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The thought alone makes him sick. Sarawat and her. Sarawat and some girl. No. Tine is not jealous. No. Tine does not get jealous. That's a Sarawat thing. He tells himself exactly that but it's difficult when he feels like he's the third wheel in their relationship.
It’s one thing to be upset that Sarawat's been spending less and less time with him and a lot more with Pam, but it’s childish to sulk because Sarawat is sitting and talking to Pam and teaching her how to play the guitar when all this time he thought it was their 'thing'.
Just Sarawat and him.
How many times has he done this before?
He isn’t looking at Sarawat. He's disgusted because he's been tricked into loving him.
At that moment, Sarawat and Pam share a laugh and he hates this thing in his gut that feels a hell of a lot like jealousy.
He’s got no reason to be jealous of Pam. Because he trusts Sarawat but he doesn't not trust Pam. He sees the way she is soft around Sarawat, brightening like a starved flame.
Sarawat moves, and Pam flickers.
Tine wonders if Sarawat knows, if he’s aware of the way Pam looks at. It's familiar to Tine; it's the way Sarawat looks at him. But then again, Sarawat and Pam used to share that, too. Once, it had belonged only to Pam, long before Sarawat met him and became obsessed.
He's been paranoid that perhaps Pam will take his Sarawat away from him, plagued with stomach cramps and heart palpitations for days and days on end with no sign of relief.
Maybe if she goes back to where she came from, he’d be able to breathe again.
"Are you okay? Was it something you ate?" Sarawat had asked the other night as he curled on his side, clutching his stomach as he stared at the wall.
He had only managed to shake his head.
It hurts, now. It hurts still. His heart pains like a physical ailment. It hurts to see them laugh together over something Tine isn’t even understanding, which just makes him feel even more like a useless third wheel - cementing that feeling, actually.
It's at nights like these that Tine chose to cry himself to sleep. His hand over his mouth trying to muffle his whimpers, body curled into a ball. It's when he's by himself that he feels comfortable in breaking down piece by piece.
‘Sarawat will leave you for her’, ‘She's pretty and what are you’ are only a few of the many thoughts running through his head. He couldn’t do anything about them, only to watch on the sidelines as their love sank into his body.
He was nothing.
But no, he's not jealous. Tine doesn't do jealousy.
No.
Sarawat feels around the cold space on the bed, his mind still tired, and he wants to go back to sleep. But Tine isn’t there. His side of the bed is left cold.
He reluctantly get’s up, in search for his boyfriend. His eyes adjusting to the darkness.
“Where are you, Tine?” Sarawat whispers to himself.
He walks out of their bedroom, into the living room, no lights are on, but a faint light shines from the balcony, and Tine's figure is a dark contrast to the sky line.
Sarawat stands in the doorway, observing his boyfriend, Tine is only wearing boxers, and a shirt that’s too large on him, probably Sarawat's, it almost falls off one shoulder.
“You’re going to catch a cold.”
Tine jumps up, turning his head.
“You scared me.”
“Sorry."
Tine looks back towards the city, Sarawat hugs him from behind, his arms wrapping tightly around Tine's waist.
“What’s wrong?”
Sarawat interlaces his hand with one of Tine's. Sarawat knows something has been bothering Tine for days, actually ever since Pam's arrival. But he doesn't know how many more times he could say that she's just a friend for him to get it through his thick skull.
“Nothing.”
He doesn't push it because he doesn't want to fight right now. He wants to sleep.
They stand in silence, just looking at the night sky. The stars shine bright, and the crescent moon is beautifully clear, no clouds in the sky.
“The stars are beautiful,” Tine says, breaking the silence.
Sarawat nods, he leans his head on Tine's shoulder.
“You know what else is beautiful?”
“Sarawat, I swear to God -”
“Me!”
Tine turns his head to look at Sarawat, even in the faint balcony light he can still see the big grin he’s sporting.
He sighs, “You're an idiot.”
“Yeah, but you love me anyway,” Sarawat kisses Tine's cheek.
Tine laughs, “I guess that makes me an idiot too.”
Sarawat turns Tine in his arms so that they’re facing each other, he leans forward so that their foreheads are touching, lovingly gazing into Tine's eyes.
