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1.
Usopp groggily opens his eyes, rubbing at their crustiness as a rush of morning tiredness hits him like a sea train. It's a peaceful morning on the Going Merry, and his nakama are still snoring away into the calm silence- the distant cry of gulls the only sound to be heard. Not quite ready to rise yet, Usopp remains still in his hammock, feeling the soft rocking of the waves. Luffy's limp body is half dangling down from the hammock above his own, with Chopper curled up like a cat on the couch, and Zoro and Sanji laying together on the floor.
That's a little close for comfort, the sharpshooter notices suspiciously.
Upon further inspection, it becomes clearer that Sanji is using Zoro's bicep as a pillow. Their faces are only a few inches apart yet the two appear completely at peace- one could never guess the nature of their rivalry from such a domestic scene.
They look like a married couple, Usopp thinks, And they bicker like one too.
He is about to drift back off to sleep when a shrill voice suddenly bursts from above, rattling through the floorboards of the ship.
"Wake up everyone!" Nami yells from the upstairs deck. "We're approaching an island!"
Usopp sighs. Can't he sleep in just one morning? He envies Zoro’s and Luffy’s ability to conk out any place any time regardless of the usual Strawhat crew hullabaloo.
"GET UP HERE!!" An impatient Nami repeats even louder.
"Good morning Nami-san..." Sanji mumbles from the floor. Grinning dreamily, he gazes lovingly at his human pillow whose eyes have yet to open.
Usopp holds back a chuckle at the cook's obliviousness.
"Allow me a passionate morning kiss~" Sanji coos, pursing his lips and advancing on the swordsman with a red flush blossoming on his cheeks.
Perhaps it's the earliness of the hour, or maybe something else entirely that Usopp can't name, but he suspects that it doesn't register in Sanji's delusional brain that the person he's about to kiss is not their navigator.
Sanji looks kind of happy... maybe I shouldn't interfere, Usopp decides, proceeding to pull on his boots, A little intimacy might actually be good for the two of them.
Zoro stirs, finally opening his eyes. He wakes to Sanji right in his face- the cook’s pursed lips stretching forward toward him, puckering for a kiss. Usopp can see the shock course through Zoro's system at the proximity and the swordsman chokes on something; bile, or his own tongue maybe.
(It's rather strange that Zoro hasn't immediately sliced the cook's throat or at least threatened to castrate him yet. He remains frozen in place, Sanji's lips getting dangerously close.)
Is Zoro actually gonna let this happen? Usopp stifles a gasp by pressing his palm to his mouth. He drops his goggles on the ground doing so, but his nakama are much too preoccupied to notice their audience.
In a sudden burst of (miraculous) realization, Sanji freezes, snapping out of his morning daze, gaze meeting Zoro's horrified one. Usopp can practically cut the tension that fills the air between them with one of the cook's kitchen knives.
Sanji lets out a small gasp. Zoro gasps too, then Sanji again, and Zoro once more.
The two idiots stare at each other and gasp for another minute, neither of them moving away.
This is getting ridiculous. Usopp shakes his head irritatedly, snatching up his goggles again. Are they gonna smooch or what?
"YOU BASTARD! DONT STICK THAT UGLY MUG OF YOURS IN MY FACE!" Zoro screeches, words flying out of his mouth like shuriken once he finds his voice.
Usopp sighs, feeling a little disappointed. Maybe if those two directed their passion into something other than rivalry they wouldn't fight so often... and Usopp himself wouldn't have to repair the damage they cause on the ship as frequently as he does. He's no shipwright.
"THATS WHAT I WAS GONNA SAY!" Sanji screams back.
Both young men blush like schoolgirls- it's both amusing and slightly pathetic. In a blink they're fighting again, yanking at hair, grabbing at clothes, effectively waking the rest of the crew along with them.
It always turns out this way, I don't know what I was expecting. Usopp ties his hair back in a messy bun, then collects his belongings for the day: a hammer, some smoke bombs, elastic bands, his bandana.
