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If Seungmin had to count his biggest blessings in life, he'd only need one hand and one single finger; because his biggest blessing would be dating Yang Jeongin.
Sweet, clumsy, eager eyed, skipped-a-grade-because-he-was-too-smart Yang Jeongin. Seungmin's boyfriend Jeongin. Boyfriend. Call him cheesy, but Jeongin might be the best thing that's ever happened to him.
It's not like he was expecting it either. Seungmin didn't have a year long crush or a longstanding situationship or anything like that– someone had merely made him spill his coffee all over himself, and he'd looked up to see the most earnest fox-like gaze he's ever seen and it had all unfolded from there.
Jeongin bought him coffee as an apology. Then he bought him a pastry the next week because he still felt guilty and didn't realize they had the same class. Then he'd bought Seungmin flowers because he passed a test he was stressed for, and on valentine's day he'd bought him chocolates and bumbingly asked him on a date– and Seungmin had been gone.
His friends all make fun of him for it, how one singular person managed to crack the nonchalant, stone faced facade he'd put up for years and turned him into a cheesy, romantic puddle of love even if they've only dated for a few months now.
(Seungmin always argued that Jeongin wasn't a person but an angel, a gift from the heavens– it never made his case better, but it was worth it for the bright eyed laughter it invoked in his boyfriend.)
And he's not the only one in love either, no; Jeongin shows up to every single baseball game, cheering louder than anyone else for him (wearing his spare jersey, thank you very much), he spends half his money on coffee for Seungmin during exam seasons and is there to fall on every time Seungmin feels like he's gonna crumble.
And they don't need to say it– they just know, Seungmin's willing to wait however long it takes for Jeongin to say those three words.
He's perfect in every way. Everyone who meets him instantly falls for his charms.
Which is why Seungmin cannot comprehend what he's hearing right now.
"What do you mean you never had a proper birthday?" He asks, for the umpteenth time– because it's truly ridiculous, the birth of Yang Jeongin should be celebrated like it's a national holiday!
Jeongin shrugs, mindlessly bouncing his leg and eating his lunch next to the others like he didn't just shake Seungmin's world. "Never felt like it was special enough."
"Jeonginnie, that is the saddest thing I've ever heard." Hyunjin sighs melodramatically, reaching over across the table to squeeze his arm in earnest. "Birthdays are supposed to be special!"
"Dunno. My parents used to say I hadn't earned a birthday celebration and when I got older I never really saw the point anyway."
It feels a bit like the mood drops after that statement, and Seungmin stills in his seat. Jeongin never told him much about his parents– just that they don't speak much and it feels like a chore when they do.
"What about your past friends? Didn't they wanna do something?" Chan asks, sounding as heartbroken as Seungmin feels.
Jeongin shifts a little, shoulders hunching in slight awkwardness. "I went to a catholic high school, hyung. No one really wanted to hang out with the gay kid much less celebrate their existence. The only friend I had back then kept wishing for me to turn normal as a birthday miracle."
Oh. Oh.
He knew Jeongin was christian. He knew his parents were, but– his boyfriend rarely brings up his past but if he does it's always negative– Seungmin doesn't know how he didn't figure it out sooner. His fists clench in anger at the thought of Jeongin being alone and sad and feeling like he wasn't enough for a celebration even on his birthday.
"That's terrible," Felix whispers, reaching over to land a comforting touch to Jeongin's shoulder. "I'm sorry, Jeonginnie."
"Guys, just drop it– my birthday doesn't mean anything to me." He sighs, shoulders dropping down with the movement. "Seriously. Just having you all here is amazing enough."
They drop it only because he asks and no one can deny Jeongin, but Seungmin is not gonna let this go.
He'll make sure Yang Jeongin's first birthday celebration will be the best thing that's ever happened to him.
__________
They're in the dorm when Seungmin brings it up again.
Jeongin is freshly showered, toweling his brown hair dry (newly dyed after the ginger– Seungmin actually cried) and he's wearing the sweater he stole from Seungmin even if it's a bit too small for him. He looks like a vision, cheeks dimpled as he approaches the bed and drops the towel in favor of crawling into his arms.
"I missed you today." He admits quietly, face tucked into Seungmin's collar. It hits harder coming from him– Seungmin is usually the affectionate one, while Jeongin reserves his emotions and affections for quiet moments like these where it's just them.
