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It’s 12:30 am right now and Ricky has an important in class assignment tomorrow but he’s just so fucking tired of uni, of the people he’s around and his family’s expectations. His entire friend group decided they were going to get a 3bhk apartment to move in together but it just so happens that his friend group is of 7 people, and only 2 can stay in one room.
His whole life has been a series of fuck ups, since 2nd grade, when he bullied a girl to the point of her trying to kill herself— trust him when he says that he regrets that, he regrets that with all he has—to present, when he is again brought face to face with the fact that he will never belong, no matter how hard he tries—how loud he gets, how many substances he pretends to enjoy, he will never be good enough for anyone.
Dont get him wrong—he knows his parents love him, would throw their entire lives out over him but will they choose him over his sister?
His sister, his gorgeous, smart, creative, loveable sister, will they choose him over her? The beautiful woman who carries herself with grace. He knows they won’t, he has known ever since his nana told him how his parents should’ve aborted him.
Ricky was the closest to Gunwook, Gunwook going as far as calling Ricky his best friend and now, Ricky can’t help but feel betrayed as he sits in Zhang Hao’s room, with his entire friend group gathered together. He can’t help but feel betrayed as Gunwook hugs Matthew, gushing about how much fun the 6 of them are going to have in that apartment.
He couldn’t bear sitting there anymore, “guys, i’m gonna go back to sleep” he says as he picks up his study material and his laptop and all he gets in response are lazy, uninterested byes.
Fuck okay, he’ll just fuck off or something
He wonders if his absence is missed, if someone asks when he’s not there. Will they care if he just distanced himself. He’s tired of keeping up a facade but he cannot imagine being a loner.
Oh look! Shen Quanrui is sitting all alone, he’s such a little bitch that nobody wants to hang out with him
His mind wanders off to if these people know about him being a bully, if they all hate him because of that
Come on, Rui! Don’t be stupid, that was almost a decade ago and 3 cities away, there’s no way these people would know about that
What is he even thinking about? he has a test tomorrow on structuralism in advertisements and he’s crying about friendships?
Way to crash your parents’ expectations, Ricky
The test tomorrow is going to fuck him up, he knows it but is it even going to matter if he just kills himself?
Dear Diary,
I hope everything ends well for me, all i want is a happy ending and to belong, just give me that, please.
Love,
Ricky
17/02/2026