Nami cries from above deck, "THIS ISLAND IS HUGE!" but Zoro and Sanji are still cursing at each other's throats.
"Hah?" Luffy gurgles sleepily. He falls out of his hammock right onto Usopp, knocking the breath out of him. "ISLAND?!" The captain makes sure to trample right over the hopeless fools on the floor in his rush to get above deck too, leaving them in a tangled heap.
"SHITTY COOK!"
"USELESS MARIMO!"
"DARTBOARD BROW!"
"IDIOT SWORDSMAN!"
"Just make out already..." Usopp mutters dejectedly as he gets up to rub his head. Maybe that'll stop this nonsense.
He leaves the two headaches on the floor in a tangle as he heads upstairs to his slightly more sane Nakama.
2.
Usopp, Luffy, Nami, Sanji, and Zoro are aboard Silver Fox Foxy's funhouse-like ship, lost in a strange room within it's labyrinthine interior, when the man in question cackles before them,
"Haven't you realized yet?" Foxy drawls in his nasally voice, "Nobody escapes from the Slow-Slow beam!"
"That thing is a pain in the ass." Zoro mutters, and Usopp nods in agreement.
Foxy holds out his hand and sends a beam towards the wall. Usopp is about to laugh at his terrible aim (the Great Captain Usopp would never be so off the mark!) when he notices a huge mirror across the room- undoubtedly Foxy's true target.
The beam bounces off of the mirror straight towards their unsuspecting navigator.
Shit.
"Nami!" Zoro is immediately diving through the air to push her out of the beam's way. She yelps in surprise at the impact, and Zoro sends her flying across the room to safety.
"Oi, you bastard!" Sanji growls upon hearing Nami's little scream. He stalks toward Zoro, his self-righteous protectiveness towards womenkind flaring up like a forest fire. "Don't you go shoving a lady like-"
Usopp facepalms at the cook's stupidity. Does he really need to get like this every time a girl screams? Zoro was saving her for gods sake! Why can't Sanji see that?
"You dumbass! Stay back!" Zoro hollers, but Sanji is an oblivious idiot and gets right up in Zoro's face like he always does, positively fuming with rage.
Nami calls out, "Sanji-kun! Zoro! It's headed your way, look out!" but neither of them hear her- they both get hit square on the back by the oncoming Slow-Slow beam.
The swordsman and the cook are immediately immobilized, the beam halting their bodies in mid-air like a freeze-frame. Slowly but inevitably they gravitate further toward each other, like two figures suspended in outer space.
"Damn you for dodging that Mugiwara! You cheater!" Foxy complains as he scurries off to the next room.
"Hold it, you bastard!" Luffy yells in frustration.
Zoro and Sanji drift agonizingly closer together. They both look horrified, and Usopp doesn't quite understand why until he realizes that their faces are perfectly aligned. A burst of laughter escapes him- it's just so stupid.
They're gonna smash right into each other's mouths.
"Oi, lets go!" Luffy rockets off after their foe.
Nami turns to Sanji and Zoro, a catlike grin stretched across her features. She's a little bit of a sadist, Usopp shivers.
"You two sit tight for 30 seconds."
Ignoring the blistering fear in both of their eyes, Nami leaves them to their inevitable fate.
Usopp stays back, however. Because I'm probably safer with those two to protect me than I am with Luffy and Nami, right? Hopefully they'll have defeated Foxy by the time everyone's reunited.
When he turns back to Zoro and Sanji, his nakama are panting and glaring at each other, much closer than necessary.
Ah, they must have done it.
"That was a close call and nothing more!" Sanji scrubs at his mouth, embarrassment staining his cheeks crimson. "Never speak of it again."
"No argument here!" Zoro agrees, gripping his white sword like a lifeline.
"Heh, but you kinda look like a Christmas tree when you blush, marimo."
"I am NOT blushing! I'll cut you into ribbons, Ero-cook!"
"Oi, cut it out guys! Let's go!" Usopp interrupts, and the two trudge toward him, muttering more insults. They wander back into the depth of Foxy's ship, following the destruction (because what better way to locate his chaotic captain?).
