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>heads up bro
>another one of those candy striped lollipop princess octopus looking motherfuckers coming in ten o clock high
John spun round to see the Rainbow Squiddle – a name that had acquired universal acceptance despite Karkat’s blistering scorn – descending lazily from the golden sky, its great polyps twitching like hungry cables.
>oh hell!! thanks dave!
>JOHN, HAVE YOU CONSIDERED WEAPONIZING YOUR INCOMPETENCE?
>BASED ON THE FREQUENCY AND EASE WITH WHICH IT STAGGERS ME, I SUSPECT IT MAY BE YOUR MOST LETHAL ASSET.
>YOU COULD BUILD A WHOLE GODDAMN SET OF FRAYMOTIFS AROUND IT.
>FAILMOTIFS.
>’INATTENTION OF THE DOZING TREE WEASEL’
>’NORTH STAR THUNDERFIST FUCKUP’
>SOMEONE GET ME A PEN, THIS COULD BE A THING.
>dude
>not cool
>pen acquisition is my schtick and you know it
>plus i got this
>check it
Dave flung himself into the air, twisted somehow, spun, and landed in a crouch on the grass, halfblade held stiffly in front of him. Iridescent oily fluid dripped from the metal. The Rainbow Squiddle made a noise like a balloon deflating and sagged, losing shape and colour as it drifted downwards until it hit the ground as little more than a huge wet paper bag.
>see k-dogg
>if you put less time into composing your bizarre alien hatesonnets
>you might land some hits once in a while
>as it is i guess ill just keep thrashing out these deliriously sicknasty hit combos all over the goddamn shop
>old guy behind the counters just like what the fuck
>grannies with their baskets stopping to gape
>tins of spaghetti hoops tumble unattended to the floor
>store clerks debate in hushed tones whether to stock me under fresh produce or chilled goods
>jokes on them cause im both
>hells of bizzle to the dizzle
>LISTEN, STRIDER.
>CAN YOU HEAR IT?
>THE FAR-OFF SOUND OF WAVES CRASHING ON SOME BLACK BENIGHTED SHORE?
>IT IS THE OCEAN OF MY HATRED.
>SOON I WILL DRAG YOU DOWN THE SHINGLE BY YOUR STUPID PINK EARS
>PLUNGE YOUR SMUG FUCKING FACE UNDER THE DARK FOAM
>AND HOLD ON UNTIL YOUR IRONIC COOLKID SNEAKERS NO LONGER TWITCH AND SCRABBLE AT THE STONES.
>AND THEN I WILL UNPACK MY HAMPER, SPREAD OUT MY RED AND WHITE CHECK BLANKET ON YOUR SODDEN CORPSE, AND HAVE ONE OF YOUR UNBELIEVABLY RETARDED HUMAN PICNICS.
>CUCUMBER SANDWICHES WILL NEVER HAVE TASTED SO SWEET.
>ALSO STOP PUTTING ZS IN THINGS, IT’S FUCKING RIDICULOUS.
John watched happily. Dave and Karkat tearing chunks out of each other was like Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris in whichever one it was where they ended up in the big Roman arena. It always gave him an urge to go in search of popcorn. He sometimes stepped in if things grew too heated, but generally he was content to listen and admire the sheer foulmouthed ingenuity of their assaults. The first time he’d intervened things had got a bit weird: Karkat had turned a funny colour and said something incoherent about not realising he’d felt that way, and had hurried off to talk to Kanaya. Since then, though, the three of them had fallen quite comfortably into their roles, and oh my god what was that noise.
He turned his back to the squabble just in time to see a huge bulky mass of fur and claws erupt from the distant treeline and hurl itself forward, steam snorting from its distended nostrils. When they’d first encountered one of these, Sollux had compared the experience to ‘getting three cholerbears for the price of one’, an equation which suggested to John that one cholerbear was worth about four angry rhinos in Earth money.
>guys! we’ve got one of those big awful snorting hairy things!
>wow, we really need a name for those.
Dave and Karkat broke off and turned to look, then exchanged glances.
>aw man
>i hate these assholes
>its like
>who even needs that many teeth
>whats the point
>IT’S ALRIGHT STRIDER.
>YOU RUN OFF AND FIND JADE FOR A CUDDLE.
