Dontmentionit
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Summary
"Her name is...Hermione," Lucius pronounces the name very carefully, watching Voldemort as if for some reaction. He has none to offer. "She's in my son's year. And she claims to be your daughter."
Crack!AU where Lord Voldemort thinks Hermione Granger is his daughter.
Series
- Part 2 of and several bad jokes later
- Part 2 of all plates are cracked by mr nobody
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 13,757
- Chapters:
- 3/3
- Collections:
- 31
- Comments:
- 775
- Kudos:
- 12,922
- Bookmarks:
- 3,489
- Hits:
- 144,419
Bookmarked by Dontmentionit
31 Dec 2025
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Summary
“Congratulations, Mommy.”
“Gods,” she laughs, feeling silly now. “Do you think they really call each other that?”
Draco gives her one of those lazy hums, smiling at her laughter. “It’s sort of fun.”
“But truly,” she says, still amused, breath teetering, “Daddy? I mean, come on.”
Or: Hermione attends a baby shower. It is a singularly bad experience. Until it isn't.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 11,911
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Collections:
- 2
- Comments:
- 238
- Kudos:
- 1,858
- Bookmarks:
- 375
- Hits:
- 15,679
Bookmarked by Dontmentionit
27 Dec 2025
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It was only supposed to be a mother-daughter holiday. But Rose Weasley is her mother's daughter, and her best friend happens to be Scorpius Malfoy.
“You need to come now,” Hermione whispered. “I think I may be an accessory to kidnapping Draco Malfoy’s son.”
or
Rose Weasley and Scorpius Malfoy are on a mission to set up their parents. What better time to parent-trap them together than the week-long Christmas Holiday Hermione has been planning for three months?Series
- Part 1 of Mission T.I.T.S and Other Mischiefs
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 143,200
- Chapters:
- 25/25
- Collections:
- 7
- Comments:
- 2,653
- Kudos:
- 6,711
- Bookmarks:
- 2,311
- Hits:
- 253,315
Bookmarked by Dontmentionit
17 Dec 2025
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Summary
Hermione Granger had been asked—and agreed—to do many absurd things since learning she was a witch, usually involving Harry Potter. This long list included, in no particular order, smuggling baby dragons, being placed unconscious at the bottom of a lake surrounded by merpeople, and traveling back in time to fly an escaped convict to safety on the back of a mythical creature. But returning to a Death Eater-controlled Hogwarts pretending to be Daphne Greengrass may have been the most ridiculous yet.
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Slow burn, wartime Dramione. Complete.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 208,310
- Chapters:
- 30/30
- Collections:
- 44
- Comments:
- 1,699
- Kudos:
- 11,213
- Bookmarks:
- 5,154
- Hits:
- 571,869
Bookmarked by Dontmentionit
29 Nov 2025
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Summary
Caput Mortuum: A useless substance left over from a chemical operation and the epitome of decline and decay, literally ‘dead head’ or ‘worthless remains’. A dark purple pigment.
Lucius Malfoy is the Minister for Magic, after The Order was unable to remain in power post-War. Draco Malfoy is the powerless figurehead of his father’s new regime. Banned from doing nearly everything (except the occasional topless photo shoot to cover up the more unsavoury aspects of Lucius’ plans), he has lost all hope for a better world. But Hermione Granger has just been captured and brought back to The Manor. And instead of being afraid, she looks like this is exactly where she wants to be. After years of apathy, Draco realises that he wants to know why.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 109,458
- Chapters:
- 22/22
- Collections:
- 9
- Comments:
- 1,176
- Kudos:
- 3,351
- Bookmarks:
- 1,887
- Hits:
- 166,825
Bookmarked by Dontmentionit
20 Oct 2025