"Don't get lost, marimo."
"Say marimo again and I'll behead you-"
They're in such deep denial. Usopp resigns as they bounce more curses back and forth, I wish they would just stop holding back already. This hurts to watch.
3.
After the catastrophic incident with Kuma at Thriller Bark, Zoro is bedridden for several days. Chopper is by his side constantly, either switching his bandages or checking his temperature. He won't even leave for meals... it truly shows how serious Zoro's injuries are, and how much the little doctor worries over him.
The absence of both Zoro and Chopper at the dinner table is an obvious one to all, even with their new nakama Brook, however Sanji appears to be taking it the hardest out of everyone. For one, his normally steady hands have become incredibly shaky. It's extremely obvious during meals as he places his nakama's plates before them. Usopp also notes that since the event he hasn't been swooning over Nami and Robin as much as usual.
Is Sanji worried about him? Usopp ponders. Or maybe Zoro did something that affected Sanji personally?
Usopp really wishes someone would tell him what happened. All he knows for sure is that after everyone had gone unconscious, Sanji had carried a fatally injured Zoro back to Chopper with not so much as an explanation. Sure everyone got knocked out by the quake, but Zoro's injuries were clearly from some other cause that's been kept a secret.
After dinner a few days later, Sanji calls out to Usopp as the rest of the crew shuffles out of the galley (Luffy has to be rolled like a ball because he ate so much).
"Hey Usopp, can you try convincing Chopper to come and have some dinner?" the cook asks as he begins to gather the dirty plates from the table. "He hasn't eaten anything since yesterday and I won't have it anymore. I've tried talking to him but..." Sanji's hands shake uncontrollably as he stacks the used plates and cutlery. The noise of the dishes clinking together rattles through the galley teasingly.
Usopp grimaces, and readies himself to catch any if they fall. "Sanji..."
"He won't listen to me! I'm a cook dammit- feeding people is my job. Lil guy is probably starving but he's too in his head fussing over Zoro to even notice. It's always the stupid marimos fault-" Sanji cuts himself off, sighing, "Sorry, just- can you talk to Chopper? Maybe you can get through to him, that's all."
"Sure, I'll try, but Sanji..." Usopp trails off, unsure if it's safe to bring the topic up, "Are you alright? You've been pretty tense since we got back from Thriller Bark. And you're not the one who's been comatose."
Something dark flickers in Sanji's visible eye for just a moment, and Usopp immediately regrets bringing it up.
"Y-You know, Zoro will definitely be fine, if that's what you're worried about." he adds quickly, "We've got the best doctor on the sea, and he's working extra hard, so really, you can relax."
Sanji snorts, and Usopp watches him shove his hands in his pockets to pull out his cigarettes and lighter. He manages to light one up, but the shake in his hands is still pertinent.
"I know all of those things, but thanks for reminding me." he says with a grin. "That marimo is just way too suicidal. He really pisses me off."
Sanji takes a long drag, and Usopp can't help but wonder what really went down that day.
"I'll give him a swift kick to the head when he wakes up." Sanji adds. He uses his free hand to spin Usopp's body away from him and push him towards the door. "Now go before all this food gets cold."
"Alright, alright." Usopp nods obediently. He notes that Sanji didn't exactly deny being worried about his rival- that in itself might be some development.
Everything will be normal once Zoro wakes up.
Lo and behold, when Usopp makes it to Chopper's medical room, he hear voices from behind the door when he approaches. There's Chopper's high squeak and... Zoro's deeper drawl?
He practically rips the door open in his haste. He finds Zoro sitting up, conscious, while Chopper is barraging him with a million questions about his injuries and taking notes in some sort of notepad.
"Zoro you're awake!" Usopp exclaims excitedly.
"Barely." the swordsman grumbles, rubbing his head.
"He just woke up." Chopper tells Usopp distractedly, "Can you tell Luffy for me?"
Usopp sticks his head out of the door and spots his captain fishing off the side of the ship with Brook.
