Archive of Our Own ^beta

vic & adam

Whenever Robert has mentioned to people that he’s from the Yorkshire Dales, he’s gotten some form of the same response: it must've been so peaceful to grow up in such a nice place, you must miss it every day. Robert has never found it in him to correct them, since they always mean well and couldn’t possibly know that leaving the Dales was one of the best decisions he’s ever made.

He hasn’t been back in almost ten years. Not when his dad had his heart attack, not when Andy had his breakdown and they lost the farm. Diane had called both times, begging him to come home and help sort the family out, but Robert had adamantly refused; they had kicked him out, making it very clear that he wasn’t wanted, so they could sort out their own messes as far as he was concerned.

Yet here he is, in his car, driving past hills and fields he still knows like the back of his hand, returning to the place he’d sworn he’d never come back to, all to make his little sister happy. Robert Sugden has a heart, who’d’ve known.

When he left, Victoria had been one of the things Robert had missed the most. His baby sister, who was still so little and wouldn’t understand why her brother was gone from one day to the next. His baby sister, who had reached out to him out of the blue on his twenty-sixth birthday and slowly wormed herself into his life to the point where she had convinced him to come to her wedding.

He’s met Adam, the bloke that’s somehow convinced his sister to marry him, once, when Vic took him with her when she came down to London to visit Robert. He’s nice; a farmer (much to Dad’s great delight), dumb in an endearing sort of way and head-over-heels in love with Vic. His sister can do better, Robert’s sure of it, and getting married at the ripe old age of twenty-one wouldn’t have been his choice for her, but Vic wouldn’t let herself be talked out of it, only digging her heels in further when pushed, so Robert had had to drop it.

It’s fine, and if not fine, not the end of the world.

The village feels smaller than he remembers it, yet the pressure that mounts over his chest as he drives up Main Street is large and almost unbearably heavy. The place looks the same as it did ten years ago, almost eerily so, like it's been frozen in time all these years.

Robert parks the car outside the Woolpack and takes a final look at himself in the rear-view mirror. He looks good, if he’s allowed to say so himself; hair softly quiffed to frame his face, the grey button up complimenting the burgundy suit perfectly. Robert looks himself in the eyes and feels his jaw tighten slightly before it relaxes and a confident grin takes its place.

It’s just one day. He can handle his family for one day. For Victoria’s sake.

There’s a crowd of people gathering outside the church as Robert approaches. Faces, new and old, all gathered for Vic’s big day. Robert wills his heart to slow down, forces it to stop beating hard against his chest as he closes the distance.

He sees his family by the door. Diane, fussing over the way John has tied his tie. Andy next to her, Katie on his arm.

Something twists in Robert’s gut when he sees her. The news of Andy and Katie’s recent reconciliation had sent Robert’s head for a spin, even though he had assured Victoria that it was nothing to him, that he was long since over Katie and that he was happy for her and Andy. It hadn’t been a total lie, but it hadn’t been the whole truth either.

She looks beautiful, dressed in a floor length green dress that matches Andy’s tie and pocket square, blonde curls cascading down her shoulders. She’s smiling, and Robert is reminded of all the reasons he had loved her once. Seems like what they say is true - you never quite get over your first love.

But he’s not here for that. As tempting as the thought is, he’s not actually here to cause any trouble.

“This where the wedding is?” he calls out, causing more than a few heads to turn and look at him.

Robert tries to read the reactions on his family’s faces; Diane is shocked, but happy; Andy’s happy too, but more wary; John looks as unimpressed as ever; Katie’s grip on Andy’s arm tightens, her eyes uncertain. Not exactly a warm welcome.

“Robert!” Diane is the first to leap into action, closing the distance between them and giving him a hug. Robert returns it, determined to be on his best behaviour.

“Y'alright, Diane?” he asks, keeping a hand on Diane’s arm as he turns to his brothers, giving them both a nod. “Andy. John.”

“You came,” John notes flatly, crossing his arms. “We weren’t sure you would.”

Robert has to use all his willpower to not roll his eyes. “Vic asked me to come.”

“Hasn’t stopped you before.”

“Lay off, John,” Andy cuts in, reaching out a hand towards Robert. “It’s good to see you, Rob.”

Robert takes it, deciding not to note how strange it is to shake your brother’s hand as if you’re strangers. “You too, Andy.” He turns to Katie, flashing her a smile that he hopes reads as sincere. “I heard you two were back together. Congratulations.”

Katie purses her lips. “No need to be cruel, Robert.”

“I’m not.” Robert raises his hands. “I’m genuinely happy for you. You’ve been around the bend and realised that you deserve each other, so maybe this time it'll stick.”

“You what?” Andy takes a step towards Robert, but Katie puts a hand on his chest to stop him.

“Don’t. He’s not worth it.”

Robert chuckles. “Bad joke, sorry.”

Diane sighs. “Can’t you all just get along today? For Victoria’s sake.”

“Agreed,” John says. “This is Vic’s big day, she doesn’t need any additional stress.”

Robert and Andy exchange a quick glance, and for once, Robert is grateful that they know each other so well, because he knows just what Andy’s thinking; typical John, always prepared to suck up and play the good son, placing himself above the sibling infighting even though he’s very much been part of it over the years, all to make himself stand out and get their dad’s approval.

He could snap back at John. Tell him that he’s not the adult in the room, as much as he likes to pretend that he is, and that he’s not the only one there that cares about Vic. Throw in a comment about still not fitting in despite being an official Sugden for over a decade for good measure, that would get at Andy too. Maybe he should mention the ex-boyfriend - Aidan, if memory serves - to really twist the knife.

But John is right, as annoying as that fact is. Robert had told himself upon arrival that he would play nice, and he’d known that that would include swallowing more than one comment about both of his brothers. He’s already toed that line with what he’d said to Katie, so he has to be on his best behaviour now.

They’ve only been talking for about two minutes, but Robert has already been reminded of why he hasn't came back to Emmerdale before now. It’s exhausting, stepping into a role that no longer fits him, having to watch his words and actions in ways he doesn’t in his regular life.

“Are we heading inside or what?” he says, cutting the tension that's starting to rise within the group. He lets Diane and John head inside the church first, slowly trailing behind them up the aisle.

The church doesn’t wash the same amount of nostalgia over him as the rest of the village had done, which isn’t strange considering how new the building had been when he left. It makes it easier to breathe, since religious institutions in general make Robert a little uneasy, for reasons he’d deny if asked.

Adam is already standing up by the altar, surrounded by what must be his family. Robert recognises Cain Dingle, and remembers Vic telling him that Cain is now married to Adam’s mother, a dark haired woman wearing a blue dress that’s cut so low that Robert’s surprised she was allowed in. Apart from Cain, however, the faces surrounding Adam are all new, and if he manages to keep his interactions with them at a minimum, the day will have been a success.

His plans are immediately derailed.

“Robert, mate!” Adam lights up when he spots him, stepping down from where he’s standing to bring Robert into an aggressively lad-like hug. “So glad you could make it! Mum, this is Vic’s brother Robert.”

The dark haired woman comes over, smiling kindly. “Moira,” she introduces herself as, with a lovely Scottish drawl that takes Robert a little by surprise.

“Pleasure to meet you. So it’s your boy that’s swept our Vic off her feet, eh?”

Moira chuckles. “Looks that way, though I think it was Vic that did most of the sweeping. She’s a good one, your sister.”

“She is.” A warm sensation spreads through Robert’s chest as Moira talks about Vic. There’s something deeply maternal about her, and it reminds Robert a little too much of his own mother. Vic is lucky if this is her new mother-in-law.

Adam fiddles nervously with his hands and checks his watch, which immediately has Moira place a calming hand on his arm. “He’ll be here, don’t worry.”

“Who are we waiting for?” Robert can’t stop himself from asking. He’d spotted a burly, square jawed man in the group surrounding Adam that he assumes is his father, so unless he’s mistaken that’s not who they’re waiting for. A brother, maybe?

“My best man,” Adam says, eyes fixated on the doors, “he’s got the- there he is! Mate, what took you so long?!”

Robert turns to follow Adam’s gaze, letting it land on the young man that hurries up to them. He’s dressed in a navy-coloured suit that matches Adam’s and his dark hair is styled with too much gel and his eyes are the most beautiful shade of blue that Robert has ever seen.

It feels sinful, for a man to look at another man inside a church the way Robert does now. Despite the suit, there’s an edge to this guy that tells Robert that if allowed to choose, he’d go for something less dressy, and that he’s not afraid of getting his hands dirty. The thought stirs dangerously in Robert’s gut, which has him half prepared to burst into flames.

“I’m sorry,” the man says, a little out of breath. "Mum asked me to check on the food and then Vic lost her necklace so we all had to help look for it. But it’s all sorted, don’t worry.”

Adam nods, his shoulders visibly relaxing. “Okay. And you’ve got the rings, right?”

The man pats his chest pocket. “Locked and loaded.”

“Great,” Adam grins, turning back to Robert, “Robert, I’d like you to meet Aaron, my best mate and best man. Aaron, this is Robert, Vic’s brother.”

“Pleasure.” Robert reaches out his hand - maybe a touch too fast.

Aaron nods slowly, his eyes sweeping over Robert as they shake hands. “Vic talks about you a lot.”

Robert chuckles lightly, though he feels weirdly awkward under Aaron’s gaze. “Hopefully just the good stuff.”

“Of course!” Adam interjects, dunking Robert in the back. “She adores you, Rob.”

Undeservedly, Robert thinks bitterly, but still offers Adam a smile that doesn’t show his annoyance at his conversation (could it even be called that yet?) with Aaron being interrupted.

Just as he turns back to Aaron to speak, an excited hush spreads through the room. In a flash, Aaron grabs Adam and pulls him up to the altar, leaving Robert alone at the top of the aisle. He quickly shuffles into the pew on the second row, standing next to Diane just as the wedding march starts playing.

Victoria looks beautiful. Her hair is pulled back in a knot at the back of her head, a few well placed strands framing her face. Her dress is simple yet elegant, with long sleeves that make her look a little like royalty. She’s holding on to their dad’s arm tightly, her eyes fixated on Adam as they slowly make their way up the aisle.

Their dad gives Vic’s hand a kiss before letting her go, and it’s only when he turns around that Robert realises that the only available seat is the one next to him.

“Dad,” he mutters under his breath once they sit down, once again having to force his heart to stop beating in his ears.

“Robert.” Jack’s tone is flat and unemotional - very reminiscent of John. “I didn’t think you’d show.”

Robert’s jaw clenches. “I wouldn’t let Vic down.”

They’re interrupted by the vicar - still Ashley Thomas, somehow - starting the ceremony, so Robert has to guess what Jack was going to say next. Probably not anything nice.

Robert knows that Jack resents him for staying away for so long, even though it had been him that had told him to go, that day when everything went tits up and Robert had finally made one mistake too many. He’d been told to never come back then, but that had only lasted until the family was in trouble - then they expected him to come back and bail them out time and time again and he was somehow the villain for upholding his end of the original bargain.

To stop himself from spinning out over the unfairness of life and his dad's imposing presence next to him, Robert’s eyes drift from Adam and Vic and settles on Aaron, who’s sitting on the edge of the first row on the other side of the aisle. He shouldn’t, he’s being too obvious with it, but Aaron is pulling him in like a magnet and he can’t tear his eyes away.

Even from a distance, Robert can make out the tears in Aaron’s eyes. He’s smiling, practically beaming with joy and pride. It’s clear to anyone who’d bother to look how much he loves Adam, and the smile he gives Victoria when he hands Adam the rings tells Robert that he must love her too.

He tries to think back to if there’s been any mentions of Aaron during his conversations with Vic. He remembers mentions of Adam’s best mate, but only in passing, so he can’t fall back on any useful information that might aid a future conversation.

The ceremony is over almost before it began, and suddenly, everyone is standing, happily applauding as Adam and Vic make their way down the aisle, hand in hand and newly married. Robert is pulled outside along with the rest of the crowd, and it’s all a bit of a blur because before he knows it, he’s stepping through the doors to the Woolpack, where music and happy faces greet him.

He’s pulled from conversation to conversation, all of them a mixture of yeah, it’s been a while and no, I’m not seeing anyone at the moment and enough to get by. There’s too many faces, too many people with too much history, and Robert feels like he’s being put under a microscope, poked and prodded as they try to uncover what he desperately wants to keep hidden.

There’s a break when Vic and Adam arrive - everyone’s attention is pulled in the same direction, which gives Robert time to breathe. He retreats to the booth in the corner, watching silently as the young couple are congratulated by friends and family, their hands intertwined through it all. They’re the picture of young love, and Robert’s chest aches with affection and something conspicuously close to jealousy.

He wouldn’t go so far as to call Vic’s life easy. She’s been through her fair share of troubles, all kicked off by her mum dying when Vic was still too small to have formed proper memories of her. But at least she was loved through it all; the baby of the family, the girl, doted on and cared for by everyone, happily gathering to celebrate her and the love she’s chosen for herself. Maybe they’d gather for Robert too, but he doubts they’d do it with the same amount of joy.

The hints of resentment vanish into thin air when Victoria’s eyes meet his from across the room, and she finally lets go of Adam’s hand to make her way over to him, practically throwing herself into his arms as he stands up to greet her.

“I can’t believe you’re actually here!” she exclaims, one arm wrapped tightly around his shoulder.

“As if I’d be anywhere else,” Robert smiles, taking in the expression on his little sister’s face when she pulls away to look at him. Her big green eyes are full of wonder, like they were when she was a kid and he’d put together elaborate stories just to make her laugh. He’s not sure he deserves that look still.

“So,” he continues, hiding his thoughts behind a smile, “how do you feel, Mrs. Barton?”

Vic giggles, and Robert wants to wrap her in bubble wrap and hide her away somewhere, out of harm’s way.

“I’m so happy, Robert,” she says, her eyes a little wet. “I didn’t know it was possible to be this happy.”

“Sounds like this wedding is a success then.” Robert hugs her again, taking in the flowery smell of her before letting her go, not wanting to keep her when there’s so many people are still clambering for her attention.

He slips back into the crowd, somehow ending up in conversation with John, Andy, their dad and their Auntie Val. Val is the life of the party, as always, which means that she's already several more drinks in than everyone else.

“So, when will we see you and Katie tie the knot then?” she says teasingly to Andy, not letting him form a response before moving on to John and Robert. “And we need to find you someone for you two as well. A nice girl for Robert and a good bloke for John, don't that sound just delightful?”

John shifts a little on the spot and gives her a placating smile. “Oh, that’s sweet of you, Val, but I’m not looking for anything at the moment.”

Robert throws a quick glance at their dad, taking notice of the tension in his jaw. Robert hadn’t been there when John came out, but Vic had given him the rundown; eighteen-year-old John coming out in front of everyone in the pub in dramatic fashion, the months of tension between Jack and John that had followed, eventually mellowing out into what the rest of the village views as quiet acceptance, Jack finally coming around and being so supportive of his gay son when he finally got himself a boyfriend.

But Robert knows better. John probably does too.

Jack Sugden isn’t homophobic, at least not to the point where he would disparage friends and strangers for being gay. But he is still a farmer, old-fashioned and traditional, and having one of his sons - his own flesh and blood - be gay, a queer, that's a pill too hard to swallow.

Robert had bore the brunt of it, the pain of hard leather on his back still felt all these years later. In a way, he’s glad that John never had to go through that, and that Jack had been forced to reevaluate at least some of his thinking and play the supportive dad until, maybe, it stops being an act.

But Robert doubts that he’d do the same if he found out just what Robert’s London life looks like. He’d turn his nose up at Robert’s occasional visits to gay bars, would probably feel sick at the thought of Robert finding pleasure at the hands of a man. He probably thinks that he beat the gay out of Robert, managed to course correct in time, so at least the son he raised from birth turned out right. So whatever relief Robert feels at his little brother being spared the experience of an intrafamilial gay-bashing is weighed up by the resentment over John getting the supportive treatment that he will never be entitled to.

He’s ripped from his thoughts when Val excitedly grabs Aaron, who’s just walking past, holding on to him tightly as she speaks. “Aaron, why don’t you take our John out for a drink sometime? You’d have a grand old time, I’m sure of it.”

Both Aaron and John look incredibly uncomfortable, in a way that has Robert raising an eyebrow. So Aaron is gay too then. Interesting.

“Really, Val,” John tries again, “there’s no need for that.”

“Yeah,” Aaron agrees, shaking himself free of Val’s grip, “if I wanted your help, Val, I’d ask for it.”

His eyes meet Robert’s for half a second before he walks off through the doors to the outside, which is enough to make Robert’s throat go dry. He doesn’t let it show - or least he hopes he doesn’t - but Aaron stirs a want in him that’s dangerous in a place like this, where no one can know or even suspect the thoughts going through Robert’s head.

And yet, despite the danger, he can't keep himself from indulging that want. Instead, he quickly excuses himself and waits for about a minute before slipping through the doors as well, grateful for the fresh September air that helps soothe his nerves a bit.

He finds Aaron around the corner, leaned up against the wall with a cigarette between his fingers. The afternoon sun is lighting up his face, bringing out those rough edges Robert wants to rub himself against.

“Spare one?” he asks, slowly approaching and nodding towards the cigarette.

