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The first time Hashirama saw Touka was when he was 5, about to head to his first battlefield. She stood out simply because there were few other children in the group and she was the only female in that age range. His curiosity drew him to her, but it was the fire in her eyes that kept him from looking away.
When the battle commenced and fire bloomed across the battlefield from the Uchiha’s katon, he wondered why they were so feared for it. Because the heat from their flames was nothing compared to the burning anger he saw in Touka’s eyes.
Hashirama was distracted. He couldn’t keep his focus on the enemies in front of him. After all, it was Tobi’s first battle, he needed to make sure that his younger brother was safe.
Tobi was fast, but that didn’t matter when you’re fighting multiple adults more than twice your size who were faster and stronger.
He stepped to the left and used his right hand to grab an incoming kunai by the hilt, throwing out 2 shuriken with his left. Following the flow, he turned and then threw back the kunai to its sender. The Uchiha, who looked only a little bit older than him, deflected the two shuriken, but wasn’t fast enough to see the kunai which hit him right on the throat.
But there was no time to catch his breath as he immediately had to jump up to evade the stream of fire that came out from his right. Two additional Uchihas came out from within the flames and tried to engage him simultaneously. One of them had a sword which immediately put him at a disadvantage. However, it seemed that they both didn’t have the sharingan yet, which allowed him to use feint tactics to hold them off.
He allowed the younger one to scratch his left side with the kunai, moving back just a little bit to make the hit non-lethal and when the one with the sword came at him with an overhead swing, thinking to take advantage of his wound, he used shunshin to close the gap and plunge a kunai to her stomach, straining to drag the dagger upward to make a slash against her chest before pulling it out.
“ONEE-SAMA!” He heard the scream from behind him as the girl’s body thumped on the ground. He quickly slipped the sword off the body’s hands, and turned around, using the velocity of his spin to increase the speed and strength of the sword’s movement, estimating the boy’s position from his outburst. He was lucky in that the tip of the blade managed to reach the boy, making a slit on his throat. The boy’s black eyes that were slowly turning red faded back to its original color before his body joined his sister’s on the ground.
When it didn’t seem like anyone else was coming after him, he went back to looking for Tobi. His brother’s white hair was like a shining beacon in the battlefield and it seemed that he was holding up fine on his own. His relief was so profound that he didn’t notice a shadow coming up from behind him, looking back on the last minute in fear as his body suddenly decided to freeze from the looming spectre of his death.
Just as he squeezed his eye shut, a blur came out and kicked his attacked on the side, tackling the adult and stabbing him twice, once in the chest and another on the head.
“Stop getting distracted or you’ll die!” It was Touka, her brown hair fanning around her face as she faced him. But his savior just gave him a glare, told him to get it together, and then ran off again.
When Hashirama was 9, he was tasked to train his brothers along with some of the younger children in the clan so that they could be battlefield-ready as soon as possible. Much as he hated the thought of them having to fight so young, he’d prefer them being able to fight and live rather than being unprepared and die.
And so he took them to one of the isolated woods just outside the Senju compound. It was a risk, not being within the grounds, but it would help the younger ones connect with their chakra nature. Plus Tobi was here and he could control water like a pro, even at that young age.
Touka had decided to join them to watch over her two cousins. She’d taken over to watching them like a hawk after her aunt and uncle died in the previous skirmish. It was harder to get her time nowadays, she was always worrying after either Haruka or Shinji, especially now that the two had demanded being allowed to fight the Uchiha that took their parents from them. Their conviction brought back to mind a younger Touka, their eyes glowing with the same fierce anger that he saw that day.
And so they spent their time training, with Hashirama showing them how to access their chakra natures and manipulate some earth style jutsus, while Tobi went to the nearby stream with a smaller group to show them some water jutsu. Touka perched up at one of the rocks overlooking the stream as she kept watch. She specialised in genjutsu anyways and those could be taught within the compound. There was no need to waste time on genjutsu out here when they were on a time limit.
The splashes of water and booms of rocks falling were all around them and the younger ones were delighting in discovering the wonders that their chakra can do. Suddenly, one stray earth wall was shattered by an earth bullet, raining chunks of rocks over all the kids. Touka stood up immediately to see if anyone was at risk of being buried by the falling rocks, but was suddenly hit by a stray water jutsu, causing her to tip back from her perch.
