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The diet helps. Shane has always been particular about food—apparently there was a lengthy phase in his childhood where all he ever wanted for breakfast was plain Cheerios with a glass of 1% milk, and would cry ceaselessly when it was something different—but now it feels justified. Necessary, even. His parents are on board with it, too, which is nice. (Well, his mom moreso than his dad, because he doesn't get it and keeps telling Shane shit like just give yourself a treat, which is stupid because the treat is when he wins a game because of how hard he's working. But his mom understands, knows what to order for Shane at restaurants, what to keep stocked when he visits home so there are no temptations.)
A lot of the stuff he's eating now is really gross, actually, but that makes it even better, somehow. If he enjoyed it then it would be too easy. This way he knows he's actually sacrificing something for the success he wants so badly.
He likes the control, over what he eats and how he works out. Likes to know that the tool of his body is being properly handled, so that if something goes wrong, on the ice, he has nobody to blame but himself.
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And he would've been happy, really, to have set it aside completely. Well, maybe not completely.
But it could've been one of those scenarios that stayed in his head and was useful for when they hadn't seen each other in weeks and Shane was driven to using his dildo and trying desperately to replicate the motions that were really awkward to perform on yourself, actually. It could've been something to drive him over the edge, quickly, right when he needed it, in the privacy of his own mind.
Ilya using Shane for his own pleasure, no matter what they were doing. Ilya getting what he needed from the interaction and then just stopping, sated. And that would've been fine, because then they wouldn't have had to address it, and Shane could've felt mildly guilty for having such odd desires, but he was used to being strange, strange and aware of it, always. So, fine.
Or: Shane wants something he feels he definitely shouldn't; Ilya is highly enthusiastic about the prospect of his boyfriend being into free use. Over time, they figure it out.
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Residuum:
The residue, remainder, or rest of something.
Chemistry: also a quantity or body of matter remaining after evaporation, combustion, distillation, etc.
Law: the residue of an estate.
Ten years down the line, Shane and Ilya finally talk about that night in Vegas.
Series
- Part 2 of Vegas & its aftermath
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Shane Hollander has a terrible night in Vegas.
"Are you gonna fuck me?" He's starting to wonder. Has three fingers in his ass, now. Maybe this is some weird power trip for Ilya. Maybe this whole thing will happen without Ilya even touching him at all. That would be awful.
Ilya raises an eyebrow. "We will see."
That's something, right? That means if he behaves right, Ilya will come over here. Does he realize how badly Shane wants that? Has he not been clear enough?
"I need."
Ilya keeps staring. C'mon! Do it! You liked it last time, or seemed to, at least!
"What."
"You know." Surely he knows. He can't not.
"Tell me." An instruction. Shane will follow the instruction; Shane will be good.
"You." Ilya's breathing hard. Was that right? Does Shane have to be more specific in order to do it right? "I need you." At this point, it doesn't even matter how he gets him. His cock would be wonderful, but so would his fingers, or his mouth, anything. Even his arms, clutching Shane. The need is all-encompassing and therefore non-specific; he just needs Ilya.
Series
- Part 1 of Vegas & its aftermath
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“No matter how good you are with words, it’s inevitable that meaning is lost between your mind and someone else’s. Trying to communicate is like throwing a cup of water at a thirsty person’s face. It’s better than nothing, sure, and a teaspoon of water might hit their lips, but oh, God, there’s just so much water in the grass.” - Jacqueline Novak, How to Weep in Public: Feeble Offerings on Depression from One Who Knows
"M'not a slut, you know."
"Hmmn?"
"Earlier, while you were... (fucking you open? Ilya thinks, but keeps it to himself) ...you called me that. But I'm not. Just like, to clarify."
Ilya does not know this word, clarify, though he's pretty sure he's heard it used before. Perhaps this is one of Shane's ill attempts at what people here call 'dirty talk'? (A word he dislikes, because what is dirty about making each other feel pleasure?)
"You sure sounded like slut moaning while I put in in, Hollander."
"I'm being vulnerable, you dickhead!"
Vulnerable, he knows, because it is used when there is a spot in playing formation that is weak, easy to attack. Shane is being weak for him, and he will not say anything that resembles an attack.
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