Aaron looks him up and down, crinkling up his nose before reaching into his breast pocket and pulling out a cigarette packet, tossing it to Robert, who hopes that it doesn’t show that he hasn’t smoked in years.

“Got a light?”

He’d hoped that Aaron would help him with it, lean in close as Robert pulls the smoke down into his lungs so he can get a closer look at his face, but Aaron just tosses the lighter at him so he has to do it himself.

They stand there in silence, sizing each other up as Robert takes another drag. “You’re allowed to speak, you know,” he says, letting his lips curl with just the right amount of teasing.

“And what am I supposed to say, exactly?” Aaron snorts. “You came up to me, you do the talking.”

“Fine.” Robert rolls his eyes a little, intrigued by how charmed he is by Aaron’s prickly demeanour. “You said Vic talks about me a lot, but she’s barely mentioned you to me. So what’s your story?”

“My story?”

“Yeah. Who are you? How’d you end up here? I don’t remember you from when I lived here, so you weren’t born here.”

Aaron shakes his head. “My mum lives here. Runs the pub with Diane.”

Robert frowns, doing the maths in his head. “Wait. You’re Chas’ boy.”

He remembers a young boy coming to visit Chas back in the day, it was all anyone could talk about at the time. He should’ve known that Aaron's a Dingle, it’s written all over him if you know what to look for.

“Yeah.” Aaron’s eyes narrow. “That a problem?”

Now it’s Robert’s turn to shake his head. “Not at all - big fan of Chas, me. Sorry about Val, by the way; she means well, but she can be a bit much.”

“I know.” Aaron takes another drag of his cigarette, Robert’s eyes follow his chest as he inhales.

“So John’s not your type then?”

Aaron snorts again. “Been there, done that.”

So that’s how it is. “My brother not up to your standards?”

“Weird question.”

“I’m just saying,” Robert smirks, leaning in closer to Aaron, “that our John has always been a bit lacking. But subpar performances aren’t genetic, fortunately.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker down to his lips, something dark falling over his features. “Really?”

“Really.”

“And you can prove that?”

“I can.”

Aaron nods slowly. “Why don’t you come to the back room later? Put your money where your mouth is.”

Robert cocks his eyebrows. “I'd love nothing more.”

Aaron’s gaze lingers on his lips before he pushes himself off the wall, putting out the cigarette under his foot before going back inside without another word. Robert stays behind, finishing his own cigarette and taking the time to get his head on straight.

He's playing a high-stakes game. If he’s looking for a shag, there’s safer places to go. But maybe it’s the risk of it that’s so enticing, or maybe he’s so deeply fascinated by Aaron that he has to get close to him and feel him under his hands. Whatever it is, Robert’s too far gone by now, it’s too late to back out. And the thing is, he doesn’t even want to.

He’s almost immediately greeted by Katie’s frowning face when he goes back inside. “Where were you?”

“Went outside for some air, if that’s alright with you.”

“Are you up to summat?” Katie’s eyes narrow, and she crosses her arms. Robert gets a strange impulse to reach out and rub out the line between her eyebrows with his thumb. 

“Me?” he gasps instead, holding his hands to his chest in mock offence. “Oh, you know me, Katie. I’m innocent as a lamb.”

“I do know you,” Katie sighs, “which is why I’m asking.”

“Well, don’t you worry your pretty little head about it.” Robert tilts his head slightly. “I’m on my best behaviour. Like Johnnyboy said, it’s Vic’s big day, and I’m not looking to ruin that.”

Katie rolls her eyes. “Right, and we all gotta follow John's example.”

Robert can’t help but laugh. “No warm feelings, I take it?”

“We don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things, let’s leave it at that.”

It shouldn’t be surprising that Katie and John don’t get along. Katie's headstrong and no-nonsense, those qualities were always bound to clash with John's silver tongue and slippery form.

“Is there a problem here?”

Katie and Robert both turn, the voice of Jack Sugden pulling their attention. Of course he’d make his way over - he’s probably worried that Robert’s halfway to getting his hands up Katie’s dress, as if neither Robert nor Katie are able to control themselves if left alone for too long.

“Should there be?” he asks, instantly defensive.

“Can never be sure with you involved,” Jack replies coolly, and out of the corner of his eye, Robert sees Katie’s lip twitch.

Robert sighs. “Well, no need to worry, Dad, it’s all well and good here, no need to hover. I’m not a child, I don’t need looking after.”

Jack purses his lips disapprovingly, and it takes more effort than Robert wants to admit to keep up eye contact. Despite being basically the same height now, he still feels small under his father’s gaze, like a disobedient child about to be disciplined. He has to remind himself that he can fight back now, should it come to that. And most importantly, he can leave. If things pop off, he can simply leave and keep living by the promise he made almost ten years ago, not sparing his family or his father another thought for the rest of his life.

The tension is cut by the announcement of the first dance, Adam and Vic taking centre stage and swaying together to some love song Robert has never heard. Afterwards, more people join in on the impromptu dance floor and the party really gets going.

Drinks are consumed, speeches are made (Robert barely listens to Jack’s, suddenly desperate for the bogs), and day slowly turns into night. Vic has forced all three of her brothers to dance with her, and seeing Andy awkwardly try to keep up with the upbeat song Vic chooses for them has Robert laughing, not out of malice but genuine affection. It reminds him of a simpler time, when they’d put on a random CD and come up with some elaborate dance routine to show to their parents at the end of the day, like they were a normal family with regular problems.

Robert keeps tabs on Aaron through it all, always hyper-aware of where he is at any given time. He notes when the suit jacket comes off and smiles amusedly at the several attempts it takes Adam to get him to dance and the light swaying he does in the corner while Adam goes nuts around him once he’s finally convinced. It’s almost too endearing.

He’s not sure what time it is when Aaron suddenly looks at him with a look in his eye that can only mean one thing. He passes by Robert and disappears behind the bar, gone in a flash. Robert tries to follow his example, slowly making his way towards the door so he can sneak out and go around the back, aided by the loud music and the drunk buzz that lets him slip out unnoticed.

Aaron’s quick to let him through the door, grabbing him by the wrist and pulling him up the stairs before Robert can so much as get a word in. He pulls him into the room on the left of the stairs, pushing Robert up against the door as soon as it shuts.

“Someone’s eager,” Robert teases, lifting a hand to cradle the back of Aaron’s head.

“Shut up,” Aaron mutters, pulling Robert close by the waist as he smashes their lips together.

Aaron tastes like beer and cigarettes and his hands are rough where they’re grabbing Robert’s waist under his suit jacket. He licks into Robert’s mouth, his tongue warm and addictive and Robert feels like his knees are about to give out from that alone.

He pushes Aaron into the room, backing him up until they hit the bed, manoeuvring them so that Aaron is laying flat on his back with Robert straddling his hips. He quickly discards his suit jacket, letting out a moan when Aaron grabs his tie to pull him back in.

They roll over, Aaron now on top, grinding down on Robert’s hips as he nibbles at the skin of Robert’s neck. Robert lets his hands roam all over Aaron, squeezing wherever he can reach and catching his lips again, eager for another taste.

Robert roughly gets Aaron’s tie over his head, but only manages to get two shirt buttons undone before Aaron stops him, covering his hands with his own and pressing them to his chest. “Wait.”

Robert frowns. “Everything okay?”

Aaron chews on his lip, clearly thinking something over. “I just … let me do it.”

Robert nods, letting his hands fall to settle at Aaron’s hips as Aaron slowly starts unbuttoning his shirt. Robert takes the opportunity to indulge in the view; Aaron looks gorgeous on top of him, his hair already dishevelled and his cheeks flushed, like a drug Robert can't wait to lose himself in.

He’s a bit distracted once Aaron’s shirt comes off.

Aaron’s stomach and arms are covered in scars, long and short indents cut across his skin. It looks like he’s been through a shredder, but something tells Robert that it's no accident that Aaron looks like this. These are self-inflicted wounds, something he’s done to himself for some unfathomable reason that Robert can’t even begin to figure out.

He looks up at Aaron’s face, and sees the uncertainty in his eyes. That won’t do, so he pushes himself up so he can take Aaron’s face in his hands and kiss him, more tenderly than before. Aaron relaxes into his touch, which lets Robert breathe a little easier.

Robert runs his hands down Aaron’s chest and around his torso, pressing their bodies closer together as the kiss grows hungrier, Aaron’s own hands getting Robert’s shirt open too.

“Can I fuck you?” Robert breathes against Aaron’s mouth, stupid with want.

Aaron nods, and Robert already feels high.

He flips them over again, running a hand down Aaron’s torso to palm him through his trousers while he places kisses down his neck to his collarbone, sucking lightly on the skin and making Aaron whine under him. They should probably be more quiet, there’s still a whole party going on downstairs, but Aaron is making the most beautiful noises that Robert has ever heard and he wants to draw out as many of them as he can.

Shoes and trousers and underwear come off and then they’re tangled together, naked and sweaty and desperate. Robert loses track of time, the only thing that feels real being Aaron’s skin under his hands and the way Aaron clenches when Robert gets the angle just right.

Just as the tension is building and Robert is about to fall into full delirium, there’s a sound outside the door. Footsteps coming up the stairs.

Robert and Aaron both freeze, not moving a muscle in fear of making a noise that’ll bring the wrong kind of attention. A door opens somewhere outside, and after what feels like an eternity, the footsteps descend the stairs again.

Robert exhales, nuzzling his face into the crook of Aaron’s neck. “Fuck, that was close.”

Aaron runs a hand through his hair, tugging slightly at the roots, sending goosebumps down Robert’s spine. He doesn’t say anything, just rolls his hips to get Robert going again, and Robert’s more than eager to oblige.

After, it’s a little awkward. Robert knows that he should get dressed and head back downstairs, he’s already been missing for far too long, but Aaron’s arm over his shoulders is weighing him down, keeping him in place and he doesn’t really want to leave.

“So?” he muses instead, pressing a kiss to the mark he left on Aaron’s collarbone. “Did I deliver, or what?”

Aaron rolls his eyes, a playful smile on his lips. “You’re right cocky. But yeah, it wasn’t half bad.”

“Half bad?” Robert scoffs, though there’s no bite in it. “You wound me.”

Aaron shakes his head, his fingers making soft circles on Robert’s skin. “We should be heading back.” 

He doesn’t move.

“Yeah.” 

Robert doesn’t move either.

They stay like that, silently holding each other for a couple more minutes until something akin to fear dries out Robert’s mouth, which has him quickly get out of bed and pull his clothes back on.

Aaron follows suit, not bothering to get his tie back on, instead leaving three buttons open, revealing just a hint of his chest. Robert wants to kiss him there, press his lips to his pulse point and follow it as it quickens and slows. An insane thought no matter how you phrase it, but he chucks it up to the fact that being home for the first time in ten years has him a little off balance.

“You should go first,” Aaron says, seemingly eager to keep his eyes anywhere but on Robert.

“Alright,” he replies, fighting the urge to do something as stupid as give Aaron a goodbye kiss before making his way downstairs, out the back door and back in through the front.

The party’s still going strong; Vic and Adam are slow dancing despite the song being upbeat, John and Andy are loudly discussing something in the corner and there’s a bloke with black hair and a passing resemblance to Adam passed out in one of the booths. Katie’s standing by the bar, chatting with Chas, but her eyes linger on Robert once she spots him. Robert smiles at her, as genuinely as he’s able to muster, and to his surprise, her face doesn't immediately turn into a scowl.

He makes his way over to his brothers, sitting down just as Aaron appears behind the bar. There are no signs of sex on him, and he quickly slips back into the room, acting like he was never missing.

“Oh, Rob,” Andy says, demanding Robert’s full attention, “perfect timing. Tell our little brother here that me and Katie taking over Wylies is a brilliant idea.”

Robert blinks, confused. “You’re taking over Wylies?”

Andy grins. “If everything goes our way, yeah.”

“Aha.” Robert looks over at John. “And you’re opposed to this idea?”

“I was just saying that he shouldn’t get his hopes up,” John argues. “There’s still so much that can go wrong; Wylies needs a lot of work and it’s not like you’re swimming in money.”

“Don’t you think I know that?” Andy scoffs. “But I know what I’m doing. This is a great opportunity for us, and I thought you’d be more supportive.”

John sighs. “And your mental health? I’m sorry for pushing, but I have to. We all know what happened when you lost the farm - what if it happens again?”

Andy shifts uncomfortably in his seat and Robert frowns. He remembers getting the phone call from Diane, her voice shaking as she told him that Andy had had a full mental breakdown, ending it with her begging him to come home to help Andy and the family get back on their feet. For the first time, Robert feels guilty for refusing.

“I’m in a much better place than I was then,” Andy says, “and I know the signs to look for now. You don’t need to worry, John, I’m alright.”

Robert clears his throat. “It’s a valid question though, isn’t it? Are you sure you’re up for it?”

“Yes!” Andy throws his arms out. “I’m sure! Jesus, I wouldn’t have told ya if I knew I’d get an interrogation. I thought you’d be happy for me.”

“We are!” Robert looks over at John, getting his silent permission to speak for the both of them. “We just worry about ya, is all. But it’s great, it really is, Andy. At least one Sugden should be a farmer.”

Andy’s shoulders relax, and he goes into a fall ramble about all of his plans for the farm. It feels oddly normal, more normal than Robert ever felt living in Emmerdale, sitting here with his brothers as if they haven’t tried to tear each other apart in more ways than he’s bothered to count.

They’re all still up when the morning comes, and they send Adam and Vic away on their honeymoon as the sun rises over the rooftops. Robert knows he should sleep, but he doesn’t want to intrude on anyone and he stopped drinking several hours ago, so he decides that he’ll survive the drive into Hotten where his hotel room is waiting for him.

He says goodbye to Andy and Katie and John and Diane and his dad, his chest a little lighter on departure than on arrival. He’s survived, and he’s not even that much worse for wear. One could even argue that the opposite is true.

“You’re going then?”

Aaron’s voice startles him, and when Robert turns around, he’s standing by the pub doors, hands in his pockets and leaning against the doorframe. He looks a little worn out now, but that only seems to add to his charm, and Robert thinks it should frankly be illegal to be that gorgeous.

He nods, in an attempt to look smooth and casual. “I am.”

Aaron nods slowly. “Will you be back?”

“I don’t know,” Robert admits, surprised by how the answer to that question seems to have morphed throughout the evening.

“Okay.” Aaron’s eyes drift from Robert. “Nice car.”

“Thanks,” Robert smiles, patting the roof of it. “She’s my pride and joy.”

“I should think so,” Aaron agrees, visibly taking a breath before continuing. “If you’re ever in the area and need a touch up, swing by the garage. I’ll give you a discount if you’re nice.”

Of course he’s a mechanic. Robert can’t help but laugh at the absurdity of the bloke he shagged a couple of hours ago working at the garage he once co-owned. The world of Emmerdale is too small.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” he says, accepting the olive branch that Aaron is extending. It still feels dangerous, but in a way Robert could grow accustomed to.

Aaron heads back inside as Robert gets in his car, setting his sights on Hotten. He watches the village grow smaller and smaller in the rear-view mirror until it completely disappears behind a hill, and doesn’t quite know what to do with the longing that starts to ache in his chest.

jack & diane

After nine months away, Robert is once again parking his car on Emmerdale Main Street, dressed in a blue suit that’s a little less flashy than the one he’d worn when he was here last. It’s only appropriate, since the occasion he’s here for doesn’t warrant as much fanfare.

He hadn’t even really wanted to come, only budging after several discussions with Vic, two more with Andy and a final one with Diane. Andy and Vic had both been adamant that he show his face at Jack and Diane’s vow renewal. It’s supposed to be a small ceremony with just the family involved, followed by dinner in the Woolpack, and both Dad and Diane apparently really want him there.

Robert doubts that very much. If his dad really required his presence, he could’ve made the call himself, but Robert knows that that would never happen; Jack Sugden isn’t a man that does those kinds of emotions, incapable of having any form of emotionally healthy relationship with any of his sons, maybe bar Andy.

But they hadn't stopped bugging him about it, so he’d finally bit the bullet and relented, agreeing to come in order to keep the peace. He’s been the black sheep of the family for far too long, so digging his heels in just to prove a point only felt like he was confirming everyone’s assumptions of him, and Robert had never been one to accept being put in a box.

As he does the walk from the Woolpack to the church, ignoring the feeling of déjà vu, he throws a quick glance towards the garage when he passes. He sees Cain and Debbie working together on a truck, and just as he’s about to look away, Aaron comes out, tea cup in hand and a deep scowl on his face.

He looks different than the last time Robert saw him. Granted, last time he was decked out in a suit and tie like the romantic lead in a rom-com, and now he’s dressed in dirty overalls that he looks infinitely more comfortable in, but there’s something else too; he’s grown into himself more, carries himself a little differently. He says something to Cain, and while Robert can’t make out what he’s saying, he’s able to pick up on the agitated tone of his voice.

Robert’s thought about Aaron a lot in the past nine months, more than is probably healthy. He’s tried to forget him, since it was just a one time thing after all, but his face keeps coming back, haunting Robert to the point where he’s started seeing it in strangers, pulled in by dark hair and light eyes and touches that never feel quite right.

