Work Text:
People can be haunted by a myriad of things; the past, the present, the future. For Lute, however, she was haunted by what could have been but never was. Haunted by visions of herself and Adam, retired, Heaven at peace and Hell as a smoldering crater. Little wing flaps and giggles as their child flew over to them.
Whatever possibility for love and happiness in her life had died with Adam.
And now she’s being taunted by the thing that Abel forced into her hands earlier today.
A dark brown leather journal with Adam’s ‘A’ sigil etched in gold on the surface. Abel said he found it hidden in Adam’s desk and insisted Lute take it, that she read it. He was rather forceful, actually.
Now Lute was staring at it, temptation drawing her in.
The visions that haunted her, the ever-present phantom of the man she loved whispered to her, telling her she would be invading his privacy. Asking her what secrets he would have kept from her. It was like he was both tempting her and trying to tell her not to read it.
Finally, she opened it, skimming through the pages for anything that stood out.
It was mostly on and off attempts at Adam trying to write about what frustrated him, some discarded song lyrics, etc.
Then she came across her name and her heart stopped when she read the sentence it was in.
‘I think I’m in love with Lute.’
She swallowed the lump in her throat and turned the page, continuing to read.
‘I told myself I was done with love, but I can feel it when I look at her. It’s the same as what I felt for Eve, maybe stronger. I don’t get it, we’ve been friends for such a long time, so why now? With Eve, I loved her at first sight, but with Lute I just saw her one day and I knew.
I felt that same elation when she started rambling about her favorite kills, I just couldn’t help but smile and listen to her rave about killing with such passion. I just listened to her for hours until my stomach growled and interrupted her. Then something happened that made me realize I’d fallen for her — she laughed. Not her cruel laugh either, but a genuine one.
Fuck. What am I going to do?
I can’t tell her. What if she doesn’t feel the same? Or worse, what if she does? Every bitch I’ve ever tried being in a relationship with has only been interested in me because I’m the First Man, I have power and status, what if Lute only wants me because I’m strong and she admires that? I don’t know what to fucking do here.
She’s not exactly the kindest or affectionate woman, but she definitely has a side like that to her. She tries to hide it, but I’ve seen that bitch pet cats when she thinks no one is looking. Plus, she’s kind to me in a way no other bitch up here has been. Lute actually notices things about me, like when I didn’t sleep enough the night before, or that I actually love apples even though everyone assumes I hate them. She knows I hate wearing leather, even though everyone assumes I’d love it, and prefer fabric. This one year, on Christmas, I basically got twenty different leather jackets and then Lute got me this comfy ass sweater with my sigil on it. I fucking love that thing.
Lute just gets me in a way no one else does. Sometimes it feels like she’s looking at the man under the mask, I don’t know…
All I really know is that I’ve fallen for that crazy, sadistic, lovable bitch and that I’m too much of a coward to tell her.’
Lute could hardly believe what she was reading. As she continued on, there were a few entries where Adam talked about other things, but a lot of them were just random little things they did together that apparently meant a lot to the man. Sometimes there would be doodles or photos next to the entries; treasured memories that Lute couldn’t forget even if she wanted to.
‘Well, I was planning on telling Lute today. After we lost Chitarra in Hell, I realized that there’s a real possibility that Lute could die in battle. The thought almost made me panic-cancel the upcoming extermination, but I talked myself out of it. So my plan was to finally tell her and if she didn’t feel the same way? Then okay, it would hurt, yeah, but she’s still my best friend!
I asked her to hang out today. It wasn’t a date but I took her to one of the less lame movies and then lunch and we were on our way to an arcade when we saw that traitor, Vaggie. She was with Lucifer’s brat, following Emily, and I could hardly believe it! Fuck, I got so pissed that I lost my cool and Lute had to talk me out of doing something stupid! Then Sera came along and told me to ‘handle it’, like, bitch the fuck you think I could do about it?!
In hindsight, I think Sera might have been trying to tell me ‘handle it in court’ not ‘blackmail the traitor’, since I’m pretty sure Sera didn’t know Vaggie was one of us yet. God, Sera, don’t be so cryptic! I’m not a mind reader! Fucking women always wanting me to read their minds! That’s what’s nice about Lute, she actually says what she thinks!
Anyway, my plans were ruined and then I got the lecture of all lectures from Sera.
It was bad…
She was angry with Lute too, but mostly pissed at me, and said she was going to ‘reassign’ Lute if—‘
Lute dropped the book in shock.
Reassign?
That was a euphemism meaning ‘total memory wipe’ followed by a literal reassignment of function. It’s what they did to exorcists who couldn’t hack it, like Nelly, who was always a nervous wreck. She works at a bakery now and seems so much happier; she doesn’t remember ever being an exorcist either.
She lifted the book back up.
‘—if I continue to fail at my duties and keep my subordinates under control. Sera said I was too emotionally invested in Lute and that I let her get away with too much, that Vaggie never should have been left in Hell but brought back to Heaven for reassignment.
Shit, maybe she’s right? I let Lute do that to Vaggie even though I knew better, all because I’m in love with Lute.
Needless to say, my confession plans were ruined.
I decided that I’ll wait until after the extermination to tell Lute how I feel. Or maybe I’ll just scoop her in my arms and kiss her after it’s all over? Right there on the battlefield! Lute’s a freak, she’ll probably be into that!
God, I’m a genius.’
That was the last entry.
Lute let the journal fall to the floor as she stood up and went to her room, slamming the door behind her.
Once again, phantoms of what could have been haunted her mind. The images of her and Adam snuggling together, of her laying her head in his lap while he tenderly stroked her hair, of what it would be like to make love, they wouldn’t leave her be.
That journal didn’t help, it only made her ache for what never would be even more.