>I WILL HANDLE THIS FUCKING HELLSPAWNED MONSTROSITY ALL BY MYSELF, BECAUSE I AM THE LEADER, AND THAT IS THE KIND OF INCREDIBLE ACT OF SELFLESS HEROISM THAT JUST COMES NATURALLY TO ME.
>nah
>much as id love to see you turned into fine grey douchemist
>kan would probably give me shit
>shed be all Oh Dave Look What You Did
>You Let Karkat Get His Bone Lump Or Whatever Handed To Him On A Silver Convoluted Alien Name For Some Totally Ordinary Thing That Everyone Has
>Now Who Will Do The Washing Up
The ground was beginning to shake, and it was becoming increasingly hard to ignore the bloodcurdling snarls of the charging rhino-bear-thing. John shaded his eyes against Nepeta and looked up at the tower. Terezi was leaning on the railing, her red shades glinting in the evening light, her face unreadable.
>hey!
>terezi’s watching!
>you should totally do the thing.
>fuck off
>no way
>JEGUS NO, EGBERT.
>THERE IS NO WAY THAT IS CONTINUING TO BE A THING THAT HAPPENS.
>but it was awesome last time!!
>and my powers pretty much bounce off these dudes
>they’re too heavy!
>go on, do it, you know she loves it...
The beast was perhaps a hundred metres and closing. John could feel its hot, fetid breath like wind on his face. Dave and Karkat looked at each other again.
>FUCKSAKE.
>JUST THIS ONCE, BECAUSE I’M TOO TIRED TO THINK OF ANYTHING LESS MORONIC.
Sickle and halfblade gleamed as one, and then the air was full of slicing arcs of orange flame, cutting an intricate grid pattern through the space between the monster and the tower. John saw the beast fall, green blood spurting in a high slash from its throat; as the blood spattered down it caught alight and fell like burning rain across the tough hide of the same beast, now alive again two seconds ago, causing it to bray and scream and buck – a move which in turn exposed its soft throat to another sweep of bright metal, whipping more flaming ichor into the face of yet another beast, this one six feet to the left... Just when the whole field seemed to be full of crackling arcs of blood and howling, wounded monsters, the Metabolic Ostinato came to its close, and all that was left was Dave and Karkat, breathing hard, and a single, massive, smoking corpse stretched out on the silver grass.
John didn’t need to look up. He could feel Terezi’s glee on the back of his neck.
>How are the boys?
>Having good innocent fun, I trust?
Terezi drifted back into the room grinning even more widely than usual.
>H3H3H3H3H3
>1T’S PR3TTY 4DOR4BL3
>TH3Y 4LMOST GOT JUMP3D BY ON3 OF TH3 B1G SM3LLY CL4WB34R TH1NGS
>A Wolverhino?
Rose’s eyes blinked open, although her tone did not change.
>1 R34LLY DON’T TH1NK TH4T N4M3 1S GO1NG TO C4TCH ON
>MOSTLY B3C4US3 1T 1S STUP1D
>BUT Y3S
>Is John OK?
Sometimes even Terezi became frustrated by the limitations of blindness. She would never choose to give up her wonderful technicolour world, so full of fascinating synaesthetic shades and scents, but there were some things for which you really needed eyes. One was facial expression. She could tell whether someone was grinning or scowling, as long as she was fairly close, which was fine for John and Karkat, neither of whom had much use for nuance. But the subtler tics – twitches of the eyebrow, flickering glances, little quirks of the mouth – were too small and too fast for her to pick out of the background blur. Spending time with Rose, who traded almost exclusively in this latter currency, was therefore often a challenge. In this instance, however, she knew not even Vision Eightfold would have helped. Rose’s face would be calm, blank, and perfectly immobile. Her hands would be steady on her knees; her posture would not shift a millimetre. With self-control like this, she could have driven whole teams of interrogating Legislacerators to helpless fury. You would have to be a Seer of Mind to hear the tiny tightening in the throat, to feel the air around her shift and grow anxious in ways too small to explain...
>H3’S F1N3, ROS3
>H3 1S TOUGH3R TH4N YOU G1V3 H1M CR3D1T FOR!
