Chapter Text
Of course, it had been the most likely outcome.
Soren watched from a balcony of the palace as Ike and Elincia came out onto the alcove high above. He was leading her by the hand. It shouldn’t have been so painful, but Soren felt the blow against his soul, like a lead weight swinging into his gut. He looked on, deaf to Elincia’s address to the nation, blind to all but Ike, who was now standing to one side of Elincia like a gallant knight. He looked pleased, proud, a little tired but happy. He was watching Elincia. Soren felt his heart shatter in a way that was very physical, sharp and painful as if it were an actual wound.
Ridiculous.
He had Ike’s support, he thought. As long as he was allowed to stay by Ike’s side, he should be content. Was he really so selfish that he had to have his cake and eat it, too? Ike’s kindness didn’t entitle Soren to anything more than friendly affection. So, why was he so shocked at this? Why did it hurt as much as it did? Soren turned away from the balcony, from the adoring crowds and Ike and Elincia.
He would remain by Ike’s side, no matter what.
>>><<<
The weeks in Melior passed in a blur. Ike was often away, attending meetings with Crimea’s military leaders and nobles, accompanying Elincia to some of her conferences on restructuring the country. The rest of the mercenaries spent their time at leisure. They spent their sumptuous pay, or talked about what they would spend it on once they returned - IF they returned - to the old fort. They talked of the future. Soren remained by himself, sequestered in the library or in his room, ignoring everyone else.
Soren’s favorite place to hide was in the library at the palace. It was quiet, and dark but for the lanterns provided for reading. With all hands busy repairing the castle and tending to matters of state, Soren was usually the only person there. He sat in a window overlooking the gardens, stacks of books surrounding him, shielding him from reality. He buried himself in research, making note of anything that might prove useful to Ike – as a lord, he was now expected to participate in the political scene. Soren would help him, just as he always had. Nothing would change.
Soren didn’t realize that Ike had found his hiding place until one day, when he dropped down on the floor in front of Soren, letting his red velvet cloak pool around him. Soren gave a small start and looked up from his book. Ike offered him a wan smile, which Soren couldn’t return. It was rare for Ike to be alone with him nowadays, except when he came to Soren's room at night, seeking a quieter place to sleep. Then Soren would allow him in, make sure he had everything he needed, and escape to the library. Being around Ike was terribly painful, and being alone with him was agony. Soren was terrified that he might say something foolish; and the last thing he wanted was to shatter Ike's newfound happiness with his own selfish problems.
“Didn’t mean to disturb you,” Ike said, drawing Soren out of his own thoughts. “Go on.”
Soren closed the book and set it on the windowsill next to him. Ike was very close; if he shifted just so, he would be leaning against Soren’s leg. Soren ignored that fact. “Do you need something?” he asked. His voice rang hollowly in the stillness of the library.
“Not really,” Ike said. “Just wanted to get away for a while.”
“Mm.” Already, Soren was inwardly berating himself. He was supposed to be Ike’s friend, and yet he was acting selfishly. How could he treat Ike this way, when Ike had only ever been kind to him? “Do you want to talk about it?” he added, hoping that his tone sounded warmer than it did to his own ears.
“Not really much to talk about,” Ike said with a shrug. His broad shoulder brushed against Soren’s leg, and the sage nearly jumped. “It’s just a lot, you know? When there’s not a meeting, there’s a party. Everyone’s always coming to me for advice…” A slight chuckle shook his shoulders, once again bringing him closer to Soren. “I guess I kinda know how it feels to be you.”
Soren was still a little distracted by the sudden contact. “What?”
“Well, everyone thinks I’m some great leader now… It just reminds me of how I’m always looking to you for advice.” Ike’s half-smile dropped, his eyes still boring into Soren's. "Anyway, I'd been wondering where you kept getting off to. Are you avoiding me?"
"No," Soren said immediately, biting back the sting of guilt. "I'm just very busy. I want to take this opportunity to learn all I can from this place."
"You're always so practical," Ike said, and Soren wasn't sure that it was an admonition. "But, that's a good thing. I need you for that."