"You saw me this morning." Seungmin laughs, stroking his back in smooth motions.
"That was seven hours ago," he grumbles back, pinching Seungmin's waist in offense.
"Clingy."
"You like it."
He hides a smile in Jeongin's hair. "I do."
They sit in silence for a few more minutes, Seungmin soaking up the domesticity as he plays with his boyfriend's hair before his curiosity gets the best of him.
"Jeonginnie?"
The younger hums back half asleep, hands fisted in Seungmin's hoodie.
"What…" he bites his lip. He's not sure if this is a topic Jeongin even wants to talk about. "What did you mean when you said your parents didn't think you'd earned a proper birthday?"
Jeongin sighs but it's fond, pulling back a bit to stare at Seungmin with endeared, exasperated eyes. "You're not gonna let go of this, are you?"
"Nope." Seungmin grins, drawing him back in so his head fits on his collarbone this time.
Jeongin huffs but it's good natured, wrapping his arms around Seungmin's middle and closing his eyes.
"My parents were kinda… weird, about affection." He starts, voice low and comfortable even if the topic feels heavy. "They were heavily religious, so anything we did had to be seen as good by the Lord. If it wasn't, there'd be consequences. So you don't forget to do the right thing next time, y'know?"
Seungmin nods hesitantly. He doesn't really understand what the Lord has to do with parenting, but alright. "What would they do?"
Jeongin shrugs. "I often forgot to pray during dinner time because I was too hungry. My parents would give me the cold shoulder until the next day, until the next dinner– and if I didn't pray then either, it'd just continue. For days they wouldn't acknowledge me outside of bringing and picking me up from school."
He talks so casually, and he supposes it's something Jeongin's already worked through but Seungmin's chest aches, thinking of how dejected he must've felt. He squeezes the younger tighter to himself, placing his lips close to his forehead for comfort. "I'm sorry. That's… you shouldn't have gone through that."
"It's fine." He exhales, even if Seungmin guesses it's anything but. "It wouldn't have been a problem if I actually knew how to pray, but they only taught me once and never again despite how much I asked. They said me forgetting meant I didn't care about the Lord."
"The fuck? They wouldn't even teach you?" He's scowling now. No wonder Jeongin barely talks to his parents.
"It was taught in the church, sometimes. But I didn't like going– it was boring and silent. I said this to my parents once during a visit and they left towards home without me. I had to walk two hours to get back."
Seungmin feels anger bubbling in his gut, sitting up straighter to face his boyfriend. "That's straight up neglect!"
To his surprise Jeongin is smiling, even if there's a sad look in his eyes.
"I knew you'd react like this," he murmurs, cupping Seungmin's cheek with a tentative touch. "But I'm fine, Seungminnie. It's been a long time since– I was ten, I barely remember it."
"Ten?" Seungmin kinda wants to cry, gripping Jeongin's sweater in distress. "They did this to you your whole childhood?"
Jeongin just shrugs again, but plants a placating kiss on the furrow between his brows. "I promise it wasn't as bad as it sounds. I just felt… lonely. Like I was constantly doing the wrong thing– I usually was, according to my parents."
Seungmin squeezes his hands, catching his eyes with a heavy heart. "I bet you were just a kid doing kid things."
Jeongin is quiet for a long moment. His eyes drift to the wall behind him, and it's like he disappears for a second; his gaze turns glassy, mouth parting on a shaky exhale like he's somewhere Seungmin can't reach.
"Yeah," he whispers, "Yeah, I was."
Seungmin's heart cracks clean down the middle, but before he has a chance to pull the younger in a crushing hug Jeongin shakes his head, snapping out of it and withdrawing his hands to curl them atop his thighs.
"Anyway. I– I did those things as a kid and my parents kept track of almost everything. If I had done too many bad things that year they refused to acknowledge my birthday as a way to discipline me. Like if kids are bad during christmas and get nothing. So I never had any birthday parties, or presents, or– or whatever."
A lump grows larger in Seungmin's throat with every word. Fuck, he never had any idea about this– he's suddenly starkly reminded of how new their relationship is. He's only known Jeongin for a couple months, really, he doesn't even know half of his stories.
"Jeonginnie, I'm so sorry," he shuffles closer on his knees, but Jeongin tenses up when he tries touching his shoulders.
"Don't– Don't. Don't feel bad for me." He mumbles, frowning like he's in distress. "Parties are overrated anyway. I don't care about my birthday, hyung."
