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Hello, faithful readers, and welcome to another edition of The Spider's Web, the best (and only) advice column in Westeros. If you have a cheating paramour, a wayward son, troublesome smallfolk, or allies you aren't sure you can trust, send a raven and let Varys give you his words of wisdom.
Dear Varys,
I know you have some expertise in this matter. How do you keep your cover identities separate from your real one? It gets so confusing sometimes, I can hardly remember where I am or what my name is. And I think my stepfather gets a little confused about it too. Sometimes he calls me by my dead mother's name, and it makes me feel funny in my tummy. What should I do?
Signed, Little Bird in a Gilded Cage
Dear Little Bird,
Ah, sometimes old Varys hardly knows who he is as well. You must keep a secret core within your heart of hearts that is your true self, and then never, ever let anyone see it, or even suspect it exists. Your stepfather sounds like a case in point. I have always had a soft spot for little birds, and so I truly hope that he doesn't do anything inappropriate - but if he does, you might want to consider letting him have his way, and then using him for your own ends. Just push all your confusing feelings down into a little ball in your tummy, and then, someday, when the proper moment arrives, you can have your revenge on him.
Dear Varys,
My sister and I have always been very close, but recently I've found myself pulling away from her smothering affection. She expects too much of me, but doesn't hold up her end of the relationship. Things finally came to a head when she asked me for help in a personal crisis and I turned her down. I know I deserve my own life, but now I'm feeling more than a little guilty. Should I try to make it up to her?
Signed, Left-Handed Lion
Dear Lefty,
It sounds like even though you have grown apart, your sister is still manipulating you, making you feel guilty for not immediately rushing to her side. This is the problem with co-dependent family members, you can never truly get rid of them… well, unless you are willing to take truly drastic steps. If you are, contact me privately, and we'll see what we can arrange. Otherwise, you have to suck it up and let your sister sleep in the bed she's made for herself. Try not to feel too guilty - she's probably slept in lots of other beds too!
Dear Varys,
My organization, an independent non-profit devoted to protecting the smallfolk, was recently taken over by a new boss with whom I have serious philosophical disagreements. At the time I voiced my objections, but I was overruled. Since she took power, things have gone from bad to worse. Now it seems we're more about revenge than protection. Should I cut my losses and get out now, or stick with them until the bitter end?
Signed, Not-So-Big Red
Dear Red,
I applaud your commitment to such noble ideals, but in the real world, sometimes ideals falter and we have to make compromises, especially when a career is at stake. Your new boss sounds like a very tough woman, and confronting her would probably be dangerous. Better to go along with the flow if you can. Think of it this way: revenge can be a noble goal too. Just try to make sure you're taking revenge on the right people, and you should be able to sleep better at night!
Dear Varys,
I've recently become part of an all-male celibate order (you must get a lot of questions that start that way…) and it's a bit of a lifestyle adjustment for me, to say the least! Technically, reading between the lines, my vows don't say anything about sex with other men, so I'm wondering if, ethically, I can get away with making a pass at my new boss (who is, btw, a total hottie!)
Signed, Black Satin
Dear Satin,
Congratulations on your new career! Nitpicky, 'creative' reading of oaths is the kind of behavior I usually applaud in principle, but in practice, it could get you beaten up by fellows with less nuanced views of the world. Try to sound out your hot new boss and get a feel for his opinions on the matter before making an outright pass at him. Good luck! After all, vows were made to be bent.
Dear Varys,
My husband of many years has recently converted to a new faith and taken up with a scarlet woman. I've done everything I can to be supportive, even joining them in their worship, but he still doesn't pay me the attention due a loyal wife, if you know what I mean. I'm beginning to suspect something is going on between them. How can I win him back?
Signed, Desperate in Dragonstone
Dear Desperate,
It sounds as though you've gone above and beyond in trying to preserve your marriage. The time has come for radical measures. Show up in his bed wearing nothing but Myrrish lace and a smile, and then see where he stands. If he still rejects you, I fear your suspicions may be confirmed, at which point you'll have two choices. Either you can discreetly dispose of his paramour, or you can find a young stud of your own to keep your homefires burning. Whichever you decide, best of luck to you!
Dear Varys,
Recently, I've become involved with a young woman. However, there are various obstacles to our relationship. She has a son from a previous partner, but nevertheless she's had a very sheltered life, and I worry that she's only involved with me out of some combination of pity and/or gratitude. My career path doesn't permit me to take a wife, and I know things can't last between us. I'm thinking of sending her to my father's home for safe-keeping, but I'm concerned this might be a social faux pas. What should I do?
Signed, Slayer-in-Training
Dear Slayer,
I commend you for wanting to do the right thing with respect to your young lady, even though you can't wed her. But think of it from her perspective. By sending her to your father's home, are you just prolonging the pain of separation? Will you be putting her in an uncomfortable situation vis a vis your family? A woman of doubtful virtue may face difficulties in fitting into a new home. And when you come to visit, things may be awkward between the two of you. Either she may wish to resume your relationship, which puts you in a difficult position, or else she will have taken up with someone new, and you may find yourself unexpectedly jealous. Think long and hard before putting her in that position. Why not ask her what she wants?