He couldn’t bear this. The easy way they had about each other, the casual drape of Ike’s body on the floor, were too much. When his eyes began to sting at the edges, Soren stood, forgetting his stack of books on the windowsill. “I’m sorry, Ike. I have somewhere to be right now.” His voice was tight and restrained.
He hated himself for retreating. He hated himself more with every step that he took away from Ike, and he hated himself even more when Ike called out to him, “Wait!”
Soren stopped, but he couldn’t look back.
“Sorry. I know you’re probably busy.” Ike’s tone was heavy with disappointment. “I’ll let you go, but I wanted to ask you if you’re going to the ball tonight. I haven’t seen you at the others so far.”
“No,” Soren said immediately, glancing back, and he wished he hadn’t. Ike’s shoulders dropped just a bit.
“I wish you’d come,” he said. “I’ve had to go every time, and I never have anyone to talk to. Elincia’s busy with the nobles, and Mist has decided that she likes dancing, and Boyd…”
Of course, Soren thought, Ike would want a backup friend in case his girlfriend wasn’t available. His throat seized with hot shame; it was his duty to remain by Ike’s side, no matter what. “If you want me to be there, then I’ll be there,” he said.
Ike looked up at him again. “I don’t mean to force you,” he said. “But if you came, just once, then we could… Uh, I’d really be grateful.”
Soren nodded. “Of course, Ike.”
>>><<<
He had been gifted a set of fine robes on the eve of the first ball. One was an elegant emerald green with gold embroidery forming a geometric diamond pattern on the sleeves and hem. He chose this over the white one, which was far too vibrant for his current mood. It was only for Ike’s sake that he was going, and he would swallow his feelings all the while. He had to be better. He had to do better.
In the past few weeks, the loss of Ike – the loss of hope that Ike might feel anything special for him – had not become easier to bear. Rather, he felt numb, as if his emotions had been buried under a sheet of ice. The ache still flared in his chest now and then, but he was often able to force it aside. He felt that leaden weight in his heart as he stepped out of his room to find Ike waiting for him.
“Ready?” Ike was wearing a dashing ensemble, all red and blue and gold. His cape was heavy velvet, lined in a blue that matched his eyes. It didn’t suit him one bit, but Soren had no doubt that Elincia would appreciate the effort to which Ike had gone. He was obviously dressed to impress, with even the laces of his boots in pristine order.
Wordlessly, Soren followed Ike, keeping a respectable distance from him and walking slightly behind. He was focused on his own breaths when Ike said, “Sorry for asking you to do this. You don’t look so well… Are you sure you’re up for it?”
“Yes, Ike.” His voice was flat. He couldn’t mange to make it any less so.
Ike stopped, halting Soren in his tracks, and turned to look at him. His deep blue eyes were shaded with concern, and Soren felt guilt pile onto guilt as Ike said, “I never see you at meals, and Titania says you haven’t been sleeping again. If this is too much for you, then…”
Soren forced himself to smile. It warmed his heart that Ike still cared, despite the pain that also came with that revelation. “Really, I’m fine. I just don’t feel at ease here. That’s all.”
The commander seemed relieved to hear this. The tension in his face left as he resumed walking down the corridor. “To be honest, I don’t, either. I’m glad that at least you understand.”
The noise of the ballroom reached them long before they could see the wide double doors. People were talking and laughing in a subdued way that created a low, murmuring hum. The tap-tap-tap of gilt-tipped boots and soft silk slippers mingled with the voices, lending a disorienting element to the atmosphere. It was a sound that affected the other senses; already Soren was feeling lightheaded. When the entryway came into view, it was adorned with festive flower garlands and tiny magical lights. The holidays were far away, and yet the nobles couldn’t resist celebrating. Soren froze when Elincia appeared in a brilliant white ballgown, greeting everyone who passed by with a joyful smile.
“My Lord Ike!” she said as soon as she caught sight of them. “And Soren. How nice to see you both.”
