Work Text:
I can sense it. I’m vanishing from this world.
My mind has begun to blur and it is hard for me to remember. The thoughts of friends and romance already are slipping away. There are times where no one can noticed my existence. There are times where no one can realize who I am or even know my name until I say anything.
It is not lonely for me.
Ever since The Platinum Jail broke down; ever since “my desire” disappeared, when Sei-niisan vanished, I already knew. My time will also come someday. I am not human. I am a product of Toue’s experiment. Just like my brother, I will someday disappear.
Ren doesn’t know this. I never planned to say anything to him. He already had a great deal with the treatment and adjusting with Sei’s body. I don’t want to trouble him any further. At any rate, I am more concerned about how he will do when I’m no longer around.
When Ren had no need to practice walking anymore. I was so happy that I took him sightseeing. We’re almost caught by Clara, thou. I have to remember to introduce Ren to everyone someday. I have to do it before I disappear.
I am happy the way I am now. I need nothing anymore. Or maybe I am no longer have power to wish anything else.
Slipping away, disappearing. Slowly, slowly.
Sometimes, I fell asleep when I talked with my friends. It was so sudden and no one noticed it. At that time, I surely can’t remember who I was talking to or even where I was. Koujaku’s the only one who tried to wake me up but he thought that was the side effect of our drinks. Mizuki brushed them off with another topic, then they started to leave me out the conversation. It seemed dim and stupid. But it happened repeatedly over the eight months.
I think that is the time when Mizuki and Koujaku completely forgot who I am. Ren got a bit riled up when they invited him for drink but not for me. I tried my best to calm Ren.
“Um, Ren. It really is okay. They are not in fault.”
“…Aoba, are you okay with this?”
I can no longer see his expressions. I have just a little power to stay as playful as I can be. The time will come very soon. My reasoning begin to disappear. I’m just a blur existence between the living people. I have no desire of anything. I am happier when I knew no one will cry over my death.
“I’m okay. Really. They’re inviting a lot of friends. It isn’t odd if they forgot one or two names.”
“Everyone in Benishigure, Dry Juice, then Clear and Noiz… This event is celebration for how we successfully destructed Platinum Jail three years ago. How can they left you out?”
“As I said… It is okay. Besides, I need to do something else so I need you to fill in for me anyway.”
Ren twitched his eyes. “Where are you going?”
I’m disappearing, Ren. I can’t say that sentence. I have no courage to say that the time has come even closer. Every time I see calendar for next week, there’s nothing I can imagine for me. Before it happened… I have to prepare Ren. I need him to have a good relation with everyone. So, when the time come, Ren can count on someone else. Not me.
That is why, Ren has to go to that event. Alone. He needs to socially capable without me.
I smile and pet his hair. “I am not going anywhere.” I will disappear here. Alone.
“Then, tell me what you are planning to do?”
“I want to sleep. Anyway, they will start in an hour. You better go now, Ren. Come on. Change your clothes.”
“Want to sleep? Aoba, are you feeling unwell?”
“Reeenn. Just go already, will you?”
“Do you want me to tell Tae-san?”
“It’s okay! I’ll tell myself when she’s home, alright. Now, you better go.” I lied.
Ren still hesitates but I keep pushing him out the home then locked it. I don’t want him to see this part of me.
I am indeed stupid and coward.
Tears keep falling as I walk back to my room. I hardly can breathe or even see. Using my hand to find my way back and very slowly swarm the stairs. As I reached my bed, I took a deep breath.
This is how I wanted to end it.
I no longer need anything.
I no longer have any desire.
“…Just let me… sleep.” I am tired. There’s nothing I can hear except for my faint heartbeat which the rhythm off and slower in every minutes. There are neither sense from my skin nor smell. My body’s getting numb and heavier. The eyelids are already closed.
I take another deep breath.
There won’t be a piece of memory where I was there.
Ren will feel none of sadness because I’ll be erased completely. I love him. I love him so much that I wish the best for him. That is why I won’t let Ren see me in this state. I won’t let him see me vanishing. I love him. I love him to the end of the world.
If I’m the one who’ll make him sad, then I should disappear completely.
Let it be my last destruction…
“Hey, Ren! You finally came!” Mizuki greets Ren with eager face. “You come on the right time. Noiz and Koujaku are having a drink competition. Want to bet whose gonna win?”
“……”
“Ah, Ren-san! It’s been awhile since the last time we met. How’re you doing?” Clear shows up with bright voice as he clung on Ren. “Huh? Ren-san? What’s wrong? Your face is a bit pale.”
Ren looks at Clear with wide eyes. “…Clear. I have something I want to ask you.”
“Yes? What do you want to ask of me?”
“Your master…” Ren gulps. “Who’s your master?”
Clear tilts his head. “Master? That is you, of course, Ren-san.”
"What?"