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Wei Wuxian wakes up to a blinding headache. He groans and closes his eyes again, hoping that it will help some, but it doesn’t.
There’s a rustling in the room, and Wei Wuxian pries his eyes open again, fully expecting to see Lan Zhan by his side, like all the other times he woke up in the jingshi.
But it’s not Lan Zhan sitting at the table.
“Where’s Lan Zhan?” Wei Wuxian croaks out and then coughs.
Lan Xichen is at his side a second later, offering him a cup of water, which Wei Wuxian greedily drinks.
“Wangji is with the healer,” Lan Xichen tells him and Wei Wuxian’s blood runs cold.
“Why? What happened? Is he hurt?” he wants to know and Lan Xichen briefly presses his lips together.
“You don’t remember?”
Wei Wuxian wrecks his brain, but everything is hazy. They were fighting someone, he knows that much, but he barely remembers anything beyond that.
“Not really,” Wei Wuxian finally admits and Lan Xichen sighs.
“You were ambushed by some people who were loyal to Jin Guangyao,” he says and Wei Wuxian can see that it still pains Lan Xichen to talk about him.
Wei Wuxian faintly remembers being attacked; they had walked right into a trap, but Wei Wuxian hadn’t been overly worried. There wasn’t much that could put him and Lan Zhan in serious danger.
“They hurt him?” he asks, worry clear in his voice, and he wants to do nothing more than get up and find Lan Zhan, make sure that he’s fine and not in danger of dying. Though he thinks Lan Xichen would be a lot more worried if that was the case. Besides, he’s not sure he would make it even five steps, because his head is still killing him.
“No. They were gaining the upper hand, as far as I understood it, and you lost control. You hurt him.”
“I did?” Wei Wuxian faintly asks and his stomach lurches unpleasantly. “I never would hurt him.”
“And yet you did,” Lan Xichen says, and there’s a lot less accusation in his voice than Wei Wuxian expected. “He tried to stop you, help you regain your senses and you attacked him.”
“I didn’t mean to,” Wei Wuxian urgently says, because even if he can’t remember anything, he knows that.
He would rather die than hurt Lan Zhan.
“Where is he? How is he doing?” he demands to know but before Lan Xichen can answer the door to the jingshi opens and Lan Zhan steps in.
His arm is in a sling, bound to his torso, but he’s walking on his own and seems otherwise unharmed.
“I’ll take my leave,” Lan Xichen says after a meaningful look at Lan Zhan and then bows to both Wei Wuxian and his brother.
Wei Wuxian barely pays him any attention, eyes fixed on Lan Zhan and his head spins when he sees how discoloured his hand looks.
“What did I do?” Wei Wuxian whispers, horrified with himself that he would hurt Lan Zhan like this but Lan Zhan shakes his head.
“Not you,” he says decisively and walks closer, but he doesn’t sit down on the bed like he has before.
“How bad is it?” Wei Wuxian wants to know and he forces himself out of bed, gets to his feet even though it makes his vision swim, and he reaches out for Lan Zhan.
Who flinches away from him.
Wei Wuxian jerks his hand back, stumbles back a few feet as well just for good measure, and drops his gaze.
“I am so, so sorry, Lan Zhan,” he says though he knows he can never make up for hurting Lan Zhan like this.
“How bad is it?” he asks again, needs to know, and Lan Zhan hesitates for a second.
It’s long enough to make Wei Wuxian go cold with how horrified he is with himself.
“Arm shattered,” Lan Zhan tells him eventually. “They set it. It will be fine.”
Wei Wuxian can hardly believe that. It’s Lan Zhan’s sword arm, too, and no matter how good the healer at the Cloud Recesses are, Lan Zhan will surely feel it for the rest of his life.
And Wei Wuxian did that to him.
“I never meant to hurt you,” Wei Wuxian presses out, but he starts to realize just how empty his words are.
He is the reason for so much of Lan Zhan’s pain and he will never be able to make up for that.
Wei Wuxian had thought that at least in this body he wouldn’t have to worry about demonic cultivation; with a core and without the Stygian Tiger Seal the danger of that should have diminished. But clearly he was wrong about that.
“Wei Ying,” Lan Zhan says but Wei Wuxian turns away from him.
“I’m tired, Lan Zhan,” he softly tells him and he can feel Lan Zhan’s uncertainty, but in the end he leaves him alone.
Wei Wuxian’s head is still pounding, but he puts on his robes, gathers Chenqing and Suibian and then carefully, silently leaves.
He will not put Lan Zhan into any more danger; he already ruined too much for him. He doesn’t care how his own heart beats wildly in his chest, hurting with every heavy thump, doesn’t care that he can feel tears gathering in his eyes.