Soren had no intention of sticking around for this. Even though they were in public and Elincia couldn’t embrace her hero as she probably wanted, her eyes were dancing and her entire body seemed to lean towards Ike, as if she saw nobody else in the world. The sage slipped through the crowd and, before Ike could notice that he was gone, entered the ballroom.
Ike didn’t need him right now. Later, when Elincia was schmoozing with the crowd, Ike would probably seek him out for temporary companionship. Soren tried to make himself feel good about this – that Ike still wanted him around, that he still needed him. But it was a heavy thought. He edged along the wall and tried to make himself as small as possible, until Ike wanted his company.
Unfortunately, the other guests had no intention of letting him slip past unnoticed. “Could that be Master Soren?” someone said, and Soren looked up to find a tall beorc noble striding towards him. He had to bite his tongue to resist curling into himself. “Why, I believe you are! My name is Duke Fernard Clearwater, of Crimea’s lovely Viven Region. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance!”
Soren took the man’s offered hand and shook it, withdrawing as soon as he could without seeming overly rude. As he said nothing, the duke spoke again. “I have heard all about the brilliant tactics that drove our enemies back across the border. Have you time to discuss some of them?”
“Ah, no, I’m waiting for… a friend,” Soren said, subtly creeping sideways. “It was… good to meet you.”
“Well, some other time, then,” the duke said, taking his leave to go chat with another opulently dressed noble.
It was getting harder to breathe, so Soren made his way towards one of the open doorways. This led to a balcony. Though it was hardly secluded, with couples and small groups of people milling about, it was much easier to take deep, steadying breaths out in the cool night air.
“Master Tactician!”
Soren cringed. It was another noble – one of Elincia’s courtiers, who had many times tried to engage Soren in conversation. For this man, Soren was inclined to allow his prickly nature to show. “What do you want?” he asked.
The man wasn’t even phased. “I had nearly given up hope of seeing you again,” he said, twirling the tip of his graying moustache between two fingers. “With the way you avoid such affairs as these, one might think you were a recluse!”
Soren stared at him stonily, but he continued. “Now, I have had the pleasure of conversing at length with the general, and with your companions. But I have hardly gotten to probe the most brilliant mind that Tellius has ever known. Would you indulge me?” His smile was too solicitous.
“No, I would not,” Soren said curtly, and turned away to look out over the gardens. The repairs were almost complete. Already it was a place of beauty once more, the scars of battle almost completely erased. Only a few shrubs and saplings remained to be planted again. There were fewer trees now, and some of the flowerbeds had been moved, but if Soren hadn’t seen it before, he might not have known that a battle ever took place on these grounds.
“My, aren’t you pretty?”
This third intrusion came as an utter shock. At first, Soren didn’t realize that he was the one being addressed, until someone came to stand beside him. He looked over to see a man dressed somewhat more plainly than his peers, with a simple but elegant suit and a gold cape pinned over one shoulder. He was smiling at Soren solicitously, as the others had, but he spoke in a low tone that discouraged intrusion from anyone else. “Who might you be? Are you here with your family?”
Soren bit the inside of his cheek. “No, I’m here on invitation from the general,” he said.
“Truly?” The man shifted closer, and Soren moved back. The man paused and raised his hands placatingly. “Oh, forgive me,” he said. “I was simply struck by your beauty. I couldn’t help trying to get a bit of a closer look.”
In all his life, Soren had received many kinds of attention – usually negative. But unsolicited flirting was entirely new to him. He blinked at the man, lost for once on what to say. The stranger seemed to anticipate this; he stepped closer again. “You seem so young to be here unaccompanied. Who is your father? He ought not to let his son wander alone. I might escort you…”
“Is everything alright, Soren?”
It was Ike. Ike was there, and Soren could only feel relieved as the man backed off.
“Why, General. I wasn’t sure if you would attend tonight,” the man said.
“Yeah, I came,” Ike said bluntly. “What do you want with Soren?”
“Soren?” The man looked to Soren again, one eyebrow arched. “You wouldn’t be the tactician who won us the war?”
“That’s right,” Soren said.
