selfdefined
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Shane reached out without thinking, his fingers brushing against the rough fabric of Ilya’s jacket sleeve.
Ilya flinched away. “Dun’ touch me!”
Shane blinked, thrown. “What the - ”
“I already have boyfriend!” Ilya declared, pulling his jacket around himself like a shield. “Are practically engaged!”
Shane just stared. “Ilya. It’s me.”
“Only my boyfriend may unwrap me.” Ilya announced. “Is respect.”
Ilya gets drunk and refuses to be touched by anyone except his boyfriend. Unfortunately for Shane, Ilya does not realize his boyfriend is the one taking him home.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 3,167
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Collections:
- 3
- Comments:
- 340
- Kudos:
- 13,947
- Bookmarks:
- 2,093
- Hits:
- 85,110
Bookmarked by selfdefined
27 Feb 2026
Bookmarker's Notes
AHHHhhHhHhdusjcksks this is SO TENDER
AND SO FULL OF LOVE
AND ILYA’S ABSURDITY -
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Here is what everyone thinks of you. It’s exactly what you feared. It might actually be worse.
Bookmarked by selfdefined
27 Feb 2026
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Summary
“Rozanov, back up.”
“Backing up,” Ilya said evenly, “But if he touches my husband again I will explore violence.”
The reporter cleared her throat. "Thoughts on playing against Montreal again?"
"They did not deserve Shane’s leadership." Ilya paused. "Certainly did not deserve his jawline."
Shane exhaled, resigned. "You are sitting next to me for a reason.”
“Yes,” Ilya agreed solemnly. “Leash.”
@DownBadInOttawa
There are FOSSILS less down than Rozanov. He is WHIPPED and PROUD of it.@MontrealDefenseSquad
we are getting destroyed by a guy who just publicly admitted his husband controls him. this is the worst timeline.When Ottawa faces Montreal again, Shane keeps it professional. Ilya absolutely does not.
Featuring: one infamous Hollanov Wikipedia page and a professional athlete with a marriage kink.
Series
- Part 3 of This Is Why We Have Media Training
Bookmarked by selfdefined
27 Feb 2026
Bookmarker's Notes
i couldn’t stop cackling
ilya’s audacity and love for shane knows no bounds or limits, it’s so loud i’m pretty sure it’s PHYSICALLY visible from pluto -
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The top tweet read: Rozanov did not win that game. Hollander won it from the bench with VIBES and a JERSEY two sizes too big.
The side-by-side said it all: Ilya looking derailed by Shane casually adjusting his sleeve.
Another chimed in: THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU MARRY YOUR CAPTAIN.
Ilya gets distracted mid-match because his husband wears his jersey.
Harris makes a PR decision. The internet makes it worse.
Featuring: one cursed jersey bet, one tired PR manager, and a fanbase that has decided Shane Hollander controls his husband with eye contact alone.
Series
- Part 2 of This Is Why We Have Media Training
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 2,935
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Collections:
- 2
- Comments:
- 175
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- 6,871
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- 638
- Hits:
- 52,958
Bookmarked by selfdefined
27 Feb 2026
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Ilya turned slightly toward the reporter. “Shane won’t say this, but it’s true. When your captain is calm, you don’t panic. You just… follow him.”
The reporter blinked. “You’re talking about Shane’s leadership?”
Ilya’s smile was devastating. “Am talking about my husband.”
The room sucked in a collective breath. Husband. Said as if they were discussing muffin recipes.
On the internet: Breaking: Shane Hollander maintains perfect composure while his teammate professes eternal devotion live on air.
Shane agrees to one post-game interview with Ilya. Ilya is determined to make sure everyone knows how brilliant, beautiful, and perfect his husband is.
Series
- Part 1 of This Is Why We Have Media Training
Bookmarked by selfdefined
27 Feb 2026