“Let's dance,” he suggests.
“Waaaaat,” Tine complains, “you know I can’t dance.”
Sarawat just wants to make him smile again.
Sarawat pouts, “I can't too, but dancing in the moon light is romantic, and no ones here to judge us.” He sweeps a strand of hair behind Tine's ear.
“Fine, you big sap.”
Sarawat starts guiding Tine around the balcony, softly swaying to the wind.
“There is no place for romance, only a person.”
“You just said the moon made it romantic.”
“Well, the moon is an exception.”
Tine rolls his eyes, “Sure, it is.”
“Let’s get back inside," Sarawat says after a while, “we both have school tomorrow.”
Tine rests his head on Sarawat's shoulder, “I don’t wanna.”
Sarawat lifts him bride style, “time to go to bed.”
They walk through the appartement, Sarawat was just barely able to close the balcony door behind them, and he let’s Tine fall onto the bed, immediately falling on top of him.
“Get off me, you’re heavy.”
Sarawat fakes a snore.
“Waaaaaat.”
“Give me a kiss first.”
Tine kisses Sarawat, quickly retracting when Sarawat tries to kiss back.
“Happy?”
“It’ll do.”
Sarawat rolls off of Tine, he pulls him close, entertaining their fingers, and quickly falling asleep again.
Tine doesn’t fall asleep that quickly, he studies Sarawat's face in the moonlight. He looks so peaceful when he’s asleep.
No. No. No.
It cannot be happening. Sarawat and her. Sarawat and Pam. How could he? He opened up to Sarawat. He gave him his heart. He loved him and now what?
He knows what he saw. He knows what he saw. He's not just paranoid. He knows what he saw.
Sarawat and Pam.
Things are messy and Sarawat's calling out for him now, and he’s not sure where he'll go but he needs to get out, and so, he’s running out of the corridor and down the stairs.
"TINE! TINE! TINE! TINE!!"
Tine realises that he’s at the back of the school, and something seems to crack, his fingers stiffen on the wall edges, and he wobbles to his knees, and for a split second, he’s just a vast whirlpool of hurt and pain and things that are part of his worst nightmares, but he must be imagining things because Sarawat wouldn't.
Maybe he's just drawing conclusions without knowing what really happened. Maybe he's crazy. Maybe it was nothing.
But he gave her half a guitar pick too, like Sarawat gave him.
Sarawat's done this before.
He knows what he saw. He knows what he saw.
The school is quiet at four in the afternoon, the silence pierces by the occasional tweeting of birds, scuffling its claws on the tin roofs, and a stick he just stepped on, snapping it loudly.
Then, he hears it, and can’t help but come to a stop.
It’s a strangled sound, raw, harsh, and pathetic, and it scrapes at something in his chest. It’s not a nice sound, it breaks into a scream, which is quickly muffled, and he has to find this noise to make it stop, because it hurts to hear, so whatever is making it must be hurting worse.
It's him. God, he's the pathetic sound.
He is the source of the noise, which had broken down into a stream of weak sobs and whimpering words that Tine can only imagine are supposed to be some form of feeble comfort.
There's a knock on the wall next to him and he looks at Mil like he's just been caught stealing (Pam stole from him), a deer in the headlights. “Are you alright?” He asks quietly, because the sobbing has fallen to an almost silence, as if Tine had stuffed his hand in his mouth.
“Go away.”
Shit. Now, he feels bad. Mil has always been nice and kind to him. But he doesn't want to apologise, either. He does nothing.
“Tine? Are you okay?” He pauses and there is a hitched breath. Tine is trying to stay quiet. He doesn’t say anything else, and sits down, his back against the wall.
Clenching nausea rides somewhere between his lungs; his heart feels like it's being used for football practice. His teeth grind, frustrated, not helping.
Breathe. No one's dying. Breathe.
The noise rises in pitch and volume again, until Tine wants to crawl out of his skin, and the noise is tearing up his insides painfully. Tine doesn’t move, he just crosses his sneakers under his knees, and waits, and eventually, there is a hand on his shoulder.
There's nothing he can do but be calm, not make a fuss, not disturb anyone, just be grey in a grey world.
Not here, not now. Breathe. Calm. Down.
