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“I’m not going and that’s really the end of this discussion!” Keith yelled as he stormed through the living room.
“Why are you being so unreasonable?! Do I really have no say in this?!” Lance shouted back as he followed after him. “Fuck, we’ve been living together for nearly a year now. It’s time you met my family.”
“I’ve met them plenty of times,” Keith pointed out as he whirled around, hands in the air.
Lance sighed deeply. “Okay, meeting my brothers and sisters is not the same. I mean, my whole family. My mom, my dad, my grandparents… and not as a friend.” Lance’s voice quieted as he finished, “As my boyfriend.”
That last part made Keith lower his arms and shrink back into himself. “Lance, you don’t understand. I can’t go.”
Lance groaned and his voice started to hitch up again, “Of course I won’t understand if you won’t explain it to me! What are you so afraid of? Sure, my parents are traditional, but they aren’t homophobic. Julia already brought her girlfriend over last summer, so it’s the perfect time. That’s why I’m telling you—“
“It’s not that!” Keith interrupted. “I’m… you… Augh, it’s not that,” Keith said, running his hands through his hair with frustration.
“Then what is it?!” Lance asked. “Why won’t you just talk to me?”
Finally, Keith snapped. “Would you just drop it already?! Is it really that important that I meet them?” The minute Keith spat out those words and saw Lance recoil, he knew he’d made a mistake. "No, Lance. I'm sorry. I didn't mean—I’m not..."
Lance gave a small smile but it didn't reach his eyes. “No, I get it. You’re right. I don’t know why I’m making such a big deal out of this, but I guess I just thought… I know you grew up without something to call a family, but lately I had been thinking that maybe we could be one. Together.” Laughing bitterly to himself, he said, "But you know what, forget it. It was stupid anyways.” He started to move away but Keith held him back by his arm.
“No, it’s not stupid. I want that, too. Please, just don’t make me do this,” Keith pleaded.
Lance gently put his hand on top of Keith’s and said softly, “You know I love you, but I love my family too.” He removed Keith’s hand from his arm and squeezed. “And being a part of my life means being a part of theirs, at least it does in my book. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?”
Keith opened his mouth and closed it again, trying to figure out a way to express all the feelings that were piling up in the pit of his stomach.
“Lance… I’m sorry,” he said finally.
“Me too, cariño. Me too,” Lance said, voice breaking as he kissed Keith’s forehead. And when he watched Lance walk away, Keith felt his heart break too.
“You sure you’ll be fine by yourself?” Shiro asked as he put away the last of the dishes.
Wiping his hands on a dish towel, Keith rolled his eyes. “For the last time Shiro, I’ll be fine. Just tell your parents I say hi.”
“If you say so…” Shiro said with clear hesitation as he slung his bag over his shoulder. “Call me if you need anything or if you change your mind. You’re always welcome over at our place.”
Keith tried his best to look upbeat as he said, “I know, but really I’ll be okay. Honestly, it’s just another day for me. You know I didn’t celebrate it much growing up.” Still seeing the concern on Shiro’s face, Keith softened. “Alright, so maybe it’s been a rough week, but that shouldn’t stop you from enjoying time with your family. I’ll manage. I always have.”
Shiro finally relented with a sigh. “Yeah, I know. But I can’t help worrying about you.” Wrapping his arms around Keith for a tight hug, Shiro said, “Seriously, don’t hesitate to call or text. I’ll come back in a heartbeat if you need me to.”
Keith squeezed back and said, “Thanks, Shiro. I mean it.”
“Don’t worry too much about Lance, alright? There are always a few bumps in every relationship. You’ll get through this.”
Keith exhaled forcefully. “I fucked up big time though. I wouldn’t be surprised if he just…” He trailed off, knowing his voice would start to shake if he attempted to finish his sentence.
Shiro stood back and locked eyes with Keith, “He’ll be back. I know Lance. Just give it some time.”
Nodding, Keith let go of Shiro and said, “I hope you’re right.”
“Me too, because if he’s around, you won’t try to explain your weird ass conspiracy theories to me instead.” Keith smacked his shoulder in response and Shiro laughed as he made his way out the door.
“Whatever, would you just get out of here already?” Keith huffed.
Looking over his shoulder, Shiro smiled and said, “Merry Christmas, Keith.”
