Work Text:
You've got a million reasons to hesitate
But darling, the future's better than yesterday
I wasted so much time on people that reminded me of you
Gave you a million reasons to walk away
///
The realisation that Eddie is in fact, deeply in love with his best friend strikes him like a speeding firetruck on a serene Sunday morning, when the said best friend waltz through the front door with a wide smile plastered on his face on their day off after a 24 hours shift, just to babysit Christopher so Eddie could go out with Ana for a brunch later before noon.
Eddie had looked forward for this date, especially after a gruesome week so he could wind down a little. He likes Ana very much, had enjoyed her company everytime, but something always tugging at the end of his heartstrings, questioning his every moves with her.
Something alarming.
Something major.
Something big.
Life-changing.
And realising that you're in love with your best friend definitely falls into that exact 'something' that rings all the alarms and bells.
But as he observes Buck navigating around his kitchen with familiar easiness, trying to whip up something for Christopher because he's too tired to stand in line at the diner or cafe, Eddie's ginormous discovery comes into a screeching halt with a question; "why now?"
"You got to do your grocery, man." Buck's comment left his question unanswered, mentally pushing the thought for later deliberation.
"I meant to do it today." Eddie sheepishly tries to justify the lack of edible products in the fridge, which honestly, is almost a barren land.
"Grocery shopping during a date? How domestic." Buck teases, but as someone who has spent whole lot of time with the man, Eddie knows the teasing was strained, lacking of its usual lightness. It blows something akin to hope in Eddie's heart, but he doesn't dare to have much of it.
"No, man. I'll do it after the brunch. Alone." He offers, suddenly discussing about the date is getting overwhelming and he wishes so hard Buck would just drop it.
"Yeah. Okay. Cool." Buck smiles dismissively before turning around, keeping his back turned towards Eddie to cut some apples on the counter, which Eddie knows will be the in shape of rabbits for his son.
The thing is, Eddie knows Buck is still wary with him going out with Ana, especially after he told the blonde that he had introduced Ana to Chris so soon after their two dates (and some video calls). He thought that was Buck going into papa bear mode for Christopher, but now suddenly his worldview is getting clearer, perhaps that is Buck protecting his own heart at the same time, preparing for their dynamic to change once Ana is in the picture.
But Buck knows that nothing will change regardless, right?
Why now?
The question pops up again.
What now?
Eddie is fucked.
///
But I'll build a house out of the mess and all the broken pieces
I'll make up for all of your tears
Eddie is, for the lack of better words, thoroughly and definitely fucked.
He is dressed up to the nine, courtesy of one Buck who had remarked that the maroon brings out the warmth of his eyes and hair, whatever that means, because the comment got him blushing like the colour of his Henley. Which upon closer inspection, similar hue dusted on Buck's cheeks too.
So yeah, Eddie is fucked.
Here is he, getting ready to go out with a wonderful and beautiful woman so he could relax, but now he is anything but.
"Alright, I'm going now." Eddie finally announces to the living room where Buck and Chris are sitting curled up against one another on the couch, getting ready for another episode of the morning cartoon.
"Bye, Dad." Chris offers with a short glance before quickly turns his head again towards the screen. That got Eddie to chuckle before bowing down to kiss the crown of his son's head.
"We'll be here when you return." A promise so simple, yet so heavy to Eddie's ears.
Eddie trusts Buck enough to know that Buck is not only the fun uncle his son enjoys to hang out with, but to know that before lunch, Buck will direct Chris to finish whatever homework he still got left while the man cooks. And that later they will stop by the uncrowded park, away from people, so Chris could get some fresh air.
Did he mentioned that he is fucked?
///
Today Ana is, by definition; gorgeous.
No wonder Eddie was smitten by her on their latest encounter, when he is not biting her head off.
But that's it. Smitten.
His morning epiphany was so great, he missed that Ana is already prepared to order. Should he talk about this before eating, during, or after?
"Hard week?" Ana initiates the conversation flow, seeing Eddie is lost in his own head.
"The worst." Eddie replies, glancing over the menu, but suddenly feels like the talk better be done now so he won't need to suffer through their meals. "I need to tell you something."
Ana's eyebrows shot up in wonder, but keeping her silence as a sign for Eddie to continue.
Well, here goes nothing, and with a deep breath, Eddie immediately blurts out the words before he could have the chance to take it back. "I finally realised that... I'm in love with Buck."
The silence between them is so intense, every scrap and clings of cutleries against ceramics in the cafe echo loudly against his eardrums, in symphony of his thumping heartbeats.
"I'm sorry if you felt that I led you on. I promise, that is never my intention. I'm just...this feeling...just..."
"Unearthed?" Ana offers after seeing Eddie's struggle to find the word.
"Yeah." Eddie gulps. "I'm kinda still processing this to be honest. Everything is just... overwhelming."
Why now?
"Why now?" The question falls off Ana's mouth and Eddie will be damned.
Eddie lets out an unexpected chuckle before saying, "honestly, I've been asking the same thing the whole morning now."
He half expected he'll be drenched in the Ana's ice lemon tea by now, considering he just did a dick move, but surprisingly, Ana just smiles in understanding.
"I should have known." Ana starts after the initial awkwardness. "I know Buck is important to Chris, and to you, but I refuse to let myself be jealous of your best friend."
That got Eddie spluttering his water. Ana, jealous?
"What do you mean?" He asks after hastily wipes his mouth and chin.
"I'm not blind nor deaf, Edmundo. Buck is in every story you and Christopher had told me. He must be significant enough to be featured in everything. Frankly speaking, deep down I know I have to fight for a place between you two, but I thought I have an advantage of being a...woman." Ana admits.
"Again, I'm so sorry for putting you through this mess. But I have to admit...I am...not straight. I'm bisexual."
