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Adora woke to the soft sound of water rushing on the far side of the room and sunlight streaming through the canopy around her bed. She inhaled through her nose, stretching out her limbs as the weight of sleep receded. Her movements were slightly halted by a mass of fur pressed into her side. Adora smiled, letting her eyes fall shut just for a moment, bringing her hand up to smooth down the head of hair tucked by her neck. Soon, a rumbly purr vibrated against her body. Catra thankfully stayed asleep, but the arm she had flung over Adora in the night flexed before relaxing again.
Catra was not one for joining Adora early in the morning. She was content to stay wrapped up in bed until it was absolutely necessary to leave. The sunbeams in Brightmoon were too good to pass up. Adora didn’t mind, she savored the small moments she could watch Catra, completely relaxed and trusting. She was also extremely fluffy and cute which demanded many minutes of admiration. It would be a crime not to in Adora’s opinion.
Adora allowed herself a few more minutes to just lie there before she expertly detached herself from her partner and got out of bed. Melog was dozing in the windowsill and lazily looked over to her as she passed before promptly going back to sleep.
She quietly made her way over to the adjoining bathroom, set to get ready for the day. She paused on her path to the shower to stop in front of the mirror. Her eyes swept over her form, cataloging the changes she noticed.
It had been about a year since the war had ended. A whole year of rebuilding, planning, and organizing, but also a year of peace and harmony. Recovering from the destruction of the war and the final battles was grueling and challenging, but there was an atmosphere of safety surrounding it all. Times were changing, and have changed enormously, into an era of connection and tranquility.
Adora had changed a lot in the past year as well. Physically, she had not changed much besides carrying less tension in her body. Without the literal weight of the world on her shoulders, she was able to relax a bit more. Along with that came an ease to her mind, to not worry so much as she once did.
Catra had been a big help as well, offering a lot of support around taking care of herself more often and saying what she wanted, whether big or small.
It seemed like everything was finally starting to go their way.
So why did she feel so uncomfortable in this moment?
As Adora looked through the mirror at herself, a wave of something washed over her. She couldn’t put her finger on it, but it was like a new kind of weight had settled on her shoulders. It felt dense, but entirely intangible. It had been happening for a few months now, every once in a while creeping up on her with no warning. She had always tried to push it away and hide it. There was no reason for her to feel this way as far as she was concerned. She saved the universe, Catra was back in her life, and Etheria was healing from a generational war.
She was just being anxious for no reason.
Adora fidgeted under her own gaze grimacing and feeling exposed in her own body-something she had never felt before. She tore herself away suddenly and strode over to the shower, determined to push it away for the time being.
When she stepped out of the bathroom, the feeling had diminished, but a faint cloud still lingered in her mind.
Catra was finally awake now, scratching Melogs ears, having moved from the bed to the window. She turned at hearing Adora walk through the doorway.
“Hey, Adora,” She greeted warmly.
Adora allowed a fond and lovestruck smile to take over her features, moving to peck Catra on the lips.
“Hi, did you sleep well?” Adora asked, wrapping her arms around Catra loosely.
“Hmm, always with you”
Adora giggled a little at that, “Good, I’m glad”
A comfortable silence encompassed the room, the couple simply basking in each other's company. Being in Catra’s presence usually calmed her racing heart.
Eventually, Adora broke away.
“C’mon let’s go get some food before the meetings start for the day”
Catra smiled, “Right behind you”
--
They both made their way through the winding halls of the castle until they made it to the kitchens.
Glimmer and Bow were already sitting at a table with some of the other alliance members. The couple filled their plates and joined them.
“Morning you two,” Bow said, giving them a small wave then getting pulled back into a conversion with Sea Hawk.
“You ready for our day of suffering?” Glimmer groaned, knocking back the rest of the coffee in her mug. Catra smirked back at her.
“It wouldn’t be such a horrible day of meetings if you had just spread them out like I suggested,” Catra so helpfully reminded her. Glimmer groaned even louder, glaring at Catra.