This is what’s best for Lan Zhan. And he has to know it too. After all, he did flinch away from Wei Wuxian, clearly knowing that every contact with Wei Wuxian brings nothing but pain.
Wei Wuxian gets as far as the gates before he is stopped by Lan Xichen, who apparently waited for him.
“Where are you going?” Lan Xichen wants to know.
“Does it matter?” Wei Wuxian bitterly asks. “I’m getting away from your brother, that should be all you need to know.”
“Why are you leaving him?”
Wei Wuxian stares incredulously at him.
“Because I hurt him. Because all I do is hurting him. I need to get as far away from Lan Zhan as possible.”
Lan Xichen’s eyes turn to something behind Wei Wuxian and Wei Wuxian steels himself for whatever is coming.
“Wei Ying,” Lan Zhan says and Wei Wuxian closes his eyes.
There will never be a way to steel himself when it comes to Lan Zhan.
“Please,” he pleads. “Just let me go. You’ll be a lot safer.”
“Safer, maybe,” Lan Zhan admits, “but not happy.”
“But alive and unharmed,” Wei Wuxian tries again, because he cannot latch onto that.
He needs Lan Zhan to be safe and sound.
“That’s not always all that matters,” Lan Xichen gently chimes in and Wei Wuxian turns betrayed eyes on him.
“You should be happy I’m leaving. It’s much better for the health of your brother.”
“But not for his heart,” Lan Xichen gives back and even the faint “Brother,” from Lan Zhan can’t stop him now.
“I never again wish to see him as devastated as he was after your death. He would gladly take any physical injury if it only means you could stay by his side and I have never seen him as happy as with you, right there next to him. And you would never knowingly put his life in danger.”
“Have you seen his arm?” Wei Wuxian wants to know. “What if he can never wield Bichen again?”
“I’ll adapt,” Lan Zhan says and Wei Wuxian feels close to tears again.
“You shouldn’t have to.”
“But I would. For keeping you, I would.”
“Young Master Wei, it’s not only your decision to make. Wangji gets to decide as well, how he wants to live his life. You shouldn’t forget that.”
Wei Wuxian can do nothing but stare at Lan Xichen as he bows and then quietly takes his leave.
“You can’t be trusted with the decisions you make,” Wei Wuxian says, still turned away from Lan Zhan. “You get stupid when it concerns me.”
“As does Wei Ying,” Lan Zhan softly says and takes Wei Wuxian’s hand. “If you leave, I’ll follow you.”
“You’re hurt,” Wei Wuxian protests.
“Shouldn’t leave, then,” Lan Zhan gives back and Wei Wuxian can hear the smug smile in his voice even though there’s no sign of it on his face.
“You flinched away from me,” Wei Wuxian lowly says and Lan Zhan squeezes his hand.
“Healer prodded me. Arm hurts, still,” Lan Zhan explains and Wei Wuxian can see how maybe his instinctual reaction didn’t have anything to do with Wei Wuxian directly.
It still doesn’t change the fact that he’s the reason for Lan Zhan’s pain and injury.
“I did this to you.”
“I could have left,” Lan Zhan disagrees. “I tried to stop you. Also my fault.”
Wei Wuxian laughs at that, because only Lan Zhan could twist something as clear as this around.
“I’m sorry,” Wei Wuxian says.
“I know. No reason to be,” Lan Zhan tells him and lifts his hand to press a kiss to the back of Wei Wuxian’s hand. “Don’t leave.”
Wei Wuxian is silent for a long moment, because he doesn’t want to leave. There is nothing he wants more than to stay with Lan Zhan, but he knows if he doesn’t walk away now, he never will.
“If I don’t go, I never will,” he honestly tells him. “You should think about that. You won’t be able to get rid of me if you allow me to stay now.”
“Good,” Lan Zhan says, and he sounds entirely too pleased. “Forever, then.”
Wei Wuxian huffs out a laugh at that and finally turns to look at Lan Zhan.
“You do get stupid when it concerns me. No one in their right mind would want me, still.”
Wei Wuxian can’t help but skim his fingers over the corners of Lan Zhan’s eyes, when they get all soft at that.
“Stupid for you,” Lan Zhan agrees and Wei Wuxian laughs at that, before he sobers up and leans their foreheads together.
“I’m stupid for you, too,” he admits and gently brushes his lips over Lan Zhan’s, who reciprocates quite beautifully.
“You’re still hurt,” Wei Wuxian admonishes when Lan Zhan tries to deepen the kiss. “You need to rest.”
“Wei Ying, too,” Lan Zhan decisively says and pulls him along, back to the jingshi.
Wei Wuxian is too pleased, and way too happy, to even think about protesting this. He already knows he will sleep wonderfully with Lan Zhan besides him.