Work Text:
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 07:43 --
TG: hey
TT: Good morning.
TT: You’re up uncharacteristically early.
TT: Sleep well?
TG: uh
TG: not really
TT: I’m sorry to hear that. I keep telling you an infusion of valerian before bedtime works wonders.
TG: nah
TG: im good
TT: ...
TT: Dave, are you quite alright?
TT: Is this perhaps a new conversational fraymotif based on the subversion of audience expectation?
TT: If so, it’s shockingly effective.
TT: I was actually quite looking forward to your colourful eight-line demolition of valerian, herbal remedies, new age medicine, hot drinks, my lifestyle choices in general, and a number of other topics only tangentially related to the point at issue.
TT: The cosmetics industry, for example, or China.
TT: I even threw in an iterative usage of the verb ‘to tell’ in a context of proffered admonishment.
TT: I really don’t know what more you want from me.
TG: jesus
TG: how are you this goddamn chirpy at like quarter to eight in the morning
TG: its like
TG: just how awake do you even have to BE
TT: Ah!
TT: Come quickly, nurse, I think he’s trying to speak.
TG: yeah you better get that nurse over here
TG: tell her to bring the
TG: stethoscope
TG: fuck
TG: i got nothing
TT: Dave, I’m moving from feline enjoyment of an easy kill to something like genuine alarm.
TT: Is everything OK?
TT: Has Terezi kept you up all night?
TG: wait
TG: what
TT: Well, I know how she loves her macabre courtroom dramas.
TT: The ones that last for hours, are weirdly specific about matters of procedural technicality, and always seem to conclude with the ritual dismemberment and/or evisceration of a soft toy.
TT: It wouldn’t surprise me in the least to learn you’d been drafted in as Sub-Assistant Prosexecutioner to the Grand Deathjudicator or some such preposterously bloodthirsty legal fiction.
TT: Forced to string up Smuppets from every door-handle in the flat until Her Tyranny’s thirst for kapok was finally sated.
TT: Sorry.
TT: Reading back, that was Pros-ex, not Pro-sex.
TG: rose goddammit
TG: can you please quit mainlining ginseng root and wheatgrass for one fucking second
TG: resign your membership of the camomile high club
TG: and get the fuck out of the bus
TG: i dont want to go to school today
TT: Oh, you poor thing.
TT: Are you running a temperature?
TT: I’ll make you some chicken soup.
TG: augh fuck
TG: i knew this idea was retarded
TG: figures the one time i actually want to talk like regular humans
TG: youd be the energizer bunny after a second helping of sasscarrots
TG: i aint got the pep for ten rounds with mr miyagi in the wiseass dojo this morning
TG: paint your own fence bitch
TG: peace out
TT: Dave, wait!
TT: Don’t go!
TT: I’m sorry, I had no idea you were trying to be serious.
TT: I was merely trying to land as many hits as I could before you remembered what the lumpy things on the ends of your arms were for.
TT: Of course I’m happy to talk.
TT: I shall, with appropriate solemnity, put the sassbunny back in the box.
TT: Somewhere, John Egbert is smiling, and he doesn’t know why.
TT: Proceed.
TG: oh gog now youre just strapping on your junior psychoanalyst mittens arent you
TG: readying a case full of rorschach cards pre-prepped to look extra specially like pert puppet cock
TG: queuing up a tape of soothing whalesong subliminally adjusted to play DAT RUMP in a terrifying satan voice every thirteen point five seconds
TT: Dave Strider.
TT: I am going to listen with unfeigned interest and concern to whatever it is that is troubling you.
TT: Because I am your friend.
TT: And also technically your sister.
TT: But we haven’t entirely wrestled that last fact under control yet so I’ll let it slide for now.
TG: k well
TG: heres the thing
TG: remember i told you about gc
TG: and how shes kind of awesome
TT: Mm-hmm.
TT: I remember waiting for a punchline that never came.
TT: You said, as I recall, that you ‘would like to get to know her better’.
TG: yeah
TG: well
TG: i did
TG: i mean i do
TG: or something
TT: You kissed her, didn’t you.
TG: no
TG: hell no
TT: Oh.
TG: she kissed me
TT: Ohh.
