Work Text:
No one’s luck is this bad, Itachi thought slightly desperately, not even mine. He cleared his throat, and addressed the lecturer. ‘I’m sorry, could you repeat that?’
Kakashi’s eyes crinkled; he was definitely smiling under the mask. ‘Gladly! Itachi, Hidan, Deidara, you’re a group.’
Being grouped with one of them would've been bad enough; both, and Itachi was beginning to believe that Kakashi had a personal vendetta against him, although what he could've done to deserve this, he had no idea. Hidan was completely insane, and rumoured to be involved with some kind of sinister cult; and Deidara was irritating, pretentious, obsessed with what he called 'art' (and what other people called 'destruction of property'), and, worse still, had loathed Itachi since their first year. And while this assignment wouldn’t count towards their final grade, and Kakashi had told them to ‘have fun with it!’, that meant nothing. Itachi was a chronic overachiever with a near-perfect academic record; it would be difficult to maintain that in the face of 1) only having two days to put the presentation together (thanks Kakashi) and 2) his team being made up of people who were too divorced from reality to do their parts well, and too fanatical to hand complete control over to Itachi (THANKS KAKASHI).
And now they were advancing on him from both sides.
‘Okay, Uchiha,’ Deidara announced to the entire room, tossing his backpack onto a chair with such force it fell over backwards, ‘you have to take this seriously, yeah.’
Itachi felt vaguely insulted; was Deidara, of all people, in any position to tell anyone to take anything seriously?
‘Fuck yeah!’ Hidan interjected, and attempted to squeeze onto the same chair as Deidara. ‘What we doing then, lads?'
At the mention of their presentation, Deidara stopped trying to forcibly eject Hidan from his seat and leant forwards, eyes gleaming. ‘Ok, we’re gonna blow their minds.'
Oh no.
‘So I've been reading,' Deidara continued. 'The Unreality of Time. Time is defined by change, yeah? Every event is, at some point, future, present, past. But how can an event be all three at once, and successive? It can't! Time – is - a - scam. And what better way to demonstrate that than by -' Itachi could guess where this was going, ‘making things explode!’
This was exactly what Itachi had been afraid of.
Hidan, unfortunately, looked thrilled. ‘You fucking genius!'
Both looked expectantly at Itachi, whose wistful gaze drifted to his friend Kisame and his (fairly) normal group of Konan and Sasori. He turned to Hidan. 'I thought you'd be more interested in something along the lines of religion, or ethics.'
'I did read an article...' Hidan began.
'Yes?'
'It was called 'What's the Big Deal with Homicide?' Really resonated with me...'
I was a fool to expect anything else, Itachi thought despondently. 'I see... What about focusing on identity? I think that could be artistic if -’
Deidara cut him off. ‘Look, Uchiha,’ he hissed, ‘I know what you’re trying to do here.’
Itachi arched an eyebrow. ‘Then please, enlighten me, because I have no idea.’
‘I think you do, yeah!’ Deidara ranted, rising from his seat. People were starting to stare. ‘You think that because of your rich family, and your perfect grades, and your sexy voice, you can just waltz into my group -’
‘You wanna repeat that last one?' Hidan said, grinning. 'Did I hear something about Itachi’s sexy voice?’
'Go fuck yourself, Hidan -'
Itachi took that as his cue to immediately tune out of the conversation, only to snap to alarmed attention when he heard, ‘So, we’ll meet at The Blunt Kunai tomorrow evening?’
That was a bar; Itachi’s cousin, Shisui, went there often enough for him to recognise the name. ‘The Blunt Kunai?’ he asked, hoping he’d misheard Deidara, but aware he probably hadn’t. ‘Isn’t that a bar?’
‘Yeah,’ Deidara said defiantly, crossing his arms and staring down at Itachi.
Hidan chimed in. ‘Great idea.’
Itachi usually considered himself a pacifist, but had the momentary urge to put his compulsory Uchiha judo training to good use and sweep Hidan’s legs out from under him.
Itachi looked at his watch: 20:18. They’d only been in the Blunt Kunai for five minutes and everything was already spiralling into chaos.
‘Okay, bitches, let’s get this party started!’ Hidan said. ‘First round’s on me!’
Deidara whooped.
‘Is this wise?’ Itachi cut in, very much implying it was not. ‘Can’t this wait until after we’ve done some work?’
Deidara looked Itachi dead in the eye. ‘Hidan, get me a pint of whatever you’re having.’
20:31 –
‘Your round, mate!’ Hidan said, slapping Deidara on the back, who dutifully got up and headed in the direction of the bar.
‘What are you doing?’ Itachi hissed, gesturing to Deidara, who was talking to an arcade machine. ‘He’s in no state to get anything done!’
‘Calm your tits, Uchiha,’ Hidan replied breezily. ‘He’s only had as much as I have, and I’m fine!’
Yes, that was technically true, but Hidan was a good few inches taller than Deidara, not to mention that Deidara was apparently a complete lightweight. Itachi rarely drank alcohol, and he was pretty sure even he wouldn’t be absolutely fucking gone on two pints.
21:04 -
‘Hey, Itachi, hey,’ Deidara said. ‘Hand me your laptop, I’ve just had this wavy idea for our presentation.’