“I don’t pay you to tell me how stupid I am”
“Actually you don’t pay me at all Glitter Bomb, this was purely for my own entertainment,” Catra shot back. “Seriously though, we wouldn’t have to be putting up with five back to back meetings today if you had just told each person a different day.”
“Ugh, I know, but at the time it seemed better to just get them all done at once, then I could maybe get a break tomorrow,” Glimmer tried to reason.
Glimmer had especially become very busy with the end of the war. Brightmoon was not hit as hard as other places and continued to be a guiding light for reconstruction. She has barely had any time to rest since the Heart was released.
Today, five diplomats from smaller towns around Etheria had traveled to Brightmoon to discuss aid teams to be sent to their respective lands. While it is true that it is more efficient to get them all done at once, it means a complete day of back to back meetings with minimal breaks.
Adora wouldn’t have cared as much, except for the fact that both Glimmer and the Diplomats had requested her, or rather She-ra, to be present. She was hoping to get more reconstruction efforts completed in Thaymore today, but now she was roped into these meetings along with Glimmer and Catra. She only hoped they wouldn’t be too terribly boring. It wasn’t that she didn’t appreciate that her friends and other prominent figures thought she could be helpful, she just didn’t think she could offer much in the way of planning.
Regardless, the three of them, resigned to their fate for the day, eventually trudged out of the kitchen and into the meeting room.
--
To be honest the first couple meeting’s weren’t so terrible. They definitely lasted a long time, but that was mainly due to the tedious, yet necessary task of deciding which and how much of what resources were going to be distributed. Adora was even jumping in from time to time, offering her own ideas and opinions. It kept her engaged and distracted just enough that the cloud above her head was virtually unnoticeable.
That was until the third meeting of the day.
There wasn’t even anything wrong with this meeting specifically. The diplomat was nice enough; they made reasonable proposals for the aid needed and were as respectful as the previous ones had been.
Maybe it was the extended periods of sitting; being stagnant, allowing joints to stiffen and bones to ache. Maybe it was the way the stifling heat encompassing the room after so many hours of being locked inside made her shirt latch uncomfortably to her body. Maybe it was the pressure of the tight ponytail on her head, straining her hair. Maybe, maybe, maybe.
What was certain was that feeling from the morning coming back to haunt Adora. It made her fidget in her seat, trying to find a comfortable position to just be.
Catra shot her a glance to her right, sliding her hand over under the table, no doubt assuming the fidgeting was caused by a restlessness of boredom. Regardless, Adora accepted and appreciated the gesture all the same, sending Catra a grateful smile.
Her presence helped to focus her back into the present, but could only stave off the feeling for so long. Her knee started a steady rhythm, bouncing as her breathing slowly picked up. She tried unsuccessfully to adjust her shirt, trying to get it unplaster from her chest. It didn’t work. It clung right back, making the sensation even worse. Adora grimaced slightly, shfiting in her seat again. All the while she could just make out Catra looking over to her again, trying to check in with her, but Adora was too far into her own head.
The anxiety from the morning came back, churning with the uncomfortable haze that now surrounded her body. She didn’t know what was happening, why her body felt like this, why she couldn’t just get over it.
It had never felt this bad before. Previously, she’d be able to distract herself; go out to help with reconstruction, go training, or hang out with the Best Friend Squad. It had all come to a head now. Now, of all the times and places, it had to be right now, in the middle of some arbitrary meeting she could care less about.
She needed to get out of this room and finally breathe. She felt trapped, cramped, suffocated. Her breathing had steadily gotten more laborious. The thought of having to come up with some excuse to leave was feeling like too much effort, so she did the only thing she could think of.
She turned her hand over to grasp Catra’s and squeezed tightly, hoping she’d get the message.
After a beat, she felt the hand squeeze back.