TG: then i kissed her
TG: then i guess we kinda did that for a while
TG: which was cool
TG: then there was some other stuff
TG: but wow turns out im done talking
TG: for ever
TT: Am I to conclude that your relationship with the lovely if certifiable Miss Pyrope has scooted up a few rungs on its personal echeladder?
TG: oh yeah
TG: pretty much all the way to fucking god tier to be honest
TG: wait shit
TG: i dont mean like
TG: fucking god tier
TT: Adjective placement: it’s not for fucking kids.
TG: dammit i told you rose
TG: i TOLD you about sass
TT: I do apologise.
TT: This whole conversation is, however, intensely ironic.
TG: really
TG: cause i am like ninth dan in irony and im not seeing it
TT: That’s because you’re not in full possession of the facts.
TT: ...
TT: Oh dear.
TT: You know Kanaya came over to visit last night?
TG: oh shit yeah
TG: sorry
TG: howd that go
TG: did you bond over boring old movies and intelligent yet conflicted female singer songwriters who write spiky acoustic ballads about being misunderstood
TG: or did you just say fuck it lets play mario kart
TT: Well.
TT: It turns out that Kanaya and I have a lot of preferences in common.
TG: thats cool
TG: so she has good taste for a chick with horns
TT: ...
TT: You’re doing this on purpose, aren’t you?
TG: what
TG: hang on this isnt the new jersey turnpike
TG: which ways north
TT: I introduced her to some of Earth’s finest cultural exports.
TT: You know.
TT: Melissa Etheridge.
TT: k.d. lang.
TT: Sappho.
TG: jesus christ i am officially being scripted by damon lindelof here
TG: got nothing for company but a polar bear and a big old hatch
TT: I’m saying that my researches into troll anatomy have met with swift progress and dramatic results.
TT: Peer reviews were very positive.
TT: Several times I found myself on the edge of a major breakthrough.
TG: hold on
TT: I can’t wait to be a useless piece of shit all day and count all these pennies.
TG: whoa
TT: Fuck, I’m dropping them down all these stairs.
TG: rose
TG: i cant even believe i am about to type this
TG: but did you have lesbian sex with an alien
TT: Well, that question opens a number of interesting semantic avenues.
TG: rose goddammit
TG: we havent got time for your noam chomsky princeton debate team define your terms bullshit
TG: this is urgent
TG: did you have lesbian sex with an alien y/n
TT: Signs point to ‘yes’.
TG: oh
TG: my
TG: god
TG: ha
TG: hahahahahahaha
TG: this is fucking amazing
TG: you mean this whole time weve been talking
TT: Yes.
TG: jesus christ youre not naked are you
TG: please tell me youre not naked right now
TT: I don’t see what possible relevance that enquiry has to our discussion.
TG: rose put some clothes on
TG: i swear to god i will walk away from this computer right this second
TT: Oh, stop being such a baby.
TT: There.
TT: I’ve put my wrap on.
TG: thank fuck for that
TG: have some concern for basic etiquette woman
TG: what were you raised by animals
TG: i mean even jade wears clothes to chat and she was literally brought up by a dog
TT: We’re getting off-topic.
TG: yeah
TG: and the topic is getting off
TG: heyooooo
TT: I did not smirk at that.
TT: If ever confronted with insinuations to the contrary I will deny everything, and quite probably press charges.
TT: Let’s be serious.
TT: As far as I can see, the crucial point here is that I currently have in my bed a pretty alien girl wearing nothing but an artfully-draped sheet and a blissful smile.
TG: uh
TG: yeah
TG: snap
TT: The question therefore presents itself:
TT: What is our next move?
TG: burn the house down
TG: claim on insurance
TT: Serious faces, Dave!
TT: I mean it.
TT: What are you going to do after [S] Terezi: Wake up?
TG: well i dunno
TG: i hadnt really planned that far ahead tbh
TT: Yes, I know, that’s why I’m asking.
TT: Are you, for example, going to make her a cup of coffee and then usher her out the front door with a vague assertion that you’ll call later?
TG: jesus
TG: no
TG: why would you even say that
TG: rough chuckles rose
TG: i was going to make pancakes
TG: then i thought we could
TG: go to the park
TG: what the holy dribbling assfuck am i typing here
TT: No Dave.