He’s given no more time to ponder, instead turning his attention towards the church. He can’t quite understand why they’re doing it here, since this is all for show anyway, just a way for Jack and Diane to show off to the village how much they still love each other. It feels grossly performative, but hey, Robert hasn’t been in love since he was a teenager, so what does he know?

To his surprise, he’s not the last to arrive - John is nowhere to be seen. Vic lights up when she spots Robert, engulfing him in a hug that allows him to rest his chin on the crown of her head. She’s still so tiny, practically disappearing into his arms, and it activates every protective instinct he has in his body.

The phone calls with Vic had increased from once a month to almost once a week after the wedding, and to his surprise, Andy had called him one day out of the blue to bring him up to speed on everything happening with the farm, which had been the start of more occasional phone calls. It's been a nice change of pace, and it makes him feel less like a stranger in his own family.

“Thank you for coming,” Vic mumbles as she turns her head up to look at him. “It means a lot.”

Robert smiles. “Anything for family, right?”

He lets go of Vic only to get crushed into another hug by Adam, who seems incapable of being in a bad mood. 

“It’s good to see ya, mate!” Adam exclaims. “Thought we’d have to wait another decade to see you again.”

“Don’t tempt me,” Robert deadpans, which has Adam reacting like it’s the funniest thing he’s ever heard.

Married life looks good on Adam and Vic. They fit together, somehow, and they seem more grown up than the last time Robert saw them. Despite being away for so long, the many, many phone calls with Vic has him feeling like he’s part of their lives in a way he wasn’t before they got married; he knows they’re looking at buying Keepers Cottage, since living up at the farm with Cain and Moira and the rest of Adam’s family is starting to feel cramped, and that they’re about to start trying for kids. It feels right, Vic with a house and a kid of her own, and Robert wouldn’t mind a little niece or nephew to dote on.

Speaking of. Andy’s brought Jack Jr. and Sarah with him today, and it hits Robert that this is basically the first time he’s meeting them. He remembers getting to hold baby Sarah once, a couple of weeks before he was kicked out, and it’s hard to merge the image of the tiny bundle in his arms with the scrawny kid currently looking up at him with a suspicious look in her eye.

“Hey kid,” Robert says, suddenly really nervous and very eager to impress her. “I doubt you remember me, since you were just a baby when I last saw you, but I’m your Uncle Robert.”

“I know.” Sarah tilts her head, still looking at him intently. She both looks and sounds like Andy, so much so that it's actually a little frightening.

“Excited for the renewal?” he asks, unsure of how to keep the conversation going.

“Yeah!” Sarah grins. “I think it’s super romantic, don’t you?”

“Very romantic,” Robert agrees, even though he really doesn’t. But Sarah doesn’t need to know that.

“I hope my dad and Katie get married soon,” Sarah continues, which flips Robert’s stomach.

“Really?”

“Duh. They’re in love, so why shouldn’t they?”

Andy appears behind Sarah, putting a hand on her shoulder. “I think you’re getting ahead of yourself a bit there, darling.”

“Is she?” Robert tries to hold his voice steady as he looks Andy over, trying to determine exactly what’s going through his head.

He knows he's overreacting - Katie and Andy getting married again is the inevitable conclusion of them getting back together - yet he's still shocked by the idea for whatever reason. It's not like he wants to marry Katie himself anymore, so reacting this strongly feels weirdly shameful.

Andy sighs. “Yeah, Rob, she is.” He sounds sincere, and Robert can’t detect the usual signs of dishonesty that he can usually find without issue, so he must be telling the truth.

Before he can respond, Andy’s eyes drift just to the side of his head. “Ah, good, John’s here. Then that’s all of us.”

It’s a much smaller affair than Vic and Adam’s wedding had been. Then, it felt like the whole village was there, the church and the pub filled to the brim with people gathered to celebrate. Now, the guests only fill up the first two rows; Andy and Katie and the kids, Vic and Adam, John, Bernice and Gabby, Val and Eric. Robert’s family, small and glued together like cutouts in a scrapbook.

The yellow dress Diane is wearing looks new, beautifully matching her hat. Jack looks worn out in comparison, dressed in the same suit Robert remembers seeing him in as a kid. He looks at Diane with soft eyes and all Robert can think of is when Jack’s marriage to his mum was still going strong, when he’d look at her with those same eyes and Robert would long to find someone who’d make him feel like that.

New vows are exchanged, led by a new vicar that Robert’s never seen before. Jack and Diane have prepared their own vows, a soppy mixture of promises to love each other for the rest of their days and the acceptance of each other’s peculiarities. It’s sweet, Robert feels something tug at his heart when Diane talks about how Jack has blessed her with their big family; part of him doesn’t believe that he’s included in that, but then Vic reaches over and gives his hand a squeeze and he thinks that he’d like to be.

He hugs Diane earnestly once the whole thing’s done. It can’t have been an easy thing, stepping into a family as messy as theirs, with three kids still feeling the loss of their mother and a fourth who was still trying to carve out a role for himself in the middle of it, but she had done the best she could. 

There are no hugs exchanged with his dad, instead just a firm handshake. Robert can recall the last time his dad had hugged him - when Katie left and Robert’s world had shattered into a million pieces. Jack had held him then, supporting Robert’s weight as he sobbed into his chest. It’s not a memory Robert likes to look back on, the weight of the mistakes that had led him to that point too heavy to hold on to for very long.

“Congratulations, Dad,” he says, though the word feels slightly wrong for the occasion. “Ceremony was nice.”

“Thanks, son,” his dad replies. “It was all Diane’s idea, but we do what we have to to keep our women happy, don’t we?”

There’s happy chatter amongst the group as they make their way from the church to the pub, where they take their seats in the corner. Diane must’ve made some sort of deal with Marlon, because he appears seemingly out of thin air, serving up an array of the finest food a local village pub has to offer.

They eat and chat and have an overall nice time. Robert is seated next to Bernice, much to his own delight, as he always found her easy to talk to and she was always nice to him even when others weren’t. She goes on and on about what she’s been up to in the past decade and a half, only stopping so Robert can slip in an encouraging word or phrase, but Robert doesn’t mind. It distracts from having to talk about himself.

After a bit, his dad clinks his fork against his glass and stands up. “I’m not usually one for speeches,” he says, his eyes sweeping over the group, “but I just want to say thank you all so much for coming. It means a great deal, to both Diane and myself.

“It’s been a long road to get to this point, and it hasn’t always been easy. But us Sugdens were never scared of some hard graft, and look what that’s got us: our kids and grand-kids, all here with us, and that’s all that matters at the end of the day, innit? Family.”

Robert’s grip on his pint tenses as Jack’s speech continues. It’s that motif again. Family. The word that Robert still feels excluded from despite the efforts being made from both himself and his siblings to combat it. He still feels like he’s drifting, alone with no real purpose, still not good enough to truly call himself a Sugden.

He’s making it worse than it is, rationally he knows that. While his dad had greeted him with a neutral facial expression, he didn’t seem displeased at Robert’s presence, which can only be defined as progress. Vic is always happy to have him around and Andy doesn’t want to kill him on sight anymore and John hasn’t tried to catch him out yet. Things are better than they’ve been in a long time, so he should be feeling better, logically.

Yet there’s a feeling that won’t leave him alone, telling him that it’s all temporary so he shouldn’t get attached since it can all come crashing down at any second. That none if it is actually real and that his family is just waiting for him to mess up again so they can toss him back out into the cold.

He feels eyes on him, and looks up to find Katie looking at him, her brow curled in a silent question. You alright?

Robert flashes her a quick smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. I’m okay, don’t worry about me.

She really does know him, maybe better than anyone. She always did, her ability to always know what he’s feeling and what he’s thinking coming preprogrammed somehow. It’s a little scary, and it isn’t always welcome, but there’s a comfort in it too, to have someone know all of you in that way. Or most of you, since there are parts of Robert that not even Katie knows about.

Suddenly, Aaron bursts through the doors. There’s barely a reaction from the rest of the punters, the pub is surprisingly full, but Robert takes notice of it immediately. His eyes follow Aaron as he goes behind the bar, saying something to Chas that Robert can’t hear over the other pub noises. He can read his agitated expression and tense shoulders though, and judging from Chas’ reaction, whatever he said hadn’t been very nice.

Even after Aaron disappears into the back room, Robert can’t stop thinking about him - why he’s so on edge, if he needs someone to talk to. Aaron doesn’t strike him as the talkative type, but he also must have a lot on his mind; Robert hasn’t forgotten what the uneven skin of his scars felt like under his hands, and Aaron must have been in a very dark place to do something like that to himself.

He has to get to Aaron somehow. It’s irrational and he has no idea how he’s going to make it happen, but he has to. Aaron is clearly going through something, and there’s a cold feeling settling in the pit of his stomach at the thought of it going unnoticed.

The opportunity presents itself a little while later, when the conversation around the table lulls and Jack Jr. seems to have lost all his patience, loudly announcing that he’s bored and doesn’t want to sit by this table anymore. Normal behaviour for a four-year-old, and Robert has never been more grateful to have kids around.

The group starts to disperse; Katie volunteers to take the kids so Andy can stay a little longer, Eric makes some excuse about having to look through the bookings at the B&B and Adam mentions something about sheep that needs to be dealt with, so Robert tags along outside with him and Vic.

“Why don’t you and me go up and check out Wylies?” Vic suggests. “I'm sure Sarah'd love to show you 'round."

Robert smiles. “I’d love to, but I think I need to be on my own for a bit, need to clear my head. How about I come and pick you up in a bit though, yeah?"

“I’ll hold you to that.” Vic waves a teasing finger in his face. “Don’t be too long, okay? And don’t you dare leave without saying goodbye.”

“As if,” Robert chuckles. “I’d rather not get on your bad side. And besides, Val’s putting me up at the B&B for the night, so you’re not getting rid of me until the morning, anyway.”

Vic gives him a hug before walking off with Adam, interlacing her fingers with his. There’s still a newlywed quality to them that surely should’ve worn off by now, but it warms Robert’s heart that his sister really seems to have found her person, and at such a young age too.

When he’s sure that no one can see him, or at least that no one is paying attention to him, he walks to the back of the pub. He doesn’t have a specific plan in mind, just that he needs to get in somehow.

As if fate is smiling down at him for the first time, the back door opens just as he turns the corner and Aaron comes flying through it, nervous energy radiating off of him to the point where Robert can sense it from several meters away.

“Hey,” he says, unable to keep from chuckling a little when Aaron turns his head, looking at him like he’s just seen a ghost. “I know, long time no see.”

“What're you doing here?” Aaron asks, shifting anxiously on the spot. He looks like he wants to bolt, run Robert over and disappear, but Robert’s not about to let him.

“My dad and Diane were doing some vow renewal thing that apparently required my attendance,” he says offhandedly. “What’s up with you? I thought you’d be glad to see me.”

Aaron scoffs. “What makes you say that?”

“Well, not to toot my own horn or anything, but I am a pretty good shag,” Robert says. “And if I recall correctly, you offered me a discount if I ever wanted to get the car checked. You could take a look at it now if you want, it’s parked just up front.”

Aaron shakes his head. “I’m busy, thanks. Now do one.”

Robert purses his lips together. “I don’t think I can do that. Something’s clearly up with you, and I don’t think you should be alone.”

“And who are you to decide that, eh?” Aaron marches up to him, getting up in his face. “You don’t know anything about me.”

“I know, but I’d like to.” Robert’s heart is beating hard in his chest, he has to use most of his willpower to keep from reaching out and touching Aaron, he’d probably get decked if he tried. “Come on, I can tell something’s wrong. Talk to me.”

Aaron looks into his eyes, his stare fiery and intense. There’s so much happening behind them, Robert can almost see the storm that’s raging just under the surface, and he wants, needs, to help Aaron calm it. He can’t explain why, but he has to.

Finally, Aaron shoves him, causing Robert to stumble a few steps back. “Stay away from me,” he growls, beginning to walk away and causing Robert to panic.

“Are you gonna hurt yourself?” he throws out before he can stop himself, which causes Aaron to freeze and slowly turn around.

“You what?”

“Are you going to hurt yourself?” Robert asks again, firmer this time. He tries to read the expression on Aaron’s face, and can’t quite decide if he’s hit the jackpot or if he’s about to get the beating of a lifetime.

Aaron is breathing through his nose, his hands closing into fists as his jaw flexes. He doesn’t say anything for what feels like an eternity, and Robert can barely move a muscle, completely frozen in anticipation.

Finally, Aaron’s fists relax. “I’m not gonna hurt myself."

Robert exhales, and dares to take a couple of steps closer. “Are you sure?”

Aaron nods. “Yeah.”

“Good.” Robert tries a smile, and is pleased when Aaron’s expression softens. “Come on,” he continues, walking past Aaron. “Let’s go for a drive.”

Aaron follows behind him, confusion colouring his voice when he speaks. “A drive?”

“Yeah.” Robert throws a grin over his shoulder. “Admit it, you’ve thought about getting inside my car since you first saw it. Now’s your chance.”

“Maybe,” Aaron admits, something childlike in his eyes as he gets into the passenger seat of Robert’s car; they trail over the dashboard, taking in every detail, and Robert feels incredibly pleased with himself.

He’s always prided himself in his taste in cars, and the Audi R8 had been somewhat of a dream purchase, solid proof that he had worked himself into a well enough position to be able to afford it, no longer scraping by with nothing to show for his efforts.

Once they get out on the open road, Robert revs the engine a bit, pleased at how Aaron lights up at the sound. He goes a little too fast, spurred on by the adrenaline of it, taking every turn with practised ease. They don’t talk as he drives, the silence weirdly comforting.

After about ten minutes, Robert pulls up at a lay-by, chuckling when Aaron gives him a confused look. 

“Why are we stopping here?”

“Seems as good a place as any, don’t you think?”

“Suppose.” Aaron pulls on his sleeves, a purple hoodie that looks like it’s seen better days, clearly still anxious and on edge.

Robert clears his throat. “Right. So, you wanna tell me what’s going on with you? We’ve come all the way out here, so you might as well.”

Aaron’s jaw clenches uncomfortably. “You wouldn’t get it.”

“Try me.”

Aaron’s eyes narrow. “Why are you so bothered, anyway?”

Robert shrugs. “I don’t know. I honestly don’t. I just … I saw that you were struggling and I wanted to help.”

A few seconds pass where Aaron is just looking at him, clearly having some sort of internal argument with himself. Then, finally, he tears his eyes away from Robert and looks up at the ceiling. “I, uh … I had this boyfriend. When I first came out, y’know, and he died. Five years ago today.”

“Oh.” Robert frowns. “I’m sorry. That can’t have been easy for ya.”

“No, you don’t understand,” Aaron sniffles, wiping his watering eyes with his sleeve. “He killed himself. And I helped him do it. I killed him.”

Something cold runs down Robert’s spine. “What do you mean?”

Aaron is full on crying now. “We had an argument, and then he got in this accident and it left him paralysed. Arms, legs, all of it. He couldn’t do anything, so me and his mum took care of him. We did everything together, and it was hard, but we were getting on with it and I tried to make him happy. But he didn’t wanna live anymore, and since he couldn’t do it himself, I had to help him end it. I killed him, and they didn’t even have the decency to punish me for it.”

In what feels like a first, Robert doesn’t really know what to say. He lets Aaron’s words sink in, tries wrapping his head around them. Whatever he’d expected Aaron to say, whatever idea he had of what could be weighing on Aaron’s mind, this hadn’t been it, not even close.

He tries to picture it; a young, freshly out Aaron, having to make decisions no one should ever be forced to even consider. Having to deal with guilt and grief simultaneously, forced to carry the weight of what he’d done with him for the rest of his days.

“Is that why you cut yourself?” he asks gently.

Aaron nods, rubbing his forearm over his hoodie with his thumb. “Yeah.”

“Do you still do it?”

“No,” Aaron replies quickly. “I haven’t in years. I’ve kept it in check, and I’m usually not like this, I swear. But all I’ve been able to think about today is how everyone has just … moved on, how I’ve moved on. Jackson is dead in the ground and everyone’s just living their lives as if he never existed and I feel so guilty because it’s all my fault.”

Robert slowly reaches over and grabs Aaron’s hand, squeezing his palm with his fingers. “Life’s awful like that. I know it’s not the same, but I remember the first time I forgot my mum’s birthday after she died. I felt so guilty, like I’d failed her because who does that? Who forgets their dead mum’s birthday? And I still feel guilty for not thinking about her enough sometimes, but I read somewhere that while the grief you feel never gets any smaller, the life you live around it gets bigger, so the grief doesn’t take up as much space. When you look at it like that, it makes sense why you move on eventually, and that doesn’t make me a bad son and it doesn’t make you a bad boyfriend or a bad person, Aaron. It’s just life.”

He hasn’t talked about his mum in years - not properly, anyway. It’s a subject he avoids bringing up around Andy to keep himself from smashing his head in and something he doesn’t really know how to talk about with Vic, since she was so small when it all happened. Talking to his dad about it isn’t even a possibility, since Jack would probably like to forget that Sarah had ever existed at all, and while John might understand since his own mum had died around the same time, they’ve never been close enough to have those kinds of conversations. So talking to Aaron about her is nice, even if the circumstances are a little grim and Aaron doesn’t know anything about Sarah.