There was a new look in his eyes now. “I took you for a boy,” he said. “Forgive me. If I had known—”
“It’s fine,” Soren said dismissively, turning to Ike. “Ike, did you need something from me?”
Ike was still staring hard at the man. “Let’s go for a walk,” he said, his gaze lingering on the retreating noble even as he led Soren along the balcony.
There was a short flight of steps leading down from the side of the balcony. They descended into the gardens, where a few nobles were standing around and talking. Ike led Soren past them, returning greetings with only the briefest of formalities, his step determined as Soren hadn’t seen it since that last battle with Ashnard.
“It should be quieter over here,” Ike said as they approached an area of the garden that had yet to be remodeled. A temporary fence had been built of pegs and rope, and Ike stepped easily over it. As Soren followed, he couldn’t help feeling a bit guilty for avoiding the rest of the palace. Tonight, he had gotten a taste of what he’d been dodging; this was the kind of attention that Ike was receiving on a daily basis, and Soren felt that he had failed somehow to shield Ike from it. It was horrible, he thought, to be seen as an object of public use. The nobles who scraped and bowed to them were only concerned with themselves; they each hoped to gain some prestige by associating with the famous hero and his company.
Ike brought him out of his thoughts. “Easier to think out here, huh?” he said.
“Mm. It is.” Soren looked around; they had come to a private area surrounded by saplings still in pots, and stacks of stone lying ready for the masons.
“What was that guy talking to you about?” Ike asked, jerking his head toward the palace.
“Oh, him? He thought I was some nobleman’s son.” Soren fingered the sleeve of his silk robe. “He was probably hoping that he could buy me for the night.”
Ike cringed. “Buy you? He didn’t think…”
“It’s not uncommon for young men to make themselves available to a nobleman,” Soren said, remembering the trysts he had witnessed in shadowed alcoves of the library and in silent corridors tucked away out of sight. “The boy gets showered with presents and contacts, and the man gets his rocks off. It’s an advantageous arrangement, if disturbing.”
“I thought… I mean, aren’t these people mostly married?”
Soren gave a snort. “You’re quite naïve if you think that they remain loyal. It’s common for a nobleman to take a mistress or two.” Briefly, the thought occurred to Soren that he would gladly be Ike’s mistress, if only for a while. He shook his head. Disgusting.
“Huh. I guess we country folk are simpler.” Ike looked up to the stars, sighing into the breeze. “I always believed that once you find the love of your life, you stay with them forever.”
Something pulsed painfully in Soren’s chest. “If only everyone could be as straightforward and loyal as you,” he said.
“Heh. Straightforward…” Ike ran a hand through his hair. “Sometimes, I’m hardly straightforward. Or, it’s more like I don’t always know what to say.”
Soren looked up at this, hearing the tone of disappointment in Ike’s voice. “Ike, you are the most honest person I know,” he said. “Whether you know what to say or not, you always say what you feel. That is more admirable than tact.”
Something seemed off. Soren noted the tension in Ike’s shoulders, the slight twitch of his left eye. “Something’s on your mind?” he pressed, gently, shutting himself down so he could focus on Ike.
“Yeah,” Ike said after a moment. “Yeah, I’ve been… I’ve been thinking a lot.” He turned to look at Soren, and his eyes glinted in the shadows. “Lately, I feel like there’s something I’ve left undone. There’s something else I have to do.”
“What do you mean?”
Ike sat on a crate of gardening supplies, and gestured to Soren, who sat next to him. “I defeated the Black Knight. I defeated Ashnard. But there’s still something I have to do… and it’s probably harder than anything I’ve done before.”
Soren listened patiently, saying nothing, as Ike gathered himself.
“I always think that I’ve done my best to express my feelings to people. I wanted to let everyone know how much they mean to me, in case…” He trailed off, and Soren knew what he wanted to say: In case they died before I could tell them, like my father. “Lately, though, I’ve been thinking that I didn’t really understand my own feelings well enough.”