>H3 JUST DO3SN’T T4LK 4BOUT 1T 4S MUCH 4S D4V3 4ND CR4BK4T DO
>WH1CH 1S JUST 4S W3LL
>4S 1 4M NOT SUR3 OUR H4PPY L1TTL3 F4M1LY COULD SUPPORT 4 TH1RD 1NSUFF3R4BL3 PR1CK
The smile was tiny, but she felt it happen nonetheless.
>I’m sorry, Terezi. Am I being transparent again?
>I’m out of practice.
>I’ll have to get in on Dave’s next poker game with Sollux.
>Apparent Catastrophic Facial Paralysis 101.
>Perhaps I could borrow your shades, to make up for my disadvantage in the natty eyewear stakes.
>3H3H3H3
>YOU 4R3 L1K3 GL4SS TO M3, L4LOND3
>4 SH1TTY W1Z4RD F1GUR1N3 SPUN FROM TH3 F1N3ST CRYST4L
>TH3 GL34M OF H1S ROB3S C4NNOT CONC34L TH3 VOLUM3 OF T3RR1BL3 F4NF1CT1ON B3H1ND H1M ON TH3 SH3LF
>Exposed!
>Where now shall I hide my shame?
>Dear Terezi, could you spare a little space behind your outsized and strangely smeared chalk rendering of a badly-drawn idiot in a baseball cap falling down some stairs?
>Alas, no, this enormous heap of mutilated soft toys is in the way.
>H4H4H4H4H4H4
>1 W1SH YOU H4D B33N 4 TROLL ON 4LT3RN14, ROS3
>W3 WOULD H4V3 M4D3 SUCH LOV3LY R1V4LS
The cool voice affected a delicate surprise.
>Miss Pyrope!
>Your brazen confession of black desire has caught me entirely unawares.
>I am discreetly flustered by this sudden efflorescence of Stygian longing.
>I must loosen my bodice, and perhaps sip a little mint tea.
>NO NO NO >:P
>DR4G YOUR D3PR4V3D M1ND FROM 1TS CHOK3D SMUTGUTT3R, S33R
>YOU 4R3 WORS3 TH4N TH3 COOLK1D OF BLUH
>Harsh words indeed, Seer.
>Your hate is a strong wine.
>HON3STLY
>HUM4NS
>YOU S33M COMPL3T3LY 1NC4P4BL3 OF 3X4M1N1NG 4 H34LTHY R3L4T1ONSH1P W1THOUT D1V1NG H34DLONG 1NTO QU4DR4NTS!
>T3LL M3 ROS3
>YOU 4R3 FOND OF J4D3
>YOU T4K3 PL34SUR3 1N H3R COMP4NY, 1 H4V3 S33N 1T
>W1TH MY NOS3
>SO WHY H4V3 1 NOT Y3T D3T3CT3D TH3 SLOPP13ST OF G1RL-M4K3OUTS?
>1T 1S T3RR1BLY D1S4PPO1NT1NG!
>P3RH4PS 1 SH4LL WR1T3 SOM3 SORT OF STORY 1N WH1CH TH1S H4PPY 3V3NT OCCURS >:]
>Your point is well taken. I apologise.
>I suppose I’m just still fascinated with the whole concept of black romance.
>I’ve... I’ve never had anyone wax caliginous for me, Terezi.
>No darkling lover’s fingers have ever reached for my alabaster throat.
>My black cherry lingers overlooked on its obsidian bough.
>I keep dreaming that someday my hateprince will come.
>Or hateprincess.
>You wouldn’t leave a poor sweet Earth girl pining, would you?
>H3H3H3H3
>N1C3 TRY
>3R1D4N WOULD PROB4BLY H4V3 C4UGHT F1R3 4ND 3XPLOD3D
>BUT 1 4M 4FR41D 1 L1K3 YOU F4R TOO MUCH TO H4T3 YOU
>Well.
>I suppose I can settle for that.
>Thankyou, Terezi. I’m sorry if I was crass.
>4T L34ST YOU H4V3 M4ST3R3D TH3 B4S1C PR1NC1PL3S OF BL4CKROM
>WH1CH 1S 1MPR3SS1V3 FROM 4 M3MB3R OF 4 SP3C13S SO D1S1NCL1N3D TO 1T
>J4D3 TH1NKS 1T’S ‘4WFUL’
>JOHN D3F1N3D 1T 4S ‘d3rp d3rp so 1t’s l1k3 wh3n you f4ncy som3on3 but som3t1m3s th3y m4k3 you cross??’