"That still doesn't make their actions okay," Seungmin responds gently, holding his face carefully. "You didn't deserve to go through that."
"Can we just go to bed?" Jeongin asks, voice frail and hoarse and so vulnerable Seungmin feels like crumbling. "Please, hyung? I don't really… wanna think about this."
He's pleading, his entire body language is asking Seungmin to let it go, so he releases a shaky exhale and pulls the younger into a comforting kiss.
"Yeah, baby." He whispers against his lips, "Let's go to bed."
Jeongin sags against him, giving him a grateful but tired smile. He's beautiful– Seungmin wants to give him everything.
They go to bed. Jeongin burrows his face in his collar like he lives there, and Seungmin's heart feels too heavy in his chest to go to sleep.
Objectively, Seungmin knows people struggle– he knows some people don't have the greatest relationship with their parents, and he knows some people struggle making friends because of their sexuality– he knows, but seeing it like this, seeing it have happened to someone he cares the most about feels like a he's been struck by lightning in the worst possible way.
He thinks of Jeongin's words, how scary and alone it must've been as a child to have your parents scrutinize and criticize you in that way. To not feel supported by the two people who are supposed to support you forever. To not even have a friend to talk to about all this, to be surrounded constantly by the kind of people who think you're wrong for existing.
He can't even imagine. Seungmin's own parents have been his rocks since the start, always behind him to catch him if he falls– he's known Jisung and Minho since they were babies and none of them has ever disappointed when it comes to taking care of each other.
He suddenly feels a lot more grateful for the people in his life. But it's– it's more than just gratitude, it's also a kind of anger; why does he get to have all that and Jeongin doesn't? Jeongin is arguably a better person than him– he's close to perfect in his eyes– and he… he had no one while Seungmin had everyone.
He tightens his hold on the younger even if he's sleeping, pressing a long kiss to his forehead. Blinks the tears from his eyes– he doesn't need to cry now, he needs to take care of him. He needs to give him everything he didn't get in the past.
__________
Seungmin makes the decision on a whim.
He cancels all his weekend activities and tells Chan he needs to fill in for him as baseball captain and books the first train back home that night, and already has his bags packed when Jeongin steps through the door.
"Pack your bags," he beams, ignoring the mildly alarmed expression he gets, "Train leaves at eight."
"Are you being chased? Why are we running away?" He sounds amused, dropping his bag next to Seungmin's bed before settling in his lap.
"You need to stop watching action shows." He sighs, running hands over his sides. "We're going on a weekend trip, dumbass."
Jeongin frowns, hint of confusion crossing his face. "Weekend? I thought you had a game tomorrow."
"I do." He shrugs mindlessly. "Told coach that I had such a good time with you my ass will be sore for days."
"Oh my god!" Jeongin nearly shrieks and hits him on the shoulder while Seungmin can't contain his laughter, "You jerk– coach is just starting to like me!"
"Relax– I'm joking, I said I have a really bad flu," Seungmin laughs, shoulders shaking with the motion. "I wouldn't do that!"
"Yes you would." Jeongin grumbles and Seungmin snorts– he absolutely would.
Seungmin pats his ass. "Get up, you have to pack– we're leaving tonight."
"Are you kidnapping me?" He asks bemused, but listens to his request anyway and gets up to grab the overnight bag from his side of the room.
"No, that's for the anniversary date." He deadpans, making the younger snort. "We're gonna go to my parents for the weekend."
Jeongin stills, hands freezing on the zipper.
"Your parents?"
He nods, biting his lip tentatively. "I want you to meet them. And… we could celebrate your birthday at my house."
Jeongin's eyes widen and he looks shell shocked for a few seconds, mouth dropping open– he looks speechless, but it's not that grand, right? He just wants to do something nice for his boyfriend, why does he look ready to cry? Is he–
Jeongin surges up from the floor and kisses him hard enough to fall back on the bed, effectively cutting off his train of thought as he crawls into his lap. Seungmin's hands scramble for purchase on his hoodie, scrunching it up until he's able to hold him with an arm around the waist.
"I didn't know you wanted to meet them that badly." he jokes once they part, but Jeongin doesn't laugh; he looks completely serious, eyebrows scrunched in awe and his touch is almost reverent on Seungmin's face. Careful, as he runs thumbs over his cheekbones, as if he can't believe he's allowed to touch at all.