Soren could see where this was going. His gut clenched horribly. He wanted to escape, but he also wanted to hear Ike out. He would support Ike no matter what. It wasn’t like Ike had anyone else he could talk to; it would be awkward to talk to Mist or Titania, and Boyd would certainly tease him for all this talk of feelings.
But Soren would never ridicule him. Soren would remain no matter what.
“I don’t know much about… romance.”
The vault around Soren’s heart closed once more. He stared ahead, numb.
“I don’t really know anyone who would know,” Ike continued. “It’d be too weird to talk to Mist about it. Titania would also be… awkward. Boyd would laugh at me. Oscar wouldn’t know. Rhys would be too embarrassed…”
Soren swallowed a lump in his throat.
“So, I went to Elincia.”
The ground seemed to drop out from under Soren. “O- oh?” he managed to say. He didn’t want to be here. But here he would remain, for Ike’s sake.
“I asked her about it all… How love works. Romantic love. She told me some things.”
“Did she?” It was getting easier to lock down his feelings now. He felt almost like he was out of his own body.
Ike was looking at him, but Soren couldn’t bear to return the gaze. “I didn’t understand a lot of what she said,” Ike pressed on. “I don’t really get the… ins and outs of it. But I do understand one thing: The way you feel for someone… for that one person you want to spend your life with… It’s different from how you feel about family or friends.”
Soren nodded.
“When I think about losing any of you… it hurts. It hurts a lot. But I can see myself moving on, somehow. Like I moved on from Father’s death.” The pain in Ike’s voice mirrored the pain in Soren’s heart. “There’s only one person who is so… so important to me. I don’t know that I could move on, if…”
The sounds of the night closed in as Ike trailed off. Soren realized only then that Ike was kneeling beside him, no longer sitting, looking directly into his eyes. Finally, he met Ike’s gaze.
“Soren…”
His heart stopped, shuddered, resumed beating.
Ike took Soren’s hand in his own. “During that last battle, when you were hurt… I never realized…” He cleared his throat. “I’m still not really clear on any of this. I don’t know what I’m doing. But I…”
“Ike…”
“I love you,” Ike said in one breath, almost as one word. “For a long time, I knew you were important to me. I never knew why. I don’t know if this is the same kind of love that my father felt for my mother. I don’t know if it’s the same thing they write about in poems. But I know that if I were to lose you, I couldn’t ever recover. I couldn’t ever forget… or move on.” Ike’s gaze never wavered. Soren felt like he was suffocating, drowning.
“I…” Soren could hardly speak. The words stuck on his tongue. “Ike, I…”
“Will you stay with me?”
Finally, the passage was eased. “Yes,” Soren said. “Ike, I always wanted… I would be very happy if I could stay by your side…”
A smile, bright and free. Ike’s hands squeezed Soren’s. “Thank you,” he said.
“No, I…” Soren owed everything to Ike. How could he accept Ike’s thanks? “You don’t think… What about your future?”
“Hopefully, you’ll be there with me,” Ike said.
“Don’t you want a family?”
“I have one,” Ike said determinedly. “Soren, I don’t care how many marriage offers I get. I just want you.”
“Ike…”
They came together then, embracing each other. Soren was trembling, but Ike didn’t comment on it. He held onto him tightly, crushing Soren to his broad chest, giving what Soren needed without being asked. So many doubts swirled in Soren’s head, but they all fled in the presence of Ike’s warmth. They couldn’t fight against the truth of Ike holding him or the sincerity of his words.
“Does this…” Soren muttered against Ike’s neck. “Are we… l- lovers now?”
He could feel Ike’s flush against his forehead. “I guess we are,” Ike said. Soren knew that the gruffness in his voice was only embarrassment and maybe a little uncertainty. “I don’t really care what it’s called. I just want you to stay with me.”
“Always… I always will.”
With warm fingers wrapped in white linen, Ike tilted Soren’s chin up so their faces could meet again. He was smiling slightly. Soren was drawn in, closer, until their lips connected. It was a short, intense burst of electricity that shot straight through him, chasing his breath away once more. Ike didn’t linger, and Soren didn’t come after him, but the smile they shared was like a continuation of the kiss – it was open, honest, intimate and tender.