“Hey, why don’t we take five, yeah? Give us a chance to think over the current proposal then give it a once over with fresh eyes.” Catra said, not waiting for a response, standing and pulling Adora along with her.
Adora could only follow, eyes starting to narrow. The anxiety had taken over, she didn’t feel like her body was a part of her anymore.
Somehow they made it back to their room, Catra practically knocking down the door to get inside. As soon as they were both in, Catra did an about-face trying to figure out what was wrong.
“Adora?” She asked, keeping their hands linked but not moving any closer. She didn’t know what her partner needed now and was scared of making it worse.
All Adora could do was shake her head, still trying to get her breathing under control.
“Okay. Okay, it’s gonna be alright.” Catra assured. “Just focus on my voice. I’m right here, I’m not going anywhere. I promise. All you need to do is breathe, Adora. You’re safe here.”
Catra’s guidance and words of encouragement eventually allowed Adora to slow her breathing to a manageable speed. She swallowed hard and tried to speak, staring down at where their hands met.
“I-I’m s-sorry. I don’t know what happened”
“Adora, it’s okay. You don’t have to apologize.” Catra said, trying to meet her eyes. “I’m just worried about you. Do you want to sit down?”
A small nod was sent back. Catra pulled Adora towards their bed and guided her to sit down. She slumped onto the mattress, still trying to maintain her breathing. Catra rubbed small circles into her back, hoping it was at least a little bit comforting. After a minute, Adora leaned into Catra’s side, trusting her to be her rock.
“Catra?” She asked.
“Yeah?”
“I’m scared”
“It’s okay to be scared. I’m here for you, for whatever you need. Do you wanna talk about it?”
“I just-I don’t even know what it is. I woke up feeling kind of off this morning, but I thought it would just go away. Then during the meeting it all came back at once.” Adora explained, gesturing wildly with her hands.
“Was this the first time this has happened?” Catra asked carefully. She knew Adora still had a tendency to hide when she was going through something difficult. She had gotten much better since the war ended, but nobody’s perfect ironically enough for her.
“...no it wasn’t, but it never got this bad before”
Catra shuffled down so she could lean back against the headboard of their bed, gently shifting Adora to lay next to her. She ran her fingers carefully through Adora’s hair as she felt her shift to wrap her arm around her stomach. Catra took a couple deep breaths before speaking again.
“When you feel this way, are there parts or things that you know will make you feel better or worse?” she asked calmly.
“Umm...I guess I just feel really uncomfortable in my body, but I don’t know why and that just makes it worse.,” Adora starting explaining, quickly picking up speed to her voice, “I just...everything is finally starting to settle down and I don’t know where this is coming from or why or how to fix it and-”
“Breath again Adora. There’s a lot going on, so just try to focus on one thing, ok?”
Adora took another couple deep breaths, then tried to explain again.
“Ok, ok. Today, I just didn’t feel right when I looked in the mirror and during the meeting it was really hot and my shirt was clinging to me and felt really weird.”
“Do you still feel that way right now?”
“Kinda”
“Do you wanna change clothes”
“Yeah”
“Ok,” Catra said simply.
Catra got up, repositioning Adora on the bed. She walked over to their dresser and pulled out the baggiest shirt she could find, a blue t-shirt she sometimes wore to nap in. She dug around in the next drawer and pulled out some equally as baggy gray joggers.
“Here, go put these on. I have to head back, but I’m gonna tell Glimmer that you’ll be absent from the rest of the meetings, ok?”
Adora wanted to argue, fight that she was fine, that she could finish the meetings. But that weight was still there. She was tired. Despite getting a whole night of sleep, she felt like her brain was on fire and her body felt deeply fatigued and sluggish.
She let out a resigning huff and nodded her head, excepting the clothes from Catra.
“Just stay here and rest, ok. I’ll be back before you know it. I love you” Catra said, placing a light kiss on Adora’s forehead. She really didn’t want to leave Adora, especially when she was feeling so bad. But these meetings wouldn’t finish themselves, and as soon as they were done, she’d have all the time to spend with Adora.