"You don't have to do this for me," He whispers but his eyes are glistening over in gratitude and tears, "You don't have to cancel your game or– or your plans just to– just to make me happy, I told you I don't–"
"I want to," He murmurs back, eyes crinkling. "I want to make you happy."
Jeongin's expressions are normally a bit guarded; he usually subdues his emotions a bit as to not get overwhelmed. His love for Seungmin shines through like sunlight in between the curtains, filtered behind layers of unspoken thoughts.
Right now, though, everything's out in the open and he's looking at Seungmin like he carries the world, like he's every breath of oxygen he takes. It's overwhelming in all the best possible ways.
"I…" He stops, gulps, frowns for a split second, before he hides his face in Seungmin's neck and clutches him tight and tries again. "I– Seung, I–"
"I got you, Innie." He squeezes him once to accentuate his point, feeling strangely tender under the low light of their dorm while holding him like this.
"Thank you." He eventually ends on, even if they both know he wanted to say something else. "Thank you. Really, I– I'm happy. With you."
Seungmin smiles. It's enough for now. "I'm happy with you too. Now go pack before we miss our train." He pats his butt again to lighten the mood and it works, Jeongin shooting back up with a blinding grin to restart on the overnight bag.
He packs everything in a flash, skipping from room to room with an aura of child like joy around him that squeezes Seungmin's heart tightly in his confines.
I love you, too. He thinks distantly, to the unspoken words Jeongin can't say yet.
The train back to Gimpo takes just three hours, but Jeongin is already nodding off an hour in. His head droops to Seungmin's shoulder multiple times but he shakes himself awake, staring out the window at the passing landscapes with wide eyes. Seungmin is hopelessly endeared.
"You can sleep, y'know." He laughs, sliding an arm around his shoulders to draw him closer.
Jeongin shakes his head. "Don't wanna miss anything."
"I'll wake you when we get there," He promises, but the younger shakes his head stubbornly even though he doesn't resist when Seungmin pushes his head down on his shoulder.
"Did you tell your parents about me?" He asks after a moment of silence, fiddling with his hands.
"You've talked to them on the phone, babe." He snorts. "Of course they know about you."
"But did you tell them I'm coming over?" He whines back, pushing at Seungmin's shoulder.
"Of course I did." He rolls his eyes. "Even if I didn't they would never mind you coming over."
Jeongin bites his lip, twisting his rosary ring.
"I never told mine about you." He murmurs, scowling a bit in thought.
"I know, babe. It's okay." He'd prefer if Jeongin never told his parents anything, actually, but he doesn't know if he can say that yet.
"I want to." He continues, looking troubled. "I wanna tell everyone about you, I do– but I'm not out to them– not that I'm ashamed, I just genuinely think they don't deserve to know, and they always hated on the things I liked, and– y'know, I like you quite a lot–"
He's rambling, Seungmin can tell, pouring out the words he's held in for ages because he's allowed to with Seungmin, because he knows Seungmin will catch the jumbled thread he's stuck in and unwind it.
"Jeongin," Seungmin stops his fiddling fingers, making his eyes snap up to face him. "I understand. It's okay. You're gonna meet my parents and they're gonna love you."
A sigh leaves him, relieved and a bit bashful. "Sorry. I'm nervous."
"You don't have to be," Seungmin assures him again, squeezing his hands. "My parents watched me grow up– there's nothing you could do to them that 13 year old me didn't already."
Jeongin laughs at that and it relieves some of the tension in his shoulders, falling back in his seat and simply staring at Seungmin with a grin.
"I'm so excited to see all your childhood pictures and make fun of you."
Seungmin groans. "I forgot about that– is it too late to go back?"
"Way too late." Jeongin answers, shaking his head dramatically.
Seungmin goes to hit him but his hands are caught and Jeongin tries to get him back but Seungmin is faster, and they dissolve in a play fight that results in laughter and offending jabs and copious stares from the seats behind them that neither really care about.
"Holding my hands so I can't hit back is cheating!" Seungmin whines, both of his wrists trapped in Jeongin's big hand.
His boyfriend snorts. "I know you of all people isn't lecturing me about cheating right now."
"I'm not a cheater!" Seungmin squawks even though it's a total lie, immediately disproving his point by lurching forward to bite Jeongin in the shoulder.
