Work Text:
VAMPIRIC COUNCIL HEADQUARTERS
Guillermo: I’m pretty psyched about being promoted to bodyguard, to be honest. I’ve been handling that already, so getting the recognition for it is a big step up. And now that my master and the others have been promoted to the local Vampiric Council, I’ve found some other ways to make myself even more valuable.
GESTURES AROUND THE ROOM, WHICH IS STUFFED FULL OF GLASS-FRONTED SHELVES, WOODEN FILE CABINETS, A DESK, BOOKCASES, STACKS OF BOXES, AN AUTOPSY TABLE, AND AN ANTIQUE DENTIST’S CHAIR. AGAINST ONE OF THE WALLS IS A LARGE ROLLING WHITEBOARD.
Guillermo: The vampires aren’t what you’d call “detail-oriented”. Well, Colin Robinson is, but not for getting things done, more in the "using details to annoy people" way.
VAMPIRIC COUNCIL LIBRARY
The Guide: I’d just gotten used to him not staying in the Familiar’s room, but following Nandor around everywhere, and then I went to the office one night and there he was, rummaging through all the papers!
VAMPIRIC COUNCIL OFFICE
Guillermo: I don’t know why I thought the Guide lady would have things more organized. [Laughs] But it was a disaster in here. Papers everywhere, parchments and scrolls just crammed inside of drawers, and that file cabinet over there? Full of, uh. Well, I ended up asking Laszlo for help.
VAMPIRE RESIDENCE PARLOR
Laszlo: I was astonished. Turns out Gizmo found an absolutely amazing collection of antique sexual devices and compounds.
VAMPIRIC COUNCIL LIBRARY
The Guide: To be honest, I forgot that cabinet was even there. You know how it is, you don’t look at something for a few centuries, it eventually becomes part of the background …
VAMPIRE RESIDENCE PARLOR
Nadja: He is my special deviant of the night and I will love him always, but sometimes I wish he would find a new bloody hobby! “Nadja, come taste this lubricant, I think it was flavored with aniseed but I’m not sure.” “My darling, just look at the engraving on this ivory dildo!” “Didn’t we own a saddle just like this, my love? I'm sure I packed it when we left for America.”
Laszlo: [Shouting from off-camera] My darling, remember my electric sex pants?”
Nadja: [Sighs, rolls her eyes]
***
VAMPIRIC COUNCIL OFFICE
Collin Robinson: I thought I’d help Guillermo out. You might say sorting through meaningless paperwork is a passion project of mine.
Colin Robinson: [gesturing at a dusty piece of equipment] Many people think that the first fax machine—the LDX, short for Long Distance Xerography—was invented by Xerox in 1964. But that’s just not true. Scottish inventor Alexander Bain worked on chemical mechanical fax type devices and in 1846 was able to reproduce graphic signs in laboratory experiments. He received British patent 9745 on May 27, 1843 for his "Electric Printing Telegraph".
Guillermo: [slumping against a bookcase] … please stop …
Nandor: [shouting from off-camera] Colin Robinson stop draining my familiar!
Guillermo: [weakly] Bodyguard.
VAMPIRE RESIDENCE PARLOR
Nandor: I don’t really know what Guillermo does to fill his daylight hours. Dust the taxidermy collection? Order Tide pens? This new paperwork hobby of his is fine as long as he’s available at dawn to tuck me into my coffin. And to polish my boots.
Guillermo: I tried explaining to my master what I was doing in terms of, like, a court scribe. He had to have had one of those, right? It was a thing back then, wasn't it?
Nandor: I wasn’t really interested in paperwork then, either. My primary focus was the pillaging. And taking care of Jahan. And my 37 wives.
***
VAMPIRIC COUNCIL OFFICE
The Guide: I thought their familiar was going to tidy up the place, dust things, leave it at that. But it turns out he’s really useful.
VAMPIRIC COUNCIL LIBRARY
Guillermo: Even though I know what I want to do with my life, [laughs] I mean eventual unlife, [laughs more], that doesn’t mean I’m going to neglect my education, you know? My personal development. I was taking classes in the Media Studies program at the local community college before I met my master and became a full-time familiar, but I don’t feel that’s really who I am any more. I’ve done a lot of reading, taken a lot of "what is your career path?" quizzes, and now I’m taking an online certification course on LinkedIn that's going to help me realize my potential. Give me a strong foundation of problem-solving skills for the coming centuries.