Before she left the room, she went over to the bedside table and retrieved her trackpad. She fiddled with the controls and then placed it on the bed next to Adora.
“I know in the past DT has been kind of a pain in both our asses, but maybe you should give them a call. They might be able to help” Catra said hesitantly, with an encouraging smile.
Adora looked thoroughly confused at the proposition her partner had just posed to her. Her eyebrows knit together tightly.
How on Etheria would DT have anything to do with what she was feeling? She had barely seen them since before the war ended. She knew on occasion that they met up with Catra, but she never joined. She never really felt like she clicked with them, especially after them breaching into the rebellion.
“Just, trust me. You don’t have to if you don’t want to, promise”
And with that, Catra turned on her heel and waltzed out of the room, striding to her fate of more meetings.
Adora still sat on the bed, clothes in her lap, staring at the trackpad on her side. DT’s contact info was pulled up. It would only take a couple taps to the screen to call them. She groaned, lugging herself up and walking to the bathroom.
She tried to get changed as quickly as possible, peeling away her form fitting clothes and letting the baggy clothes drape around her frame. As she walked out, she looked in the mirror again. The clothes made her form less apparent. The broadness of her shoulders coupled with the way the shirt sat on her body made her chest look flatter. Her hips weren’t as pronounced as well. Everything was more flat and undefined.
That weight receded the smallest bit and her breath seemed to finally reach a rhythm that allowed her to release the tension present in her shoulders. She couldn’t take her eyes off her reflection now. The feeling she had looking at herself now was drastically different from how she felt just hours earlier.
She walked back out to the bedroom and picked up the trackerpad.
She trusted Catra. Completely. So maybe she was right in that DT could help her.
She turned to sit on the bed and hit their contact info, waiting to see if the connection would go through.
After a couple resounding rings, DT’s face came into focus.
“Well, hello there darling. I was certainly not expecting you to be calling me. Is everything ok with our dear Catra?” DT drawled looking very intrigued.
Adora couldn’t tell where they were, their face taking up most of the screen, but in the slivers of the background, it looked to be some kind of stage.
“Umm no, Catra is fine. She told me to call you,” Adora said awkwardly, clearly unsure now that she got this far. Again, how in the world is this gonna help her with her brewing existential crisis?
“Well, don’t keep waiting, what is the steaming tea about why you needed to call me out of the blue?” DT asked, sending her a leering glance.
“Uhh, that’s the thing, I don’t really know?”
“You don’t know?”
“No”
“Hmm, a mystery then, I suppose. Okay dear, why don’t you start with what was going on before this little chat?” DT proposed, flashing a smile that was all teeth.
The uncomfortableness radiating off Adora was now palpable. It was bad enough trying to explain how she felt to Catra, someone who she trusted. Now she had to try and put into words how she was feeling to what she believed to be a morally grey theater fanatic. No biggy, not at all.
“Okay, well, I guess it started this morning. I just felt kinda off? My body felt like it wasn’t my body, but I managed to bury it through most of the meetings. But then during the last one, that feeling came back super strong. I hated the way my clothes were clinging to my body and I just couldn’t take it. Catra brought me back here, had me change my clothes and then call you.”
“That certainly was tea, I must say. Hmm, honestly if Catra hadn’t recommended me, I would have absolutely no clue what is wrong with you, could be anything.”
Adora deflated a bit at that, but DT kept on going.
“However! I think I do know what ails you darling.”
“Really?” Adora asked, slightly disbelieving. She was simultaneously doubtful and optimistic.
DT actually sobered at that, dropping the flamboyant air that usually followed them around, if only for a bit.
“Yes, it seems to be somewhat similar to how I felt, once upon a time. I was raised to be someone I wasn’t and felt that weight on me. Eventually, I broke out of those expectations and that weight went away.”
“Oh, that’s great,” Adora said, perking up, but then knitted her brows again, “but, uhh, how do I do that?”