Keith did his best to smile back when he said, “Merry Christmas.”
When the door clicked behind Shiro, Keith let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. He had been trying so hard to convince Shiro that he'd be okay on his own that for a second he almost believed it, but watching his car pull out and drive away brought the loneliness back at full force.
After their fight last week, Lance had wordlessly packed his bags as Keith sat in the living room, paralyzed. He knew what he needed to do but the words still caught in his throat, even when Lance hugged him goodbye. Even when he saw Lance give him that final look from Hunk’s car that screamed, “Please come after me,” he still stayed rooted at their door.
It was only after he had walked back into their room and saw half of Lance’s clothes cleared out that Keith had broken down crying. He didn’t remember calling Allura, but apparently he had been babbling incoherently about how Lance was going to leave him for good. It had taken full effort on Allura, Pidge, Coran, and Shiro’s part to reassure him that Lance was coming back. Even after they had managed to calm him down, they insisted on coming over right away. Keith knew he must’ve been a complete train wreck, but, thankfully, no one made him talk about it. It was only after Hunk returned from bringing a similarly inconsolable and sobbing Lance to the train station that Keith finally told everyone else what had happened. No one asked him why he didn’t want to meet Lance’s family, but he felt the weight of the unspoken question heavily on his shoulders. If he could answer that question, though, he wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place.
Still, it didn’t stop them from trying to help the two reconcile. Even as their group started to dwindle as people left for home for the holidays, they all tried to get him to at least call Lance and check up on him. Hunk had sworn up and down that Lance would pick up if Keith called, but he still refused.
“I don’t deserve to,” he had said, much to everyone’s concern.
At first they debated staying back and not going home, but Keith wouldn’t have it. Hunk had to go to Hawaii to see his huge extended family, the Holts had planned for ages to go to Poland to be with Pidge's mom's family for Hanukkah, and Allura and Coran were needed back in London to take care of Alfor. Shiro was the one who insisted most heavily on staying behind with Keith since he didn’t have any plane tickets booked, but Keith knew that his grandparents would be visiting for the first time in ten years. He made Shiro promise to at least go home for Christmas dinner. Keith couldn’t let himself ruin family time for not just one, but two of the most important people in his life because of his selfishness. He’d never forgive himself.
Drawing the curtains closed as Shiro’s car disappeared into the distance, Keith wandered back into the kitchen and opened the bottle of wine on the counter. Alcohol was probably a terrible idea given his current emotional state, but it was Christmas, he was alone, and he needed to forget.
He poured himself a generous glass and slid down to the floor. He’d had a lot of bad Christmases, but this one probably took the cake and it was all his fault. Idiot, he thought as he took a sip from his glass. I’m such a fucking idiot. And Lance tried so hard for us to have a nice Christmas together this year.
“Keith!! Wake up!!”
Groaning, Keith rolled over and found the space next to him empty. Blinking his eyes open, he looked up to see Lance peering down at him from above.
“GAH!” he screamed while Lance cracked up in response. “Oh Jesus, Lance. You nearly gave me a heart attack.”
Lance smirked. “I’m not sorry at all though, because guess what?!”
“What?” Keith deadpanned.
Flopping over his boyfriend in excitement, Lance cried, “It’s Christmas!!!!! Aren’t you so excited??”
Keith wheezed through his crushed lungs, “Lance, it’s only December 1st… Last time I checked, Christmas was December 25th, but hey, I could be wrong.”
Lance scoffed and replied, “Oh don’t be such a Grinch, babe. Everyone knows that Christmas technically lasts the whole month of December. Do you know how long it takes to do all the preparations?! Look, I already put up the lights in our room.”
Keith shifted his head and sure enough, there were delicate strings of lights hanging above the bed.
“Well, you’ve been busy this morning, haven’t you? How did you even do this without waking me up?”
Lance gave Keith a pointed look. “I could remodel our entire house while you were sleeping and you would have no idea.” Keith was about to retort, but Lance held a finger to his lips. “Shush, you know you won’t win that argument. Besides, there are more important things to do. We need to get a tree immediately!! Honestly, you should be proud of me for containing myself through November. If this was my family, we would’ve gotten the tree directly after Thanksgiving.”
“Wow, you are a paragon of self-control,” Keith teased.