He’s okay.
Tine grins at him, but it’s a shadow of his usual grin, a cracked mask, too brittle to withstand anything. Mil expects him to make some cutting remark, tell him to go away; he's fine now, but he doesn’t. “You gonna tell everyone about what you saw?”
“Nope.” Mil shoulders his bag, and walks halfway to the ground before pausing. “Want to go somewhere?” He’s not sure why he’s asking; maybe he’s just taking advantage of Tine's vulnerability. He glances back, and sees Tine staring, as if he spoke in an alien language. He fumbles, and tries to come up with something else to say, but he doesn’t get far.
“Yeah.” Tine shrugs and follows him.
"Tine! Tine! Give me a second to explain."
"Please stop! Tine!"
"Tine! Tine! Where are you going with him? You're not getting in that car with him!"
"Watch me."
Sarawat grabs his drink without really looking at it; he downs it like its water and then watches as Tine drags his hands along some woman’s flank.
One week.
One week, they’ve been on their hiatus for one week, and Tine is pretending that he’s not putting on a show for Sarawat. Like Sarawat can't see every moment Tine glances over in his direction just to make sure that he is watching.
Of course he’s watching, why he wouldn’t be.
There’s a mark on Tine’s neck that’s too fresh to be Sarawat’s. He grits his teeth and he stares. Tine won’t use his jealousy against him, not again. Sarawat keeps drinking and Man keeps shooting him worried glances.
“Sarawat, you usually do not drink so much,” Man whispers in his ear. Sarawat shoots his friend a glare and just guzzles another glass of amber liquid.
He's one to talk!
“Can I at least have your keys?”
“Go fuck yourself,” Sarawat growls.
He steps off from his barstool and the room swims for a moment. He shakes off the hand Man places on his shoulder and strolls forward up until he has someone who is plastering themselves drunkenly against him. He’ll see how Tine likes it when the tables are turned.
He looks down to see who exactly is sinking to their knees and trying to open up his jeans. The hair is dark and Sarawat is trying to remember who she is. He remembers a couple of people that are at the party, and then the head turns up towards him and he sees that it’s someone he can't quite remember. She looks just as blitzed as he feels, but he doesn’t stop her. What better way to get back at Tine than to let a girl, who’s exactly his type, suck him off. Sarawat just stares down at her as she happily unzips his pants and then proceeds to throw up between his legs.
One of her hands is clamping down on his thigh as she throws up not only on the floor but on her hair as well. With one jerky movement, Sarawat manages to dislodge her hand and steps over her before she gets anymore on him.
He’s not Tine, he thinks bitterly, he is not kind and nice; he doesn’t have to help her up or to the bathroom or call up a friend for her. So, he leaves her with some glasses wearing idiot who Tine sometimes hangs around. Sarawat barely remembers to zip his pants back up as he stumbles through the crowd. Someone yells his name behind him, but it isn’t Tine and he could give less of a fuck who it is if it isn’t Tine.
As he pushes through the crowds, part of him is sure that girl is going to regret it in the morning, whether it be the drinking or nearly given him ex head. However, Sarawat can’t find it in himself to really give a damn, which really isn’t new. Sarawat pushes through the door and as the cool air wraps around him like a vice he lets out his breath. He’s not sober, but his keys are jingling in his pocket and he wants to see how far he can push it. Just as he’s about to step off the curb the door slams open behind him.
“You are a pathetic human being,” Tine calls out. The sound of his voice sends a shock of pleasure through Sarawat’s core. He rounds on him and just arches a brow.
“Really?” Sarawat asks. Tine entire stance is a concoction of viciousness and rather erotic. Sarawat just wants to push him against a wall and show him exactly what it is to be vicious. He wants to push his forearm against Tine’ pale throat and see how long Tine struggles before he gives in to whatever is between them.
“You’re drunk, aren’t you?” Tine squints, Sarawat just laughs. He tilts his head back and just lets it go.
“It looks like for once you’re the one sober,” Sarawat tells him with a smile.
“So, what is this, your grand plan? You don’t get it do you? I'm done with you.” Tine throws the barb out like it’s supposed to hurt, but they both know it isn’t true. Sarawat is under his skin, just like Tine is under his.