"You're such a dog!" He whines, manhandling Seungmin until they're chest to back and he's restrained from doing any more harm.
"That's why you like me though." Seungmin grins, leaning back until his head lands sideways on his shoulder so he can stare up at him.
Jeongin is giving him a signature side eye, but he can't stop it when his gaze clouds over in fondness and he's pushing the older away to scoff and hide his smile behind his hands as he turns away.
"You like me," he singsongs, laying it on thick and leaning against him. "How profoundly embarrassing."
"No, I don't," Jeongin grumbles, pushing him away half heartedly. "I don't even know you, who is this freak?"
Seungmin grins like a shark at the opportunity presented in front of him. "But darling I'm your freak–"
Jeongin makes a retching sound before he's even finished speaking, Seungmin's laughter muffled when he pushes him away by the face.
"Shut up, you're insufferable." He complains, settling his head in the crook of his shoulder. "I hate you. I'm gonna sleep."
Seungmin snorts because they both know how untrue that is, but finally quiets down upon his request.
And they don't really need to speak of it either; Seungmin reads it in the way Jeongin slumps against him, completely lax and comfortable and trusting, in the easy smile resting on his face that whispers of a love greater than words could convey.
And all Seungmin does is interlock their fingers to run his hands over Jeongin's knuckles, to wordlessly answer back that he feels the same.
__________
Seungmin's neighborhood is the exact same as he remembered. Nostalgia hits him at every turn of the taxi and he can feel anticipation building in his stomach as they get closer, Jeongin's hand interlocked in his and rested on his bouncing leg.
Before long the sight of his childhood house greets him like an old friend, warm and inviting and familiar and home. He hopes it'll feel like Jeongin's home too, at the end of this trip.
There's stars in his eyes when he looks back at his boyfriend, he's sure of it. He drags him out of the car and up the driveway in a sure and reassuring grip, but before they can even step onto the porch the door swings open and two figures barrel forward to nearly tumble him to the ground.
"Kim Seungmin!" Minho yells, catching him with an arm around the neck. "The nerve you have– why didn't you call and say you're visiting?!"
"It's been ages since we last saw you!" Jisung fake wails, hanging off his middle and swinging the three of them side to side.
"I called you guys last week!" Seungmin laughs, hanging off his two best friends as they crush him in their embrace. He should've expected his mom to tell them and for them to be here but he's still pleasantly surprised, soaking up their warmth.
"And you couldn't say hey by the way, I'm coming over after three months of being gone?" Minho grumbles, but his grin is blinding when he pulls away. Jisung is sporting the same grin, but that's nothing new– they've always been perfectly in sync.
"Maybe I could've mentioned it, yeah." Seungmin snorts, but he's cut off when Jisung looks behind him and gasps.
"Your boyfriend is real?!"
Seungmin gapes, whirling around to see Jeongin with a startled and confused expression and then whirling back to a shocked Jisung and surprised Minho.
"What is that supposed to mean?!"
"We thought you were lying," Minho explains, impressed. "When your mom said you're bringing your boyfriend I thought no way someone is actually dating you."
They all know he's joking but Seungmin hits him anyway, reaching behind blindly to drag Jeongin to his side. "You guys are both assholes," he sighs, even if he means none of it. "Jeongin, these are my childhood best friends Minho and Jisung. They're very annoying and they're dating."
Jisung preens while Minho rolls his eyes.
"This is my very real and very mine boyfriend, Jeongin." He introduces, holding his hand up like a prize and making the younger hide an embarrassed smile. "Can we go inside now? I'm freezing my balls off."
He drags Jeongin over the threshold and his friends follow easily, all taking off their coats and shoes before finally entering the living room; and it's comfortable, it's the smell of his mom's kimchi jiggae, it's the sight of his brother on the couch lighting up at seeing them, it's everything. It's home.
"Seungmin-ah!" Changbin cries, nearly lifting Seungmin off his feet with the force of his hug. "You made it!"
"Is Seungminnie here?" His mom's face pops up from the kitchen and his dad is quick to follow, and before he knows it his entire family is smothering him in hugs and kisses and greetings.
"Oh and you must be Jeongin!" She coos, cupping his cheeks and looking him up and down before pulling him into a hug as well. "I'm so happy to finally meet you!"
Jeongin looks startled at the hug, tentatively wrapping his arms back around her. "It's nice to meet you too, thank you for letting me be here."
