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Lan Jingyi is nervously scooting around on his knees. Lan Qiren is looking rather displeased with him, but Lan Jingyi can’t help it. He’s nervous.
Lan Qiren finally puts down the brush and gives his full attention to Lan Jingyi.
“Speak,” he instructs and Lan Jingyi swallows hard before he takes a deep, calming breath.
He prepared for this.
“Clan Elder Qiren, I came to ask permission to court Lan Sizhui,” he says and is rather proud that he doesn’t stumble over the words.
“Denied,” comes the immediate response and Lan Jingyi’s mouth drops open.
“What?” he weakly asks, because he cannot have heard that right.
“I will not allow you to court Sizhui,” Lan Qiren says and this time they can be no mistaking his words.
“Why?” Lan Jingyi blurts out and then cringes at Lan Qiren’s reprimanding glare.
“Sizhui is the head disciple of your generation. He’s the pride of my family and our clan. Do you really think I would allow you to taint his image like that? Do you even know how many rules you broke this week alone?”
Lan Jingyi tries to think about a suitable answer to that, but his heart is beating too wildly in his chest, his blood too loud in his ears, and it makes it hard to think.
“Too many to count,” Lan Qiren eventually answers his own question. “There is not even any use in punishing you for the smaller ones anymore. You clearly won’t learn, no matter what.”
Lan Jingyi looks down at his hands and tries to get his breath to even out.
Focus , he thinks but it’s hard.
“You are a misfit for this clan and you are a misfit for Sizhui as well,” Lan Qiren says. “I can do nothing about the first, but I can do something about the second. So no. You will never be allowed to deepen your relationship, beyond what you already have with him.”
Lan Jingyi needs a moment to really let that sink in and then he bows deep.
“Thank you, Clan Elder,” he brings out somehow, and falls into the appropriate bow.
He leaves the room almost on autopilot, not sure where to go from here, and his feet take him to the clearing with Hanguang-Jun’s rabbits.
Lan Jingyi knows that Lan Qiren and the other elder clan members are not overly fond of him, but this feels like a slap to the face.
When he reaches the clearing he’s relieved to find it empty of other humans, and Lan Jingyi doesn’t hesitate to scoop up one of the many rabbits hopping about.
At least they are as much of a misfit in this sect as he is.
~*~*~
“Jingyi,” Senior Wei says from the door of his room, and Jingyi rushes to fall into the bow, surprised by Senior Wei’s presence in his room, but not about to question it.
“What can I do for you?” he asks and Wei Wuxian frowns at him.
“What’s up with you lately?” he wants to know, but Jingyi only shrugs.
No need to lay his many shortcomings out to one of Lan Sizhui’s dads.
“Listen, Lan Zhan and I have to leave for a night hunt, but I think Sizhui is getting sick? He looked pale and I’m pretty sure he’s getting a fever. Would you mind looking after him when we’re gone?”
Lan Jingyi stares open-mouthed at Wei Wuxian and then ducks his head. He tried to keep his distance from Lan Sizhui for the last few days, Lan Qiren’s words still stuck in his head, and he’s not sure he’s the right person for this.
“Zewu-Jun,” he unsurely starts but Wei Wuxian shakes his head.
“Left for Lotus Pier a day ago. Please, would you? I know something happened between you two, but I would worry all the time if I didn’t know you were looking after him.”
“Nothing happened between us,” Lan Jingyi mutters, but Wei Wuxian sends him a look that clearly states just how believable he is. “Really,” Lan Jingyi reiterates and Wei Wuxian smiles his blinding smile at Lan Jingyi.
“Then you won’t mind, right? I think Sizhui missed you, and I would know he’s in good hands with you.”
Lan Jingyi presses his lips together at that, because Sizhui won’t be in good hands with him, Lan Qiren made that one abundantly clear, but eventually he nods.
Lan Sizhui is still his best friend after all, no matter Lan Jingyi’s other feelings.
“Thank you!” Wei Wuxian exclaims and pulls Lan Jingyi into a hug before he dashes off, no doubt to find Hanguang-Jun.
~*~*~
When Lan Jingyi finally finds Lan Sizhui he’s long past ‘maybe getting a fever’. He’s full on burning up, and Lan Jingyi rushes to his side, gently pressing his hand to Lan Sizhui’s forehead.
He’s just as hot as Lan Jingyi expected.
“Why didn’t you go to the healer?” Lan Jingyi wants to know and Lan Sizhui curls towards him.
“Tired,” he mumbles and then grabs Lan Jingyi’s hand to pull him down on the bed. “Don’t go again. Missed you,” he mutters into his pillow and Lan Jingyi sighs.
He missed Lan Sizhui as well, but he needed a few days to come to terms with the fact that this would be all he ever got. It still kinda hurts, looking at Lan Sizhui and knowing he will never be allowed to lean in and kiss him, or hold his hand in public, or make eyes at him like Lan Wangji does at Wei Wuxian, but Lan Jingyi pushes it all down for now.