“Ha, well that is the very question isn’t it? It’s different for everyone. What I felt and what worked might be completely different for you.”
“So what do I do about it?”
“Stars, you horde kids really were just suppressed from all reflective abilities weren’t you, such a tragedy.” DT noted, sighing dramatically, “Just try stuff out. Change your wardrobe, your name, your pronouns, whatever you want. See what sticks. What makes you happy, what doesn’t”
“But that’s, that’s so chaotic. I don’t-I don’t even know where to start.” Adora said frantically.
“From what you told me, it sounds like clothes would be a good place to start, yes? You said your clothes were uncomfortable to wear?”
“Today, yeah, but not all the time.”
“That’s fine. Sometimes you may find that some days you’ll feel more comfortable in some clothes than others. It will be a good practice in loosening up, force you to try new things now that you don’t have a war looming over your shoulder.”
Adora looked distressed. Everything DT was saying seemed to make sense, but they were right, it was gonna be hard. She didn’t like trying anything and everything to see what would work and what wouldn’t. She just wanted something that would work, full proof. Then she could get back to her job.
“I can hear you thinking from here, love. Don’t think so hard. You did a lot to save this planet, this universe. I think you’re allowed to not have a plan and go with the flow. Nothing bad is gonna happen, I promise.”
At that, Adora looked right at DT. They were smiling at her. Maybe the most gentle, genuine smile she had ever seen from them. It was comforting. She could see the understanding in their eyes, see the history that they’ve been here, where she is. Maybe she could do this, throw a little of her own caution to the wind and just let her body guide her.
“Seems like you’ve resolved yourself to this riveting journey,” They said, their bravado returning in full force, “Let me know how it goes, dear. I’m invested now.”
They winked at her and then signed off.
Adora just stared down at the tablet.
Well, not what she was expecting. That’s for sure.
So. Clothes.
Right.
Adora huffed and set the tablet aside. She stared at the dresser that Catra had gone to earlier.
Catra was the one that had branched out more between the two of them in terms of clothes. Adora still kept to the simple slacks and white compression shirts. She was working on getting better at wearing other stuff, but old habits.
Catra had discovered the freedom of baggy clothes to lounge around in. It was less restrictive than the skin tight clothes she usually wore. She had remarked that even Adora’s clothes were too tight now to nap in.
Adora sifted through some of the shirts, trying to find ones like the one she was wearing that would be baggy even on her. She found a couple simple colored t-shirts and a few long sleeve shirts. They would have to do until she could work up the courage to go acquire more.
She thought back to the other things that DT had suggested. She didn’t feel extremely attached to her name, but she also didn’t feel like it was something that needed to change. To her, it was more of a feeling in her body than her name so much.
She was still unsure about the pronouns, but as she thought further the more she wondered what it would be like to change them. All her life, other people’s expectations had been put on her. There was so much baggage to who she was now and what she has done. Being a princess. Being a hero. Savior of the universe. Changing her pronouns felt like something she could claim for herself.
DT existed in this freeing limbo, not bound to what others thought or projected onto them. It was like a blank slate, free for them to craft into whatever they pleased. And while it kinda scared the shit out of Adora, it also seemed like something she’d been waiting her whole life for.
She still had a couple hours left before Catra would be done with her meetings. To pass the time and ward off any more anxious thoughts, Adora shuffled over to her desk in the far corner of the room. It was overflowing with papers, scrolls, pencils, and measuring instruments. She skimmed over the paper placed in the center of the desk; a partially finished star map of the galaxy neighboring Etheria’s.
Adora had taken to cartography in the time since the war ended. It was meticulous, but meditative. It gave her something to focus on; soothing as it was practical. Hopefully, it would keep her occupied long enough for her partner to return.
--
Catra pushed the door open to their bedroom two hours later, thoroughly exhausted. The last few meetings proved to be especially taxing, requiring more contact to other towns to approve use of resources to be shipped to those in need. At least they still managed to finish relatively on time. Catra had wanted to come straight back to Adora the whole time she was gone, but she stuck it out.