Stalking forward, Sarawat just gives a wide smile as Tine refuses to back down. “Tsk, trying to intimidate me?” Tine tries to sound like he’s unaffected, but Sarawat knows that voice.
“This is me taking one last thing from you,” Sarawat whispers.
The glare he receives sends a thrill through him right before he presses his lips hard against Tine’s. It doesn’t even take a millisecond before Tine is wrapping himself around him, fingers through his hair, and teeth at his lips. It’s not until he licks his way into Tine’s mouth does it seem to shake Tine out of whatever he thought was going on. There is a hand against his pectoral and then he is shoved back. Sarawat’s heels catch at the edge of the curb and he just smirks.
“Oh, sure, you’re done with me,” Sarawat laughs at him. Tine’s face goes red.
“Fuck you, Guntithanon.”
“I would, but apparently that doesn’t agree with you.”
Tine pulls at his shirt and they’re kissing again, except Sarawat knows Tine is trying to make it hurt, his blunt nails are dragging across Sarawat’s skin like he’s trying to make him bleed. Sarawat has to pull away with a laugh. “Do you still not want me?” he asks.
The way Tine turns away from him should be his answer. Tine wants him, but doesn’t want to admit he wants him. An idea forms, just as Sarawat steps back off the curb. Tine’s eyes follow him as he pulls the keys from his pocket.
"So, you fucked her and dumped her." Tine states.
"You're still on about this? I told you, nothing happened with Pam."
"I know what I saw."
"I could say the same for you and Mil. You let him fuck you or you’re just sleeping with anyone that has a pulse?"
“You’re drunk,” Tine states.
“No. I'm not drunk enough,” Sarawat corrects. "I feel like my heart is still crying."
Sometimes he takes a shower so he can't tell if he's crying or not.
The key ring swings to and fro from his thumb and pointer finger. Tine snorts, he shakes his head like he can’t believe a word Sarawat says. It’s a fair enough reaction; they're not one to express their emotions.
“No. You’re lying.”
“Oh, Tine, you don’t know me as well as you think.”
“I know you too well. Get a friend to drive your drunk ass home.”
“Anyone going to be there to drive your alcoholic ass back to your castle, princess?”
Tine rolls his eyes.
“I don't drink as much as you,” he says.
It’s Sarawat’s turn to snort.
They drink just as much.
“No, you don't, but good on you for thinking that maybe, just maybe tonight is the night,” Sarawat snarks. He can feel the venom as it flows through him and the way Tine looks after that comment is like he’s been slapped.
“Get the hell out of here,” Tine snaps. If he could push him away, Sarawat is sure he would be doing just that.
His car is half way across the parking lot and when he’s nearly there, he throws a glance over his shoulder just to make sure Tine hasn’t left yet.
He hasn’t.
He’s still standing outside of the building as if he’s going to watch until Sarawat is out of sight. Perfect. Sarawat slides into his seat and almost immediately revs the engine. One more quick glance at the rearview mirror tells him that Tine is still there, still watching him as he pulls out of the parking spot and starts driving home.
A car whips into the parking lot and the opportunity presents itself to him. He swerves to miss it and the car slams into his back panel. The entire thing jars him and he just sits in his seat breathing all while his body comes up with new areas to feel pain. He pushes open his door and almost immediately Tine crawls into the front seat. Hands are on his face and Tine looks like he’s crying.
“You fucking asshole, you fucking asshole.” He keeps repeating.
Whoever slammed into him is asking if he’s okay, if he’s hurt. Tine goes still and he leans out of the car to yell. “No you moronic idiot! You just hit him because you can’t pay a lick of attention to where you are going!”
Tine gets out of the car first, ranting at the poor kid to pieces. Sarawat is slower to get out of car; his body aches though he’s fairly certain that there isn’t too much lasting damage. Still he places a hand to his ribs and makes the motion of pain.
“I am so sorry! I didn’t mean to! I didn’t see him! I swear!” the kid blabbers out. He sounds like he’s about to cry. Sarawat is almost proud of Tine.
“Why don’t you just leave,” Sarawat suggests.