Lance sloppily kissed Keith on the cheek, garnering a short giggle. “Damn straight. Now, get up. Our tree needs to be perfect. After all, it’s the first one that we’re having in our house.” Lance’s voice took on a more tender tone as he said “our house” while brushing Keith’s hair out of his face.
Keith smiled sweetly. “Can the perfect tree wait five more minutes?” he asked as he grabbed Lance’s waist and pulled him back into the bed.
“No! Keith!” Lance said as he struggled to free himself. “Even if you kiss my neck like that, I will not be swayed. We need to…” A well-placed kiss in Lance’s collarbone sent shivers down his spine. “Ugh, fine. Five more minutes. But then we are definitely going, do you hear mmmph…”
Looking down at his half-finished glass, Keith rubbed his temple as if willing the memories to go away, but the more he tried to think about other things, the more his mind went back to Lance.
“It’s fucking freezing.”
“Yes, welcome to winter, cariño. Things get cold sometimes,” Lance joked.
Keith frowned. “I hate it.”
“Aww, poor baby. I’ll keep you warm. The cold never bothered me anywaaaayyy,” Lance sung in a wobbly falsetto.
“If you break out into another Frozen song one more time, we’re through.”
Lance held his hands up in mock surrender. “Well, can’t have that can we? Not before we get our tree. Ooooh, look at the one!! What do you think?” Lance pointed at a medium-sized tree that looked pretty similar to every other tree in the lot.
“It’s a tree.”
“Again, your powers of observation astound me,” Lance said sarcastically. “But you’re right. There’s nothing that special about it. Let’s keep looking.”
Keith groaned. “Lance, they’re all trees. None of them is going to be special when they are bred to look the same. I bet they’re clones, honestly. Probably the work of the government to keep us all consuming more and buying into this Christmas cheer shit.”
Lance nodded absentmindedly. “Yes, yes. Government clones. That’s why we need to find the rebel non-clone tree.” Lance ran his eyes over the lot when something caught his eye. “That’s it! Keith, it’s perfect. Let’s go!!”
Keith looked around briefly. “What are you talking about? I don’t see any—oof!” Lance didn’t wait for Keith to finish and forcefully dragged him by the arm to his find. “Would you let go! Where the hell are we going?”
“To our tree!” Lance beamed back at Keith before turning his attention back to the task at hand.
Silently cursing Lance’s infectious smile, Keith laughed and let him lead the way. Our tree.
Keith held his empty glass up to the light. He really should stop here, but memories of Lance’s smile egged him on. As he was pouring himself more wine, he started to quietly sing under his breath.
I'll be home for Christmas
You can count on me
Please have snow and mistletoe
And presents on the tree
"Stop that! You're totally throwing off the balance of the whole thing!" Keith said as he smacked Lance's hand away from the tree.
"Shut up, pretty boy. It's a masterpiece."
"It's asymmetrical!"
"Your face is asymmetrical,” Lance retorted.
Keith smirked. “And who was calling me pretty boy just five seconds ago?”
Lance cheeks turned a faint pink. “It's just an expression.”
“Of course it is," Keith teased, only to get a face full of cotton in response.
"Alright put a sock in it, mullet. Let’s finish this Charlie Brown Christmas special.”
“I still have no idea what you’re talking about.”
Lance heaved a huge sigh. “Oh my god, you're such a Grinch."
Keith frowned. "Am not."
Lance poked his finger at the crease between Keith's eyebrows. "You totally are and I'm going to cure it. There's no one who knows el poder de la Navidad como yours truly."
"The what?"
Lance snorted. “Never mind, just pass me the little blue snowflakes.”
Keith did as he was told and watched as Lance hung the snowflakes on the tree with no regard to aesthetics.
“There are totally way too many snowflakes in that corner. You need another ornament to balance it out!” Keith complained.
“Christmas isn’t supposed to be symmetrical or balanced. Christmas is chaos is regla numero uno de la Navidad, Keef. You’re just salty because you like the little baubles better, but fine. Pass me the dinky little red things.” Keith handed Lance the box and took away the snowflakes so they couldn’t do any more damage.
“I think they’re cute,” Keith said under his breath, which earned him a quick kiss on the ear.