TT: These are feelings.
TT: Let them come.
TG: oh yeah
TG: forgot i was talking to the magical pixie princess of emotional honesty
TG: remind me
TG: what was it happened the last time you went for a romp in the feelings pile
TG: something about dark gods from the furthest ring
TG: suicidal berserker rampages
TG: was that you or some other chick
TT: Doesn’t it embarrass you?
TT: Always turning up to professional fencing matches with a rusted garden spade?
TG: oh haha meant to say
TG: lesbian witch consumed by grimdark forces of vengeance
TG: real fucking original
TG: youre even named after a plant
TT: Dave, these fumbling attempts at prestidigitation are as cute as they are pitiful.
TT: You’re like a trainee conjurer who skipped the week on misdirection.
TT: The audience watches sadly as he tries to jam the ace of spades up his tailcoat sleeve, accidentally dislodging fourteen coloured handkerchiefs and a live dove.
TT: Double-headed nickels rattle and bounce from his pants leg across the stage.
TT: At the back, a small child cries.
TG: stupid punk kid had it coming
TG: guess what sonny santas a fake
TT: We can both see the card you’ve inexpertly palmed, which is that Terezi Pyrope makes you happy.
TG: fuuuuck
TG: could you at least try and phrase it in a way that doesnt make me sound so entirely pathetic
TT: Do you want my advice?
TG: no
TG: alright yes
TT: Go and make her breakfast in bed.
TT: Girls like that.
TT: Then, take her to the park. It’s May, after all. Everything will smell wonderful.
TT: Try not to let her subject any wandering toddlers to due process.
TG: yeah and then
TT: Then hold onto her.
TT: Bleed for her, kill for her, and never let her go.
TG: ...
TG: shit just got real didnt it
TT: The shit’s ontological status is, I fear, no longer in doubt.
TG: ...
TG: well god fucking damn it
TG: when a strider does something
TG: he does it right
TT: That’s exactly the spirit.
TT: Be horribly in love with her.
TT: Anything less would demean you both.
TG: welp
TG: this has been
TG: an incredibly odd conversation
TG: rose
TG: thanks
TT: Please don’t mention it.
TT: Although you may not realise it, you haven’t been the only one deriving reassurance from this little pre-breakfast strategy meeting.
TG: yeah i know
TG: ive got your number lalonde
TG: reaction time is a factor in this so please pay attention
TG: there you were
TG: waiting at your laptop at an ungodly hour of the fucking morning instead of staying all snuggled up and toasty with your alien squeeze
TG: oh no daves going to be weird because it turns out im into girls
TG: since obviously hes some kind of raging homophobic douche
TG: who will gleefully jettison years of friendship for a fifty cent ride on the kneejerk dumbfuckery logflume
TG: and anyway his opinion of me is entirely based on what sort of action im getting atm
TG: hell be all like uh yeah rose uh cool i should probably uh get going
TG: my chatbox will never again know the ironic majesty of his sick scarlet fires
TG: and ill have to jump in a river or something equally melodramatic
TG: also im an idiot
TT: ...
TT: Dave, inside your carefully-maintained chimpanzee suit is another, slightly smarter chimpanzee.
TT: Terezi is a very lucky girl.
TT: Now go and buy some syrup.
TG: kk
TG: peace out
TG: oh wait before i go
TT: Mmm?
TG: bunp
TT: ...
TT: Oh, what the Hell, I daresay we’ve both earned it.
TT: Bunp.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --
* * *BEN. I did never think to marry. I must not seem proud. Happy are they that can hear their detractions and put them to mending. They say the lady is fair: ‘tis a truth, I can bear them witness; and virtuous: ‘tis so, I cannot reprove it; and wise – but for loving me. By my troth, it is no addition to her wit; nor no great argument of her folly, for I will be horribly in love with her. I may perchance have some odd quirks and remnants of wit broken on me because I have railed so long against marriage; but doth not the appetite alter? A man loves the meat in his youth that he cannot endure in his age. Shall quips and sentences and these paper bullets of the brain awe a man from the career of his humour? No! The world must be peopled. When I said I would die a bachelor, I did not think I should live ‘til I were married...
- Much Ado About Nothing, ii.3