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“Hello?” Castiel called, making his way down the stairs and into the main area of the bunker.
His lead on Lucifer had gotten him nowhere, and something had felt off, leading him to come back here. He couldn’t say why, but he felt like Dean had been half-praying to him, but the messages had come through so garbled, Castiel had no idea if it was a real prayer or stray thoughts. There were several times Dean’s thoughts about Cas had led him to accidentally send a prayer-like call. Needless to say, these times had often been moments of peril or despair.
The library was empty, but the lights were on. Castiel headed to the kitchen, where he was immediately greeted by the strong smell of whiskey. Sam was sitting at the table, half-heartedly eating pizza (which appeared several hours old and cold already) and Dean sitting on the floor, leaning against the counter, empty beer bottles next to him, and a bottle of whiskey in his hand.
“Hey Cas,” Sam greeted. The man looked broken, and Castiel could feel waves of sadness coming off of him.
But it was nothing compared to the range of upset emotions flowing from Dean -- anger, confusion, despair, and hopelessness swirled through him.
“What happened?” Cas asked, looking between them.
“Ah, Castiel, welcome,” Dean said (way too loudly, his speech a little slurred). He held up the whiskey bottle in a mock toast. “Castiel, Angel of the Lord, graces us with his presence again. Castiel, Angel of Leaving.”
“Dean --” Sam tried to cut in.
“What?” Dean cut him off. “It’s not like he’s gonna stay, Sammy. Sure, he’s here now, but by tomorrow he’ll have some other reason he has to leave. Again.” Dean smirked at Cas. “But you’re so good as it, why stop now?”
“Dean, enough.” Sam’s voice was hard.
“I, I don’t understand,” Cas said. He was so confused. Sure, he had left the other day to go hunt Lucifer, but he wasn’t sure why this was evoking such an angry reaction from his friend. He looked helplessly at Sam.
“Cas, just ignore him,” Sam said.
“Yeah, just ignore Dean,” Dean said from the floor. “It’s not like I have feelings or care about people. I’m just here to make sure there’s food on the table and sew up everyone’s wounds.”
“Dean, it’s not his fault --”
“What, that he left? You know, you’re right, Sammy.” Dean unsteadily climbed to his feet, and took a step towards a very confused Cas. “It’s just what he does. Comes and goes. Doesn’t care if anyone needs him here. Doesn’t care if anyone wants him here. We’re basically just a waystation for people who can tolerate us for a short time --”
“DEAN.” Sam stood up. “Enough. Cas, I’m sorry, he’s drunk and he’s upset about Mom --”
“What about Mary? Is she ok?” Castiel realized that the woman was nowhere to be seen and he couldn’t feel her presence in the bunker.
“Oh, she’s greatttt,” Dean slurred. “She must have spent too much time with you, though.”
“Dean, you’re done.” Sam made his way over to his brother. “Please, go to bed.” He looked at Cas. “She’s gone, Cas. I’ll… I’ll explain everything. Just, can you wait here a sec, I gotta shove this idiot to his room.”
It all made sense. Castiel’s heart hurt for the hunters. To have their mother back and then lose her --. He understand why Dean seemed to have consumed an entire liquor store in one sitting.
“Cas, please just wait here. I’ll be right back,” Sam said.
“He’ll probably --” Dean started, but Sam cut him off and dragged him from the kitchen.
Castiel stood in the kitchen, frozen to the spot. In all his travels, in all the time he had spent with the Winchesters, he had never considered that Dean would be this angry about his leaving them on occasion. He loved spending time with them, but sometimes he had his own business to take care of. He wondered immediately why Mary Winchester had left. Surely, after being reunited with her children, this was a very strange choice to make. He knew she had been having trouble adjusting to life back on earth, in the bunker, with her sons now grown … but leaving seemed a bit, well, harsh.
Sam returned to the kitchen, and only now did Cas realize he was also inebriated, though nowhere near as badly as Dean. Sam stumbled back into a chair and motioned for Cas to join him.
“Your mother left?” Castiel prompted.
Sam nodded, his jaw set, probably masking the fact he looked ready to cry. “Yeah, Mary, uh, she… We got back from the hunt and she told us she missed John, and missed her boys -- her, uh, younger baby boys, and that she needed some time. And then she left. And we uh … well.”
“Oh, Sam, I am so sorry,” Cas said. He was unsure how to help his friend, but he knew that sometimes humans just needed someone to talk to. He did know a thing or two about parents disappearing, so he felt he could empathize with the hunters.
“I’m sorry about Dean. He’s taking it really badly, Cas. I think it, it brought up a bunch of feelings he doesn’t want to deal with. He’s not mad at you, you just walked in at the worst moment and so he used you as his punching bag. Just give him some time, he’ll come around.”