>That was very good.
>Instantly recognisable.
>I think it was the ‘derp derp’.
>TH4NKYOU >:D
>4ND D4V3 R3FUS3S TO R3F3R TO 1T 4S 4NYTH1NG OTH3R TH4N ‘H4T3S3X’
>Speak of the Devil.
>They’re back, I think.
>Shall we go and hear some ridiculous war stories?
>YOU GO DOWN
>1 SH4LL FOLLOW 1N 4 MOM3NT
>N3P3T4 H4S 4LMOST S3T
>4ND 1 W4NT TO F33L TH3 MOON ON MY F4C3 >:]
In the courtyard garden, Jade Harley was down on her hands and knees, scooping out holes in the wet soil with a trowel. Every time she dug a new hollow, her companion – an elegant young troll with neat green lips and strikingly pure white skin – threaded in a delicate spidery network of pale root fibers crowned with a bushy grey sprig of leaves, allowing Jade to push the soil back in and tamp it down so that only the little shoot was left showing.
>how many is that??? we must be nearly there! :)
>Sixty-Four
>Eight Rows Of Eight
>Vriska Would Have Approved I Think
>Well Actually
>She Would Probably Have Told Us That Gardening Was A Stupid Pastime For Idi8ts
>But On Some Level
>Albeit One Invisible To The Untrained Eye
>She Would Have Been Pleased
>hehehehe!
>i wish id got to meet her
>she sounds so cool!! <3
>if a little bit scary D:
>You Probably Wouldnt Have Liked Her
>Hardly Anyone Did
>Except Me
>She Was Beautiful And Cruel And Clever And Sweet And Terrible
>I Liked Her A Lot
Jade reached over and put her hand on Kanaya’s where it rested on the ground, white fingers slightly curled, glossy green nails digging into the soft black earth.
>im so sorry, kanaya :( :(
>i know john misses her too, he talks about her all the time!
>he just tries not to mention her when youre around
>i think he doesnt want to make you sad
>and between you and me i think even terezi misses her a bit!!
>That Is Hardly Surprising
>I Have Never Seen Such A Strong Kismesis
>Terezi Should Have Admitted How She Felt
>But Then
>So Should I
>Haha
>oh nooooo kanaya please dont cry!!!
>do you want to go and talk about it in the smuppet pile?
>i am sure dave wont mind!!
>although i wish we had a pile of things that were less awful ._.
>It Is Very Kind Of You To Offer
>But I Will Be Fine
>Besides We Are No Longer Alone
>Look
The main gates swung inwards to reveal three swaggering figures, all obviously trying as hard as possible to look like lonesome drifters headed into town from the badlands. You could practically hear the skittering of tumbleweed and the chimes of high noon echoing in the space between them. Kanaya wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and wondered, not for the first time, whether making them trenchcoats had really been such a good idea.
Seeing them, Jade sprang to her feet, not bothering to brush the loose soil off her knees, and ran to give Dave a hug.
>sup babe
>you kicked mother natures leafy green ass yet
>told her to sit down and shut up
>jade harleys in charge now
>bitch best recognise
>Dave I Am Baffled By Your Persistent Desire To Interpret Gardening As A Form Of Warfare
Kanaya had stood up too, more carefully, and was patting her hands free of dirt.
>This Planet Is Not Our Enemy
>Jade And I Are Not Engaged In Some Desperate Crusade To Subjugate The Indigenous Flora
>well shit kan
>dunno how in the hell you expect to make much progress then
>this aint a herb garden its a goddamn pow camp
>jade lines up the flowering plants by the fence
>makes em kneel down
>fronds on their heads
>you walk along the line
>bam
>bam
>bam
>secateurs to the back of the neck
>they drop without a sound
>dave stop being basically a massive jackass and eat this!!
Jade dug in her apron pocket and produced a small round fruit, the lustrous blue-black of bottled ink, with a tiny silvery stalk protruding from its top. She held it out proudly on a muddy palm. Behind Dave, Karkat and John broke off a discussion about movies to watch with interest.