"OI LUFFY! GET OVER HERE!" the sharpshooter calls out to him. "SANJI, YOU TOO! ZORO IS UP!" he screams after.
The rubber man nearly falls into the sea in his excitement. "ZORO!!" he screams, bounding towards the medical room with Brook following behind. "ZORO YOU'RE AWAAAAKE!" he captures his first mate in a tight, rubbery hug.
"Yeah, so stop yelling." the swordsman pushes his clingy captain off him, albeit with a faint smile upon his face.
"Do you think Zoro-san will be alright with me joining your crew?" Brook ponders from outside of the door.
A slight shiver runs through Usopp's spine- he's still not yet used to Brook's haunting appearance.
"Of course, I'm sure he'll like to have another swordsman around." he assures him.
"Ah, I hope so. Perhaps I'll go introduce myself again."
Usopp gives the skeleton a thumbs up before he goes in after Luffy.
Within a minute the others have arrived too, everyone packed tightly into the small room like a can of sardines. Zoro is bombarded with questions like how are you feeling and what did Kuma do to you in which he only answers with "I'm fine" and "nothing I couldn't handle."
It's definitely not nothing if it's got Sanji so bothered. Usopp thinks.
Speaking of the cook, Usopp spots him lingering outside of the door frame with his cigarette. His hands don't appear to be as unsteady as they were ten minutes ago, but he's still pacing around and twitching like he's got something bothering him that he needs to get off his chest.
"Ne, Chopper," Usopp pokes the doctor's furry cheek, "There's dinner waiting for you in the galley― you should go before it gets cold."
"I need to monitor Zoro! I'm not hungry!" the reindeer replies stubbornly, but a loud grumbling from his little belly says otherwise.
"Liar, I heard that." Sanji cuts in, "Go eat. I'll watch the marimo for a while."
The little doctor looks skeptical, but ultimately agrees when Sanji promises to call him if anything goes wrong. "Everyone but Sanji OUT!" Chopper yells at his nakama, "Zoro can't rest with you all smothering him!"
Luffy whines but Franky and Nami manage to coerce him back outside. Brook and Robin follow in their wake.
"Thanks Chopper." Zoro directs his smile at their youngest crewmate, "You relax for a bit now too, okay?"
"Yeah, okay." Chopper agrees, and everyone save for Sanji begins to file out of the tiny room.
Usopp also exits, but he can't help but hesitate outside of the door afterwards. He's not as sly as Nami is, but his curiosity occasionally gets the better of him.
Maybe they'll talk about what happened... He bites his lip and presses his ear to the wooden door with high hopes.
"Cook." says Zoro.
"Marimo." says Sanji.
"....."
There's a long silence, and Usopp is just about to chicken out from his espionage when Zoro speaks again.
"I know what you want to talk about." he states, "It's over, so just drop it."
"Excuse me?" Sanji snaps back venomously, "I will NOT drop this!"
Zoro snorts, and Usopp can practically feel Sanji's wrath seeping out from under the door.
"Who gave you the right to knock me out? Why didn't you just let me take the hit?!"
Oh this is interesting. Usopp rubs his palms together. Zoro must have protected him from something.
"Stop being so goddamn noble all the time- you were walking into your freaking death, of course I had to stop you, idiot."
"What the hell, you nearly died too!"
"But I didn't."
"Thats still bullshit!!" Sanji bellows, "And since when is what I do your decision?"
"Stop whining, I'm not apologizing."
"You're moss headed you know that?"
"Don't care, and I would do it again. Now feel free to leave-"
"Screw that! Are you doing this on purpose to piss me off?!"
"For once I'm not, so why don't you just shut up be grateful!?"
"I swear if you weren't in this goddamn sick bed I would kick your no-sense-of-direction ass back to East Blue!"
"Try it, I dare you! Your twinkle toes wouldn't be able to land one hit on me even with a handicap."
Shit this sounds bad, do I need to go break them up? Zoro is still injured. Usopp peers through the window and sees Sanji yank Zoro towards him by the collar of his shirt.
"PRIMITIVE BASTARD!"
"DARTBOARD BROW!"
