Chapter Text
1. The Murderous Look
"I can see people's murderous intent in their eyes."
I looked away from a white piece on the chessboard and replied, "So can I sometimes."
The patients at the psych ward could roughly be divided into two classes—those who couldn't even take care of themselves, and those who remained high-functioning. He belonged to the latter class, having beaten the doctors in every single chess game.
People like him weren't much trouble; after all, they don't need to be spoon-fed or monitored when going to the bathroom. However, he'd shake your entire worldview if you got into a deep conversation with him.
"Nope, I'm not talking about some vague feeling." He swatted my hand away from the chessboard, making me focus. "I'm talking about tangible signs of murderous intent.
"When strangers or lovers look at each other, their eyes are a pure white. But once they come to know each other, their hearts gradually fill with resentment, even to the point of wanting to kill—their eyes would deepen into black."
I tried to picture it and asked, "Do people's eyes only appear in two colours to you? Is that how you see the world?" Imagine looking into the loving eyes of your partner lying next to you, but only seeing two mothballs. What a horror show.
He shrugged. "For me, that's just normal life. Although I didn't figure out why people's eyes don't change colour in books and photos until I was five.
"By the way, most people's eyes are opaque when they look at others; sometimes they're a shade deeper, sometimes a shade lighter. Other times, their eyes would turn into a deep, terrifying black at a throwaway comment by others, even as a smile lingers on their faces."
"That's very philosophical of you," I replied.
He watched me intently. "You don't believe me."
I stared at the chessboard and thought about my next move. "Chi Shen[1], you do know I'm a doctor, right?"
"You're still an intern. It's too early for you to be corrupted by your seniors' pedantic ways."
"If that were the case, I'd be watching you fill out a dumb questionnaire right now, not playing chess with you."
"Besides human interactions, objects can also be a medium for detecting murderous intentions." A bishop descended on my pawn and knocked it aside. Just like that, the edge I gained over him a moment ago was lost. "You're a fine player, but you'll never beat me."
I tried to reason from the premise he set. "Are you saying you can see my aggressive intent toward a certain chess piece?"
"Real convenient, isn't it? When your glance falls on your target piece, your eye colour would change ever so slightly. It's impossible for me to miss, and I can usually use that against you."
I plunked a piece down, initiating a counterattack. "I bet you didn't see this coming."
"But you weren't looking at the board. That's cheating." He laughed, looking indifferent.
Then he blurted, "There's this one guy—when he looks at you, his eyes are completely black. The last time I saw eyes this black, I was looking at a murderer."
2. A Strange Warning
"That kid is a murderer himself," Nurse Yao whispered, even though Chi Shen couldn't hear her behind the one-way mirror of the observation room.
I'd seen his file, so I knew this perfectly well. When he was fifteen, he bashed the neighbourhood scrap dealer's head in. When he was seventeen, he stabbed his mum's fiancé to death. He had aggressive tendencies and displayed intermittent bipolar symptoms and severe persecutory delusions. However, he had been nothing but articulate, eloquent, quick-witted, and purposeful ever since his teary-eyed mother committed him to this institution six months ago, so it was hard to excuse his crimes.
I wanted to talk to Nurse Yao some more, but Doctor Zheng walked in without greeting us and gave us a frosty look. We immediately zipped our lips. Nurse Yao made a face and slinked away while pretending to write something in the medical sheet.
"What are your thoughts on work so far?" Doctor Zheng asked me.
Doctor Zheng was my senior and a paragon of meticulous rigour. In his presence, I couldn't help but sober up. "It's pretty different from what I learned in school. I'm still getting to grips with it."
Doctor Zheng glanced at Chi Shen, who, for whatever reason, was in stitches laughing behind the glass. The doctor said, "It's good that you're paying attention. There's no harm in getting along with your patients, but don't become buddies with them. After all, they'll transfer away sooner or later if their conditions become unmanageable."
After our awkward conversation, Doctor Zheng signed the form and left.