>wait
>is this another one of your batshit frankenfruits
>like the snozzcumber or whatever it was
>goddamn thing tasted like cheese someone dropped in a pond
>not a good pond either
>oh my god would you just eat it!! DX
>you are literally the most awful person, except maybe karkat!!!
>HEY, HANG ON JUST ONE FUCKING NANOSECOND, PUMPKIN GIRL.
>john its been a pleasure dude
>you get my fetch modus and my swords
>t-z gets my entire collection of shitty unfinished sbahj strips
>shell know what to do
>rose gets my shades
>vantas gets my cold stiff middle finger
>ave caesar
Dave took the little fruit from Jade’s hand, pulled the stalk free, popped the rest in his mouth, and bit down.
There was a brief silence.
>well???
>whoa
>jegus fuck
>what
>what am i even eating here
>shits like
>a motherfucking dance party on my tongue
>but none of that weaksauce jack rabbit slims shit
>more like some kind of classy ball
>a party is announced at fruitington manor plumbury england
>gents in their shiny shoes
>ladies in their
>what the fuck are those things called
>the big puffy skirts
>Crinolines
>crinolines
>maam may i have the pleasure of this dance
>the galumphing raspberry hoedown
>oh mr darcy
>Are We To Conclude From This Vivid Diorama That Your Verdict Is Cautiously Positive
>this is the best goddamn thing ive ever eaten
>so yes
Jade managed to squeal, clap her hands, kiss Dave on the cheek and hug Kanaya all in one fluid movement. Neither Dave nor Kanaya looked entirely displeased.
>yes!!!
>i knew we could do it <3 <3 <3
>this is so great!!
>we have to think of a name so rose can put it in the book
>BULLSHIT, IT’S ANOTHER ELABORATE STRIDER HOAX.
>HE’S GOING TO SPIT IT OUT AND BE LIKE LOL J/K.
>LET ME TRY ONE OF THOSE THINGS.
>no no, karkat, as we have established you have pretty much no taste in anything!
>except classic cinema
>i should be next!
>do not let t-z anywhere near these fucking things i am warning you
>we need a seer of mind up in that tower
>not a seer of lying flat on the floor glassy eyed and catatonic
>whole compound gets fucking overrun by monster bears
>she’s up there chewing dreamily and smearing juice all over her face
>WHY Y3S TH3 PROS3CUT1ON W1LL 4CC3PT 4NOTH3R SCRUMPT1OUS JOYBOMB
>1 WOND3R WH4T 4LL TH3 SCR34M1NG 4ND CRUNCH1NG 1S 4BOUT DOWN TH3R3
>OM NOM NOM
>i am sure terezi would never relax her vigilance even for the tastiest fruits!
>NO, STRIDER’S RIGHT, SHE TOTALLY WOULD. WE NEED TO HIDE THESE.
>At The Rate You And John Are Eating Them There Wont Be Any Left
>Problem Solved
>The warriors return from the field, I see.
>Went the day well?
Rose had appeared silently, leaning in the doorway from the kitchen, arms folded, watching with amusement. John turned slightly pink, the way he always did. Karkat rolled his eyes as if trying to dislodge the top of his skull from within.
>hey rose!
>we killed a whole bunch of squiddles
>there’s more of them every day though, i’m a bit worried!
>Yes, Terezi and I are keeping an eye on them.
>Or a nose, in her case.
>You finished drilling the perimeter trench, as well. Nice work.
>thanks! i am quite proud of it.
Karkat snorted.
>BLUH BLUH
>HUGE DITCH
A well-aimed joybomb hit him in the eye. Jade got the giggles. Rose came over and slipped her arm through Kanaya’s.
>Kanaya, I’ve been scanning some more of the area to the west, beyond Lake Feferi, and I’ve found what looks like an entirely different biosphere.
>It’s more woodland, but it’s not deciduous like ours here. It seems more like some sort of rainforest, and there are some intriguing variations in the ecosystem.
>I’ll tell you about it over dinner, but I think you and I should go and have a closer look as soon as feasible.
>I Would Like That
>SO EVERYONE’S HAD A PRODUCTIVE DAY, THIS IS EXCELLENT.
>EXCEPT SOLLUX, WHO HAS PRESUMABLY BEEN SITTING ON HIS USELESS BLIND ASS ALL DAY WRITING SHITTY CODE.