"IDIOT SWORDSMAN!"
"ERO-COOK!"
At this point Usopp is genuinely worried that Sanji is going to strangle Zoro to death. It's what usually happens at this point of the conversation. He has his hand on the doorknob when―
"Do you want to kiss me as much as I want to kiss you right now?" Zoro hisses between curses.
"Who knew you could say something intelligent you shitty goddamn marimo―"
Usopp is both surprised and also not surprised at all when the two finally crash their lips together, somehow still cursing each other while making out furiously. Zoro pulls Sanji onto the bed with him and Usopp decides he's seen more than enough.
"Ah, would you look at that."
Usopp nearly jumps out of his skin in shock when the Strawhat archaeologist pops up right beside him. "R-Robin!" he stutters red-handed, "I-I wasn't, I'm not―!"
"About time isn't it?" she inquires, giving him a devilish grin.
"Uhh, W-Well..."
"I hope swordsman-san doesn't pull his stitches." she winks at him and walks off toward the girls cabins. "Goodnight, longnose-kun."
Usopp decides that Robin is the most terrifying woman on earth. She has eyes and ears everywhere. Literally.
He dares one last peek at the chaos inside of the medical room. Those two are so strange, when you look at them it's hard to tell if they're fighting or kissing.
Zoro's hand ventures under Sanji's pants and Usopp chokes on his spit. "Okay now I'm gone." he practically flees from the scene, kind of scarred mentally, and retreats toward the galley.
I better remind Chopper to knock before he goes back into that room.
4.
On an evening several months later, Usopp finds himself in the galley patting his stomach contentedly; he'd just demolished the most delicious swordfish steak ever- Sanji really is the best cook at sea. As the others file out of the room with satisfied expressions and sighs, Usopp decides to remain at the table and refill some of his tabasco stars.
Who's on dishes today? he wonders as he heads over to the pantry where the spicy sauce is kept. He sees a muscular figure bending over the sink, with three swords leaning on the counter nearby. Ah, Zoro.
Sanji is on the opposite end of the kitchen packing away the leftovers from dinner in containers. Usopp gets a civilized, almost domestic feeling as he observes the two working together peacefully.
Since the event in the medical room that Usopp had witnessed that one night, he's noticed a huge improvement in Sanji's and Zoro's relationship. Usopp suspects that he and Robin are the only two who know about the... physical aspect to it, however it's obvious to the whole crew that the first mate and the cook get along much better than before. Usopp has even seen Sanji bring up sake to the crows nest a few times.
The sharpshooter smiles at his nakama as they work and opens the door to the pantry. Sanji doesn't seem to notice his presence, which is actually a fortunate thing. Sometimes the cook gets mad at Usopp when he swipes ingredients from his stores for ammunition purposes, so he'll just have to be quick.
He scans the packed shelves for the familiar red bottle, but as his hands clasp around it a loud crash comes from the kitchen.
"Shit."
Zoro's voice.
"I swear to god if you just-"
Usopp peeks out the door and sees Sanji and Zoro standing in front of the shattered remains of several plates.
"You had one job!" Sanji whines, "How could you mess up something as easy as washing dishes?"
Zoro sneers. "It's not my fault that they're so fragile."
"They're not fragile you're just not gentle enough! Put more care into it!"
"Why would I put care into washing dishes?"
"So that you don't break them!"
"Just use stronger dishes then!
"Why should I? Learn to fucking wash them properly!"
"Whatever," Zoro turns around and begins mumbling something unintelligible. Usopp assumes they're the usual curses. (Despite their relationship, the two argue just as much as before. The only difference is that now Usopp can tell it's mostly harmless bantering and competition that they both equally enjoy.)
The swordsman grabs a towel from inside a drawer and returns to the pile of glass. He bends over and silently begins picking up the shards and placing them in the towel. Sanji watches him with a frown.
"I'll replace everything." Zoro says quietly, "I may need to go to the weather witch for money but I promise I will."
Roronoa Zoro, the future greatest swordsman in the world, has just apologized while kneeling on the floor picking up pieces of broken plates.