Aaron looks down at Robert’s hand holding his own, again seemingly deep in thought. Robert gets an overwhelming impulse to crack Aaron’s head open so he can look inside it, see the machinations at work and the thoughts they’re producing. Always these strange thoughts with Aaron, it seems.

He stays put, silent as he waits for Aaron to speak.

When Aaron finally looks up again, he’s stopped crying. “I’m sorry about your mum.”

Robert shrugs lightly, smiling like his chest doesn’t suddenly feel a little numb. “It’s a long time ago now.”

“Still.”

They sit in silence for a minute, just looking at each other. Robert takes the opportunity to really get a look at Aaron’s face, taking in the small details of it; how there are hints of curls in his hair now when it’s longer and not as thickly gelled, the way his beard makes his face look a little rounder, a scar that’s mostly hidden under his eyebrow. If he could spend hours mapping out every detail of Aaron’s face, it would be time well spent.

“You feeling any better?” he asks, not wanting to break the tension but compelled by the voice in the back of his head that’s telling him that he’s been gone for long enough.

Aaron nods. “Yeah, a little.”

“Then my work here is done,” Robert grins, letting go of Aaron’s hand to reach for the car key still in the ignition.

“Wait.” Aaron puts his hand on his arm, stopping him. “Do we have to go back just yet?”

Robert swallows thickly. “I’d like to stay longer, but I promised Vic's waiting for me - we're going up to check on Wylies.”

“Okay.” There’s no denying the disappointment in Aaron’s voice, and it doesn’t sit quite right with Robert to break things up, but they also can’t stay here forever. Real life is calling out from just over the hills, and Robert has to comply.

Just as Robert starts the car, Aaron leans over and kisses him. It’s soft, and having Aaron’s lips on his again after so many months of fantasising about it overrides most of Robert’s senses, making him unable to think and feel anything but Aaron’s tongue prying against his teeth and his hand holding his jaw.

There’s a question, a silent plea, detectable in the kiss as Aaron deepens it. Stay. Do you really have to go just yet?

Robert’s heart tears at his ribcage, wanting nothing more than to give in and remain here with Aaron for hours upon hours. Being with him feels right, more right than Robert wants to admit, and it would be so easy to give in to that feeling.

Except it wouldn’t be easy at all. Staying here with Aaron would be everything but easy. Aaron is too close, too intertwined with the parts of Robert’s life that he needs to keep Aaron hidden from; if they’d met somewhere else, under different circumstances, then maybe Robert would’ve had the guts to give it a chance. But as it stands, there’s no way forward, and Robert needs to start acting like it.

He allows himself one last second of it, uses it to properly memorise the feel of Aaron’s lips and the smell of him - motor oil, sweat, something wooden - before using all his willpower to pull away. “We should head back.”

Aaron frowns and clenches his jaw, and Robert presses down the gas pedal before Aaron gets any stupid ideas like getting out of the car or even worse, pushing back and demanding an actual conversation about his feelings from him.

The drive back to the village is silent, much like the drive out had been. But this silence isn’t comforting, rather it’s so uncomfortable that it makes Robert want to crawl out of his own skin. Aaron looks out the window the whole time, seemingly determined to act like Robert doesn’t exist.

“Listen,” Robert says as he pulls up on Main Street, slowly rolling in towards the pub. “I don’t want any hard feelings between us - I want us to get on.”

Aaron snorts. “Oh, you do, d’ya?”

“I do. Things are just … complicated, alright? But I’d like to be your friend, if you’d let me.”

“And you’re great at friends, are ya?”

“That a challenge?” Robert raises an eyebrow and smirks a little, which softens Aaron’s scowl somewhat. “Because if so, I’ll be the best friend you’ve ever had.”

Aaron chuckles. “We'll have to see about that, won't we?”

The tension between them eases a little, and Robert’s heart feels a little lighter than a minute ago when Aaron gets out of the car, going through the pub doors just as John comes outside.

John has always been incredibly perceptive, one of those family traits that Robert would’ve preferred that his brother had been born without, so he clocks Robert looking after Aaron immediately, and strolls over to the car, gesturing for Robert to roll the window down.

“Why, hello, little brother,” Robert says, voice dripping with sarcasm. “Beautiful day for a wedding, innit?”

“Very.” John rests one arm against the car door as he leans in towards Robert. “Did Aaron Livesy just get out of your car?”

Robert lets out a laugh, trying to play cool despite his heartbeat ringing in his ears. “He did. I went for a drive and found him walking along the road, so I gave him a lift back to the village. Is that alright, John?”

John huffs. “And he let ya? He’s usually not good with strangers.”

“Good thing we’re not strangers then. We met at Vic and Adam’s wedding, chatted a bit. Good bloke.”

“Yeah.” John’s eyes narrow. “He’s been through a lot, you know. He doesn’t need someone like you giving him grief.”

Robert snorts. “And why would I be giving him grief?”

“Because you’re you,” John says simply. “It’s what you do. I’m surprised Dad and Diane wanted you here, since you’ve not been part of this family for years.”

Robert’s grip on the steering wheel tightens. “That right?”

John smirks. “Yeah. You weren’t here when Dad had his heart attack, or when we lost the farm. You actually refused to come and help us, so how much family are you really?”

It’s a classic move straight out of the John Sugden playbook. He’s always been deeply insecure about his own place in the family, never quite finding his footing, so he’d try and use his sharp mind to get one over on his brothers, usually Robert.

It had been messy when John arrived. The ghosts of not one, but two dead mothers hung over the Sugden kids, which made an already difficult integration process even more so. Robert hadn’t been overtly interested in getting to know his new baby brother, too busy with trying to destroy the life of the first stray his dad had picked up, which probably explains a lot about why his relationship with John looks the way it does.

It didn’t take John long to pick up on how things worked in the Sugden household: Vic is the baby, Andy gets away with everything, Robert gets away with nothing. That made Robert an easier target, and so John’s way of asserting himself became putting Robert (and Andy, if the opportunity ever presented itself) down whenever he could.

So, while Robert might be able to admit that he loves John, in that baseline way you do with family, he can't say he particularly likes him.

Robert looks John in the eyes. “So feisty today, Johnnyboy. And all because I gave Aaron a lift. Am I detecting a crush, perhaps?” He remembers Aaron mentioning them getting it on once upon a time, and feels both pleased and mad with jealousy when John’s smug expression falters somewhat. “I am! Oh, don’t be shy, John, we’ve all been there. You should give it a shot, the worst thing he can say is no.”

“Shut up,” John growls through gritted teeth. “That’s none of your business.”

Robert laughs. “Oh come on, don’t be like that. I’m just trying to give ya some brotherly advice! But if you’re not gonna listen, then would you please back away from my car? Vic’s waiting for me, and we wouldn’t want to upset her on a day like this, eh?”

John looks like he’s about to lunge into the car and throttle Robert, which only makes the satisfaction taste sweeter in Robert’s mouth. But he seems to get himself under control at the last minute and steps away from the car, allowing Robert to roll up the window and give a little wave as he drives off towards Butlers.

As he drives, Robert tries not to think about Aaron. It is, of course, a foolish endeavour, since nine months and 250 miles hasn’t been enough to get him out of his head, but Robert is determined to get any non-platonic thoughts out of his head this time. He’d offered Aaron friendship, the only thing he’s actually able to give, and that has to be enough. For everyone’s sake, that has to be enough.

jack

Jack Sugden passes away on January 13th 2017.

Robert can’t really remember much from when he got the phone call a week ago to now, when he’s carrying his father’s coffin into the church for a final goodbye. He stares straight ahead, focusing on the back of Andy’s head as they slowly make their way up the aisle.

Somehow, Robert had assumed that his dad would never die. Despite the fact that his childhood had been one death after another and he’d lost not one but two mothers, Jack dying too never quite felt like a possibility. He’d always been such a strong presence, his voice Robert’s constant companion despite the years he’d been away, so knowing that he’ll never see his dad again is nothing short of surreal.

It hadn’t even been that long since Robert saw him last. He’d spent Christmas in Emmerdale, at Vic and Adam’s new home at Keepers Cottage with the whole family present. His dad had been so alive then, intently listening to Jack Jr. go through all of his Christmas presents while parked in an armchair for the evening, and the squeeze he’d given Robert’s shoulder at the end of the night still burns against Robert’s skin. Robert had gone home the next day, none the wiser that he’d just seen his dad for the last time.

They reach the top of the aisle, silently moving to put the coffin in its place. When Robert turns, his gaze lands on Victoria, sitting in the front row with her hand tightly clutching Adam’s, tears steadily falling from her red stained eyes. He moves to sit down next to her, leaning over to kiss her temple as the room starts to quiet down.

The phone call still echoes in his head. Diane had tried to get the words out, but she’d been in such a state that John had eventually had to take the phone from her, his voice shaking as he informed Robert of what had happened. Dad’s dead. Heart attack, nothing they could do. You should come as soon as you can.

Robert had felt like a fish bowl had been put over his head, making the world feel like in the movies, where a character receives bad news and suddenly every sound becomes muddled and indistinct. John’s words had refused to sink in, and even now he can’t quite believe them, despite staring the proof of them right in the face.

He’d shown up in Emmerdale the day after, and had spent the past week knee deep in funeral preparations. Flowers, coffin, food for the wake, a million other little things that Robert didn’t know were necessary when arranging a funeral. He had offered to pay for the majority of it, his logic being that he makes almost as much as the rest of his siblings combined so should therefore pay more, but that hadn’t gone over well with John and Andy, who’d assumed that Robert was trying to boost his own importance by throwing his money around. Robert had wanted to argue, but Diane was already distraught enough without the boys fighting, so he’d let it go.

The vicar starts speaking, but Robert can’t make sense of any of it, only catching a word every once in a while.

Son.

Staple.

Love.

Children.

She’d gone through the sermon with them the day before, so he should know the context the words are being put in, but when he tries to remember, he comes up empty.

Robert had just allowed himself to start thinking of Emmerdale as home again. The familial foundations had finally felt strong enough to put weight on, but this had rumbled through the floorboards like an earthquake, revealing holes Robert had assumed he’d filled in, holes that would remain open forever.

The family is incomplete now, a piece of it ripped away to never be returned. Jack had been the centre of gravity that the rest of the family circled around, and Robert wonders what will happen now when that centre is gone, if they’ll all drift away or implode in on each other when the sun is replaced by a black hole.

Death is a difficult thing to make sense of. Wrapping your head around never seeing someone again, that they’re well and truly gone, is something that Robert will probably always regard as endlessly cruel.

How is it fair that his dad is dead when there are still so many things Robert wants to say to him? How is it fair that his mother Pat died when he was too small to remember her? How is it fair that his mum Sarah died when he still needed her so much?

He supposes that’s the point. Death isn’t fair, and its effects stick to you, alters you in ways you won’t realise until well after the cement has dried and it’s impossible to change back.

On the other side of the aisle, Andy sits with his hands in his lap, tears silently rolling down his face. Robert has to look away to keep the anger from overwhelming him, since he knows it’s only happening because he doesn’t have anywhere else to put the blame. Blaming Andy is easy, he spent years doing it, but he doesn’t want to be that person anymore; he might never be able to fully forgive Andy for what happened to his mum, but he has to let it go or he’s going to lose his family again, and he couldn’t bear that - not after just getting them back.

Silence falls over the room as the vicar steps aside to let John take her place. They had discussed who should speak at the funeral back and forth - Andy didn’t want to and Vic felt that she wouldn’t know what to say, which left only Robert and John. The discussion had been surprisingly civil; Robert could tell that speaking seemed to matter more to John than to himself, and since two speakers felt like a bit much, he’d let John take the honour.

John clears his throat, looking over at the coffin before speaking. “Um … As many of you know, I came to the village when I was fourteen. My mum had just died and I didn’t have any family to stay with, so I bounced around the system for a while, but they couldn’t find a good fit for me anywhere. It felt like my life was over.

“But then they told me that they’d been in touch with my dad, and that I was going to stay with him. I didn’t even know who my dad was, my mum had refused to tell me when I asked, but she’d put it in her will that she wanted me to stay with him if she died before I turned eighteen. And Dad said yes. He didn’t even hesitate.

“Since it was just my mum and me before, I didn’t really know what being part of a family meant until I came here. Suddenly, I had siblings and a step-mum and a dad, and while it was hard at first, you all let me in and let me become part of your family, and I can’t thank you enough for that.

“Dad made all that happen. He made me feel like I belonged for the first time in my life, and supported me when I came out even though he didn’t get it. There aren’t really enough words to express how grateful I am to you, Dad, or how much I’ll miss you. How much we’ll all miss you.”

John keeps talking, but his voice becomes muffled as Robert suddenly finds it hard to breathe. He bunches up the fabric of his trousers in his fists, trying to ground himself and even out his breathing.

It’s all coming back, every thought and emotion that he’s usually so good at keeping under control whenever Jack’s support of John comes up. Except now he can feel that the pot is about to boil over, so he shoves the lid back on, desperately trying to find a way to turn the heat down.

It’s all so unfair. Unfair that John got to have a supportive dad that tried to change for him, unfair that Robert never got to confront his dad about what he did, unfair that Jack never got the chance to maybe, just maybe, prove Robert wrong. 

There’s a weight on his shoulder. It’s Vic, leaning over to rest her head there, wrapping her arms around his bicep like she would when she was little and would come to him for comfort when she was sad. Robert doesn’t know if she’s doing it because she needs it or if she’s noticed that something’s off with him, but he’s grateful either way, since it helps him settle, bringing the boil down to a more manageable simmer.

The rest of the service is all a bit of a blur. It’s like Robert isn’t quite in charge of his own body, his limbs moving on their own as he helps carry his father’s coffin out to the cemetery and lower it down into his final resting place. The only thing that grounds him is the chilly January air making its way under his coat, the cold draping over his skin and anchoring him to reality.

The wake is held at the pub, and it’s only then that Robert realises that pretty much the entire village is there. His dad was a respected member of the community and a village elder, he knew that much, but it still surprises him to see so many people gathered to remember him.

He makes sure Diane finds somewhere to sit and that she has some food and drink and that Vic isn’t fussing over said food before grabbing a pint for himself and retreating to the corner booth. People come up to him in a steady stream, offering condolences and anecdotes about his dad that all blur together until he can’t make one out from the other.

It’s getting harder to breathe again, so he loosens his tie and undoes the two top buttons, hoping that it will be enough to stop him feeling like something is pressing against his windpipe.

“You look terrible.”

He looks up, seeing Katie standing in front of him with her arms crossed. She’s dressed modestly in a simple, black dress, her hair pulled back into a ponytail at the base of her skull. She eyes him with a teasing look, like they're still teenagers and she can tell he's having an off day.

Robert chuckles dryly. “My dad’s just died, shouldn’t you have to be nice to me?”

Katie sits down across from him. “I think you can take it.” As she says it, something more serious comes over her face. “But if I were to be nice and ask how you’re doing, would you be honest with me?”

Robert shrugs and takes a sip of his pint. “I dunno. How are you supposed to be doing during something like this?”

“Fair point.” Katie looks out over the pub, seemingly looking for something before turning back to him. “Service was nice, Diane seems happy with it. Or maybe happy’s not the word, but she seemed to like it.”

“Good.” Robert taps his fingers against his glass. “He deserves a good send off.”

“Yeah.” Katie nods, but there’s something in her tone that doesn’t quite seem to agree, which makes Robert frown.

“Something on your mind?”

“No,” Katie replies quickly. “You’re right. Jack was a decent man, so he deserves a decent send off. It was good of you to let John do the speech, by the way.”

Robert shrugs. “It’s nothing. He really wanted to do it and I don’t think I would’ve had anything good to say, anyway.” Better to not let the most disappointing child do it, his mind finishes.

Katie smiles. “Oh, you would’ve thought of summat. But I get it, it’s not like you always got on, you and him.”

“Bit of an understatement, don’t you think?” Robert takes another sip of his pint, hoping that the bitterness doesn’t come through too much.

“Yeah,” Katie sighs, pursing her lips together apologetically. “And thank you for not fighting about the money, by the way. I told Andy he was being stupid and petty, but he wouldn’t listen.”

“Sounds like him.”

“I’m trying to pay you a compliment, so could you stop slagging off my boyfriend, please?”

“You started it!”

“It’s different when I do it! Now shut up and listen. I’m glad you took the high road with it, made it easier for everyone. And it’s good that you’re here at all, really. Andy might not admit it, but he’s happy you’re talking again. It was always a little weird without you here.”

Robert scoffs. “Now I know you’re lying.”

“I’m not!” Katie says sternly. “This is your home, Robert, no matter what Jack or Andy or I might have said once upon a time. You belong here, with the people that know you and love you.”

“Andy loves me now, does he?”

“He’s always loved you, you idiot. Just like you’ve always loved him.”

She’s right, of course she is. No matter what they did to each other, what they put the other through, Robert has always loved Andy. Andy is the brother Robert chose, the best friend that became family, the childish dream that somehow came true. It was why it all hurt so much, since no one can hurt you like the ones you love.

He sighs. “Okay, fine, you got me. Happy now?”