She found Adora perched next to her desk holding up some weird metal contraption against a large sheet of paper. She was no doubt trying to map out more stars to scale. Catra would forever appreciate that Adora had found something that she enjoyed and kept her mind busy. It was surprising to see that she had managed to find a hobby that didn’t actually require her to be up and about, but sitting; carefully tracking each star into their respective place high in the sky.
“Hey, baby” Catra said, before she reached Adora to not startle her.
Adora popped her head up from what she was doing. When she caught sight of Catra, her shoulders dropped and a smile tugged at the corners of her mouth.
“Hey, there,” She said, abandoning her work to turn towards Catra, “How were the rest of the meetings?”
“Oh god, I don’t want to think about them ever again, please.” She said with an air of exhaustion touted for show, but the actual tiredness seeped in.
Adora slumped a little, feeling a bit guilty at not being able to continue with the rest of them. She knew it wouldn’t have done much good to anyone to continue while she was feeling so bad, but old habits. Again. Pesky bastards.
Catra must have seen the change, moving forwards and laying one hand on Adora’s shoulder, the other tilting her head to look at her.
“None of that. You don’t ever have to feel guilty for taking care of yourself again Adora.”
Adora nodded, wrapping her arms around Catra’s hips, turning her head to lean against her stomach. She sighed deeply letting the soothing thump of Catra’s heartbeat lull her into a meditative state, feeling her muscles get heavier by the second.
“C’mon sleepy head. You had a big day and I am prone to fall over at any given moment,” Catra chuckled, tugging Adora up and over to the bed. Clothes were haphazardly shed until they were both in their undergarments. Catra shed her top as well, wanting to sprawl as much fur on the silky bed sheets as possible. Adora took full advantage of this and slotted herself right next to Catra. She nuzzled into the impossibly soft tufts on her chest until her ear was again picking up that grounding thump-thump-thump. Catra let a soft rolling purr kick up, reaching down to pick out the hair tie on Adora’s head and comb through her blonde locks with her claws.
Catra was completely blissed out and unsurprisingly passed out in seconds. Adora took a bit longer, a tad anxious to speak with Catra about what she wanted. However, she knew whatever happened they had each other, nothing could change that now. And so she too drifted off into blissful sleep.
--
This time, when Adora woke up, she was the one clinging to Catra. They had barely moved from their starting positions the night before. She hummed to herself burrowing even deeper into the range of fur around her. Catra languidly stretched, another purr rumbling through her whole body and into Adora’s.
“Morning,” Catra said, glancing down at her. Adora hooked her head over Catra’s shoulder and smiled softly and openly back at her.
“Hi baby,” Adora responded, turning her head to yawn loudly, “you sleep well?”
“Always, with you,” She said, copying the other’s words from the previous day.
Adora laughed and let her head fall back against Catra. The feline combed through her blonde hair again looking pensively out at their bedroom.
“Did you end up talking to DT yesterday?” Catra asked. She didn’t know if she should push Adora, but she was worried based on how distraught she was the previous day.
“Umm, yeah I actually did. It was weird, but I think it did help. I guess we’ll see.” Adora responded, shrugging her shoulders a bit to get the point across.
“Hmm, well I’m glad it helped. Let me know if there’s anything I can do.”
Adora seemed to tense a little at that, but stayed where she was.
“I-um, I think I want to try using different pronouns. For a while, at least, please don’t be mad, but, uh”
“Why would I be mad at you?”
“You’re not?”
Catra smiles at them, “Of course not. I love you, dummy.”
“Oh, yeah, uhh, cool. I love you too” Adora said.
“So, what pronouns were you thinking? They/them?”
“For now, yeah I think so. Maybe you and I can try them out, just us, then tell others?”
Catra smiled down at them again, “That sounds great” she said fondly.