“Now that’s getting into the Christmas spirit! You’re learning.” Lance hung one more ornament and took a step back. “Now, we just need the finishing touch.” Grabbing the shimmery purple star out of the box, Lance asked Keith, “Would you do me the honor, my noble prince?”
Keith rolled his eyes, but laughed nevertheless. “Whatever you say, Lancelot.” Bending down, he nestled the star on the top of the tree.
“And then I’ll just turn on the lights and voila! It’s our perfect rebel, non-clone, asymmetrical, Charlie Brown Christmas special tree.” Wiping away a fake tear, Lance sniffled. “I’m so proud.”
Keith playfully shoved Lance away. “You’re such a dork.”
“Grinch,” Lance teased as he shoved back.
“Manchild.”
“Fun sucker.”
“Dingus.”
“Em—“ Lance started but then stopped abruptly. “Wait I love this song. Dance with me Keith!”
“You want me to what now?” Keith asked trying to back away.
“Dance, duh. C’mon it’s easy. Just mirror what I do.” Lance pulled Keith gently against his body and started to sing along with the song.
I'll be home for Christmas;
You can plan on me.
Please have snow and mistletoe
And presents on the tree.
Christmas Eve will find me
Where the love light gleams.
I'll be home for Christmas
If only in my dreams.
Keith closed his eyes and pressed his face against Lance’s chest, the steady beating of his heart and the vibrations from his singing lulling Keith into a comfortable rhythm. It felt safe and warm with the glowing lights of the tree and the soothing cadence of the singer’s voice.
It felt like home.
“Keith?”
“Mmm?”
“What do you think about coming home with me this Christmas?” Lance asked hesitantly.
Keith immediately stopped swaying. “What?”
Lance straightened and asked again, “Coming home with me this Christmas. You know, to meet my family.”
“Isn’t that… Don’t you think that’s kind of soon?”
Raising his eyebrows, Lance repeated, “Soon? We’ve been dating for three years Keith. I know we were worried at first, but I think my parents might actually be okay with it. So yeah, I was thinking…”
“No.”
Lance started. “What?”
Keith shook his head. “I mean, let me think about it okay? I was just surprised that’s all.”
Lance looked at Keith suspiciously, but Keith purposefully avoided eye contact, praying that Lance would drop the subject. Eventually, he did.
“Alright, but I really do want you to go. It’ll be fun. I promise.”
“Yeah, I'm sure,” Keith said lightly, but he could hear his heart echoing loudly in his chest.
His second glass empty, Keith groaned and stood up, feeling light-headed. That was probably enough for the afternoon. Staggering slightly, he put the glass and bottle back on the counter and stumbled over to the couch. As his eyes drifted shut, he started to sing again, voice shakier this time.
Christmas Eve will find me
Where the love light gleams.
I'll be home for Christmas
If only in my dreams.
“We are not done discussing this!”
“Yes, we are,” Keith said as he walked to the car.
Opening the passenger seat, Lance retorted, “No, we are not.”
Buckling his seatbelt, Keith sighed. “Lance, please. Can we just go to the mall already?”
“Not until you agree to go to see my family for Christmas. We are buying them presents so you have to come.”
“No I don’t. You can just give it to them for me,” Keith said with a shrug.
Lance scoffed. “And what? Leave you here alone on Christmas? Don’t be stupid, Keith. I’ve given you a week and a half to think about it.”
“And I thought about it!” Keith cried. “And my answer is no!”
“Did you really think about it? Because I think your answer has been no this whole time,” Lance spat out.
“Just because my answer isn’t what you want to hear doesn’t make it wrong. It’s still my answer. You can’t force me to go.”
Lance’s expression lost all its malice and suddenly he seemed a lot smaller. Keith reached out to touch him, but he shrank into his seat.
“I don’t want to force you to go. I want you to want to go,” he whispered.
Keith wanted so badly to grab Lance’s face and kiss him all over. Make him smile and laugh like he had the morning they got their tree. Tell him how much he loved him. But he knew it wasn’t the answer Lance was looking for.
“Let’s talk about this after we finish shopping,” Keith said as he started the car. “We’ll get them all something nice, okay?”
“Yeah, whatever,” Lance muttered.