“How are you, Sam?”
Sam shrugged. “Honestly, I don’t even know. I feel … I wish Mary hadn’t left, I’m trying to understand, but I don’t. I feel cheated out of time with her, like, I never even got know her as a child and now that she’s here … she’s gone. I just, I thought we would going to be a family or something. I thought maybe for once we could catch a break and things could turn out ok.”
They lapsed into silence, and Sam eventually excused himself to go sleep.
“Cas? I know you wanna find the devil and all, and I’m sure Dean’s outburst tonight doesn’t help, but if you could stick around for a few days?” He let the question hang in the air. “Please? We, uh, we’re short on numbers and we could use all the family we got.”
“Of course, Sam. I will stay as long as you need me here.”
***
Dean woke up with a bitch of a headache. He groaned, rolling over slowly and forcing himself out of bed and to a shower. He returned to his room to find Castiel waiting for him, a cup of coffee in hand, which he gave the hunter with a small smile.
“Hey, Cas, thanks.” Dean took a few sips of the coffee before finally looking at the angel. “Look, Cas, about last night --”
“I owe you an apology, Dean,” Castiel interrupted.
“You owe --. Wait. I think we remember last night very differently.”
Cas smiled. “That’s probably true. But regardless, I am sorry.” He took a few steps closer, hovering near Dean, unsure how to say this. “I care very deeply about you, and I never meant to hurt you by leaving. I realize that what I consider protecting you by putting space between us, could be seen as an abandonment or a comment on our friendship.”
Dean was trying to shut it all down, as usual, playing it off casually. “Cas, I wasn’t mad at you --”
“You were,” Cas interrupted. “And that’s ok. You don’t have to hide how you’re feeling from me, Dean. I can usually sense it anyway. I realize that some of your anger last night was directed elsewhere and I got caught in the crossfire, but I also know that you were truly upset with me. And for my part in that, I am sorry.”
Dean looked down. “She left.”
“I know.”
“What did I do?”
Castiel knew this man so well. He had rebuilt him, had seen his inner doubts and feelings. Like many humans with the type of childhood Dean had had, left to fend for himself and his brother, feeling abandoned by his parents, he assumed the events were solely his fault.
Cas stepped closer, laying a gentle hand on Dean’s shoulder. “It’s not your fault, Dean. You’re not responsible for everyone’s actions.”
“She left.”
“It was her choice. Perhaps she will return.” Cas knew the moment he said it, that his words were not helpful.
“Right, like you always come back,” Dean bit out.
“Dean --”
“You leave, you come back. There’s no pattern, no sense to it. If you don’t want to be here, Cas, don’t.” Dean tried to shove the angel back from him, but Cas stood his ground. “Seriously, go.” Dean stood up, placing his arms against Cas’s shoulders and attempting to push him back again. “Why even bother stopping in here, when we both know you’re gonna take off again?”
Dean shoved him harder, Cas stood his ground.
“Just go,” Dean repeated, slamming his fist into Cas’s chest.
“Dean --”
“Leave.” Another fist.
“No.”
“Go.” Dean pushed him again.
“I’m not leaving, Dean. I am sorry I didn’t realize before what my absence does --”
“Get the fuck out of here.” Dean slammed his fists into Cas’s chest. “Just go!”
“No.”
“Go, Cas.”
Cas shook his head sadly, watching the emotional torture Dean was in.
“GET OUT!” Dean shouted, slamming himself into Cas.
Cas seized the moment, wrapping his arms around the hunter and holding on tightly.
“No, stop. Go.” Dean shifted, trying to free himself from Cas’s grasp. His voice was breaking and tears flowed down his cheeks. “Just go, Cas, everyone does. Everyone leaves. Why don’t you just go?”
Castiel held him tightly, refusing to let go. “I’m here, Dean. I’m here. I’m not leaving.” He clung to the hunter, letting his grace create a warm blanket around them, trying to quiet Dean’s mind. “I’m not leaving you. I’m here.”
The hunter stopped fighting, he collapsed into Cas, sobbing, his body shaking. Cas gently guided him to the bed and they sat together, Dean crying against Cas, and the angel’s arms holding him close.
“Cas?” Dean eventually said, his voice gone and his breath coming in sharp spurts.
“I’m here.”
“Please don’t leave,” Dean whispered. He looked up at the angel, his eyes pleading desperately. “Please don’t leave me.”
Castiel hugged him closer. “I won’t. I promise. I’m not leaving you. I’m here.”
“Please, don’t leave,” Dean whispered again.
“I’m here,” Castiel said quietly. “I’m here.”