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Scotty Doesn't Know by knightmossy
Fandoms: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Marauders - Fandom
09 Feb 2026
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Summary
Lily Evans can't keep her good Christian girl act up any longer. Her shot at a future is destroyed, she's broke in a fundamentalist ghost town, and she believes she is on a vapid downward spiral to Hell. Lily gives up.
Barty Crouch Jr has a massive crush and unhealthy habits. He never had a future in mind, engages in questionable ways of revenue attainment and glamorizes the idea of being in Hell with Lily Evans. Barty hasn't had a better plan.
Their rock bottom looks like working a customer service job, smoking on breaks, getting calls from a freaky stalker, and cheating on not-boyfriends. Strangely, they've never been happier in the misery of the bible belt.
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Summary
Evan blinked. “Wait. He has scars?”
“Ohhhh yeah,” Barty said, gesturing vaguely. “Like, across his face. All very ’I brooded in exile for ten years and studied the sword but also literature.’”
Evan’s expression shifted to barely concealed intrigue. “Huh.”
Regulus pressed his forehead to the window. “Kill me. Please, whatever god exists, just kill me now.”
Barty made a theatrical gasp. “Oh my god! This is perfect. Regulus Black, the perfectly pressed, buttoned-up royal of the English department…has a thing for trenchcoat-wearing, soulful-eyed professors who look like they wrestle their inner demons between lectures.”
Dorcas nodded slowly. “A deeply artistic professor-student slowburn.”
Evan cracked a tiny smile. “That does sound like something you’d write, Reg.”
Or…Regulus Black is absolutely fucked because he is attracted to his professor
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Barty knew from the moment he laid eyes on the undersized first year Regulus Black, that he was made to be his.
Unfortunately, some egotistical Wizards felt they had more right to him.
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Barty has a not so secret obsession with the new boy in school, Evan Rosier.
Evan has some extreme issues.
What could go wrong?
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“Not good,” Remus said tightly, already reaching for his wand.
“Bloody hell,” Sirius muttered, eyes wide.
Before anyone could react further, three sigils tore free from the page like molten brands. It floated in the air before James, Lily, and Regulus. The light engulfed them, wrapping around their figures in blinding arcs.
“Don’t move!” Lily shouted, even as her outline blurred in the glow.
Regulus tried to wrench himself free, but the magic caught him fast, pulling him upright. His glare shot toward James through the searing light. “This is your fault—”
And then the glow swallowed them whole.
The dormitory vanished.
Or…
In which three people destined to die have to deal with a fifteen-year-old chosen one, the future, fate, and the horrors of romance.