Keith woke up with a start, head pounding. Putting his face in his hands, he heaved a shaky breath. His alcohol tolerance had always been pathetic, but this was a new low. Looking over at their tree in the corner, he felt tears prick his eyes. If he could do it again and dance with Lance by their tree one more time, he would gather the courage to say the things he needed to say.
He’d say yes this time.
He wondered what Lance and his family were doing right now. If it was anything like Lance and his siblings had described, they were probably trying out each other’s presents, preparing for the gingerbread house decorating contest, and singing at the top of their lungs. Despite himself, Keith smiled at the thought. He knew that Lance’s family would be every bit as fun and joyful as his boyfriend was and yet…
A loud chime echoed through the house and Keith looked up, startled. What time was it? Was it past dinner time already? Did Shiro come back to check on him?
Hoisting himself up from the couch, Keith padded over to the entrance, head still throbbing.
“You didn’t nee—“ Keith started to say as he opened the door, but he stopped in his tracks when he looked up and saw a figure clad in a blue puffy snow jacket turn to face the door.
“Hey, stranger.”
For a moment, Keith wondered if he was drunk enough to be hallucinating, but when he saw Lance’s shy smile and the casual shrug of his shoulders, he realized he had never been more sober in his life.
“Whoa!” Lance cried as Keith leapt onto him, sending them both crashing to the ground. “Keith, what the hell?”
Still mute from the shock, Keith just shook his head and gripped harder, some irrational part of him afraid that if he let go, Lance would disappear again.
“I missed you too, you giant doofus,” Lance said with a small chuckle. “I’m not going anywhere so can we get up now?”
Keith nodded and lifted himself off of Lance and held out his hand to help him get up. Lance took the hand gratefully and when he stood up, he took Keith into his arms as tightly as he could.
Keith relished in the warmth of being with Lance again but suddenly remembered what that implied. “What the hell are you doing here? Why aren’t you at home icing cookies and kicking Robbie’s ass in Monopoly?”
Shrugging, Lance replied, “I was, but…” He paused and scuffed his foot against the floor. “But no one should be alone on Christmas, especially you." Rubbing the back of his neck, Lance continued timidly, "And I’m sorry I left like that. I shouldn’t have pushed it so hard. I got carried away with how much I wanted to show you off to my family and it made me miss the bigger picture. I didn’t mean to make you so uncomfortable. When you’re ready we can talk about it, okay?” With that, he tenderly lifted Keith’s chin and pecked him lightly on the mouth. Licking his lips, he frowned. “Have you been drinking?”
Keith flushed. “I had two glasses of wine.”
“Oh, that’s not too bad.”
“I got trashed and passed out,” Keith admitted.
“What?!”
“I missed you, alright? And I thought…” Forcefully blinking back tears, Keith stammered, “Wait, Lance, no. I’m happy you’re here and I’m happy you are willing to wait for me to talk about it, but it’s not your fault. It’s all me. I should be the one apologizing. I’m the one who—“
Lance shushed Keith gently. “When you’re ready, amor. Take your time. I’ll be here.” Keith nodded so vigorously that Lance burst out laughing. “Don’t hurt yourself, babe.”
With a pout, Keith demanded, “The next time we fight, neither of us are allowed to leave until we resolve it. This was torture.”
“Deal,” Lance said amiably. “C’mon let’s get inside. It’s freezing out here and you’re wearing like zero clothes…”
For the first time, Keith looked at their surroundings and gasped. “When did it snow so much?!”
Lance cackled. “Wow you really did pass out. Why do you think it took me so long to get here? I wanted to be back this afternoon but the snow was so bad that I had to wait for the roads to clear.”
Staring up at the night sky littered with stars stark against the white snow, Keith whispered, “It’s amazing.”
“Yeah…” Suddenly, Lance beamed. “Well, go put on a jacket and some shoes. Let’s have a little Christmas fun then. I’m still not done teaching you about the wonders of Christmas. Go on,” Lance said as he lightly nudged Keith back inside.
Hurriedly grabbing a coat and boots, Keith stumbled outside while attempting to put on his second boot.
“Keith, come quick! I’ve never seen something so beautiful in my life!” Lance called as he looked up at the stars. Keith watched as Lance craned his neck to find constellations, before flopping over into the snow with a laugh.
Keith joined in with the laughter and followed Lance outside. Staring at him from above, Keith asked, “Aren’t you cold?”