I shook my head at Chi Shen. Why did he put on these clownish and over-the-top acts in front of the doctor just to prove his own insanity? Who would do that? Chi Shen simmered down and settled into a chair. Then he pointed at the door with an eerie smile.
As I had always assumed, an internship meant a lot of low-skill grunt work, such as typing up decade-old documents smothered in dust.
When I finished a quarter of the work, it was already past 1 am. I saved the file, shut down the computer, and unplugged the thumb drive. I tossed the drive in my palm; it almost felt weightier from holding the tens of thousands of words I'd typed.
I walked to the elevator and was about to press the down button when I saw the floor indicator light up—the elevator was going up from the ground floor. Who'd come to the office building in the middle of the night besides me? I was bewildered. It couldn't be the security guard. He was usually at the psych ward around this time, tackling patients who tried to jump out of windows.
The elevator stopped on the 8th floor. I stepped back a few paces and looked down from the 11th-floor window. Strangely, the 8th floor remained completely dark. Normally, someone would've turned on the corridor lights or used a flashlight. Unless...
Unless they didn't want to be seen.
I turned around to see the elevator move up another floor, the number "9" glowed dimly in the dark.
The 9th floor was pitch black. I stood there for another minute as if possessed, and just as I expected, the elevator stopped on the 10th floor.
It was almost as if someone were searching for something floor by floor.
When the red arrow above the elevator lit up again, I turned and headed down the fire exit stairs. After all, I wasn't keen on running into whoever was roaming the building at this hour.
The most alarming thing was that I'd only been temporarily reassigned to work on the 11th floor today because my computer in the 8th-floor office was busted.
Chi Shen gave me his usual smile when he saw me the next day. "You're here," he said.
He had already set up the chessboard. "Can't you find something else to do apart from this?" I asked.
"Do what?" He gave me a quizzical look, "It's not like anyone's coming to visit me."
I felt like the conversation was off to an awful start. At least he didn't mind; he was getting such a buzz from crushing me in the game. When it became apparent that I'd lose, he said, "When he looks at you now, his eyes have become an unadulterated black. This means killing you is no longer enough for him—he wants to torture you to death."
My arm froze for a second in mid-air. I asked with feigned nonchalance, "If you can see it, why can't you just tell me who he is?"
For an instant, I felt like he wanted to tell me there.
"I refuse."
"But why?"
"I'm mentally ill, duh."
I was speechless. I'd heard rumours about the hospital that the senior doctors wanted to ship him off to. It wasn't somewhere you could ever leave. He'd totally be in his element there.
He held up a piece to make sure I saw it before using it to tip over my king.
"Let's call this guy X," I said. "If you could sense X's ill will towards me, it means the three of us were in the same room at some point. There weren't a lot of situations like that."
He was looking at the chessboard and savouring his win. "Keep guessing."
"It's hard to guess, because I don't have any enemies."
"Let me give you a clue. If you're looking at motives or personal relationships, you are on the wrong track. This guy always has black eyes no matter who he's looking at."
I perked up and asked, "So his desire to murder is indiscriminate?" Good to know that it wasn't because I was a horrible person.
"Not entirely. His eyes are blacker than usual when he looks at you."
I pretended not to hear that.
If the guy after me was a psycho killer, it just meant I had nothing to go on. Everyone had an equal probability of being the killer, because you couldn't identify a psycho by using common sense. There weren't any patterns to how they looked or acted, and they didn't need a motive.
Chi Shen shrugged. "I think X is probably antisocial. There're a lot of people who'd love to watch the world burn for no reason, and their numbers are greater than you can possibly imagine. Is it a twisted psyche? Or is it a desire to wreak vengeance on society? That should be your guys' area of research."
To be honest, it shocked me to the core to hear this from a psych ward patient.
Chi Shen smiled as he held two chess pieces in his palm, which clicked together as he squeezed them. "What, you have no questions for me? I can tell who's feeling murderous, remember? I have some clues about the murder weapon and the crime scene too."