“Oh, you know me,” Katie grins. “I’m always happy. But seriously, Robert. I know you’ve always felt like an outsider here, but you shouldn’t. You’re as much a part of that family as any of them, and you’re gonna need each other going forward, so don’t wait another six months before coming back, yeah?”

Robert looks at her, tries to read her facial expression. “Why are you telling me this?”

“Because I’ve known you and your idiot brother for almost twenty years now, and I know that sometimes you need someone spelling things out for you or you’ll do something stupid. And even that’s not a perfect guarantee.”

Robert can’t help but chuckle at that. “Point taken. I’ll keep it in mind.”

“Good.” Katie taps her fingers against the table. “I’m gonna go find Andy, but I’m here if you need anything, alright?”

“Alright.” Robert watches her leave, suddenly alone with just his thoughts for company.

He weighs her words in his head and wants to believe them so badly. It should be easy enough to do so, since he’s spent more than a year slowly reintegrating into the family, making room for himself in that unit again.

But he still doesn’t quite fit. He never did, not cut out for the sort of life Emmerdale could offer him. It only feels like he fits because he keeps shoving parts of himself aside, hiding them so he can slide into the mould. But he can only hold that shape for so long, and eventually those hidden parts are going to start pressing against the edges, making them harder and harder to hide until it will eventually become impossible.

Robert feels too big for his skin. The suit feels too tight, too restrictive. The edges of his vision start blackening out. The pot is heating up again, and this time, Robert isn’t quick enough to keep it from boiling over.

He bolts for the toilets, somehow aware enough to be relieved that they’re empty. He stumbles up to the sink, splashing some cold water on his face in an attempt to calm himself down, but it does nothing to help get more air into his lungs or calm the heart that’s about to explode out of his chest.

“Y’alright?”

Robert looks up into the mirror and sees Aaron behind him, brow creased and eyes full of concern.

“‘M fine,” he mutters, turning the water off with shaky hands. “Weird day, is all.”

“Sure.” Aaron takes a step towards him. “But you don’t look fine. You look like you’re about to have a panic attack.”

Robert snorts, gripping the sink when it feels like his legs are about to buckle. “I don’t get panic attacks.”

“Right, and pink’s my favourite colour,” Aaron replies sarcastically. “Robert, stop being such a prat and let me help ya. Consider it payback, or whatever.”

Robert looks at Aaron in the mirror, gripping the sink so tightly now that his knuckles are whitening. He can barely think straight and the room is starting to spin around him, and his brain keeps screaming to say no, embarrassed and ashamed to be caught like this.

But Aaron is standing firmly in place, the only thing that’s clear in all the chaos. He’s here and he looks real and he wants to help and Robert realises that he’s missed him.

“Okay,” he croaks. “But not here. Anywhere else.”

Aaron nods, coming up close to Robert, gently helping him release his grip on the sink. “We’ll go through the kitchen, yeah? Only Marlon’s back there and he won’t say anything.”

Robert can’t really argue or come up with another plan, so he lets Aaron lead him out of the bogs, hoping that it isn’t obvious that he’s seconds away from a breakdown as Aaron ushers him towards the kitchen. He hears Aaron bark something at Marlon but can’t make out what, unable to process anything until the cold outside air hits him in the face.

Aaron grabs his hands, placing them flat against the wall. The texture is cold and rugged under his palm, and then Aaron’s hand is between his shoulder blades, rubbing in a gentle, circular motion.

“You’re alright,” Aaron says from somewhere beside him. “Just breathe.”

Robert’s not sure how long he stands like that, slowly getting his breathing under control so he can settle back into himself. His hands still shake a bit even as his heart has stopped beating in his ears, so he hides them behind his back as he turns around to lean against the wall.

“Thanks,” he says, not quite able to look Aaron in the eye.

“Don’t worry about it.” Aaron’s arms are crossed and he still looks concerned. “How’re you feeling?”

“Better.” Robert takes a deep breath, his eyes trailing towards the door. “I should probably get back in there.”

“You sure?” Aaron asks. “There’s no rush, y’know.”

“Right,” Robert chuckles dryly. His gaze drifts back to Aaron, finally able to fully take him in; his beard is trimmed shorter than the last time Robert saw him, his hair has grown out a bit and the suit he’s wearing fits him like a glove. He’s absolutely, unequivocally, drop dead gorgeous.

Robert has caught glimpses of Aaron throughout the week he’s been in the village, but he’s been so wrapped up in funeral planning and managing everyone’s tempers that he hasn’t been able to allow himself to linger, afraid that adding the anxiety of whatever the fuck his supposed friendship with Aaron is on top of everything else might cause the pile to crumble. Turns out, Aaron had been the thing he needed to keep it all together.

When Robert doesn’t say anything else, Aaron sighs and shifts impatiently on the spot. “Look, I’m not gonna stop ya from going back in there. But it’s obvious summat’s off with ya, and people are gonna ask.”

It’s odd how Aaron seems to have Robert figured out, because he hits the nail on the head; Robert doesn’t want people to notice that he’s struggling, and especially not that he’s just had a fucking panic attack because he can’t keep it together. And he knows that Aaron is right, since he can feel his shirt stick to his sweat soaked back and his skin feels dewy when he reaches up to scratch the back of his neck. He’s in no condition to go back in there yet - not if he wants to keep up pretences, anyway.

“Fine,” he relents, raising his eyebrows at Aaron. “Well? We can’t stand out here all day, we’ll freeze to death.”

Aaron sucks his lip into his mouth, clearly thinking. “We could go in the back room.”

“And have someone walk in? I don’t think so.”

Aaron rolls his eyes. “Fine. I know somewhere we can go. Come on.”

He walks off without waiting, and Robert falls in line a step behind him. They don’t walk far, Aaron turns left after less than a minute.

“The garage?” Robert asks, baffled.

“What?” Aaron starts fiddling with the lock. “It’s closed all day and everyone’s at the pub, so no one will come by.”

Robert hasn’t stepped foot in the garage in almost twelve years, yet it feels like very little has changed; the furniture has been replaced and the cars have evolved, but the walls have some more wear and tear to them and it’s still fundamentally the same place that had been Robert’s first proper business venture.

“Did you know I used to own this place?” he asks, amused by the doubtful look that spreads across Aaron’s face. “Back in the day.”

“You?” Aaron looks him over. “Aren’t you too posh for a place like this?”

Robert rolls his eyes playfully. “I’m the son of a farmer, lest you forget. And I’m actually quite a good mechanic - good with my hands and that.”

“That you are,” Aaron agrees, and Robert hopes that he doesn’t notice the flush that heats up his cheeks.

Aaron walks over to the car that’s placed in the middle of the room, opening the door to the back seat and climbing inside. “You coming, or what?” he calls out to Robert, who raises a quizzing eyebrow at him.

“What are you doing?”

“What’s it look like I’m doing? Having a chat in a car worked well enough for me, so it should work well enough for you.”

Robert huffs. “Who says we’re having a chat?”

Aaron glares tiredly at him. “What, you were just gonna sit here in silence? Proper weird, you.”

“Shut up.” Robert hesitates, just for a moment, before getting into the car, leaving the door open as he looks across the back seat at Aaron. “There. Happy now?”

“I should be asking you that,” Aaron retorts. “You were the one having the panic attack.”

Robert shakes his head. “It’s my dad’s funeral, so I don’t think I’d describe myself as happy, even without the panic attack.”

“Yeah,” Aaron agrees, his voice softer now. “How’re ya coping, by the way? You’ve been running around like a lunatic all week.”

“Well, no offence to the rest of my family, but they’re all useless in a crisis, so someone had to do it.”

Aaron chuckles lightly. “Right. And it’s not because you were trying to distract yourself by micromanaging everything?”

Once again, Aaron has seen right through Robert, finding the root cause of his issues without having to do much digging. It’s infuriating, and Robert feels weirdly naked because of it.

“Well, it sounds bad when you put it like that,” he says, loosening his tie even further even though he can barely feel it around his neck anymore.

Aaron nods slowly. “That’s because it is bad, Robert. You’re trying to outrun your grief, and trust me when I say that you can’t. It’s probably why you had the panic attack in the first place.”

Robert rubs his hands over his thighs, trying to keep his leg from bouncing anxiously. “That’s not what happened.”

“Then what did happen? Something must’ve triggered it, they don’t just come out of nowhere.”

Robert shakes his head. “It’s hard to explain.”

Aaron reaches over and squeezes his knee. “You can do it. Take your time.”

Robert looks down at Aaron’s hand, fighting with himself before giving in to the impulse to grab it with his own. “Um … I dunno how much you’ve heard about my family, but I never quite fit in. I was always the outsider, y’know? I was never the son my dad wanted and he never passed up an opportunity to let me know that.

“It’s like he was always looking for reasons to hate me and consider me a failure. It was alright before Andy came along - not perfect or anything, but Andy’s always been exactly what my dad’s wanted in a son: a manly man made for farm work, not some weak dreamer like me, and it only got worse once he took on John as well. He had two sons he could be proud of, which was probably why he didn’t hesitate on kicking me out when he got the chance, so he could forget all about what a disappointment I was.

“And he was still mad at me for taking his advice and staying away! He resented me for not coming back even though he washed his hands of me first. And then Katie was talking to me about the family needing me and John was talking about how accepting Dad was of him being gay when all I got was…”

His voice dies in his throat, tears welling up in his eyes. It’s too scary to say out loud, too painful to bring up all these memories that he’s long since decided not to share with anyone.

Aaron changes his grip on Robert’s hand, interlacing their fingers. “When you got what?”

Robert sighs deeply and shakes his head. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Clearly, it does. What did he do, Robert?”

“He…” Robert keeps his eyes firmly fixed on his lap. “He found me. With this lad we had help on the farm. It was the first time I’d ever felt anything for a boy, and I just wanted to try, see what it felt like. But he caught us before we could do anything.”

“Okay. What happened then?”

Robert bites down hard on his lip. “He beat me. He sacked the other kid and then he leathered me.”

There’s a tense silence, and once Aaron speaks again, his voice is strained. “How old were you?”

“Fifteen.”

“Robert…”

“So you get it?” The words seem to pour out of Robert uncontrollably now. “You get how fucking infuriating it is that John got a dad that loved him and accepted him practically served on a plate while all I got was disapproval? I let him believe he’d fixed me and he still didn’t think I was good enough. And then he gets people patting him on the back for being so open minded when he probably blamed himself for not catching John at it earlier so he could beat it out of him too.

“And you know what the worst part of it is? It’s that I can’t stop wanting his approval. I’m thirty years old and everything I’ve ever done is to either stick it to my dad or to get him to love me. And now he’s gone and I’ll never … I’ll never get to fix it. I’ll never get to prove to him that I can be who he wanted me to be.”

He has to stop and take a breath as the tears slowly start falling from his eyes. He feels hollow and empty, cracked open with no way of gluing himself back together. ´

“Robert.” Aaron tugs on his hand. “Look at me. Hey, look at me.” With his free hand, Aaron grabs Robert’s chin and turns his head up so they’re looking each other in the eyes.

“Listen to me very carefully,” Aaron continues. “What happened to you wasn’t your fault, d’you hear me? What your dad did to you was wrong, and it should never have happened.”

His eyes are wet, yet fiercely determined and his voice is full of conviction, emphasising every syllable as if he’s trying to imprint them on Robert’s brain. His fingers hold Robert’s chin in a soft grip, just firm enough to keep him from turning away, and Robert gets the sudden urge to duck his head so he can press a kiss to Aaron’s palm.

But he stays locked in place, his own voice shaky and weak when he finally manages to produce a response. “Why couldn’t he love me, Aaron? What about me makes me so impossible to love?”

“Now you’re just talking rubbish,” Aaron says, gently scratching the underside of Robert’s jaw. “Vic fucking adores you, that much is obvious by the way she talks about ya, and Adam’s always happy to see ya, ain’t he? I can’t speak for the others, but from the sounds of it, Katie seems to think that they need ya, which kinda sounds like love to me. I don’t know what was wrong with your dad, but whatever problems he had were on him, not you. You’re incredible, Robert, and him not seeing that is his loss.”

It’s too much. Aaron is sitting here, listening to Robert vent about his problems and supporting him when Robert’s done nothing to deserve it. He’s basically a stranger, yet it doesn’t feel strange opening up to him since everything about him screams you can trust me. He might be the most wonderful person Robert has ever met.

He falls forward, basically collapsing in Aaron’s arms as the weight of it all - the grief, the self-loathing, the relief - comes crashing down on him. He sobs into Aaron’s shoulder, holding on to him as if letting him go would kill him. Aaron holds him right back, silent and strong and unrelenting.

Robert isn’t sure how long they stay like that, but eventually he seems to run out of tears. Slowly, he untangles himself from Aaron. “Uh, thanks. I- I didn’t know I needed that.”

Aaron smiles slightly. “Well, you did it for me, so it’s only fair that I do the same for you.”

It’s been just over seven months since they sat in Robert’s car at some random lay-by. Aaron had been the one crying then, Robert the one to spot his distress and help him get through it. Funny, how they both seem messed up and somehow equipped to help each other through it.

Without thinking, Robert’s gaze drops from Aaron’s eyes to his lips. He remembers Aaron kissing him, how soft his lips felt, and his own insistence on them staying friends. He’d had a good reason for it then, but right now he can’t bring himself to care.

Aaron makes a surprised noise when Robert kisses him, grabbing him by the shoulders to push him away. “Whoa- what are you doing?”

“Kissing you,” Robert says simply, “what’s it look like?”

Aaron frowns. “I thought we were gonna be just friends.”

“And friends never kiss each other?” Robert tries to quip, his smile faltering when Aaron seems less than amused. “Aaron, please,” he then continues, reaching up to place a hand at the base of Aaron’s throat. “Just this once. I need you.”

That seems to do the trick, since Aaron leans back in and presses his lips to Robert’s. It’s gentle, like he’s afraid that Robert might break if he goes too fast - which is a nice enough thought, but Robert is desperate and needy and too impatient to take things slow.

He deepens the kiss, pushing Aaron back so he’s pressed back against the car door with Robert sprawled on top of him. Aaron wraps an arm around his shoulders, pulling him closer as Robert hungrily explores every inch of his mouth with his tongue.

Aaron is hot against him and Robert can feel him harden against his belly. The sensation pulls him down to the floor, somehow managing to make room for himself in the tiny space as he kisses his way down Aaron’s body over his shirt. Aaron quivers under his touch, tugging at Robert’s hair as Robert makes quick work of his belt and zipper.

As he swallows down around Aaron, Robert’s mind finally goes blank for the first time in days. There’s no past, present or future, nothing else matters except the ache in his jaw and the beautiful way Aaron moans his name. For a few, blissful moments, Robert is completely calm.

It doesn’t last for nearly long enough. Robert tries to drag it out for as long as he can, but eventually they’re both completely spent and he knows that his absence must have been noted by now. It’s time to go back, face the music and get through the rest of this horrible, horrible day.

Aaron is quiet, almost eerily so, as they make themselves presentable again. He struggles getting his tie back on properly, so Robert intervenes and ties it for him, noting how Aaron avoids eye contact even when they’re so close together again.

“What are you thinking about?” Robert asks, keeping his gaze on his hands wrapping the fabric around itself.

“Nothing,” Aaron murmurs.

“You sure?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.” Robert knows that Aaron is lying, but decides not to push - there’s no time to delve into it anyway, so he’s not even sure why he asked in the first place. He makes a final adjustment to the tie and smiles to himself. “There. Perfect.”

As expected, Robert’s sudden disappearance has been noticed. “I just needed some air,” he tells Vic, coating the lie in just enough truth to make it believable. She frowns worriedly at that, so he hugs her and reassures her that he’s fine and that she doesn’t need to worry.

Wakes are a strange thing. There never seems to be a set time for how long they’re supposed to be, so people just hang around however long they feel like. Some people, who only really came for the food, start heading out soon after Robert’s come back, while Jack’s closer friends stay a lot longer.

There’s maybe a handful of people left outside of the family when Andy makes his way over to Robert, who’s sitting by himself in the corner close to the doors. He’s got two glasses of what looks like whisky with him, and places one in front of Robert before sitting down.

“What’s this?” Robert asks, bringing up the glass to his nose; it smells of smoke and cinnamon and childhood, of honey and tar and farmhouse living rooms.

“Ardbeg Scotch,” Andy replies. “Dad’s-”

“Dad’s favourite,” Robert finishes for him, smiling.

Andy nods. “Yeah. Peace offering, or whatever.”

“Right.” Robert looks across the room and catches Katie’s eye just before she looks away, making it obvious that she’s been watching them. “Can’t stop herself from meddling, can she? Had a go at me earlier n’all.”

Andy chuckles. “Not really, no. Has to be right about everything, that one.”

Robert shakes his head. “Sounds like our Katie.”

An awkward silence falls between them, lasting just a little too long before Andy speaks up again. “Rob, listen … I shouldn’t have made such a big deal about the money. You were just trying to help, I know that.”

“It’s fine,” Robert assures him. “I think you might even have been right, at least a little. It’s not that I wanted to upstage the rest of you or anything, but … you were all here with him, at the end. You had so much more time with him, so I guess I wanted to make up for that somehow.”

“Makes sense, I guess. But you’re here now, and I’m at least happy that you are. It’s been nice - to have the whole family back together again.”