Itachi had his reservations – he had a sudden horrible vision of Deidara hurling his laptop at a wall, or something similar – but against his better judgement, pushed it across the table. To his surprise, Deidara actually started typing.
Hidan elbowed Itachi. ‘See? We’re having a blast, and getting shit done. Chill the fuck out!’
And Itachi did permit himself to relax a little. Until he caught sight of a familiar face at the bar: pale, dark-haired, dressed in all black. My mother’s here. Why is my mother here? Then he saw Kushina Uzumaki - whose son was now dating Itachi's younger brother - and his classmate Hana Inuzuka’s mother, Tsume. My mum’s on a night out with her friends. Perfect. He should’ve gone further away from home for uni. He’d had offers from Suna, from Kumo, from Iwa… but he’d stayed in Konoha. You’d think a so-called genius would have better judgement, he lamented.
21:15 -
Deidara handed Itachi’s laptop back to him. Itachi’s brow furrowed as he peered at the screen. ‘Wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy, grab my glasses, I’m out the door, I’m going to hit this city… Deidara, what is this?’
Deidara grinned. ‘It’s philosophy, baby!’ he slurred. ‘I’m on another level!’
Hidan laughed, and high-fived him. ‘You really are! Oh, Jashin, this is the best fucking thing I’ve done all year. I’m gonna get us another round.’
Itachi sent Deidara’s strange poetry to his brother, asking what it was. Sasuke’s response came back quickly: Is this a joke
No, Sasuke, it’s not. Although Deidara and Hidan seem to find it hilarious.
Why r u with those dickheads
Not by choice, I assure you.
Sounds fake but ok
It’s song lyrics – tik tok by kesha
Can’t believe u don’t know it
I see.
Thank you.
Exasperated, Itachi put his phone down. ‘Can we just -’ He recoiled at a sudden flash of light.
‘Gottem!’ Deidara cackled, and shoved his phone into Itachi’s face.
On the screen was… the worst picture of himself Itachi had ever seen, and that took talent; Uchihas were notably photogenic. ‘Why don’t you just – give me that.' Deidara jerked away, clutching his phone to his chest and muttering protectively, and Itachi gave up.
When Hidan returned to the table, he peered over Deidara’s shoulder and snorted. ‘Nice one.’
Itachi ignored him.
Then: ‘Itachi? Is that you?’
No.
‘Sasuke?’ Deidara asked, glaring at Itachi's mother. ‘Why are you here, yeah?’
Contrary to how the real Sasuke would have reacted, she seemed to find this highly amusing, as did Kushina and Tsume. ‘No, I’m Mikoto, Itachi and Sasuke’s mother.’ She smiled at Deidara and Hidan, probably just delighted, Itachi thought bitterly, that her reserved older son had made more friends. Then her eyes fell to Deidara’s phone on the table, and, disconcertingly, her smile grew. Itachi followed her gaze, and saw – to his confusion – Deidara’s lock screen was now the awful picture taken about a minute prior.
21:43 -
Shockingly, Itachi had decided he preferred drunk Deidara – who was now asleep - to drunk Hidan.
‘Get the fuck off me!’ Hidan growled, trying to break out of Itachi’s grip. ‘He has to pay for what he said about Lord Jashin!’
‘Can you sit down?’ Itachi said lowly. ‘They’ll kick us out if you don’t stop shouting.’
‘You think I care about that, when this fat fuck is just out here blaspheming?’
Kakuzu – Hidan’s flatmate, who'd shown up at the worst time – sneered. ‘Yeah, because selling that crap you keep in the fridge is blasphemy.’
‘Do you know how fucking hard it is to find fresh blood?’ Hidan screamed, and now everyone in the room was looking at them. ‘I’m gonna fuck you up -’
The next morning, Itachi awoke to a number of text messages.
Shisui
Heard you got kicked out of the BK – it’s always the quiet ones you have to watch out for! XD
Sasuke
Replying to: Not by choice, I assure you.
So this was a fucking lie – mum told me the annoying (non-naruto) blonde has a picture of u as his phone background
explain.
Deidara
wtf uchiha
[Message deleted.]
what kind of sick mind games r u playing????
Itachi replied: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Deidara
oh really????
then WHY did i wake up this morning to a picture of u as my fucking lock screen huh
ur trying to infiltrate my private life
make me go crazy
to throw me off
so u can upstage me in our presentation????
WELL I’M ONTO YOU
Replying to: make me go crazy
Don’t think you need my help with that.
Replying to: so u can upstage me in our presentation????
... We’re in the same group.
The reply was instantaneous: that means NOTHING!!!
What world was Deidara living in? Itachi decided it would be too much effort to find out; instead, he put his phone to one side and worked furiously on a script about the Ship of Theseus; he was not going to stand up in front of all his peers and let Deidara wreak havoc, or allow Hidan to talk about why murder was morally correct. And with any luck, they would both be too hungover to protest Itachi's coup d'état.
It was only when he was outside the lecture theatre, and heard a familiar enraged cry of 'UCHIHA!', followed by Hidan's maniacal laughter, that he realised he’d never actually gotten round to telling Deidara, 'for some inexplicable reason, YOU chose that picture to look at every time you close your phone, not ME'. He sighed, and psychologically steeled himself for the chaos that was to come.