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't bothered by yesterday's incident at all. Although on second thoughts, it didn't seem like a big deal either. I chose to err on the side of caution and kept silent.
Chi Shen looked a tad disappointed. "Are you sure you have nothing to ask? Not even as a joke or as part of my treatment?"
"Well...I want to know about the location of the crime." I said, "Could it be at the office building?"
"Nope."
He gazed into my eyes and said with unwavering certainty. "The office building is safe."
3. The Dangerous Office Building
My rinky-dink computer on the 8th floor had been fixed after I reported the problem, but it still kept sputtering like a dying motor after I turned it on.
Around midnight, after remaining functional for nearly four hours, the computer screen finally froze up—just what I had feared the most.
Luckily, my habit of constantly clicking "save" prevented the worst possible outcome. However, there was still a huge pile of documents waiting to be typed up, while the screen and the mouse pointer showed no sign of recovering from paralysis. I decided to solve the problem quickly and crudely. Pushing aside the chair, I bent down to unplug the cable.
Down there, dust that had been gathering for years got all over my hand. I yanked out the plug, and the computer's whirr came to a sudden stop. The computer had been the only light source in the room since I was used to working at night with the lights off. Now, everything was swallowed by darkness. I felt around for the tissue box, took out a tissue to wipe my hands carefully, then dove under the desk.
Just then, I heard footsteps outside my office.
I froze for a second, then quietly reached inside the half-open drawer to take out a fountain pen.
The silence that followed felt endless. Just when I was beginning to think I was hearing things, there came the sound of shoes tapping as the person at the door came in.
The cubicles in the office were semi-enclosed. As long as they weren't conducting a thorough search, they'd never notice my presence just from a quick scan of the place. It was spacious enough under the desk, so I squeezed myself in there as noiselessly as possible. I crouched with one hand on the floor, and my other hand held the pen up like a dagger.
I absolutely refuse to believe that someone sneaking around here at this hour could be the security guard.
The footsteps were slow but steady, as if the person was holding their breath. Finally, they came to a stop.
They were right beside my desk.
I broke out in a cold sweat as an untimely thought popped up in my mind—
I couldn't believe Chi Shen lied to me! Assuming that his ability wasn't delusional, why did he tell me the office building was safe when he had alerted me to the murderer? What was he thinking?
Could the person standing there right now be...? I quickly shut down this horrible thought.
Good heavens, how could I be so dumb?! Chi Shen told me it was safe to come to the office building, and I just took his word for it! Subconsciously, I was convinced Chi Shen wouldn't put me in harm's way, and look where it got me!
I felt like my head was splitting from a sharp pain, but my eyes remained glued to where they were standing—right in front of me was a pair of black trousers tucked in rain boots.
A strange cold light flashed across the floor; I realised it was light reflected off the knife they were holding. I had been slowing down my breathing, but now it almost completely stopped. It's fine, I told myself, no one would be deranged enough to specifically check under the desk.
That was when I heard the sound of their palm rubbing over a surface. A thought cracked like thunder in my head—
The computer! The computer must be warm to the touch after running for a long time!
Above me, a pale face sprang into view. I thrust the pen I'd been clutching all this time right into it.
The pen pierced through his cheek, which was covered in bandages, and went halfway inside his mouth. He reacted too swiftly to allow any serious damage. As an inhuman howl escaped his throat, I gave him a hard kick in the shin. He stumbled back, knocked over the stool by the desk, and fell down.
In all this chaos, I spotted the knife he dropped spinning on the floor, and lunged at it. To my surprise, he didn't let the acute pain distract him and grabbed the knife before I could. The only thing I managed to grasp was his icy, cold hand. A shiver ran down my spine. Without a second thought, I sprang up and bolted away from him.
