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Lily: I may have made a mistake.
Jane: May have or have?
Lily: …
Lily: …
Jane: What did you do?
Lily: The good news is they no longer write about you and Hayden fucking.
Jane: What!
Lily: The maybe bad news is they write about you and me fucking instead.
Jane: WHAT!!!
Lily: Don’t worry. The stories are much better now!
The phone rings, and Ilya winces. “Hello.” Maybe he should play this casually.
“What the fuck did you do?” Shane asks, “The press is writing about us?!”
“No! Not the press. No one knows. We are safe. It’s on AO3.”
“AO…? Is that a podcast? That’s not any better, Ilya!”
“No. It’s fiction. Breathe, Shane. In. Out.” Ilya listens to Shane take a few deep breaths, and wonders if this would be better or worse on FaceTime.
“Okay. Start over, and tell me what you did.”
“You have heard of HRPF? It’s stories about hockey players.”
“About us? Who is writing about us?”
“Fans. They write about any hockey players, but we are the most popular because we are the best and hottest.”
“Why? That’s weird.”
“It’s just pretend. Like play.” Ilya shrugs. “It’s mostly harmless.”
“Mostly?! What’s the not harmless part?”
“Most of the stories are romances between players. Called shipping.” Which he’d thought was from that phrase of ships in the night, but is actually short for relationship. He likes his version better.
“They’re gay romances?”
“Yes. Some are hot. I’ll send them to you. And some, like the shayden ones, are terrible. So of course I have to tell them how wrong they are! As if you would ever fuck Hayden.”
“Hayden Pike?!”
Ilya didn't know Shane's voice could get that high. He hears a banging noise, and if it was someone else he would wonder if they’d thrown the phone. “Shane?”
“I’m here. I put the phone down to break out the vodka you keep in the refrigerator.”
“You don’t like vodka.”
“No, but I don’t keep anesthesia in my apartment.”
Ilya hears the sound of ice cubes dropping into a glass, and frowns. Ruining expensive vodka. Besides, it’s already cold.
“Okay. So people are writing about me and Hayden. Even though he’s straight. And married.”
“Not in the stories.” He pauses. “There are some threesome fics with Jackie though.”
“I can’t fucking believe this.”
“I know. It’s horrible. To be paired with Hayden. I was upset for you of course. At least they paired me with Marlow. He’s a much better player than Pike.” Better looking too, Ilya thinks. Maybe not a good idea to say that right now however.
“That’s not what I—” Ilya hears Shane sigh, and take a drink. “How does this lead to them writing about us?”
“Obviously, I can’t let them think you should be with Pike.”
Shane groans. “Please tell me you didn’t write stories about us.”
“No.” Not for lack of trying. It was harder than it looked. Which was frustrating, since he didn't even have to make anything up. “I just suggested it.”
“And they listened to you?”
“I’m very charming. Plus I helped them with their Russian and hockey knowledge. I have many followers now on Tumblr.” He’d used his AO3 name.
“Where? No, it doesn’t matter. So it’s just some strange stories on a little site.”
Ilya decides not to tell him just how many people belong to AO3. Purely for Shane’s stress level of course.