His friend needs him.
“I missed you, too,” Lan Jingyi mutters, though the slight snoring from Lan Sizhui lets him know that he’s already fast asleep.
The grip on Lan Jingyi’s hand doesn’t loosen.
He has to pry Lan Sizhui’s hand off to get up and find a cloth to put on Lan Sizhui’s forehead, and as soon as he sits by his side again, Lan Sizhui reaches out for him again.
Lan Jingyi knows he’s breaking several rules, yet again, by staying in Lan Sizhui’s room at night, but he can’t bring himself to leave him alone. Not that he could with the grip that Lan Sizhui still has on him.
Lan Jingyi changes the cloth several times that night, and Lan Sizhui seems unhappy every time he leaves his side. Lan Jingyi tries not to interpret anything into that.
When the sun rises, Lan Sizhui’s fever finally goes down and the moment Lan Sizhui falls into a more restful sleep, Lan Jingyi falls into an uneasy slumber, still perched on the edge of his bed, hands still intertwined.
~*~*~
Lan Jingyi is still the first to wake up, and he gently takes his hand back from Lan Sizhui. He gets up, careful not to wake Lan Sizhui, and leaves to get him breakfast. Lan Sizhui shouldn’t move too much, yet.
Lan Jingyi makes a short trip to the jingshi, but Hanguang-Jun and Senior Wei aren’t back yet, so he leaves for the kitchen.
He gets a lot of stares, and he’s pretty sure people are whispering behind his back, but Lan JIngyi doesn’t pay too much attention to it. He’s used to this kind of attention, and he just assumes he’s not properly dressed.
They probably can all see that he slept in his robes.
It’s not until Lan Qiren stops him in a hallway that Lan Jingyi really gets worried.
“What did you do?” Lan Qiren demands to know and Lan Jingyi stares with wide eyes at him.
“I didn’t do anything?”
“I told you you’re not a good fit for Sizhui. How dare you go against my word at that?”
“I didn’t,” Lan Jingyi rushes out, because he might break a lot of rules, but he would never go against a Clan Elder like that.
No matter how much it hurt him to know that he wasn’t considered good enough for Lan Sizhui.
“Lying is forbidden,” Lan Qiren reminded him. “You were seen leaving his room this morning. You spent the night!”
“Because he’s sick and Wei Wuxian asked me to!” Lan Jingyi rushes to clarify but Lan Qiren continues to glare at him.
“You tainted his image. The whole Cloud Recesses is talking about it.”
“Gossiping is forbidden,” Lan Jingyi can’t help but mumble, even though he damn well knows it will get him even more in trouble.
“Get out of my sight,” Lan Qiren angrily hisses at him and Lan Jingyi ducks his head. “You will receive your punishment later.”
Lan Jingyi quickly bows as best as he can with the tray of food still in his grip and then almost runs away. What’s one more rule to break, right.
He knows he shouldn’t go back to Lan Sizhui, shouldn’t give anyone more reason to talk about them, but Lan Sizhui still needs food and the worry for his friend wins out in the end.
Lan Jingyi hurries back through the halls, keeping his head low and hoping to attract as little attention as possible, and he lets out a relieved sigh when the door of Lan Sizhui’s room closes behind him.
“Jingyi?” Lan Sizhui calls weakly from the bed and Lan Jingyi hurries to his side.
“I’m here,” he reassures him and carefully puts the tray down.
“Not hungry,” Lan Sizhui whines when he sees the tray, but Lan Jingyi still puts the bowl in his hands.
“You have to eat. You’re still weak.”
Lan Sizhui groans but dutifully starts eating.
Lan Jingyi worriedly bites his lower lip, thinking back to the whispers that followed him all the way, before he finally just blurts out: “I’m sorry!”
Lan Sizhui turns startled eyes on him, spoon forgotten in his hand.
“For what?”
“For tainting your image. People saw me leave your room this morning, and there has been some talk,” Lan Jingyi explains without meeting Lan Sizhui’s eyes.
“I don’t care about that,” Lan Sizhui immediately says and nudges Lan Jingyi to get him to look up.
“Your great-uncle does,” he mumbles, more to his hands than Lan Sizhui, who finally puts the bowl away.
“Jingyi, what happened? You’ve been strange these past few days. What’s going on?”
Lan Jingyi tries to keep it in, readies himself to just laugh it all off, unwilling to burden Lan Sizhui with this, with his feelings, when nothing can come of them anyway.
“Please talk to me,” Lan Sizhui says and gently takes Lan Jingyi’s hand again.
“I asked Lan Qiren for permission to court you,” Lan Jingyi finally mutters, because he cannot lie to Lan Sizhui, and when he hears the surprised gasp he almost recoils. “I’m sorry.”
“Why would you be sorry about that? What did he say?” Lan Sizhui asks and he sounds almost excited.
Lan Jingyi finally lifts his gaze, and he finds Lan Sizhui smiling at him.