The Guide: So what does a “Project Manager” do, really?
Guillermo: That’s a great question. A project manager takes a large project and maps out a plan and schedule for it, sifts through information and decides what needs a deep dive follow-up—
The Guide: Project managers are certified to pilot bathyspheres? How fascinating.
Guillermo: No, I mean take a deeper look at the details, gather more information before determining initial project priorities—
The Guide: Pity. We could have gone on a little fact-finding mission. Play find the tentacles. [She ruffles Guillermo’s hair playfully]
The Guide: He’s much cleverer than I first thought! And have you smelled him? Mmmm, yummy.
VAMPIRIC COUNCIL OFFICE
Guillermo: Yeah, she keeps standing behind me. Like, I won’t know she’s there, and then she just, steps forward. At first I thought she was doing it to teach the other vampires how to, y’know, lurk more effectively, because none of them are really that good at it. But no, she does it even when none of them are around.
VAMPIRIC COUNCIL RELIC ROOM
[Guillermo dusting]
The Guide: [Appearing behind Guillermo] Hello.
Guillermo: [Drops feather duster] Aaaaaaah!
The Guide: I’ve been behind you for 49 minutes. Silently following you. Watching you. Scenting your musk.
Guillermo: That’s really inappropriate.
The Guide: What? No. You were there when I showed everyone the HR training video on workplace sexual harassment. [Smiling slowly] I remember.
***
VAMPIRIC COUNCIL OFFICE
Nadja: [Gesturing at whiteboard] Why should I care about this thing?
Guillermo: Okay, remember when you had the idea that everyone should write their name and the date on [swallows uncomfortably] the forehead of their victims if they hadn’t finished them? This kanban board is kind of like that, but in a larger form. So we—
[Nadja glares]
Guillermo: —so you and the others can keep track of what needs to be done, who’s taking care of it, if there are any questions that need answering, and so on.
[Guillermo gestures to columns on the whiteboard labeled “Backlog”, “Info Gathering”, "Stakeholders", “Owner”, “Status”, New Qs&As”, and “Done”]
Laszlow: Hang on, what's this "stakeholders" thing? I thought you were the only bodyguard around here?
Guillermo: No, "stakeholders" means the people or groups involved … you know what? Never mind.
Nadja: [Standing up and pointing at a row on the whiteboard] Overdue Council dues? The names in this “Info Gathering” square are the idiots who think they can skip paying their fucking bills?
Guillermo: Yes.
Nadja: And “Owner” means who on the Council is going to go explain to them what bloody morons they are and make them cough up the cash?
Guillermo: I guess you could define it like that.
Nadja: Fine! [Grabs a pen, writes her name in the “Owner” square]
Nadja: [Shouting] Nandor! Get your cape, we’ve got Council business to do!
Guillermo: I think she wrote that with a Sharpie.
***
VAMPIRIC COUNCIL OFFICE
Guillermo: [Typing away on a laptop] God, I hate pivot tables.
The Guide: [Appearing behind Guillermo] Hello.
Guillermo: Aaaaaaah! Please stop doing that.
The Guide: I like watching you. You’re so industrious. So clever. I’m sure you’d be clever and industrious at … everything.
Guillermo: I don’t know how to take that.
The Guide: I could tell you.
Guillermo: No, no, that’s okay.
The Guide: After the Wraiths cleaned out the break room last week, I realized that you don’t keep any snacks in there. Don’t you need anything to keep your strength up? To fortify yourself during your long, busy days? Nights?
Guillermo: [Nervously] Um.
The Guide: I asked Nandor, and he gave me coupons for something called “Val-u-Pak Skinless Breasts”. But I assumed he was wrong—
Guillermo: Yes.
The Guide: Because you just don’t seem the type to like skinless breasts. They get all oozy, and your face sticks to them, and it’s just yuck all around.
Guillermo: What?
The Guide: And besides, you’re so [makes grasping motions] plush! You should stay that way! So we went out and got you a little treat.
[The Wraiths glide into the office. They each set a bag from Panera Bread on the desk, then glide out]
Guillermo: Oh wow. Um, thank you.
The Guide: Of course. It would be a shame if you worked yourself to skin and bones.
[She walks to the door, then turns back around]
The Guide: Oh, and keep an eye on the [email protected] address, please. I signed up for the Ulta Rewards Program, and the triple points event is coming up.
[The door slams shut behind her. Guillermo sighs and stares directly at the camera]