Chapter Text
FRIENDS AND ENEMIES
A few hours from Paris
D'ARTAGNAN and his FATHER, who has gained a name for his two and a half minutes of screen time, ride in the rain.
D'ARTAGNAN: Wish I could figure out how hats work. (Clears throat) Father, let's stop at this inn a few hours from Paris, where we are going to petition the King about taxes.*
*(This plotline brought to you by the Department of Never Coming Up Again)
D'ARTAGNAN SENIOR is killed by a man claiming to be ATHOS. D'ARTAGNAN and three small children in the audience are fooled.
Paris
Let's meet our heroes.
ATHOS, the stoic manly man.
ATHOS attempts to drown himself cure his hangover by putting his head in ice cold water.
PORTHOS, the jovial strong man.
PORTHOS cheats at cards and, when found out, fights engages his opponent in a lively show of skill.
ARAMIS, the religion loving ladies' man.
ARAMIS, in sleeping with the Cardinal’s mistress, risks her life if they're discovered demonstrates his joie de vive.
All three head off to report to Treville, the no nonsense leader no nonsense leader.
TREVILLE: The only other person with a rank in the whole regiment has vanished mysteriously. Go sort that out.
Meanwhile, D'ARTAGNAN holes up at the THENARDIER'S, because reasons.
Louvre palace
KING LOUIS shoots things.
CARDINAL RICHELIEU: The Musketeers are bad.
TREVILLE: No, we're not.
CARDINAL: Are too, are too, are too!
QUEEN ANNE: I am on TREVILLE's side.
KING LOUIS: I'm bored now. CARDINAL, do the thing you said. There, that solves everything. God, I'm great at being King.
Town some hours from Paris
ATHOS: Hmm, CORNET didn't make it here, and neither did the mysterious SPANIARD who was also expected apparently. Let's ride directly back to Paris without looking around at all.
Paris
At the THENARDIERS, D'ARTAGNAN butts in on someone else's conversation, is rude when called on it, and brings a gun to a sword fight. Clearly, this is the guy we should be rooting for. Also, the someone elses are a mysterious SPANIARD and a WOMAN with more than two lines.
Elsewhere in Paris
Not!ATHOS is still doing bad things.
First part of Paris again
D'ARTAGNAN is grieving, on the trail of vengeance, and has already fought with half of the couple, so naturally he now sleeps with the other half.
WOMAN: My mysterious past means nothing.
D'ARTAGNAN: Fair enough.
(le sex)
D'ARTAGNAN wakes up alone.
D'ARTAGNAN: Hey, a bloody dagger. I better wander out of my room holding on to it.
UnSurprisingly, the SPANIARD is dead. D'ARTAGNAN throws himself out a window to escape mob justice. I hope he put that dagger somewhere safe first.
CONSTANCE is calmly shopping when she suddenly finds a strange D'ARTAGNAN attached to her face. No one, including the stall owner she was talking to, do anything to stop her being assaulted by a man she clearly doesn't know.
CONSTANCE: Get off!
D'ARTAGNAN: My apologies. (swoons at her feet)
CONSTANCE: Oh, for heaven's sake.
D'ARTAGNAN: (Off screen) I've fallen and I can't get up.
CONSTANCE kidnaps D'ARTAGNAN takes D'ARTAGNAN to her house to recover, because that's what you do when someone assaults you and then falls over. D'ARTAGNAN shows his gratitude by being rude and storming off.
CONSTANCE: Damnit, I took off one whole layer of dress for that?
The part of Paris where the garrison is
D'ARTAGNAN: ATHOS! Let's have a fight.
ATHOS: Why not.
D'ARTAGNAN: To the DEATH!
ATHOS: Why?
D'ARTAGNAN: Hello. My name is D'ARTAGNAN of Lupiac in Gascony. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
ATHOS: Was that a Spanish accent?
D'ARTAGNAN: Shut up.
ATHOS: I'm pretty sure I didn't kill anyone recently.
D'ARTAGNAN: Yes, you did, because...shut up!
D'ARTAGNAN attacks.
ARAMIS: Shall we help him?
PORTHOS: Think we should?
ARAMIS: Well, he did just throw that dagger at ATHOS' back, against all the rules of duelling. Also he nearly hit me.
PORTHOS: Did he? I didn't notice, because you didn't react.
ARAMIS: I'm far too calm and collected to react to anything. Except when I do.
ATHOS: (Being strangled)
CONSTANCE arrives. Apparently putting that one whole layer of dress back on took a long time, since D'ARTAGNAN had no idea where the garrison was but made it there ahead of her anyway.
CONSTANCE: Honestly! Boys! Stop that right now!
ARAMIS: Yes'm.
PORTHOS: Sorry'm.
ATHOS: He started it Won't happen again'm.
D'ARTAGNAN: (Strops)
TREVILLE arrives with some RED GUARDS.
TREVILLE: ATHOS, I’ve agreed that these men can arrest you, even though you have alibies for the crimes you’ve been accused of. ARAMIS and PORTHOS, stop threatening the RED GUARDS. MADAME BONACIEUX and friend – what are you two doing here?