Wow, who has thought Eddie would come out in this setting. And now looking back, does Buck knows? Does any of the 118 know? He might have not explicitly spells it out loud, but he knew he identified as one since military. One does not come out completely straight upon discharged, but Eddie didn't act on it, especially with Shannon and their little baby in picture.
But now...
His little confession got Ana's face to frown in an incomprehensible twist.
And hey, how fucked up you can be in one day, right?
///
I'll give you the best years
I'll give you the best years
Past love, burned out like a cigarette
I promise, darling, you won't regret
The best years
It has been so long since Eddie felt out of breath, not with his daily work out regime, no. But now, running from the cafe towards his truck after the amicable break up between Ana and him, Eddie could feel every breath catching up in his chest. And the drive back home is not better, and in fact, with every miles closing to his address, the thinner the air inside the truck.
It's a little past noon, and like clockwork, he found Chris stuffing himself with Bolognese spaghetti with Buck slurping the meal excitedly beside him, chatting in between chews and swallows.
Eddie stepping on some creaky floorboards that got the duo to look up at him, completely surprised at his unexpected early arrival.
"Dad!" Chris greets happily after swallowing down a mouthful.
"Hey, you're early." Buck rises up from his seat, his face remains cautious as blue eyes scanning Eddie up and down to see if something is wrong.
They've been dancing to the same beat for so long, silently making sure that the other is safe and sound wordlessly.
"Hey, Buddy! You got some sauce on your nose there." Eddie greets back before turning to Buck. "I'm fine." Eddie offers, the answer to the unspoken question.
That got Buck to relax before retreating back to the dining table.
"We got extra, but I'm sure you're stuffed." Buck says, gesturing vaguely towards the pot and pan on the stove.
"Oh, no. I didn't get to eat." Eddie can't help the smile that creeps on his face seeing that Buck got all wide-eyed, his eyebrows shooting up to his hairlines in silent query. What happened?
"I'll help myself. You just continue eating." Eddie pats Buck's back before stepping towards the stove to plate himself a heaping serving of Buck's pasta, recipe courtesy of Bobby Nash. Despite how he had lost his appetite earlier on, the smell of the sauce enough to awaken his hunger, making Eddie too aware of his grumbling stomach.
Sitting down beside Buck and facing his son who is blessedly oblivious to their silent conversation, Eddie finally comes to full circle.
It's Buck. It has always been Buck.
No matter what or when, it has always been Buck that Eddie is in love with. Not just today. Not just this morning. It has been building up since the day Buck offered to drive him to Chris' school after the earthquake. Built up even more after Buck negotiated with Bobby to let Chris stopped by the firehouse and when he had introduced Carla which has been nothing but a tremendous help. And the love just grow when Buck came out with the idea for the skateboard. And when Buck cook Chris' favourite. And read the bed time story with precised voice over.
It's the little things. It was love since the beginning. Eddie just didn't know what was it yet, until this morning.
I wanna hold your hair when you drink too much
And carry you home when you cannot stand up
You did all these things for me when I was half a man for you
I wanna hold your hand while we're growing up
///
But I'll build a house out of the mess and all the broken pieces
I'll make up for all of your tears
"So you didn't get the grocery?" Buck breaches the easy silence blanketing the kitchen as he clears up the table after their lunch. Chris is already in his room, having one reading log left to do for homework.
Eddie looks up from the sink and have the audacity to smile sheepishly. "Yeah, totally forgot about that. Kinda have something urgent came up in the way."
Buck scoffs. "What kind of urgency? Wolfing down pasta? Speaking of which, didn't you went out for brunch with Ana? Yet you didn't eat anything? Was the cafe that bad?" Buck trails off, suddenly remembers the untouched topic since Eddie came home much earlier than expected.
Eddie inhales deeply. It's time to unfuck the fucked up.
"Yeah. Something that is more urgent than eating my fair share of those scrumptious pasta." Eddie smiles mischievously. He then turns off the tap before toweling down his hands and steps closer the blonde whose eyes now piques in curiosity.
"The urgency of my feeling realisation." Eddie's voice soft as he confesses.
Buck visibly gulps before licking his cherry-red lips. "What do you mean?" He whispers huskily, eyes suddenly cautious and guarded.
"That I finally realised, I'm in love with you, Buck." Despite the initial panic, the confession slides easily from his mouth, and Eddie could pat on his own back for the job well done, for not fucking up the flow.
"If you have me, that is." Eddie quickly adds, suddenly remembers that they are both men and maybe he had been reading wrongly at the sign. That maybe Buck doesn't feel that way nor very much into men. Or even if Buck is into men, perhaps Eddie has given so many reasons for Buck to move on, to walk away, that Buck is no longer interested with him? What if he is still thoroughly and utterly fucked?
"Eddie!"
He jolts at hearing his name being shouted.
"I lost you for a bit there." Buck chuckles.
Eddie could feel the heat creeping up his cheeks. "Sorry. Just playing the worst outcome out of this ungodly love confession in my head."
His explanation got Buck's face scrunched up in confusion.
"Why? I've said yes, didn't I?" Now Buck almost looks crestfallen.
Crap.
Eddie totally missed Buck's reply?!
"Yes? You'd have me, yes?"
"Yeah."
The invisible weight that has been crushing on his shoulders all day long suddenly has been lifted.
"I'm sorry. I was so afraid with the possibility that my feeling might not be reciprocated." Eddie says guiltily.
"Eddie Diaz, I'm in love with you too. There." Buck says with a glint in his eyes. "I'll say it over and over again if you want me to."
"I'd like that."
I'll give you the best years
I'll give you the best years
Past love, burned out like a cigarette
I promise, darling, you won't regret
The best years
I'll give you the best years