Hashirama knew Touka could handle herself. She could waterwalk and backflip off to safety no problem. But all that ran through his head was her slipping backwards off the rock and so he pushed as much of his chakra to the ground, funnelling his intent on saving her onto the earth itself. Instead of the rush of running water that Touka expected, she fell on a soft bed of grass instead, the foliage being suspended by wooden trunks that she was sure wasn’t there before.
From that point forward, everyone in the clan was focused on him, calling his technique the mokuton or “Wood Release”, never mind that he can also grow the leaves and flowers and heal himself with the technique. But he supposed that people would be more interested in how he could use it to skewer his enemies more than how he could protect people.
He became feared for his use of the mokuton in battle. The Uchihas now gave him a wide berth when they figured out that his wood could only be burned by a certain degree of fire, their Goryuka could do it, but it was learned by only a select number of their clan members, leaving him almost always in collision course with the more skilled Uchiha.
This meant, though, that at least two or three of their own had to be near him to prevent him from being taken out in an ambush. Usually, it was just his brothers, but he always preferred it if Touka was with them.
They had asked before, what it was that fueled his mokuton . He had always said that it was his love for the clan and his wish that they would all be safe. What he didn’t say was that whenever he closed his eyes and manipulated his chakra, he would always visualise the wonder in Touka’s brown eyes when she watched him grow a tree for her.
They had just gotten back from their visit to Kawarama’s burial site and he needed time to cool down from his argument with his father. Did Father not care? Why was dying as a shinobi important? Kawarama is DEAD. What did it matter if he died as a shinobi or not? He was never going to see his little brother ever again. He’d never be able to see his brother smile or laugh or even irritate him again.
He was pulled out from his thoughts when he saw brown hair from the corner of his eye. He would recognise that shade of brown anywhere. She was heading out to the main cemetery so Hashirama followed her, curious as to who she could be visiting at this late hour.
When he arrived, he saw her piling up little trinkets onto a small headstone. There were two names written, ‘Senju Haruka’ and ‘Senju Shinji’. He had been so focused on Kawarama that he didn’t even register who else had been killed when they had announced it.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t there. I’ll avenge you both. I promise.” He was about to turn around and leave since this was clearly a very private moment for her when she called him out as she stood up.
“I heard your fight with Butsuma-sama.” Touka started, still staring at the grave. “You really should stop antagonising him. We’re facing enough difficulties without having our leader and his heir be at odds with each other. It would be better for both of you to channel that hatred against our enemies .”
Hashirama didn’t say anything because any rebuttal he could have made would just be met with anger, considering Touka had just lost her two last family members. Instead, he knelt down in front of the grave and used his chakra to grow the brown flowers that the two kids used to pick for Touka, saying that it matched her hair.
When he finished, he turned and was stunned. Touka was looking at the flowers with more emotion than he’d ever seen on her face before. It spoke of love, grief, happiness, regret, resolve, and anger all in one gaze. It was crass and completely inappropriate for the occasion, but at that moment, he wished that he was an Uchiha so he’d have access to their doujutsu . To be able to forever record that expression in his memory.
Time continued to pass and battles were ever constant. The fighting didn’t seem to end. Even though he and Madara spoke about their dreams. He could see that his friend grew more and more skeptical of the possibility.
In all that time, he continued to see Touka here and there. Ever since that time at the cemetery, things were different between them. They had always been casual acquaintances bordering on friends. But now, there was always an undercurrent of something when they would pass each other. A maybe whenever their eyes would meet.
It had saddened him a little when she completely changed her look. Her long hair which used to either be completely tied back or braided behind her was now shorter, part of her hair pulled forward to hide one of her eyes. Then he recalled that her cousins would always call her by poking her left cheek, a memory of when they were babies and Touka had to cart them around. And he understood. They were both growing and changing based on the events around them, even though he wished he could keep a little of his childhood unchanged by the passing of time.
Her new look made her look more fierce and intimidating, matching her growing prowess in battle and her confidence at the negotiating table. People tend to underestimate kunoichi, but Touka was willing to take that assumption and turn it on its head when they least expect it, allowing him or Tobi to then steer the conversation to their benefit.
“TOUKA!” Hashirama screamed as he slammed his hands on the ground, ignoring the stinging in his palms as he pushed as much of his chakra into the earth. All at once, roots and trunks of wood grew over the entire battlefield, gaining the attention of all the fighters. Hashirama didn’t care, all he saw was the sight of her getting impaled by an Uchiha’s sword. He controlled the trees so they circled around Touka, keeping her safe from both allies and foes alike.
