didn’t notice that she couldn’t feel his questioning face, his unspoken words. She knew he wanted to wait until she was ready to talk but will she ever be with what she did. She stared at hands, the very hands that wanted to be someone good for once.
“I-I fucked up Ben” She didn’t dare look at him.
“I-I did something so horrible” her voice felt tight, her vision was blurry “I just wanted to help but-fuck Ben I messed up, I messed up big time, I-I messed up so bad” She threw her arms over her eyes as the tears rolled down.
“S-She hates me, she hates me, she hates me-”
Oh god she hates her
She hates me
Her chest felt tight, their was no air.
She hates me
She Hates Me
She felt like she was drowning in her own tears she clutched her chest wanting to rip out her heart out she didn’t deserve it fuck what did she do? There was no air, she gasped trying to breathe. She couldn’t more no matter how much she tried to run to away-to get air- until she felt someone's hands on her she tried pulling away, she couldn’t see, she knew they were telling to breathe but they sounded so far away. She felt them move her hand and she once felt soft fabric and beneath it she felt it, a heartbeat a frantic thump every second, thump-thump-thump and she let her hand rest focusing on it.
Thump
It was Ben, It was just Ben
Thump
Breathe
Thump
I'm okay
Thump
It was like a melody so she focused on it, that familiar heartbeat, and rested against the seat making it drown out every sense, until there was no longer a dull buzzing sound in her ears and limps . Ben didn’t try to move her hand away so she didn’t either. Once she opened her eyes again she looked into his worried brown eyes and she there knew he was her real family he was everything her family were not.
He gave her a sad smile “Look you don’t have to tell me Jules but don’t forget I am here to listen to you, don’t forget that okay?”
She nodded and with a smile he gave her hand back before settling on driver seat again. Before he moved the car again, she stared at the moon and knew she wanted to tell him, her brother, the one who actually stayed beside her for so many years and tried to understand her even now and she will stand beside him, she will protect him if any danger befell him and she knew he will do the same. He was also her home just like how Cal was.
“I brought Cal’s brother back form the dead” She felt the words rush out her mouth. She brought up a finger to stop Ben from speaking even if he looked like a deer in headlights.
“I didn’t kill him, Elinor did and I was with Cal when we got the call that something bad happened from her other brother Apollo and when we got there we thought he was dead, I thought he was dead t-there was so much blood a-and-” she felt the words continuing to rush out.
“Breathe Jules breathe” Ben nodded his head once she took a deep breathe before continuing.
“I thought he was dead Ben, I actually thought he was”
“Okay, then how did you bring him you know, bring him back to life? If he was dead?”
“I-I didn’t know okay? I didn’t know until I heard it, his heartbeat, Ben he asked me to help him” She looked out the window at moon the stars, she took a deep breathe before looking at him again.
“I turned him Ben, I turned him into something he hates”
“Oh”
“Yeah” She lets out a shaky laugh “And you wanna know what is the funny thing? I thought that it’ll be okay to do it, that their lives would not ruined because of what I did”
She digged her nails into her arm.
“You didn’t know Jules” She shook her head frantically.
“I did Ben-I did! I thought that maybe just this once I could do something right and not be this monster” She digged in harder- it hurt but that didn’t matter.
“Hahaha they were right I am a monster”
Ben abruptly grasped her by the shoulders but not hard enough that it hurt while he stared determinedly at her with fire in his eyes.
“You are not a monster” Their was fire in his voice, she shook her head at him.
“Ben-”
“No you listen to me, you are Jules Anastasia Fairmont, you are my best friend- you are the sister I never had and you are so many things but one thing I know for sure it’s that you are not a monster. Did you make a mistake? Yes-yes you did”
“It’s more than a mistake-”
“Shh I’m speaking-You made a mistake Jules okay?”
“Okay”
“And now you will live with it, but you won’t do it alone as long as you have me” And just with that Jules stared at him through a teary eyes before she leaned her head against his shoulder no matter how uncomfortable it was. He ran his finger though her tangled hair pulling hair massaging every knot he pulled, even through she felt comfort she could still feel her and she wanted to reach out through it but she knew it wouldn’t be welcomed.
“I love her” she whispered
“I know baby I know”
After a moment she needed to know how did Ben find her.
"Ben"
"Yeah?"
"How did you find me?" She didn't move away from him settling quite close to him.
She felt his chuckle, "JuJu you have Life360 remember? Plus I will always find you, even in the middle of the night and in a creepy forest"
She chuckled and held him closer.
"Shut up asshole" They both laughed, his voice vibrating in her ear "Me too Ben, I will always find you too"
They were quite for a few minutes before He pulled away and gazed fondly at her caressing her face and she leaned into him, he pulled her in and kissed the top of her head.
“Come one lets go home”
She didn’t question it and settled again back on the road. As she stared at the morning rays she still felt the pull and the squishing like she is dying, still felt the need to hide away but right now she just wanted to go home. She doesn’t blame anyone for what happened, other than herself and El, she should’ve known better. With her eyes closed she dug into the bond again hoping she will feel something other than fires but they continued to burn and it hurt her so bad no being able to soothe it. So she left it, letting it settle in her chest. As she felt herself pull back she felt a pull something familiar like what she has with Cal. She looked around the raging fires and there she found a smaller bond one that felt like the empty woods so large you would never find your way out. And as she kept searching through the poking through every branch, leaf, every speck of dirt she found it.
“Jules”
With a start and wide eyes she started at her chest, she clutched at it, she heard Ben asking for her but that didn’t matter what mattered was the thundering of the woods in her ears.
And with a whisper “Theo”