Robert chuckles darkly. “Except we’re not all here, are we?”

“You know what I mean,” Andy scoffs. “It’s good that you’re here, Robert. I’ve missed having my brother around.”

There’s so many things Andy leaves unsaid, but that Robert still picks up on; the fire and their mum’s death, everything surrounding Katie, the constant fighting for whatever scraps of affection their dad had been willing to dish out. Years and years of fighting, of hating each other, none of which can be undone by a single conversation.

But Robert wishes that it could. Because he’s missed Andy too. They were everything to each other once, and while they may never be able to be that again, he would like to try.

He clears his throat. “I’ve missed you too, Andy.”

Andy grins and raises his glass. “I’ll drink to that.”

Robert clinks his glass against Andy’s, and tries not to grimace when the scotch runs down his throat. He’s never been a whisky person, leaning more towards expensive bottles of red wine, but the smokey burn makes him feel closer to his dad - and despite everything, that’s something he still wants.

He glances over at Katie again. “By the way; I know you probably don’t care about my opinion, and you shouldn’t, but if you were ever thinking about getting engaged again, you should know I support ya.”

Andy blinks, clearly caught off guard. “Really?”

Robert nods. “Yeah.”

He realises how much he means it. Maybe it’s because he’s had time to fully wrap his head around it since Sarah had brought it up all those months ago, but thinking about it has him surprisingly calm; Andy and Katie make sense, and even though the teenager in him will always love Katie, Robert can’t imagine a future with her, so it feels unnecessary to kick up a fuss over old grudges.

Something lights up in Andy’s eyes. “That’s good to hear, Rob. I’ve been thinking about asking her on Valentine’s Day, but now we’ve got everything with Dad and I was worried how you’d react, so I don’t know.”

“I think you should go for it. This family could use something to look forward to.”

As Andy keeps talking, Robert’s eyes keep drifting over to Aaron. He’s still here, sat by a table on the other side of the pub with Vic and Adam and John, his arm casually strewn over the back of John’s chair. He’s taken off his suit jacket and loosened his tie, which reignites the urges Robert thought he’d soothed back at the garage.

Robert is going to come back to Emmerdale more often. He wants to see his family more, and with the promise of another wedding on the horizon, he’ll get to see Aaron in a suit again. That, if anything, is worth looking forward to.

andy & katie

Robert doesn’t know why his siblings keep insisting on getting married in September, but he tells himself that if/when he gets married, literally any other month will be preferable, so he doesn’t have to share anniversaries with not one but two siblings.

A lot has happened in the past few months. Robert’s moved to Manchester in a bid to be closer to Emmerdale, making it easier to just pop by instead of having to plan ahead and take time off work every time, while also making it easier for the rest of the family to visit him in return. It felt strange to move, leaving his hectic London life behind, but it's for a good cause, so it's a small sacrifice in the great scheme of things.

Vic had tried convincing him to actually move back to the village when the move came up, and John had quipped about Robert being too afraid of hard work to move back in a way that made it known he wasn’t entirely joking, but Robert had tried to take it in stride. Moving back to the village wasn’t an option for reasons entirely unknown to John, who’s also said worse things through the years, so Robert is fine with letting him run his mouth.

The move has been interchanged with best man duties. The question had come as a shock to Robert, convinced that Andy was pranking him when he called the day after the engagement became official. But Andy was adamant that he was serious, so Robert couldn’t really do more than humbly accept the offer.

Things are very different from the last time Robert was asked to be Andy's best man; then, he'd woken up in Katie's bed on the day of the wedding and proceeded to drown his own sorrows in a foul tasting whisky bottle as Katie and Andy drove off into the sunset together.

Now, the characters are all the same, but the circumstances different; they're older, wiser, determined not to repeat their old mistakes. Robert wants to prove that he deserves this second chance from Andy, that Andy can trust him, so he's been trying to make sure that Andy and Katie Wedding 2: Electric Boogaloo is an actual success.

He's had to rein himself in more than once. Since they've already done the big fancy wedding, both Andy and Katie want this one to be a smaller affair - no stag or hen do's, no church or mile-long guest list, just family and friends at the Village Hall. It does annoy Robert a little, since he's always loved a big party, but he's tried to tell himself that this wedding isn't actually about him and therefore he has no right to complain.

Andy's at least allowed himself to be talked out of wearing the boring, grey suit he'd initially settled on. Robert had taken one look at it and immediately put in his non-existent veto, which is why they're both standing at the top of a make-shift aisle now, outside the Village Hall under the tree, dressed in matching dark green.

It's obvious that Andy's nervous. He keeps pulling on the sleeve is of his shirt and rolling his shoulders, unable to stay still for more than a couple of seconds at a time.

"Calm down, will ya?" Robert chuckles, putting a calming hand on Andy's back. "You're basically already married, this is all just formalities."

Andy scoffs. "Easy for you to say, you've never actually got married."

"Fair point. But really, Andy, you need to relax. She'll be here any minute, and we can't have you looking like a scared little boy when she does - maybe that's what makes her finally run for the hills."

Andy shakes his head, but a smile spreads across his lips. "You're right, you're right. Thanks, Rob."

"Hey, what are best men for?"

More and more people are arriving, slowly taking their seats. Robert takes a look around, trying to see if anyone else in the family has arrived yet, but they're nowhere to be seen. That has his own nerves fry up a little, since they should all be here already.

Then, to his relief, he spots Vic. She practically runs up the aisle, all curls and smiles and bright eyes, first hugging Robert and then Andy.

"It's finally happening!" she grins, clapping her hands. "I'm so excited, I could burst! And with John's news, this is just the perfect day."

Robert and Andy both frown. "What news?" Andy asks while Robert's attention is drawn past Vic towards the bottom of the aisle.

He almost swallows his own tongue when he sees John and Aaron approaching, holding hands.

It's like something out of Robert's worst nightmares. What he's looking at doesn't make sense, the sight refuses to sink in. It has to be some sort of joke, an elaborate prank designed specifically to make Robert look like an idiot.

More regular visits to Emmerdale had also meant more regular meet-ups with Aaron. They hadn't done that before, and it didn't happen every time, but often enough that Robert had eventually asked for Aaron's number when he was in the village to celebrate his birthday. The texts had mostly just been Robert giving a heads-up whenever he was coming 'round, which Aaron only ever replied to with a thumbs up - and then sometime in early August, he had stopped replying altogether.

Robert had tried telling himself that Aaron's radio silence didn't bother him - it was only a casual fling, after all - except he hadn't done a nearly good enough job to properly convince himself. Whatever thing he and Aaron had, it had been very far from casual; every time they were together, they buried pieces of each other deeper and deeper under the other's skin, seemingly unable to not share their deeply buried secrets.

Aaron had told Robert about how hard it had been to come out, how the shame almost drove him to kill himself and more details from his relationship with Jackson. Robert, in return, had talked about the first couple of months after he got kicked out, when he was living out of his car and couldn't find a steady job, and how he'd always felt out of place within the confines of Emmerdale Village.

Things he'd never shared with anyone, things he'd been determined to take to the grave, had been almost ridiculously easy to share with Aaron, who would listen with patience and without judgement before kissing Robert in a way that made all of his anxieties melt away.

Which is why it feels like he's been punched in the gut now when Aaron very pointedly avoids his gaze.

"What's this?" Andy asks, a slight edge in his voice that brings Robert back to himself.

"Oh," John smiles, feigning surprise. "We've been wanting to tell you all for a while, and isn't this as good a time as any?"

Revealing their relationship in this way must have been John's idea, the whole thing reeks of it. He's never been good at sharing attention, especially with Robert and Andy, so any excuse to move even an ounce of the spotlight over to himself, he'd jump at. And what better way to do it than by announcing your first proper relationship in five years?

Robert clears his throat and plasters on a smile. "Well, big congratulations to you, John. Now, if you don't mind, we have a wedding to see through." He could probably have come up with something more clever and less obviously frustrated, but there's a surge of adrenaline going through him which makes it impossible to think, let alone form any witty one-liners.

John purses his lips together, but before he can say anything back, Aaron tugs him away to grab a seat on the second row. He's still avoiding looking at Robert directly, so Robert has to look back at Andy to properly keep his composure.

"Did you know?" he asks in a low voice.

Andy shakes his head lightly. "No, I had no idea. Guess it makes sense, though."

Robert frowns. "Why?"

"I mean," Andy continues awkwardly. "They're basically the only gay guys in the village, so…"

"Because that's how being gay works, innit? Just grab whatever's available."

"That's not what I meant."

Before Andy can go on to explain what he did mean, the bridal march starts playing and the room quiets down. Robert gives Andy one final encouraging pat on the back before taking his place next to Vic, hoping that the ceremony will give him enough time to stop his head from spinning.

Katie looks just as beautiful as she had done on her first wedding day. She's wearing a sleek, sleeveless gown and her softly curled hair beautifully frames her face. She's walking herself down the aisle, because of course she is, and she only has eyes for Andy. Things are as they should be.

Robert tries not to think about the fact that John and Aaron are sitting right behind him, probably still holding hands. He's not stupid enough to glance back to check, but he can feel it, knows in his bones that they're making it clear to anyone who can see that they're together. John and Aaron. Aaron and John. It sounds wrong, warped somehow, and it makes Robert sick to his stomach.

The ceremony is over too quickly, and before Robert can even blink, they're inside the Village Hall for the the reception, the party already in full swing with music blasting from the speakers and smiles and cheers as far as the eye can see. Robert feels out of place, a black dot in a sea of white, and he doesn't know if he'll be able to dilute himself enough to properly blend in.

Strangely, he expects to see his dad in the crowd. He's still doing that a lot, thinking about his dad as if he was still alive and not catching himself in time, and it hasn't gotten any easier. Luckily - maybe, depending on how you look at it - he doesn't seem to be the only one thinking about Jack today; Diane won't stop crying, and she takes Andy's face in her hands so he can't look away when she tells him how proud Jack would be. Robert tries not to take it personally.

And he keeps trying. He really, really tries not to notice John and Aaron, but they won't stop appearing everywhere he turns, and they won't stop touching. John's hand at the small of Aaron's back, Aaron's hand on John's arm, their fingers interlacing as they move through the crowd. It's like they're shoving it in Robert's face on purpose, and there's no way for him to escape it.

It shouldn't bother him this much. Aaron was never his to begin with, so acting like he's somehow lost him is stupid. That's all easier said and done though, when the anger and the hurt and the jealousy is pouring out of Robert's heart in waves, poisoning his blood stream with every heartbeat.

Dinner doesn't make it any easier. Robert gets a primetime view of John and Aaron from his seat at the top table, can't not stare as they whisper to each other. John looks like he's won the lottery, happily accepting each and every supportive gesture that come their way, as if he hasn't committed a faux pas on par with a woman wearing white to a wedding.

Robert tries to read Aaron's face. He looks content - he doesn't show as much enthusiasm when people come up to them, but that doesn't have to mean anything, not when Aaron is standoffish at the best of times.

Content is different from happy though, and Robert won't accept that this is what makes Aaron happy. He can't accept it.

"Robert?" Diane leans into his field of vision. "I think it's time for your speech, isn't it?"

Shit, the speech.

In the whirlwind of it all, Robert's almost completely forgotten that he's supposed to stand up in front of everyone and say a bunch of well-curated words. He's been working on the speech for weeks, rubbing out every imperfection from what was sure to be the best best man speech ever made.

Now, he can't recall a word of it.

Still, Diane is right, so he stands up and clinks his fork against his glass, silencing the room. He's winged speeches like this before, he can do it again.

"Uh…" he begins, which isn't a great start. "First of all, I want to thank you all for coming. It's been a long and winding road to get here - you see, Andy can't read a map, so he took a wrong turn and had to go the long way 'round."

That gets a small laugh. "As you all know, this year's been a little strange for our family. There's a person missing here tonight, someone who would've loved to be here and see you two off into married life again." He puts a comforting hand on Diane's shoulder. "Dad would've loved this - another wedding, furthering the family legacy and all that. He'd probably be horrified at the posh wine, but nobody's perfect.

"But enough sadness - today is a happy day. I never thought we'd be here again, let alone with me giving another one of these speeches, but hey, miracles do happen. Andy, Katie, you've both put in so much hard work to get to this point, and I'm so grateful to get to be a part of your big day.

"I could stand here for hours and ramble on how perfect you two are for each other, but you'd all get sick of me, so I'll be nice and spare ya. I'll just say though … I'm so happy for you, Andy. After everything you've been through, so you deserve something good in your life. And Katie … I'm honoured to get to call you my sister again. To Andy and Katie!"

It's not a perfect speech, maybe not even a particularly good one, but it seems to do the trick since Andy crushes him in a hug and Diane pats him on the cheek and says that his dad would be proud of him too. Robert doesn't have the heart to correct her.

After that, the party starts. People dance and drink and all seem to have an absolutely incredible time. All except Robert, that is.

If only he could catch Aaron alone, pull him aside and force some kind of answer out of him. But the possibility of that seems to shrink the more time passes, since John and Aaron appear to be glued to each other, never separate for long enough to allow Robert to cut in.

There's a hand on his arm, and when he looks over, Katie's beside him. "Hey," he smiles. "What brings you over here?"

Katie gestures towards the dance floor. "I thought I'd ask my husband's best man for a dance, if that's alright with you."

"Husband's best man and not brother-in-law?"

"Now you're being pedantic."

"Maybe I just like being contrarian."

"Love being right, more like."

Robert laughs. "That's a bit rich, coming from you."

Katie joins in on his laughter. "Takes one to know one, I suppose."

Robert takes her hand and leads her out to the dance floor, letting a hand rest on her waist as they start swaying back and forth. He can feel people's eyes on them and doesn't have to imagine what they're talking about, but Andy seems unbothered by it, so he decides not to care.

"So, how's your wedding turning out so far, Mrs. Sugden?" he asks.

Katie smiles, but it doesn't fully reach her eyes. "It's great. Your speech was nice, thanks for that." Her brow furrows slightly as her gaze trails from Robert and out into the room. When Robert follows it, he notices that she's looking at John and Aaron, who've retreated to a corner, away from the dance floor.

"Guessing you didn't know anything about that either," he says.

Katie scoffs. "Not a clue. If I had, I absolutely wouldn't have allowed them to use my wedding as a relationship launchpad."

Robert tilts his head slightly. "Mad they're stealing your thunder?"

"Well, yeah," Katie snorts. "He's doing this to get back at Andy for not making him best man, I know he is."

John had kicked up a bit of a fuss when he'd found out that Robert had been made best man over him. Not a whole tantrum or anything, but he'd made it known just how betrayed and disappointed he felt, and the snide comments had increased in volume for a bit after.

Robert sort of gets where John had been coming from; Andy and John had technically spent more time together, becoming adults and tackling life alongside one another. But time didn't have to mean anything, considering that Robert had a ten year head start on Andy and still lost the race for their dad's favour. Sometimes, the brother that brought you into his family and stole your girl and also sort of tried to kill you once is the preferable option to the brother who's spent years being just sort of annoying.

With the knowledge of all of that, and after a lifetime of not being chosen, Robert had allowed himself to gloat for just a few moments, and if John had just happened to be around when he did so, that's nobody's business but his own.

"He never was good at not getting what he wants," he chuckles. "Guess that's what happens when you're an only child for the first fourteen years of your life."

"Maybe." Katie looks up at him, her eyes jumping across his face in search of something. "How are you feeling about it?"

"About what?"

"Them. John and Aaron."

Robert's heart jumps into his throat. "Uh- good for them, I guess? John's been single long enough - I just hope Aaron knows what he's getting into. We all know how the Aidan thing ended."

Of course, Robert doesn't actually know a lot of the details about how the Aidan thing ended, since Vic had been quite tight lipped about it. But he's never let that stop him before, and making Katie laugh at John's expense makes the whole thing a little easier to deal with.

"Right." Katie's about to say something else, but Robert's attention is diverted when he sees Aaron finally free himself from John to go out the back, and as his first string of good luck all evening, the song comes to an end at the same time.

Robert quickly makes himself free from Katie's arms, muttering something about needing the bogs before darting after Aaron. It might be a little obvious, but this might be his only chance and he's not about to squander it.

His lucky streak continues when he finds Aaron alone outside, lighting a cigarette. The sun has already set, draping a heavy darkness over the village, and the ember lights up Aaron's face as he takes a drag. If Robert wasn't so angry with him, maybe he'd be able to appreciate how good Aaron looks in his suit, leaned back against the wall, but instead it just adds insult to injury.

"I thought you'd quit." Robert tries to keep his voice steady, tries to keep the rage out of it.

Aaron looks up, scowling as he taps some ashes off the cigarette. "I have."

"What's that then?"

"A setback?"

"Sure. And that thing with John in there, is that a setback too? 'Case I'd hardly call chucking up with a bloke you fucked once years ago progress."

Aaron's jaw clenches. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Robert scoffs. "Oh, don't play stupid, Aaron, you know exactly what I mean. You drop me without a word and then you show up here with my brother? Hard launching at a wedding, that's tacky even for John, since I'm guessing it was his idea."

Aaron chuckles darkly and pushes himself off the wall. "I dunno why you're so bothered. It's not like we were anything official, anyway."

"Is that how you justify it to yourself?"