Tine looks at him like he’s insane. The kid doesn’t have to be told twice before he gets back in his car and limps away. Tine is dragging his hands down Sarawat’s chest and cooing, while still looking at him like he’s lost it.
“Why’d you let him go?” he asks.
“I’m drunk. I just want to go home, not jail.”
“I told you that you were drunk!” Tine yells. He stomps away only to stop and then look at the car.
Sarawat arches a brow. “And I’m taking you home. You have something to drink at your place?”
His brow goes higher. "What do you think?” Tine asks, pulls his own keys from his pockets. “But I think I should be taking you home.”
Sarawat leans down and kisses Tine. He can’t quite believe it worked so well, but there Tine is taking him home and if they don’t get too drunk he’ll probably let him fuck him.
Sarawat moves and his body reminds him inconveniently that he’s been in a crash. Maybe nothing acrobatic. He gets in the passenger seat.
“So, does this mean we’re back together?” he asks.
Tine looks over at him, his face blank for a couple of moments before he reaches over and hits Sarawat. “You did that on purpose!”
“I did not call up that kid just to have him crash into me,” Sarawat states dryly.
“Good, because that would be pathetic.”
“You mean like your attempts at getting me to punch someone for touching what's mine?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Right.”
Tine shoots him a look, one that says he’s not going to continue the conversation before he pulls out of the parking lot. This time there is no kid to plow into them. It doesn’t take long to get to Sarawat's apartment, and Tine makes the comment that he could’ve just walked, damn it.
Sarawat just shrugs his shoulders, though the action makes his body twinge at the motion. Tine shows him no pity as he strolls through the front door and then bounds up the stairs. He slows down by the third flight and basically clings to Sarawat ignoring his pained expressions. “Stop being such a baby, or do you want to go to the hospital?”
“Fuck you,” Sarawat grits out.
“I would love to, really, but if you’re going to grimace at me for holding onto you, I don’t think you can handle a round of good rough make-up sex,” Tine retorts.
“What about a blow job?”
“If you insist on giving me one, I won’t say no.”
Sarawat glares at him. He starts to wonder why he wanted Tine back into his life.
Digging his keys back out of his pocket, he tries not to notice when Tine plasters himself to his back and lays kisses along his shoulders. The door clicks open and they nearly stumble through, but Tine untangles himself and beelines for the refrigerator for a bottled drink. He doesn’t even pull out a glass, and this no longer surprises Sarawat. Instead he grabs the bottle away and takes a swig himself. Tine pouts at him, up until Sarawat gives him back the bottle.
“Tell me, Wat, were you going to crash your car for me regardless?” Tine asks.
Sarawat pulls the bottle out of his hands and presses against him. He finishes the bottle before Tine can, and he's still parched even after. He wants more and he knows Tine won’t say no to more. Sarawat walks into his bedroom and grabs a bottle of juice, that's been there for God knows how long.
Tine reaches his hands out. “Now, tell me, were you?”
Sarawat just looks at him. "You know the answer.”
Tine hums and then saunters towards him. There isn’t a fight as Tine pulls the bottle away from him. He just watches as Tine drinks.
“I think I do.”
“Can I talk to you about what happened?”
Tine doesn’t need any explanation. He knows what he’s talking about.
“Nothing happened with Pam, I promise,” Sarawat says, holding Tine’s hands in his, “She was just sad that I didn’t love her back. I told her the truth that I ... I love you. I know I should’ve told you everything sooner, Tine. Do you believe me? It’s the truth.”
Tine stares at him at little while, sees the genuineness in his eyes and nods in response, “I believe you. And nothing happened with -”
“I know.”
Tine doesn’t have to say it; Sarawat’s always known.
”Is it time that we go to bed?” Tine asks.
Sarawat leans down. He kisses the sugar from Tine’s lips. Tine surges upwards, pressing himself against Sarawat until they’re stumbling back towards his bedroom. Yet, before they fall to bed, something Sarawat is only half looking forward to as his mind tries to remind him what he’ll be looking forward to in the morning, Tine tells him, “I really hate my roommates. I'll just move back in with you.”
“We just got back together,” Sarawat grunts.
“I don’t care,” Tine says flippantly.
“Whatever,” Sarawat agrees.
Tine smiles. They fall to bed.