At the corner of his eye, he saw Tobirama take advantage of everyone’s lapse in concentration to deal a fatal blow to Madara’s brother, prompting his friend to also rage at the sight. But he didn’t care. Not about his brother, his friend, or that the idea of a village they worked hard on may have been destroyed by Tobi’s actions. All that mattered to him in this instant was the fact that she was injured and that he might lose her just like he’d already lost so many in his life.
“I’m sorry.”
“You’ve said that at least 5 times today. I’m fine, Hashirama. In fact, I should be thanking you. The medic said that if we had waited any longer, I wouldn’t have come back.“
“Don’t say that.”
“What?”
“I don’t want to hear you talk about dying, Touka.”
“Hashirama, we’ve been in war since we were kids. We’ve all accepted the reality that any battle could be our last. I’m sure you’ve thought of it before.”
‘But not you. Never you. I don’t think I can live through that.’ was what he wanted to say but he kept his mouth shut. He knew what she would respond with. To scold him about having hypocritical standards and that she knew how to take care of herself, thank you very much. It still didn’t change the fact that he wanted to build a place that was safe for all of his people, safe for him to finally take a step towards his other dream; one that was just a whisper in his mind when he was a child, slowly taking form as he grew up, and now was one of the things guiding his decisions.
It was time to send another missive to the Uchiha. He’d strong arm his elders if he had to and he was sure Madara would do the same after what happened.
“Be reasonable, Hashirama. She can no longer have children after that wound she received on the battlefield. The Senju name has to continue through you.”
“You think this is a decision that involves you. I’m just giving you the courtesy of knowing before I ask. The only person’s opinion I care for is hers.”
“No.” Hashirama froze, that word ringing in his ears and disbelief running through his frame. He was so sure that she felt the same way. Did he assume too much? Did she just think of him as a friend, a comrade in arms? He was mentally running through all his recollections of their time together when Touka placed a gentle hand on his arm.
“Hashirama, you know that you have a duty to our clan. And you know that I -” Touka could not finish the sentence, her hand slowly retracting as she got lost in her own thoughts.
But Hashirama didn’t want her to leave him, not even mentally. He took her hands and held them gently between his, wanting to convey how much he treasured her even just from his touch. He waited until her gaze completely focused on him before saying anything.
“I’ve told the clan where I stand. I don’t care about us not being able to have children. It doesn’t matter if there won’t be another mokuton user. The village we’re building, the people that will live here, they will be my people; their children will be my children. Touka, you know me. I don’t need anything else if I have you.”
Touka stared back at him and gradually, her hesitant eyes lightened and a small smile formed on her lips. Hashirama felt breathless at the love he saw shining in her eyes. But it was only for a moment, then she dragged her gaze away and slowly pulled her hands from his grasp.
“I’m sorry. But I can’t.” The words were whispered so low that if Hashirama weren’t desperate, he wouldn't have heard it. As it were, he felt those 5 words hit harder than any wound he’d suffered through in the battlefield, the image he held lovingly of the future shattering like glass at his feet.
Touka straightened her shoulders and quickly stood up, as though not wanting to be near him anymore. And Hashirama could do nothing but stare hopelessly as she gave a formal bow and exited the tent.
Hashirama gazed at Touka as she went to grab their communication scrolls, preparing to have them sent to the different clans.
He never got tired of watching her doing even the most mundane things, her poise and movements always so alluring both in and out of battle. He already knew he couldn’t have her. That she herself had rejected his suit. But it still didn’t stop his eyes from following her whenever she came within his line of sight. And it never stopped the itching in his hands to grab her and hold her to him whenever she was within reach.
They had been walking on eggshells with one another after that fateful day, Touka often leaving the conversation or the room as soon as possible when he entered. It also seemed like she roped Tobirama in her plot as his brother would lead him away if he sensed her nearby.
Plus, recently, talks with the Uzumaki clan were starting to bear fruit. His dream, his and Madara's dream, of a peaceful world was slowly becoming a reality. He only needed to make one small sacrifice.
But sometimes, sometimes, when Touka would accidentally meet his eyes and wasn’t fast enough in running from his gaze. When he could capture her attention and, for one still moment, he could see his future in those depths, he was convinced that he'd watch the world burn just to have the chance to take her in his arms.