It doesn't matter whether it's a fire, an earthquake, or a killer hunting you down—never take the elevator when you're fleeing for your life. I sprinted toward the fire escape. Its white door was usually left ajar, but appeared locked today. As I slammed into it, my suspicion was confirmed. An ominous dread sank into the pit of my stomach. I swerved back to the elevator and pressed the down button.
Come on! Come on! Why was it so slow?!
I saw my pursuer slumped against the wall, his loud huffing echoing throughout the building. The pain must've caught up to him, making it hard for him to stay upright. This bought me some precious time, as the number 8 finally lit up before he reached me.
An infinite brightness seemed to burst forth from the elevator when its door opened. I was about to jump in, but the sight in front of me froze me to the spot.
The elevator wasn't empty. Someone was in there.
Chi Shen stood in the elevator smiling at me. His wide grin in the ghastly incandescent light made my skin crawl.
I took a few steps back. To be honest, his appearance here and now was no less petrifying than that of the knife-wielding maniac. Now I was truly trapped between the hammer and the anvil. There was nowhere to go!
My knee-jerk reaction was to step aside. At the same instant, Chi Shen pounced on the knife-wielder and started wrestling him.
It didn't take Chi Shen long to hold the man down. With one knee on the man's lower belly, Chi Shen seized his knife effortlessly and plunged it into his throat!
As the glint of the knife flashed across his pale face, I suddenly recognised him—
It was Doctor Zheng!
In the blink of an eye, Chi Shen's frenzied stabbing had turned Doctor Zheng's face into a bloody mess beyond recognition.
I bent down, but not because I wanted to throw up. It was just too much to look straight at that face. Those dozens of stab wounds were not so much the result of self-defence as the floodgates being opened on some long-repressed anger.
Panting, Chi Shen threw the knife aside after he had had his fill. He crouched down, face smeared with blood.
For a long time, he stayed there without making any move, so I took a tentative step forward.
After making sure he was aware of my movement and didn't mean to stop it, I quickly swooped down and picked up the knife. I felt much more in control with the weapon in my hand and went ahead to contact security and the police. Things were going so smoothly now, as if I'd transmigrated from a horror film to an upbeat one.
However, I kept my distance from Chi Shen. Pointing a finger at him, I said, "I saw you take the sedative before sleep!"
"Did you already call the police?"
He looked completely laidback, as if he had no clue what terrible consequences would follow his crime. Watching him like this sent me into a fit of rage, and I walked up and kicked him.
"Do you honestly believe that psychiatric patients can commit any crime they want without repercussions? Do you know where they'll send you if they can't get you under control? It's a place where even a sane person would go crazy!"
He was neither surprised nor agitated. "Doctor Zheng had always worked towards that goal."
Standing amidst all the blood and gore, I said through gritted teeth, "What happened to 'The office building is safe'?"
"I lied."
He didn't even try to beat around the bush. This situation was just comically ridiculous. I wiped away the blood on my face, feeling utterly furious. Before I could say anything, he asked, "Doctor He, do you believe me now? Do you believe that I can see people's murderous intent in their eyes?"
"Are you serious? I feel like you're the one who wants me dead."
He kept asking, "Do you believe me or not?"
"Yes, I believe you!" I bellowed, "But why couldn't you be honest about it and tell me to stay away from Zheng?!"
He gave me a peculiar smile, as if he'd finally heard a satisfying answer.
"Doctor He, what do you think I should do with my special eyes?"
I took a deep breath. "The standard answer is to use them for the benefit of society."
He sneered. "Benefit society? How? Who'd believe me? I killed a guy who had black eyes whenever he saw little kids, wasn't I doing it for the benefit of society? But even the victim's father didn't thank me for saving his daughter from certain death, and everyone spat on me for killing 'an honest scrap dealer.' I didn't need their gratitude, but it was all so stupid! Nobody believed me when I told them that the guy would've murdered me because I called him out. Why should I wait for him to stab me a few times before I defend myself?"
I didn't know what to say. I couldn't even trot out the same old "your family will always be on your side" to comfort him, since his mother had only come to visit him once.