Sanji's frown transforms into a delighted smile. (Usopp never noticed that he has dimples before.)
"Oi, don't call Nami-san names!" the cook smacks his shoulder affectionately.
Zoro just grunts and Sanji chuckles beside him.
"You're such a brute!"
He squats down beside the swordsman and begins to help, placing the pieces in the towel with his contagious grin, because it must be contagious- not only is Usopp grinning, Zoro is smirking too.
Usopp then realizes that he has the tabasco he came for in his hands but for some reason he can't bring himself to leave the pantry and ruin their moment.
How do I always end up in these situations?! he groans exasperatedly.
"Oi, careful not to cut yourself." Sanji warns Zoro, and the swordsman gives him a look that says, yeah, me of all people cutting myself-
"Ah, shit."
"What did I tell you!"
Blood oozes from Zoro's hand, and Usopp can't help but shake his head. They're still idiots.
"I'll call Chopper." Sanji begins to get up, but Zoro grabs his wrist with his uninjured hand.
"Don't call Chopper." he blurts.
"What? Why not? You're bleeding!"
"Just don't, this is nothing." Zoro releases Sanji's wrist and goes over the sink, rinsing his wound under the water. Even Usopp can see the crimson blood blend into the stream.
"But-"
"Please." Zoro almost begs.
"...fine." Sanji fetches another towel from the drawer and holds it out to the swordsman. Zoro shuts off the tap and accepts it with a bashful thanks.
The cook gives him a questioning look. "Do you hate it when Chopper treats your injuries?" he asks curiously, "I mean, you always deny any help when you get hurt. He usually has to force you-"
"I don't want to bother him with a few petty cuts." Zoro interrupts.
Sanji narrows his eyes at the swordsman, not buying the excuse.
"This particular time they're petty cuts, but sometimes they're not and you still don't tell him." he accuses, but there's no venom in his voice. Sanji is merely stating a fact, and it doesn't seem to upset Zoro. "What's the real reason?"
Usopp swallows nervously. Should I really be listening in on this?
Zoro's eyes drop down to stare at the Thousand Sunny's wooden floorboards. Sanji taps his foot impatiently, but remains otherwise quiet until Zoro speaks up.
"I don't want to worry him over something unnecessary. He's still just a kid, let him have his fun with the others for today." Zoro looks back up at Sanji with a twinkle in his eye, "Plus it's good to endure a little pain every now and then. How will I get stronger, otherwise? "
"Heh, knew it was a pride thing." Sanji says cheekily.
Zoro raises his eyebrows. "Don't act like you don't do it too."
"I never said I didn't,"
Zoro proceeds to pick up the last few shards of glass, while the cook returns to packing up the leftover food. The two resume their work in companionable silence.
Do I really want to leave this pantry right now. Usopp clutches the tabasco sauce tightly in his hand, I should wait until they clear out, I have a feeling they won't be too happy to discover I was eavesdropping.
Usopp studies the neatly labelled bits and bobs in the pantry until Zoro finishes cleaning up the floor.
"Alright, I'm going to go talk to Nami, did you need me for anything else?" he asks.
"Nah, I'm good."
"Alright, then." the swordsman retrieves his three katana leaning against the counter.
"Hmmm... actually..." the cook drawls.
Zoro looks surprised when Sanji stretches forward and plants a chaste kiss on his lips. "Now I'm good."
He snorts. "Ero-cook."
"You love it." Sanji winks.
Zoro rolls his eyes and exits the room with a blush that reaches the tips of his ears. It is indeed reminiscent of a Christmas tree.
But oh god them being flirty and mushy with each other is just weird.
"Hey, Usopp." Sanji calls out and the sharpshooter nearly knocks over a sack of potatoes in shock.
I'm a dead man if he knows I've been here the whole time!
"If I find one drop of that stuff on any surface of this kitchen you're on dishes for the rest of your life." he threatens.
"Y-Yes! I mean you won't!"
Usopp scrambles out of the galley in fear, wondering why this kind of shit always happens to him.