BadlyButteredBread



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    Edward Elric is about eleven when he stands up, makes an extended effort to knock as many books off the old bastard’s shelves as he can, and says, “Fuck the military. Al, you interested in music at all?”

    Everybody's got their own ideas of retirement.

    The Elrics don't even do retirement, what with the world trying to blow itself up every other month, but this shit has got to take the fucking cake.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    33,186
    Chapters:
    3/3
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    14 Jan 2024

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  2. Public Bookmark *

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    It was rather unusual for a twelve-year-old to have two full-replacement automail limbs. Edward typically tried to cover every inch of skin and metal to avoid the questions, but unfortunately, it couldn’t always be helped. When asked the question, “How’d you lose your limbs?”, the usual story was that Ed had lost them in the Eastern Conflict.

    But what if he decided to take a more… interesting approach? After all, if Al wears the armor as a hobby, why can’t Ed have lost his arm against a bear?

    Or, Fullmetal Alchemist where everything is the same but Ed comes up with increasingly more insane ways for him to be short a few body parts.

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    Language:
    English
    Words:
    5,162
    Chapters:
    1/1
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    14
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    120
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    02 Apr 2024

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    In which Yuri Plisetsky began life with the name Edward Elric, and this has made the world of figure skating a significantly stranger and more alarming place.

    “Are you saying you lived a life of crime before you began skating?”
    “I’m gonna have to check the statute of limitations on a couple things and get back to you on that.”

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    54,791
    Chapters:
    5/5
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    44
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    1,618
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    07 Jan 2025

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    Ed had thought, after the whole Promised Day, homunculus, entire country harvested for alchemical batteries thing, the batshit quotient of his life would have settled down some. He really ought to have topped out the meter with that one. But no. The bullshit is just getting started.

    “Are you fucking kidding me,” Ed demands. “The wizards?”

     

    Podfic & Chinese translation available! See notes

    Language:
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    266,111
    Chapters:
    89/?
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    15 Aug 2025

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    In unearthing the Nomu Factory, the Heroes and police of Japan discovered a body. This was not unexpected, but the nationality and uniform of the corpse in question… that was. Because this failed Nomu wore the uniform of Amestris, a war torn nation from the isolated continent of Atossa, where Quirks and modern electronics had never developed and never worked.

    Edward Elric hoped he could retire from military service in peace, traveling Amestris while his brother Alphonse went to Xing. This is put on hold when now-Führer Mustang asks him to travel to the Outside, to the world beyond that was barricaded for centuries after the development of something called ‘Quirks’. A soldier has been killed and Amestris needs to know more about the Outside.

    Or, Edward Elric and Amestris meet the greater world of Heroes and Villains. It remains to be seen who’s more traumatized by the encounter.

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    170,827
    Chapters:
    16/16
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    1,626
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    31 Jan 2026

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