>hey fuck y0u kk
>have y0u even seen what i have t0 w0rk with in this plaice
>i mean place
>i am literally grafting chunks 0f dead tech t0gether with a s0ldering ir0n
>i never th0ught i’d say this but i actually miss equius
>als0 did i menti0n my j0b is made harder by the fact i CAN’T FUCKING SEE
>my fingers are pretty much just fat sausages 0f c00ling s0lder by this p0int
>ALRIGHT GREAT, SO THE OFFICER I/C WHINING LIKE A WIGGLER IS ON TOP OF THINGS AS USUAL.
>THREAD LOCKED! NEW TOPIC: DINNERTIME.
>WHO WANTS PIE.
>h0w am i still y0ur friend
>i kn0w i hate myself but this is ridicul0us
>i sh0uld just stick r0se’s needles in my charred weeping s0ckets and wiggle them ar0und till my ast0unding mutant think pan ruptures like an 0verripe sucklefruit
>ewww sollux!! DX
>I’ll thank you not to get brain juice on my knitting apparatus, Mr Captor.
>If the ceaseless grinding torment of existence simply grows too agonising to endure, let me know at once, and I shall make you a hat.
>0h 0k
>that s0unds pretty c00l t00 i guess.
>HEY I WANT A FUCKING HAT, GODDAMMIT.
>did someone say pie?? oh man.
>Perhaps John And Our Fearless Leader Should Try Their Lasagna Again
>KANAYA, FUCK, ARE YOU INSANE?
>NOT AFTER WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME.
>guys
>im not kidding
>get those goddamn things under a wheelbarrow or something
>DO 1 SM3LL
>D3L1C1OUSN3SS?? >:O
>oh shit
Kanaya sat in the glow of the dying fire and let her gaze drift around the courtyard. Jade had snuggled blissfully up against Dave, who even while asleep was somehow contriving to look as though it was cool, this sort of thing happened to him all the time. Rose and John had dozed off holding hands, as they often did these days. Karkat and Terezi weren’t touching, but they lay face to face, so close that Karkat’s slow breaths stirred the stray hairs across Terezi’s cheek.
She stood up, smoothed the creases out of her skirt, and glided across to the watchtower. Rough wooden steps, scarcely more than planks screwed into steel brackets, rose in a spiral round the tower’s wall and out of sight, casting weird jagged shadows in the fierce moonlight. As she climbed a breeze picked up from somewhere, bringing with it a faint scent of salt and flowers.
At the top she found Sollux. He had removed his goggles, and was half-sitting, half-lying in a striped canvas deckchair that John had managed to alchemize the very day they’d arrived. They tried to alchemize as little as possible now, to conserve resources, but Kanaya still remembered the tears (clear, like water) that had trickled down John’s cheeks as he’d conjured from air this silly framework of wood and coloured cloth and unfolded its legs onto alien soil: a farewell note from a world he would only see again in dreams, a scrap of flotsam pulled from the wrack of a universe.
>hey kan
>Oh Dear
>Am I Disturbing You
>I Thought You Were Still Downstairs
>nah it’s c00l, grab a seat.
>s0rry i t00k the awes0me recliner thing.
>i’ve just been talking t0 aa
>You Still Hear Her Then
>yeah
>s0metimes
>m0stly 0n nights like this
>it happens less 0ften n0w th0ugh
>i think she’s slipping away
>bec0ming 0ne with the universe, 0r whatever the fuck it was she did at the end.
>Do You Miss Her
>?
>c0urse i fucking miss her
>her and ff both
>always will
>but y0u kn0w
>it’s strange
>But You Are Ok With It
>eheheheh
>s0mething like that.
>I Dont Think Thats Strange
>I Think Sometimes The Best You Can Hope For Is Ok
>Are You Sure You Dont Want Me To Leave
>yeah
Far off in the forests, strange insects croaked and chirped. Tiny wavelets on the lake, and beads of dew on the steely grass, and even the rim of John’s glasses in the courtyard below sparkled in the cool blue light of Vriska, hanging like a scratched silver coin caught mid-flip in a cloudless indigo sky. The rainbow drinker and the blind prophet sat side by side in companionable silence on the deck, listening to the unfamiliar stars.