Everyone shuffles their feet and looks away.
TREVILLE: (rolls eyes) ATHOS, go be unfairly gaoled. ARAMIS and PORTHOS, go back to where you didn’t find CORNET before and actually look this time. Whoever you are, get out of my garrison. MADAME BONACIEUX, have a pleasant day.
Louvre Palace
CARDINAL: DID YOU KILL THOSE PEOPLE?
ATHOS: No.
CARDINAL: DID YOU KILL THOSE PEOPLE?
ATHOS: No.
CARDINAL: DID YOU KILL THOSE PEOPLE?
ATHOS: All right, yes.
CARDINAL: What, really?
ATHOS: No. I just can’t stand being asked the same question three times.
Various witnesses agree that ATHOS killed people.
CARDINAL: You have to make a decision, Sire.
KING LOUIS: I hate making decisions.
Everyone fidgets.
KING LOUIS: All right, guilty, hang him or shoot him or whatever it is we do to murderers these days.
BONACIEUX house
CONSTANCE has adopted D'ARTAGNAN, or something. Her husband is remarkably blasé about his wife hugging a half naked man bandaging his ribs.
ARAMIS and PORTHOS let themselves in.
ARAMIS: Want to come help us save the guy you were just trying to kill?
D'ARTAGNAN: Sure, I didn’t have much on today.
CONSTANCE: I haven’t finished with your ribs!
D'ARTAGNAN: Don’t worry, I’m only going to ride a horse for eight hours or so. It’s fine.
Four hours later…
PORTHOS: Those men stole these uniforms!
D'ARTAGNAN: Well, that was worth it.
CARDINAL’s office
CARDINAL: Let me recap the plan so far. You, WOMAN, killed the SPANIARD, and my men killed the Musketeers, because the KING made a decision without me and my feelings are hurt. Also we’re framing the Musketeers, because TREVILLE ignores me. Why ATHOS?
WOMAN: My mysterious past means nothing. (swishes away)
A snowy forest
They find dead Musketeers in the snow. It’s very sad for everyone, but mostly ARAMIS, because [SPOILERS FOR EPISODE FOUR]
Louvre Palace
LOUIS: Why is this so important?
CARDINAL: Foreign policy, and – and public relations, and – and you hurt my feelings, damnit!
LOUIS: Oh, right, the policy thing. Well, I guess, you fix everything and I’ll stand around.
CARDINAL: Excellent.
Paris
ARAMIS, PORTHOS and D'ARTAGNAN follow a lead so flimsy I didn’t even write it in to the RED GUARD PORTHOS cheated earlier. They proceed to bully him until he cries.
Gaudet’s camp, outside Paris
ARAMIS: Right, we need a really clever plan to get in, because even though I’m the best shot in the garrison and Porthos is the strongest guy ever, we’re helpless without a third person.
D'ARTAGNAN: I know, I’ll get Constance to dress up like a prostitute!
PORTHOS: How does that get us in?
D'ARTAGNAN: I just thought it would be fun.
Astonishingly, the prostitute plan works. D'ARTAGNAN blatantly ogles her for a while before giving her a weapon she probably can’t use and abandoning her.
ARAMIS: Right, this is the guy who framed ATHOS and killed various people including D'ARTAGNAN’s father. We need him alive, so surprise is absolutely, definitely…
D'ARTAGNAN runs out screaming like a manic.
ARAMIS: …not going to happen. Damnit! Just once!
There is fighting. CONSTANCE kills a guy. ARAMIS and PORTHOS kill everyone else. D'ARTAGNAN defeats GAUDET, but then he doesn’t kill them, but then GAUDET ends up impaling himself on D'ARTAGNAN’s sword anyway. But they find the evidence to clear ATHOS, so that’s fine. Well, CONSTANCE is probably traumatised, but that’s fine too.
Chatelet prison
ATHOS is not killed by firing squad. WOMAN seems upset about that.
Outside the city
CARDINAL RICHELIEU kills ADELE, his mistress, because she slept with ARAMIS, and he does it with ARAMIS’ own pistol, because irony.
A tavern
D'ARTAGNAN: So what have we been doing all day, exactly? We freed ATHOS at dawn. This is night.
PORTHOS: Signing you up as a Musketeer or whatever?
ARAMIS: Watching ATHOS drink his mysterious past away? Which I’m now bored of doing. I’m off to my mistress’ place. Where are you staying?
D'ARTAGNAN: CONSTANCE adopted me or something, so I guess there? Until I find the mysterious WOMAN with the mysterious past, anyway.
ARAMIS: Soundsfascinatingyou’llhavetotellmeaboutitsometimebye!
ADELE’s house
ADELE’s maid: ADELE has gone away. Also, here is the pistol you left in her room a few days ago. The fact that it’s been fired since is not ominous at all.
ARAMIS runs around in circles and shouts ADELE’s name, because secrecy and discretion.
Prison, possibly the Chatelet, they all look the same
The CARDINAL poisons the RED GUARD who talked to PORTHOS and ARAMIS. Loose ends, amirite?
NEXT TIME
D'ARTAGNAN betrays the Musketeers, and stuff blows up real good.