"What is there to justify, exactly?" Aaron takes a step closer. "I've got a boyfriend now, and yeah, he happens to be your brother, but what I do and who I see is none of your business, so why don't you do one."

"So that's it?" Robert huffs. "You're going to look me in the eye and tell me you feel nothing for me?"

"Does it matter?"

Robert can't make out why Aaron is behaving like this. Something about him has changed since he saw him last; he's resigned, more closed off, seemingly determined to not give Robert an inch. Of course, that only makes Robert more determined to find out what he's hiding.

"Why are you being like this?" he asks, his fingers itching to reach out and touch, soothe, comfort. "I thought … I thought we had something."

"And what was that, exactly?" Aaron drops the cigarette to the ground and crosses his arms. "A couple shags, a few deep conversations? That's not anything, Robert, especially not when you then leave me and go on acting straight."

Robert's mouth falls open, suddenly dry. "You don't mean that," he manages. "It was more than that, and you know it."

"So what?!" Aaron shakes his head. "Be honest, Robert; did you ever see us going anywhere? Can ya see us spending our lives together?"

"Yes."

The word rolls off Robert's tongue before he can stop it, settling heavily between them. Robert realises he means it; if he thinks about it, imagines his future, Aaron is right there at the centre of it all.

"Right." Aaron nods slowly, his eyes wet with tears now. "And this future, does that include being out to your family? Could you go in there right now and tell them about us?"

"I…"

For maybe the first time in his life, Robert is genuinely at a loss for words. Just the thought of telling his family, letting them see the parts of himself that always seemed incompatible with life in Emmerdale, has his throat closing up.

Aaron purses his lips together. "I didn't think so. You're never gonna come out, Robert, and that's fine. You're gonna be miserable for the rest of your life, but that's the life you've chosen. But I can't be part of that - I can't spend my life with someone who's only able to be with me in secret. I fought too hard with my own coming out to go back in the closet again, and I need someone who's not afraid of being with me."

"You know why I can't come out," Robert murmurs, as if it's going to make any difference.

"Do I? John's out, and your family supports him, so it's not like they wouldn't support ya. And your dad's not here anymore either, so what are you so scared of?"

"But I'm not John though, am I? I'm me, and I don't get that kind of supportive treatment. And things might be good now, but that's just until I step out of line next. Then I'm out in the cold again."

"And being with me would be stepping out of line?"

"Now you're putting words in my mouth."

"Am I? Because that's exactly what it sounds like to me."

Robert is losing this argument, he can feel it start to slip through his fingers. He's losing the argument, losing Aaron, and he doesn't know what to do to stop it. So, true to form, he does something stupid.

He lunges forward, taking Aaron's face in his hands to lock him in a kiss. He tries to pour all the words he cannot say into it, silently begging and pleading with Aaron to wait, to stay, I'll figure something out I swear just please don't go, don't leave when all I've ever wanted is you.

To his surprise, Aaron kisses him back. His hands grab Robert's wrists, his calloused fingers rough against the thin skin there, and he lets Robert pull him closer. For a few, blissful seconds, Robert convinces himself that it's working.

Then, Aaron shoves him away with such force that Robert stumbles back a couple of steps.

"No." Aaron runs his fingers over his mouth. "No, I won't let you do this. What I have with John is good, and I won't let you ruin it."

Robert chuckles sarcastically. "If what you have with John is so good, you wouldn't have kissed me back."

"You don't know anything about us," Aaron growls. "You know what, I don't have to deal with any of this. Stay away from me, Robert. If you ever considered yourself my friend, you'll respect that."

He passes by Robert, heading for the door. Just as he reaches for the handle, Robert remembers how to use his voice.

"Would things have been different - if I was out?"

Aaron turns to look at him, and there's such profound sadness in his eyes that Robert's knees almost give out.

"I guess we'll never know," he says.

Then he's gone, disappearing back inside to his boyfriend and the real world, leaving Robert behind in the dark.

Once the door shuts, Robert lets out a tense breath and almost collapses on the spot. He stumbles into the wall, sliding along it down to the ground so he can rest his elbows on his knees as he runs his hands through his hair, tugging at the roots because maybe the pain will distract from the fact that he's just ruined the best thing he had going on in his life.

Today was supposed to be a happy day. Robert was supposed to find joy in his brother finding love, and instead that very thing is making the world come apart around him.

There's a cruel irony to it all. Robert feels more included in the family than he has in a long time, yet he's never felt more alone. And what's worse is that he only has himself to blame; he knew that getting involved with Aaron was dangerous, knew that he was chasing after what he can't have and had done it anyway, with no regard for the consequences.

He'd been so busy making sure he didn't fall into old patterns with Katie that he hadn't realised that he'd just swapped her out, exchanged her golden hair and sharp wit for Aaron's strong hands and ocean eyes.

The minutes pass and Robert won't stop shaking. He tells himself that it's because he's been outside for however many minutes and while September has been warmer than usual, the evening temperatures are still on the wrong side of chilly and his limbs are starting to feel stiff from the cold. One more lie can't hurt him.

When he finally makes his way inside, he makes a beeline for the bogs, spraying cold water on his face until the skin around his eyes isn't puffy anymore and he looks halfway presentable. People are bound to notice that something's off, but he decides to blame it on the alcohol and let people speculate however much they want. They'll never be able to guess the truth anyway.

Aaron is back by John's side when Robert returns, his arm possessively wrapped around John's waist. He's doing it to prove a point, that much is obvious, especially since the hold seems to tighten when his eyes meet Robert's from across the room.

"There you are!"

Robert turns his head just in time to brace himself before Andy's palm comes slamming down in between his shoulder blades. Andy's grinning from ear to ear, his cheeks flushed and his eyes unfocused. Katie's right behind him, her expression soft as she looks at Andy.

"Sorry, got held up," Robert says offhandedly, hoping that his brother is drunk enough to just go along with it. "You having a good time?"

"That I am!" Andy exclaims. "Y'know, this might be the best wedding I've even been to."

"I should think so," Katie cuts in, shaking her head. "I'll make it your last otherwise."

"You heard her," Robert chuckles, his shoulders relaxing a bit. Lighthearted conversation with Andy and Katie is just what he needs to take his mind off of things.

"Hey," he continues, reaching into the inner breast pocket of his suit to pull out a small piece of paper. "While I've got ya both. I haven't given you your wedding present yet, so here."

He hands over the paper, a cheque, to Andy, whose eyes widen when he notices the number written on it.

"Rob, we can't accept this," he says while showing it to Katie, whose brows immediately furrow.

"Hey," Robert protests. "No take backs. Think of it as an investment in the farm. I don't throw my money around lightly, Andy, and I only make good investments."

He's seen the work both Andy and Katie have been putting into making the farm work. It's been an uphill climb that's not even close to start paying off yet, but Robert knows that it will.

Or at least, he wants it to. He'd meant it, what he said when Andy first brought up the prospect at Vic and Adam's wedding; the Sugdens have been farmers since the dawn of time, and there should at least be one person carrying that legacy forward. And better Andy than him, who's always felt out of place moving sheep and filtering grain.

Andy still looks hesitant, but Katie snatches the cheque out of his hands before he can do something stupid like giving it back to Robert.

"Thank you, Robert," she says, coming up to hug him. "Thank you."

Robert pats her on the back, not wanting to have her pressed up against him for too long, in case the familiarity of her arms around him sends him over the edge and he breaks down in her arms. He'd ruined the memory of her first wedding day, so he's determined not to do it to this one.

Once he manages to shake Katie and Andy, Robert gets a bottle of wine from the bar and retreats to the corner of the room. He should be going for something stronger to properly drink his sorrows away, but since he's going to feel like shit tomorrow anyway, he might as well drink something he actually likes.

He's has almost emptied the bottle when John appears in front of him. He's wearing a mask of concern, but even in his drunken state, Robert can see how performative it is.

"Sod off, John," he mutters, glaring at him as John sits down.

"Can't do that, I'm afraid," John replies, voice silky smooth and condescending. "Not when you're in this state."

Robert huffs. "I'm fine - just grand, actually."

"Right." John tilts his head. "Except last time you got this drunk at a wedding it was because you were sleeping with Katie."

The reminder hurts, yet another example of Robert being unable to break the cycle, repeating the same mistakes over and over and never learning. It stings even more coming from John, who's being cruel on purpose and yet doesn't know just how much he's twisting the knife.

Robert laughs bitterly. "And you think I'd ever go back there again?"

"You never know with you. You don't seem to have much luck in the relationship department, so maybe you wanted to try and relive the glory days."

"The glory days being when I was seventeen? Come on, John, even you're not stupid enough to believe that. Me and Katie are in the past, so leave it."

"Then why are you drinking?"

"None of your business."

"So just general moping and feeling sorry for yourself then." John shakes his head. "It's not our fault you're alone, Robert, so the least you could do is suck it up for one day so we don't have to worry about you."

"Well, at least I'm not hijacking my brother's wedding to rub my relationship in everyone's faces," Robert spits. "Must've felt pretty good to upstage Andy like that, you've been all anyone's been talking about all evening."

John's eye twitches. "You don't have to be jealous, Robert."

"Jealous?!" Robert snorts. "What's there to be jealous of? Your one-month relationship with some bloke you've probably worn down until he gave in just so you'd stop whinging? Or maybe he just settled for ya since it's either you or Finn Barton - so at least you can be happy you're not the least fuckable gay bloke in this village."

It's a miscalculation and several steps over the line, Robert knows it as soon as the words leave his mouth. He's taken Andy's dumb but ultimately innocent words from before and weaponized them to hit John where it hurts, and he's dragged Aaron into it to do it.

"Oh wow," John breathes, and Robert can't even enjoy the fact that the smug mask he'd sat down with is starting to crack. "I knew you were a lot of things, Robert, but homophobic? That's low even for you."

He promptly leaves, and Robert is so close to going after him to apologise. But something stops him at the last minute, that feeling that's always kept him from owning his mistakes before, the one that tells him it's shameful and weak to admit wrongdoing, especially when John or Andy are involved.

So he stays seated, instead letting his eyes follow John as he makes his way back to Aaron. Robert watches Aaron's face as John talks, tries to read his expression as John no doubts presents the whole thing as way worse than it actually was.

Aaron is hurt, that much is obvious. He nods slowly as John continues to speak, scrunching up his face at several points. Robert wants to bolt across the room, explain to Aaron that he didn't mean it, that John was winding him up and he's drunk and already hurt himself and can't Aaron understand that he never meant for any of this to happen?

Instead, he stays frozen in place, silently watching as Aaron turns his head to look at him. Even from across the room, Robert can pick up on the hurt and anger and (worst of all) disappointment that colours Aaron's every feature, and it makes him feel small.

This wasn't how it was supposed to go.

john & aaron

If Robert could be literally anywhere else, he would be.

But he doesn't have much of a choice. The past couple of months have been tense enough as is, and showing up to John and Aaron's wedding and staying out of everyone's way is just the latest of the multitude of ways he's had to grovel to get back into everyone's good graces lately, so it's fine.

He'd gotten in trouble, real trouble, for what he said to John back in September. Andy had sort of tried to defend him, but Diane and Vic had been so genuinely horrified that whatever he'd tried to say fell on deaf ears.

Robert had almost forgotten what it was like to be on the outside like this, with everyone using his mistakes as bats to beat him over the head with, always quick to believe the absolute worst of him and not listening when he tries to explain and defend himself.

Of course, explaining why he'd said what he said to John was a non-starter, since that would involve telling his family that oh yeah, by the way, I like blokes and have been shagging Adam's best mate on and off for two years, so he'd had to swallow every retort to every jibe and reprimand with no way of even attempting to make his actions come off as less awful, all to prove that he can be trusted in civil society again.

He's not homophobic. Or maybe he is, if hating the gay parts of yourself counts as that. He'd just wanted John to hurt, to get back at him for taking Aaron from him, and the quickest way to do that had been to make him feel small and unwanted. He hadn't meant for Aaron to get caught in the crossfire.

Aaron.

Robert had assumed that since any chance of them being … well, them, again, was over, seeing him would get easier with time. It seemed clear-cut enough; it would hurt and keep hurting for a while, but eventually he would start to move on, as much as you can move on from something that hadn't really been anything in the first place.

Unfortunately, that has not been the case. Instead, every time Robert has been in the village and run into Aaron, it's like his feelings multiply tenfold, making it all the harder to watch Aaron go back to John, love John and be loved by John.

They've barely spoken to each other in eight months, only the occasional conversation here and there. This is mostly due to the fact that John had made a big show of telling Robert off, milking as much sympathy as he could out of Robert's outburst and refusing to even be in Robert's vicinity until Vic and Diane had forced Robert to apologise.

It had been humiliating, and Robert could tell that John got way too much pleasure out of it, but it made Vic stop looking at him with eyes full of heartbreak, so he tries to count the small victories.

Despite all of that though, Aaron had kept avoiding him. All par for the course, really, but Robert had wished it would stop hurting so much when Aaron would avoid his gaze whenever they were all together, every look away like a dagger piercing straight through Robert's heart. Because of that, he'd stopped coming around the village as much, giving Vic the excuse that he didn't want to make John and Aaron any more uncomfortable than he already had.

Nothing could've prepared him for the phone call he got from Vic in late February.

John and Aaron are engaged! she'd happily announced, not taking any notice of Robert going quiet on the other end of the phone.

It didn't make any sense at all. It was all happening too fast. Robert had tried to do the maths in his head; Aaron had stopped replying to his texts in August, which is probably when he started seriously seeing John, but that meant that this relationship was only six months old at the time of the engagement.

John rushing into an engagement made sense - he probably wants to lock Aaron down as fast as possible, now that he finally has him - but Robert can't for the life of him understand why Aaron would say yes to a proposal this early on.

He has even less understanding for setting the wedding only three months later.

Yet here he is, back in Emmerdale in late May, getting himself ready to watch his brother and the man of his dreams tie the knot. Story of his fucking life.

The colour of his suit doesn't matter, how he styles his hair doesn't matter, what cologne he chooses doesn't matter. Nothing fucking matters, because he doesn't want to look back on this day ever again, so the details of it might as well be irrelevant.

His phone buzzes, Vic❤️ appears on the screen.

"Vic?" Robert's a little confused as he picks up. John had asked Vic to be his best woman - a very obvious dig at Andy for not picking him - so Robert had assumed she'd be too busy to pay him much attention today.

"Robert." Vic sounds stressed, a little out of breath. "Listen. I forgot the rings at the pub last night. I'd go get them myself but we're doing some last minute prep here I can't get out of and neither Andy or Adam's picking up so … could you maybe go and get them?"

It's obvious that she doesn't really want to be asking him, he's probably at the very bottom of the list of people she wants involved with this whole circus. But she's still asking him, and even though the thought of aiding this thing in anyway turns Robert's stomach, he's also never been able to turn Vic down for almost anything.

"Of course," he says. "I'm leaving now, so I'll swing by on the way."

"You're the best, Robert," Vic says, relieved, and Robert wishes he could believe her.

Robert leaves the bathroom at the B&B, giving Val a grateful smile before heading out. He'd arrived early that morning and she'd let him get ready there so he wouldn't have to drive up to Andy at Wylies. Robert wants to interact as little as possible with anyone in his family today, and is going to stay stone cold sober so he can drive back to Manchester as soon as it's socially acceptable to do so.

The village is practically buzzing with excitement as Robert makes his way from the B&B to the pub, people dressed to the teeth wherever he turns. They all look so happy, giddily looking forward to taking part in John and Aaron's big day.

There's a new barmaid manning the bar that Robert's never seen before, so it doesn't take much to convince her to let him in through the back - a well placed smile, a slightly flirty tone, things he could do in his sleep.

As he steps into the back room, he realises that he should've asked Vic where she'd left the rings, because he doesn't even know where to begin. She doesn't pick up the phone and doesn't immediately answer the text he sends afterwards, so after quick scan of the room that doesn't tell him anything, he walks over to the couch and starts digging between the cushions.

"What are you doing?"

Robert looks up, stunned when he realises that the eyes that greet him belong to Aaron. Stormy blue eyes, full of shock and confusion, look back at him, and Robert suddenly can't form a single coherent thought.

"I…" he stutters, standing up straight and running a hand through his hair. "Vic, she- she sent me over. Forgot the rings here last night, so I'm trying to find them."

"Right." Aaron slowly reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny box. "These rings?"

"Unless you've got some other pair lying around somewhere."

There's a tug on Aaron's lips, a hint of a smile before he seems to catch himself. "Not that I know of. You needn't've bothered, I found them in the bathroom and texted Vic that I'll bring them, so."

"Oh." Robert quickly takes out his phone just as a text from Vic rolls in, telling him that exact thing. "Well, that's five minutes I'll never get back."

"I think you'll live." Aaron fiddles with the box in his hands, his eyes drifting from Robert again.

"Yeah."

Robert doesn't know what to say. Or rather, he doesn't know where to begin. He never thought he'd be alone with Aaron again, so standing here with him now brings back every emotion he's tried to bury and move on from. It's a little overwhelming.

"Aaron…" he murmurs, slowly circling the couch. "About what I said at the wedding … you've got to know that I never meant to hurt ya, right?"

"Really?" Aaron scrunches up his face. "'Cause it felt like the opposite."