"When that man looked at my mom and me, there was never a shred of whiteness in his eyes. But my mom never questioned why he kept asking her about her jewellery and savings, why he only ever bought her cheap knock-offs, and why he brought us to the middle of nowhere for holiday. Instead she said to me, 'I've sacrificed so much for you, why must you destroy my happiness?'"
Chi Shen looked at me. "I'm the one who wants to ask why. I didn't do anything wrong; I was only trying to save people, so why was I treated this way?
"You asked me to tell the truth, but that's what I did. I told Doctor Zheng's targets about him, but they all thought I was crazy. If they want crazy, I'll give them crazy—so I told them all to fuck off. You know what everyone ends up thinking about me, Nurse Yao must've told you."
After a moment of silence, I said, "It's perfectly normal to fear violence that one can see. You can't say that's wrong in most cases."
It took Chi Shen a long while to reply. "I agree. That's the crux of the problem—everyone else is normal. I'm not."
I was frustrated. "You know that's not what I mean."
"Well, in that case, I'll be honest—" Chi Shen's face contorted into an almost vicious scowl, "I'd rather put you at risk of being stabbed, so you could see the murderous look on his face with your own eyes! Call me selfish and sick, hate me all you want, I don't care! I've heard it all before! But I have to know that—"
Half defiant and half defeated, he continued, "That there's at least one person in this world who understands that I saved them."
One by one, the lights in the psych ward came on. Out there, the nurses' panicked cries drifted through the night air.
The noise pulled Chi Shen out of his turbulent thoughts, and he composed himself.
"Aren't you gonna say goodbye? We might never see each other again."
I looked at him and didn't know how to feel.
He did purposefully send me to die, but he also risked his life fighting off the killer. Maybe that made us even, but it was hard not to feel angry.
Chi Shen looked resigned and ready to brave my wrath. I bet he was expecting me to chew him out and beat the living daylights out of him.
I took a deep breath, braced myself, and crouched down beside him.
"Chi Shen," I gazed straight at him, "What colour are my eyes?"
Ultimately, I chose this question to let him know that I believed him.
After all, he had faced more reproach and mistrust in less than two decades than most people would have to in their entire lives.
I couldn't prevent others from giving him strange looks and keeping him at arm's length. Whether intentional or not, they'd be helping to speedrun the destruction of his humanity. The least I could do was to be open-minded and sympathetic at this very moment.
Heaven knows if anyone else would come along to show him trust and acceptance.
Besides, I believed that he had impulsively wanted to blurt out the killer's name in that instant. I wasn't just imagining things.
Just like I wasn't imagining the look on his face right now. For a second, he was stunned, then he was on the brink of tears, his face a look of earnestness and irrepressible gratitude.
作者有話要說：在一个日文网站偶然看到“目杀师”的标签，没找到它的中文含义，于是脑补了除了“用目光杀师老师！”之外这个词的其他可能性（喂！），加上大一看了一本叫《天才在左，疯子在右》的书，很有趣，当时就想写病人和医生的互动。关于精神病院，我真的尽力去查资料了。虽然最后都没用上……希望没犯什么低级错误。我的取名障碍症依旧没有好转，不过第一人称就是方便！用“我”和“何医生”就完美地避过了问题！第一人称万岁！
Author's Note: I saw the tag "目杀师" (which literally means "eye kill master/teacher") by chance on a Japanese website, but couldn't find its Chinese meaning, so I brainstormed another possible meaning of the phrase besides "killing teacher with one's eyes." Also, I was reading an interesting book called "Genius is on the Left, Madness is on the Right," which inspired me to write about doctor-patient interactions. I tried my best to research psychiatric hospitals, but didn't end up using any of the stuff I looked up, hopefully I didn't make any rookie mistakes. I still find naming characters super difficult, so three cheers for first-person narrative! I successfully avoided the ordeal by using "I" and "Doctor He"!