“You love her.” Those were the first words Mito uttered to him after they were married, when they were left alone by both the Senju and the Uzumaki. She sat on their marriage bed, the picture of a pure, serene bride. But her eyes were stern and sharp.
“Yes, I’m sorry.”
“It doesn’t matter. We’ve only just met and this was a marriage to cement our alliance, not of love. All I ask is for your fidelity. Barring that, at least be discreet.”
Hashirama sputtered through his disbelief at the insinuation he would be unfaithful. Of course he wouldn’t be unfaithful. It would be disrespectful! Both to his wife and to his … to Touka.
Mito sighed. It was a good thing that the rooms were soundproof. She would not want rumors to spread before they even had one day of marriage. But, she thought as she gave a small smile, at least her husband seemed like an honourable one. It was always easier to learn to love good husbands.
“I apologize for my mistake, then, Senju- ah, Hashirama-sama. We may have gotten off on the wrong foot, but I hope we’d be able to move forward as proper companions.”
Hashirama relaxed at her frank statement. She wasn’t angry at finding out his heart was taken. And she wasn’t demanding something he couldn’t give. Yes, it may not be what he wanted and part of his heart will always think about ‘What if’ s. But at least the future would be bearable.
After all, he’s learned to live most of his life with this love. She was still in his life, even if only in the periphery of it, and he will learn to live with that too.
“I’m sorry, Hashirama.”
Those were the last words he heard from her before she left him for good.
To be honest, it hadn’t been a bad life. She had continued on as a kunoichi and then taken on a few apprentices, passing on her genjutsu prowess to even some of the Uchiha, which he did believe helped her come to grips with her bitterness over cousins’ death. It made clear that both sides were only human, out to protect what was near and dear to them, and that death on both sides were horrible. That it wasn’t just an us versus them mentality.
She had even spent time with his children, her being one of their favorite aunts as she and Tobi were the source of hilarious stories about his youth. She wasn’t perfect with them. In fact, she had outright stated that she wouldn’t go near the children until they were at least 3 years old and she had a forthright manner that was jarring for most children.
He still couldn’t believe it sometimes, when he sees her with the citizens and especially when she’s training the children. Those times when he’d lose himself within his mind and imagine that her future was with him, that this was what it would have been like had she taken his hand all those years ago. Then he’d blink and the illusion dissipates like a fog and he’d go about his way, one step closer to accepting his harsh reality.
And so, in her eulogy, he’d spoken about all her achievements, all the good she’d done for the village, interspersed with small anecdotes about her life before Konoha; never showing the depths of his affection for her, unwilling to tarnish their image of her.
When everyone had left and gone home, he stood in front of her grave and grew a tiny sprout that would one day grow into a great tree. The same tree that he grew for her back when they were children.
As he predicted, his love had never waned. And even though his affections for Mito grew, they would never go beyond the realms of partnership, his heart stopping them from having anything more, even after his children were born and raised. The clan had requested for them to think of having more children; but they already had two for duty, aiming for the second one when the first was born a girl. He wasn’t willing to put Mito through having another child with a man she knew would never love her.
So he focused all his energy towards the village, gaining fulfillment in the growth of all the clans coming together under one banner. Seeing his children grow up and married and having the opportunity to spoil little Tsunade. It was more than he had ever hoped for when he was young.
It wasn’t all good. He had to fight his best friend. The alliances amongst the villages were shaky at best and he lost.... Even now, the thought of her still brought pangs in his heart. This must be what they meant when they mentioned love to be all-encompassing. He couldn’t remember a time when he didn’t love her, it was only fitting that these feelings remain with him till his last breath.
And now, finally, he would finally be with her.
Hashirama slowly blinked, getting his bearings. To his side was his brother, but a lot older than what he expected, with his skin cracking here and there, as though not fully alive.
As he listened to the people around him talk and realised that he was re-animated, another one of Tobi's stupid jutsus no doubt. He really needed to stop playing around with chakra.
But then he realised, if people were getting reanimated, then was it possible? His spirits rose as he thought of the probability.
As he helped Naruto (who names their child that?) and his friends defeat Madara (again? really?) and the Juubi, he kept an eye out and even dug his chakra to the ground, trying to get even a sense of her chakra.
In the end, though, he had to accept it, even in this half-life, this short second chance, he wouldn't be able to reach her, wouldn’t have a chance to hold her at least once in his life.