“No, of course,” Lan Jingyi tells him and watches in distress as Lan Sizhui’s face falls.
“Why would he do that?”
“Because I’m not good enough for you,” Lan Jingyi evenly says, because he had a few days to come to terms with this already.
Not that it makes it any easier to bear.
“Did he say that?” Lan Sizhui demands to know and tightens the grip on Lan Jingyi.
“He probably shouldn’t have to say that, I should have come to the realization myself. It was a stupid thing to ask,” Lan Jingyi mutters.
“Why would you even think that?” Lan Sizhui urgently asks. “You’re the best person I know.”
“But I’m not a good enough Lan,” Lan Jingyi gives back. “And you’re his beloved Sizhui.”
“That is complete and utter bullshit,” Lan Sizhui vehemently says and Lan Jingyi startles badly.
He never heard Lan Sizhui swear before.
Before Lan Jingyi can say anything to that, probably remind Lan Sizhui that swearing is forbidden, because that’s easier than acknowledging what he just said, the door opens and Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji enter.
“Sizhui!” Wei Wuxian calls out and opens his arms wide to pull his son into a hug. “You look better. Are you feeling better? Lan Zhan and I were so worried. But Jingyi took good care of you, right?” Wei Wuxian reaches out to pat Lan Jingyi’s head, who can feel himself blush in embarrassment.
He’s not used to this kind of easy affection.
“Dad, why don’t you tell Jingyi that he’s more than good enough to court me?” Lan Sizhui asks Lan Wangji, completely ignoring Wei Wuxian who pouts at him before the words sink in.
“Wait, what?” Wei Wuxian asks, looking back and forth between Lan Jingyi and Lan Sizhui.
“Why wouldn’t he be?”
“That’s what I’d like to know as well,” Lan Sizhui gives back and Lan Jingyi tries his hardest not to meet anyone’s eyes.
“Did someone say something like that?” Wei Wuxian asks Lan Jingyi, who stays quiet.
“Great-uncle Qiren, apparently,” Lan Sizhui explains.
“That grumpy old man,” Wei Wuxian mutters and then pulls Lan Jingyi into a hug. “Of course you’re good enough to court Sizhui.”
“Mn,” Lan Wangji agrees and puts his hand on Lan Jingyi’s shoulder. “Perfect for Sizhui,” he says and Lan Jingyi has to bite back the tears that threaten to fill his eyes.
“Did you ask Uncle Qiren for permission?” Wei Wuxian wants to know and Lan Jingyi nods.
He really doesn’t want to do this with Lan Sizhui’s family present, he hadn’t even managed to confess to him when they were alone, but it seems like he has no other choice.
“A few days ago. I wanted to get official approval before I say anything.” He finally looks up at Lan Sizhui. “Because I really like you and I want to court you. I want to be with you.”
Lan Jingyi’s heart beats wildly in his chest, but when he looks at Lan Sizhui, he’s smiling at him and it instantly puts Lan Jingyi at ease. Not that it calms his heart any.
“But he said no, that I wasn’t good enough, not Lan enough for you,” Lan Jingyi says and scrubs his eyes, hoping to stop the tears from falling.
“Untrue,” Lan Wangji says and Wei Wuxian nods in a greement.
“Absolutely untrue. You can court Sizhui all you want.”
Lan Jingyi wants to protest, because as happy as this makes him, he needs official approval from either an Sect Elder or the Sect Leader.
“Brother will agree,” Lan Wangji tells him, like he can see the worry on Lan Jingyi’s face and Lan Sizhui nods.
“He definitely will!”
“You don’t know that,” Lan Jingyi mutters because he had thought Lan Qiren would agree, too.
“He keeps asking me when I will finally start to court you, so I think he will give his enthusiastic permission,” Lan Sizhui tells him, and blushes faintly.
“Aaand I think it’s time to leave the two love-birds to figure out how their courtship will go,” Wei Wuxian declares and stands up to tug his husband out the door.
There’s an almost uncomfortable silence once they left the room and then Lan Sizhui clears his throat.
“You do still want to court me, right?” he asks, as if Lan Jingyi could have changed his mind between the confession and now.
“Of course I do,” he instantly says and Lan Sizhui smiles relieved at him, only to be interrupted by a jawn.
“Scoot over,” Lan Jingyi tells him and nudges him slightly when Lan Sizhui doesn’t move fast enough.
“I’m still sick,” he protests but Lan Jingyi couldn’t care less.
He slides into bed next to Lan Sizhui, pulls him into his side and leans back against the headrest.
“Sleep some more,” Lan Jingyi tells him as he cards his fingers through his hair and Lan Sizhui snuggles closer. “We can talk about the courtship later.”
“Best boyfriend ever,” Lan Sizhui mumbles into his chest, and Lan Jingyi is glad that he can’t see him go bright red at that.
“Sleep,” he mumbles again and presses a kiss to Lan Sizhui’s forehead.
It’s not long before he falls asleep as well.