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Fox is sitting down on his desk, slugging through paperwork when the door flies open.
“What is it, Thorn,” he says tiredly, not bothering to look up.
“I’m not Thorn.” the words pierce the air, harsh and sudden. A pair of hands slams down on Fox’s desk.
Fox’s head snaps up to stare at a commander in gold colored armor, looming over him.
“Cody,” he whispers, mouth suddenly dry.
The other commanders had kicked him from their group chat where they talked freely about what they thought or their missions. Not that it mattered, Fox was a lurker, never chatting. He needed to focus on his work and papers from the chancellor and entitled senators, anyway. The others had also sent tirades pmed directly to him; all denouncing him as their brother and the like. He'd been promptly blocked from each and everyone since then.
All because of three murky words and
painpainhurt All because he had killed Fives.
“Commander Cody to you,” Cody–Commander Cody’s eyes are icy fire, boring into Fox’s.
“Commander Cody, then,” Fox’s face slips from its initial shock to the well-worn mask he carries around the Senate. “Why are you here?” he asks as carelessly as he could, not letting himself be intimidated.
Commander Cody raises his brow, dangerous. As dangerous as that senator from the other day who had railed at him. Hurling abuses, as he stood there unable to fight back. A senator who could have sent him to be decommissioned.
“It’s not obvious?” Commander Cody tilts his head, eyes narrowing. “You forgot that easily?” he leans back from the table. “Let me remind you then,” he begins to pace, "why I had to slice into his room to hold him, why Rex, my vod'ika, was crying his heart out to me? Hmmm?" he turns back to Fox, eyes trapping him in place.
“The warehouse, Fives,” Fox answers, not breaking his gaze even as nerves settled into his bones.
“Exactly,” the other commander’s voice is cold and sharp. “Why?”
“I had orders,” Fox says softly, it’s the most he can tell because it’s true, yet it shouldn’t be true.
Commander Cody scoffs.
“Commander," he sneers, "the Fox I knew would never sacrifice a man because of orders,” he spits the word out like it was a curse, and maybe it is. He cocks his head, every movement deliberate. “But maybe you're not that Fox anymore,” he stares down at Fox. “I came here for answers, give me an explanation.”
Fox raises his brow, “Explanation?” his voice is quiet, maybe he could deescalate this, but he felt so, so tired.
“Yes.”
Something cracks in Fox, the keystone in his bridge, so to speak. He was broken already, what was one more crack? What if he finally showed how he truly felt, not this creaking shield.
“What other explanation is there?” Fox’s words tastes like cardboard in his mouth. Sand. Words forced out because what could he say? He was losing memory? That he woke up not knowing where he was? That he would disappear and reappear with new scars? For what reason he doesn't know?
How he screams against the pain, hurt, please, not again, I'll be a good soldier, please, I promise, no–!
Commander, Execute Order–fuzzy. Static. Cries of fear, (please, no, I beg–monster), a blaster bolt sounding–silence.
“Really?” Commander Cody asks, leaning over the table again. “I expected better for the Commander of the Guard.” his words are barbed wire.
“Why?" he growls, louder. "Why?! You have stun bolts, why didn't you stun him instead! And don’t say it was an accident,” Cody’s glaring at him now. “You work with civilians all the time, it should have been on stun. Why?” He asks again, quieter, lower. And Fox knows that that tone means danger but he doesn't care anymore.
“Why?” Fox repeats, voice rising to match the other Marshall Commander’s voice. “You think I wanted to?” Fox rises out of his chair, his words are sharper, cold. “You think I wanted to kill him!?” Fox breaks his well-worn mask and glares back at Cody. “Do you?!” And Fox knows he’s shouting now but he doesn’t care. Not anymore.
“I helped train Fives! You don’t think I don’t know how much Rex was proud–” Fox’s voice cracks at the word, (will anyone ever be proud), “of him? He was always talking about him! You think I wanted to murder a brother?!”
Commander Cody is taken aback at Fox’s outburst, he’s leaned back slightly, surprise evident, but Fox doesn’t notice. It's as if Cody never knew Fox could yell. As if the cold facade with hidden cracks could never break.
“You want an explanation?” Fox leans forward, words are quiet now, still sharp. “I didn’t want to; didn’t have much of a choice," he hisses the words out. Acrid on his tongue.
He says it in anger, in tiredness of fighting uphill–against the world–but it’s a broken confession that he doesn’t know. It’s hidden under layers of coldness, in a low dangerous tone, and hard eyes; a cry for help.
The other commander takes a step back from the vehemence and his face shifts to–Fox is too weary of studying faces.
“What do you mean?” Cody's tone is still cold but confused. “How can you not have a choice?! You always have a choice!”
“I didn’t,” Fox says coolly, sitting back in his chair. He can still remember his actions leading to Fives being killed. He told his men to set it on stun. He can feel himself putting it on stun then switching it off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. Please, no, no, no, nononono–
He couldn’t control it.
He couldn't control it.
Now the blood of a brother's joins the blood of many to stain his hands.
“Explain,” Cody demands.
Fox sighs, “What explaining is needed? I didn’t have control over my actions,” he says nonchalantly bitter. He couldn’t control his own body and that made him the villain. What else was there to say? After his childish outburst he felt drained. He was empty. Broken.
“What?” Commander Cody takes a step forward. “What do you mean?”
“I didn’t have control over my actions,” Fox repeats slowly in a monotone voice. If he would leave Fox could get back at his mountain of paperwork. Back to drown in his job. “Happy now?”
“No,” Cody sits down, face accusing. “I came here for an explanation. A good one.” he adds. “One doesn’t lose control of their actions for no reason, so how and why?” his eyes are intensely lit.
For the first time since Fox knows, there’s a thrumming in him. A strange feeling coursing throughout his body. This, something whispers, this is the key. Someone will listen. His whole body tingles. As if his senses have been dormant the entire time. Everything sharpens into focus, sounds, sight, everything. He feels alive.
—————–
In another universe Cody walks in and punches Fox in the jaw. Cody walks away leaving a broken nose, ruined paperwork, and a shattered spirit.
In another universe Cody walks in and demands for an explanation. He leaves with a mind full of horror at what Coruscant Guard has been experiencing and understanding. He leaves a broken, but healing, brother, a desk full of paperwork, and a renewed spirit.
In another universe Jedi die and clones become mindless slaves.
In another, some Jedi die, some live, and the clones are fighting.
In another universe the Jedi live and the clones are free.
In all of them Fox cries. One in desperation. One in burden.
And one:
One in relief.
—————–
For the first time, Fox lets himself feel something that he's forgotten.
Hope.