Lance grinned wickedly. “Why don’t you find out?” he teased as he roughly yanked Keith down into the snow.
Shaking the snow from his head, Keith sighed. “Really?”
Lance simply giggled. “Oh lighten up and look at the stars with me. Isn’t the universe just breathtaking?” he asked, pointing up, but Keith thought to himself that he had already found the universe in the freckles that dusted Lance’s cheeks, the scattered snowflakes on his eyelashes, and the reflection of a sky full of stars in his eyes.
“Yeah, absolutely breathtaking,” Keith murmured, not tearing his eyes away from Lance who was blushing now.
“You’re such a sap at the weirdest moments,” Lance muttered to himself as Keith hoisted himself up and stared at Lance from above.
“I love you,” Keith murmured as he cradled Lance’s face in his hands.
“I love you, too,” Lance replied lazily as he nuzzled his face into Keith’s hand.
Before he could lose his courage, Keith blurted, “I’m no good with families. It hurts to watch them.”
Lance’s eyes widened but he didn’t say anything, just stroked Keith’s hand with his fingers and nodded to show he was listening.
Keith's eyes flitted about for a moment before he started hesitantly, “I… The reason why I didn’t want to meet your family isn’t for any of the reasons you were thinking about. The truth is… I was just so scared to meet them." Laughing nervously, he said, "In general, families make me nervous. Watching them interact together makes me wonder if I missed something integral about becoming a person. I know it’s not true, but it doesn’t mean it’s not hard to watch families bicker and cook and joke and love together when it’s something I never had. I’m always the outsider.”
Keith took a breath and focused on the rhythm of Lance rubbing his hand in his. “But now I’ve found a family with all of you and it’s amazing. I can’t imagine life without you and I feel like now I finally know what it’s like to be a part of something.” Keith smiled. “To feel loved. But there are some days, bad days, where I think about your ‘real’ families and wonder, if it was them or me, who would you choose? I know it’s an unfair question and I would never actually want you to choose, but I can’t help where my brain goes on some days. You say you love me now, but your family is so important to you, as it should be.”
Shivering in the cold, Keith continued, “Over time, I decided that the Lance I love would choose his mother over me every time. Hell, I would be angry with you if you chose me. I was content with that for a while, but then when you wanted me to meet your family, I panicked. When they were just an abstract concept, with a few siblings here and there, it didn’t really matter too much. But they’re real people with real opinions. If they didn’t like me, would you get rid of me just like that? I wasn’t sure and I didn’t want to find out. Not right away at least. So I ran from them and I ran from you. And for that, I’m so sorry,” Keith said as he bent down to kiss Lance deeply and slowly, drinking in every taste and smell and feeling he could.
Lance cupped Keith’s face in his hands and gradually broke them apart. “You were right when you said I wouldn’t understand. In a lot of ways, I can’t. I don’t know what it’s like to not have a family that loves me as a security blanket.” He tenderly kissed the corner of Keith’s mouth before continuing. “And I won’t make any promises about who I’d save first or who I’d choose, but know that I would risk my life to save any of you. My parents, my siblings, Shiro, Allura, Pidge, Hunk, Coran, and you,” Lance whispered the last word with so much care that it made Keith shudder.
“Like I said, I won’t make any false promises, but just know if I love you, my family will also love you. Keith, it’s impossible not to love you. If you can’t trust that you are worthy of love, at least trust that I have a good judge of character,” Lance said with a giggle. “And I chose you.”
Keith laughed along with him and brought their lips together again. “I can do that.”
Lance lightly nipped at Keith’s bottom lip and said, “Good.”
They kissed for a moment longer before Keith broke away and said shyly, “You know, if you still want to join your family for Christmas, we can probably go for at least a few days.”
Lance brightened. “Really?” he asked eagerly before adding, “Well, actually my mom is the one who convinced me to come back. She said if I was this much of a disaster, you must be someone really special. She said I had to fight for you and bring you back.”
Keith spluttered a laugh. “She said what?!”
Lance said through a snort, “Si quieres a un hombre, necesitas pelear contra el mundo por su corazón. ¿Entiendes, mijo?”
“I have no idea what you just said.”
Lance brought Keith’s face towards his and said confidently, “You will.”