“So, then,” Ike said with a slight quirk of his lips. “That settles it. Sealed with a kiss, right?”
“Yes…” Soren’s voice trembled like the rest of him as Ike stood and pulled him up with him.
“We already made our appearance… Let’s go.” Ike’s hand remained firmly wrapped around Soren’s.
“You got dressed up like this, only to skip out on the party?”
“Well, I had to, uh…” Ike glanced away then. “I mean, it’s a pretty important moment for… us.”
Soren’s eyebrows shot upward. “You dressed up for me?”
“You agreed to come,” Ike said. “I thought I’d put in a little effort for you. You always look great, so I…”
“Wait, you think I look good?” Soren had to laugh a little at this.
“Yeah. You’re always really well dressed and put together,” Ike said with a little frown. “I figured you wouldn’t want me to look sloppy, especially on a night like this.”
“Ike…” Soren leaned into Ike’s arm, holding onto it, burying his face in thick velvet. He couldn’t stop chuckling. “Ike, this elegant kind of attire doesn’t suit either of us. I prefer the rugged look of a country mercenary… Aesthetically speaking, of course.”
“But you always look so graceful!” Ike protested, his ears turning red.
“Hardly!” Soren looked up at him then, his smile wider than Ike had ever seen it. “I don’t care for opulence. I’m far more comfortable in my torn cotton robes.”
Ike grinned. “I guess we won’t have to worry about arguing about decorating our room, then.”
Soren’s smile faded a little. “Our room?”
“Back at the fort. When we return, I want to… Well, the commander’s room is mine now, so, with you…”
Now it was Soren’s ears that were going a deep crimson. “The others will know, if we bed down together like that.”
“So? Saves us the trouble of telling them,” Ike said with a shrug. “As for tonight, do you want to sleep in my room, or should I sleep in yours?”
This wasn’t an unexpected question. Ever since their arrival in Melior, Ike had sometimes slept in Soren’s room, if mostly to hide from the servants who were always coming to give him some message or other. Now, Soren wondered if that was the only reason. “Mine,” he said.
“OK.”
They strolled once again up to the balcony and through the double doors, into the grand ballroom where nobles were mingling and dancing. Soren thought he could see Elincia twirling around on the dance floor with Geoffrey. She caught Ike’s eye and gave him a wink, which Ike returned with a lopsided grin and a wave. Soren blanched. “She knows?”
“I told you that I went to her for advice.”
“Oh, Goddess…” Soren clung to Ike’s arm as they walked through the crowd, deterring people from speaking to them simply by his embarrassed glare. Something in him – a small part that he was loath to acknowledge, but that was quite insistent nonetheless – reveled in triumph. He had won. Ike had chosen him. The fact that Elincia knew this meant that Soren had effectively staked his claim.
Soren shook his head. “Are you alright?” Ike asked, and Soren nodded, too ashamed of his own mind to speak.
When they found the quiet of the corridors, Soren said, “Was there any particular reason you chose tonight to tell me? I didn’t think you were very romantic.”
“Romantic?” Ike huffed. “I’ve been trying to tell you for weeks! But you’re never around, and when I finally found you in the library, you ran.”
“What- Ike, you could have…” Soren was floored. He stopped walking, his hand still held in Ike’s. “You could have said something. When you’ve stayed in my room, you could have…”
“I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable,” Ike said, as if this were the most obvious thing in the world. “I thought it would be better somewhere public, so you could get away from me if you wanted to.”
“You thought that much about it?”
Ike smirked. “I planned ahead a little. You’re rubbing off on me, I guess.”
Soren held onto Ike’s arm all the way to his room. Of course, he thought, this would be the natural outcome. He had been blind to not see Ike’s affection for him. Had he really doubted Ike so much? Suddenly, all of the small gestures added up. Soren felt his heart swell out of its confines.
When they got to Soren’s room, he paused in the doorway. “Ike… Are you sure you want this? Do you really want me?”
Ike smiled at him and led him inside. “Of course.”