"I know, and I'm sorry. I was hurt and when I'm hurt I tend to lash out. But you shouldn't have got caught up in any of that, you didn't deserve it."

"But John did?"

"Maybe not him either. But he came over and started having a go at me for no reason, so he might've deserved it just a little bit."

"Right." Aaron nods slowly. "That all?"

Robert looks at Aaron. Properly looks at him. He's dressed in a beige suit that shouldn't do anything for anyone yet he's still pulling it off somehow. He's gained some weight recently so his cheeks are rounder. His hair is trimmed short on the side, the curls Robert knows he's hiding under all the gel nowhere to be seen.

It's like he walked straight out of Robert's wildest dreams, every part of him perfectly designed to fulfil every fantasy Robert has ever had.

Robert loves Aaron. He probably always will.

"Are ya happy?"

That's all he needs to know. If Aaron is happy, if this is what he truly wants, then Robert's not going to stop him. He's going to do what he does best; file away his love for Aaron in some drawer deep in his chest and never open it again, no matter how painful keeping it shut is going to be. He's the master of repression, so it'll be child's play.

Aaron's face does something Robert can't quite describe, and before he can open his mouth, the door behind him opens and Chas Dingle comes through it.

She scoffs as soon as she lays eyes on Robert. "What are you doing here?"

Robert clears his throat. "Oh. Just a miscommunication. Vic forgot the rings, but Aaron's got them, so crisis averted."

"Right," Chas replies, clearly not entirely convinced. "Well, off you go then. And you better not make any trouble today, or you'll have me to deal with."

Robert raises his hands in surrender. "You won't even know I'm here, I promise."

He takes one last look at Aaron, who's looking back at him with a hard-set, unreadable expression. He's not giving an inch, and for all that Robert would like to, he can't stay here until he relents and lets him in. The time for that has longed passed.

"Congratulations," he murmurs, giving Aaron one last smile that he hopes reads as happy instead of grief-stricken before turning around and going back out through where he came in.

He can barely breathe once he's out on the street. Leaving Aaron behind in there felt final somehow, like a door closing with no way of going back through it. If Robert had any plans of changing today's outcome, that chance has been lost now.

Andy and Katie come walking up to the Village Hall at the same time as Robert approaches. They look nice, put together like a matching set, which only makes Robert feel even more alone and out of place.

"I wish you'd come and stayed with us," Andy says once they've said hello. "We barely see you these days."

Robert chuckles. "Who'd've known you'd ever say that like it's a bad thing."

"See, miracles do happen," comes from Katie, who's looking at Robert with a thoughtful look in her eye, seemingly examining him in search of something. "How're you doing?"

"Me?" Robert plasters on a grin, determined to put on the acting performance of a lifetime. "I'm just grand. My little brother's getting married, happy days!"

"Yeah, and to a Dingle no less," Andy says with playful disgust, like he doesn't have two kids with the Dingle crown princess.

"Dad would've been horrified," Robert joins in, trying not to think too hard about what his dad would've had to say about any of this.

"I can just imagine his face. John, couldn't you have chosen better for yourself?" Andy laughs, attempting his worst Jack Sugden impression, which still makes Robert's heart beat a little harder in his chest.

"Right," he says, eager to change the subject. "Are we going inside, or what?"

Andy is just about to fall in line with him when Katie stops them. "Hang on. Andy, you go on inside, I just need to have a word with Robert."

"What? Why?" Robert and Andy both frown.

"You'll see. Go on."

Katie practically shoves Andy towards the doors, waiting until he's disappeared inside before grabbing Robert by the arm and dragging him over so they're hiding behind one of the big trees next to the Village Hall.

"Hey, let go of me!" Robert pulls his arm away, scowling. "What the hell's got into you?!"

"Well, I need to do something before you make the biggest mistake of your life," Katie spits, crossing her arms and scowling right back.

"Me?! What have I done now?!"

"It's more what you haven't done. I can't believe that you're gonna let Aaron go through with this."

Robert's next retort dies in his throat, and all he can do is just stare at her, dumbfounded. What she's just said makes no sense, so surely he's dreaming or having some kind of episode, because how could she possibly know?

"Wh- what do you mean?" he stutters, and immediately knows he's done for.

"Oh, don't play stupid with me," Katie scoffs. "You're in love with Aaron and you're about to let him walk away, don't even bother trying to deny it."

Robert's mouth keeps opening and closing, like he's a fish on dry land. He can't form a coherent thought, let alone piece a sentence together.

He realises that he's terrified. Katie's just exposed him, pulled his most closely guarded secret out into the open and forced him to confront it. There's no hiding from it, no way of talking himself out of it, not when Katie is looking at him with such intensity that he can't look away even if he wanted to.

"How…" he finally manages. "How did you know?"

Katie sighs. "I didn't, not at first. But I pieced it together when John started whinging about you giving Aaron a lift after Jack and Diane's vow renewal. Then I just had to look out for it, and sure enough, you went missing at the same time at the funeral and a bunch of times after that and then you were both clearly shaken about summat at our wedding."

"And that couldn't have been pure coincidence?"

"Not when it's two blokes who like blokes, no."

Robert frowns. "You mean … You mean you knew?"

"I've always known, Robert. I know you, remember?"

"You never said anything."

"Because I didn't wanna scare ya! And there was so much else going on and then … then Sadie happened and I didn't see you for ten years, so it's not like there was ever a good time."

Robert has to lean against the tree since he's close to toppling over. He's being fed too much information all at once, his world has been basically turned upside down in the span of about a minute.

Katie knows. She says she's always known. About him, what he is. Robert has never said the word bisexual out loud before, too afraid of the power it holds, but that's what he is. And Katie knows.

"And you don't hate me?"

The question leaves his mouth before he can wrap his head around it, and then it's out there and Katie's face falls.

"Oh, god no," she says. "I've hated you for a lot of reasons, Robert, but never for that."

The tension in Robert's shoulders ease, the relief her words bring almost overwhelming. Before he can stop himself, he pulls Katie in for a hug, almost crushing her with how tightly he holds her. Her arms wrap around him in turn, holding him as he tries to find strength and comfort in her embrace.

She knows, has always known, and she doesn't hate him. She's even been able to love him in spite of it.

Neither of them say anything for a few moments. Katie seems to want to wait Robert out, lets him hold her until he feels ready to let go.

"I am sorry about Sadie," is for some reason the first thing Robert says when he pulls away, which is stupid since it's been almost fifteen years and they've long since moved on.

"I know." Katie pats his arm. "So, what are you gonna do?"

"About what?"

"About Aaron, obviously."

Robert shakes his head. "I'm not gonna do anything. He made his choice."

"And you're just gonna accept that? You, Robert Sugden, who's never taken no for an answer ever in your life?"

"What do you want me to say, Katie? Aaron doesn't want me. He's happy with John, so why should I mess with that?"

Katie scoffs. "You think he's happy with John? I've never seen anyone so miserable in a relationship before in my life."

"Sounds like you're reading a little too much into things."

"Am not! Robert, you're not here all the time, so you don't see everything. It's so obvious that Aaron puts up a front whenever you're around, because when you're not, it's night and day. It's like he's not himself, like he's resigned himself to his fate or summat. He's not happy, I know he isn't."

"Then why's everyone always saying how great they are together?"

Katie shrugs. "I dunno. Maybe they just don't see it or maybe they're wilfully blind because they want Aaron to settle down or whatever, but I'm telling you, Robert - if you just looked for it, you'd see it too."

Robert reaches up to pull on his tie that suddenly feels too tight around his throat. "Well, what do you want me to do about it? The only way we could ever be together is if I told everyone I'm … and I can't do that."

Katie frowns. "Why not?"

"Doesn't matter. It's just impossible, alright?"

"But-"

"No. Thank you, Katie, really, but you're too late. I've accepted that this is the way things are, and it's for the best if you do the same."

Katie looks at him for what feels like an eternity, clearly not wanting to let it go. But Robert just stares back at her - she may be stubborn, but so is he, and he's determined to make sure that this is where the conversation ends.

Finally, Katie sighs. "Fine. But you're gonna regret it."

"Probably."

They walk inside in silence, quickly taking their seats on the second row next to Andy, who tries and fails to get anything of substance out of them as to why they remained outside. He doesn't look happy about it, but Robert has dealt with Andy's annoyance before, so it's fine.

He smiles softly at Vic, who's waiting anxiously at the top of the aisle with Adam. They haven't had it easy lately - Adam's infertility has thrown their family plans completely off course - but they seem to be working their way through it, even if it's clearly a painful process for both of them, which tells Robert that they'll probably last forever.

The music starts, some non-traditional tune that Robert doesn't recognise, and the room goes quiet.

Diane walks John down the aisle, kissing him on the cheek before sitting down right in front of Robert. Robert wonders if she'd ever do the same for him, or if he'd even consider asking her. He's not sure.

Chas has never looked prouder as she escorts Aaron towards John, and Paddy has tears in his eyes. Robert remembers Aaron telling him about when he first came to Emmerdale, how Paddy gave him kindness and unconditional love for the first time and helped him accept himself for who he was, how Paddy had been a better dad to him than his actual dad had ever been.

Robert allows himself to think about, for what's probably the umpteenth time, how much different his life would've been if his own dad had been even half as supportive as Paddy. If he could've forced him to accept him for who he was eventually, or if Jack would've found something else to fault him for no matter what. A stupid question to ponder on, since he'll never find the answer.

"Good afternoon everyone," the marriage officiant proclaims when everyone has sat down, "and on behalf of John and Aaron, I would like to extend a warm welcome to the Emmerdale Village Institute."

Her voice fades away as Robert's eyes drift to Aaron. There's sunshine coming in through the windows that light up his face, and even from a distance, Robert can see how his eyes shimmer. He's beautiful and wonderful and, most importantly, someone else's, about to cement that fact in stone.

Katie's words come back to Robert. He's not happy, I know he isn't. If you just looked for it, you'd see it too.

That's what he'd asked Aaron, back at the pub. If he's happy. Aaron hadn't answered him then, since Chas had interrupted them, but as Robert thinks back on it, that strikes him as strange. If Aaron truly was happy, wouldn't he just have said so? Wouldn't that have shown clearly on his face?

"These vows are a formal and public pledge of their love and a promise of a lifelong commitment to each other."

Robert can hear the officiant now, but it's like she's speaking through a filter as Robert's mind starts racing.

Thinking back to Andy and Katie's wedding, Aaron hadn't cemented his happiness then either. What I have with John is good, that's what he'd said. Like he was partially trying to convince himself that it was true, as if good is what's most important in a relationship.

If you just looked for it, you'd see it too.

Robert looks at Aaron, who's looking at John with soft eyes. But there's a tension in his jaw that shouldn't be there, something off in his posture. It's not right.

"-we are here today to witness the joining in matrimony of this couple and to share in their happiness."

Robert's hands are starting to shake as the adrenaline pumps through his body. An idea is starting to form in his head, one that could potentially end in disaster.

If he goes through with it and it backfires, he's going to lose his family, probably forever. Andy and Katie might keep him around, but there's no guarantee. And even if it works, they might not want anything to do with him anyway.

Robert has worked so hard to get back in with his family. He didn't think he'd ever get back to them again, or that he wanted to, but it's hard to imagine his life without them now. The thought of going back to a life without Vic and Andy and Katie in it scares him a little.

"If there is any person here present who knows of any lawful impediment to this marriage, then they should declare it now."

Robert looks over at Katie, who raises her brows at him in a silent challenge. Well? It's now or never.

She'll stand by him. Even if he crashes and burns every bridge he's spent the better part of three years building. At least he'll have that.

When he looks back at Aaron again, it's just in time to catch Aaron glancing over at him.

Fuck it. Robert has never been good at stopping his impulses before, so why should he start now?

"Well," he starts, standing up and immediately tensing the atmosphere in the room, "I don't know about lawful, but I know they can't get married."

"Robert, what are you doing?" Vic looks at him, horrified.

"Oh, here he goes again," John scoffs, rolling his eyes. "Gay marriage has been legal in this country for years, Robert, welcome to the modern world."

Robert laughs. "You think I'm objecting because you're gay? Shows how much you know."

"Then what possible reason could you have for making a fool of yourself like this?"

"Oh, that's easy," Robert grins, looking over at Aaron, who's looking like he's forgotten how to breathe. "You can't get married because Aaron doesn't love you."

John chuckles darkly. "Oh yeah? What makes you so sure?"

Robert exhales, his shoulders relaxing. "Because he loves me."

The room goes eerily quiet, so quiet that Robert is sure that they can all hear the beating of his heart as it tears at his ribcage. He's all adrenaline now, the only thing keeping him upright.

"Robert…" Aaron is the first to speak, his voice shaky and small.

"You wanted my family to know, right?" Robert holds out his arms. "So here I am, telling them."

"Well, I didn't mean it like this!" Aaron hisses, regaining some of his composure.

"What are you talking about?" John looks like he's about to rip Robert to pieces.

"That I love him." Robert tries to use all of his conviction as he says it, his eyes completely fixed on Aaron. "I've been in love with you basically since I first saw you, Aaron. I've just been too stuck in my own head to admit it."

Aaron's eyes start to water, and Robert's heart breaks a little. He hates being the reason why Aaron cries, but he has to push forward and through it - that's the only way he'll ever get the chance to kiss those tears away.

"I know I don't deserve you, and that all of this could've been avoided if I'd just been honest about everything from the start but … you're it for me, Aaron. You're all I want, and all I'll ever want."

To his right, Vic speaks up again. "So, wait … you're gay too?"

Robert turns to look at her, trying to ignore the heartbreak in her eyes. "No. I'm … I'm bisexual. I should've told you sooner but … it's complicated."

And then it's out. Robert has spent so much of his life terrified of that little word, and now he's finally said it out loud and the world hasn't come crashing down around him. Maybe he'll be able to look back at this moment one day and laugh at how silly that fear was.

"But how? When?" Diane cuts in, her eyes cutting between Robert and Aaron.

"Um…" Robert doesn't feel like explaining the specifics around his and Aaron's first rendezvous. "We met at Vic and Adam's wedding, and it sorta snowballed after that."

"All this time…" Vic mumbles. "All this time and you never told us."

"Like I said, it's complicated," Robert sighs, "there wasn't even anything to tell for a long time."

John turns to Aaron. "Have you been going behind my back this whole time? With him?!"

"No!" Aaron exclaims. "No, John, I swear."

"He's right," Robert offers, though he's not sure how much good it will do. "He ended it with me when he got with you."

"Then shouldn't that tell you that it's me he wants?!" It's an honest to god miracle that John hasn't tried to throttle Robert yet, since he appears to be on the brink of popping off at any moment. "He chose me, so whatever you think you had before can't compare to us."

Robert rolls his eyes and turns to Aaron, ignoring John completely. "I really am sorry, Aaron - for everything. I wasn't thinking, and getting involved with you the way I did when I wasn't ready to love you openly wasn't fair to you, I know that. But I'm ready now, and I promise that I'll never let you down ever again. I'll do anything, go anywhere, just to prove it to you. Anything you ask."

Aaron's eyes meet his, and time seems to slow down, the rest of the world melting away around them. There are still whispers and John is still mad and everything is a mess, but all Robert cares about is Aaron and the hundreds of different emotions that pass over his face in the span of a second.

Just as Robert's resolve is starting to waver, Aaron cracks a watery smile. "You're a shit friend, you know that?"

Robert laughs, can't do much else to shake off the relief that washes over him. "I know."

Aaron turns to John, whose face is so close to shattering completely. "John … I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt ya, but … I can't marry ya."

Before anyone has much time to react, Aaron steps away from John and grabs Robert's hand, quickly pulling him with him down the aisle and out through the door.

Robert throws one last look back, just catching Katie's eye before he's pulled outside. She looks proud and satisfied, and Robert could kiss her.

But he doesn't really want to. The person he actually wants to kiss is currently dragging him up the street - where they're going, Robert couldn't care less about.

"Wait," he says, tugging on Aaron's hand to pull his body into him, cradling the back of Aaron's head when he kisses him.

It's been ten months since Robert last felt Aaron's lips on his own, ten months since he last felt truly alive. He's spent ten months dreaming about it, trying and failing to forget just how fucking addicting Aaron is, how just being close to him sets every single cell in Robert's body on fire. Ten months of dreams and fantasies, and they're still not even close to the real thing.

"I love you," he murmurs, pulling away just enough to rest his forehead against Aaron's.

"I love you too," Aaron says back, and although Robert's eyes are closed, he can hear the smile in his voice. "And I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

"Don't be." Robert scratches softly at Aaron's nape. "It all worked out in the end, didn't it?"

Aaron laughs and kisses him again, long and hard until Robert feels like putty in his arms. He pushes him back until Robert hits his back against something, and he realises that it's his car, parked outside the B&B.

"Wanna go for a drive?" Aaron hums, squeezing Robert's waist under his suit jacket.

"Sure," Robert grins back. "Where to?"

"Don't matter. Anywhere is fine, as long as we're together."

Robert couldn't agree more. There's still kinks to work out and conversations to be had, but none of that matters. All that does matter is Aaron's fingers interlacing with his own as they drive out of the village, the brightness of Aaron's smile, and the open road ahead.