"Of course, boy." His dad laughs, clapping Jeongin on the back. "You're the first boy Seungmin brought home– you must be very special to him."
Jeongin's eyes go wide and Seungmin feels himself heat up, averting his gaze to the floor and trying to ignore Minho's suggestive eyebrow wiggles. Little shit.
"I'm the first?" He sounds surprised– as if there's ever been anyone else as special as him in Seungmin's life.
"Don't let it get to your head," Seungmin mumbles, trying and failing to act casual. He grabs his hand anyway and brings him back to his side, snaking an arm around his waist. "Right– these are my parents. Parents, this is Jeongin, my boyfriend of almost half a year. Jeongin, this is my also brother Changbin."
Changbin flashes him a smile, dressed casually in gym attire like he always is. "It's really nice to meet you, Jeongin. Let's all get settled while mom prepares some late dinner, yeah? You'll unpack in Seung's room after."
He leads them towards the couch to sit, and Seungmin would be lying if he said he didn't miss his brother.
His presence is warm as ever, talking and laughing animatedly with his best friends while also getting to know his boyfriend. Jeongin sticks to his side for the conversations but Seungmin can tell he's relaxing, slipping into conversation easier and easier as the night goes on. The sight warms his heart; he knew everything would be okay, but it still feels like a relief to see him get along so well with his friends and family.
"Seriously, how did Seungmin get his hands on you?" Jisung wonders, half slouched on top of Minho. "You're adorable. You're way too good for him."
"Hey!" Seungmin's offending shout goes unheard over Changbin's laughter, and he shoots Jeongin a betrayed look when he catches him muffling a grin.
"He's good to me too, don't worry." He still assures them, squeezing Seungmin's thigh appreciatively and it does funny things to his insides.
"You sure he's not holding you hostage? You can tell us– we know the feeling," Minho bemuses, sipping his beer slowly.
"I did not hold you two hostage." Seungmin disgruntles.
"You locked us inside the trunk of your mother's car!" Jisung shouts defensively, pointing at Seungmin like he's committed a federal offense.
"That was for the greater good!"
"You locked them in the trunk?" Jeongin snorts, eyebrows reaching his hairline.
"I made them admit their feelings," Seungmin corrects, refusing to be seen as the villain when he's literally the reason his friends are dating. "I had a plan and I followed it and it turned out great!"
"Didn't you accidentally slam it shut though?" Changbin frowns.
"No. I knew what I was doing." Seungmin insists.
(He absolutely did not know– he hadn't even seen them in the trunk, but they got together because of it, so he'll gladly take credit.)
From there on it devolves into more stories of his best friends exposing him, Changbin butting in occasionally to add funny anecdotes of his own to it while Seungmin groans and pretends to shut them up by tossing pillows. Even though he's being teased, the happiness and amusement glowing on Jeongin's face like an ember is something he wouldn't trade for the world.
And it's warm, it's so warm. His parents call them for dinner close to midnight, and despite the late hour conversation bustles on and turns into more stories upon stories, Jeongin eventually getting comfortable enough to share his own and laugh as loud and as pretty as he does in front of their friends back in uni.
Seungmin can't take his eyes off of him, entranced like a sailor drawn to Jeongin's beautiful, siren like voice as he talks; he's so happy, every emotion on his face clear as day and eyes wide in interest. He fits seamlessly into Seungmin's family like he fits every other part of his life, puzzle pieces coming together to paint a breathtaking picture. Here Jeongin somehow seems younger, like the past never happened to him at all.
Before long, the dishes are done and Jisung is yawning in Minho's shoulder and Changbin's eyes are fluttering shut, and it's time to finally go to bed. They say goodbye to his friends who live across the street and bid goodnight to his parents and brother, and then Seungmin is dragging Jeongin up the stairs towards his bedroom.
He feels sated, and happy. A feeling of security washes over him when he's back in his childhood room. It feels different this time somehow, with Jeongin by his side; like he's seeing him in a different light, watching from the bed, endeared, how the younger takes everything in. Jeongin glides his long fingers across his baseball trophies, the pictures of him with his friends, his parents, his team, every tidbit of Seungmin's youth, every piece that made him who he is today.
He stops by Seungmin's desk, pausing on a frame of him as a child. It's of the first day of elementary, Seungmin knows; he's six in it, with both of his arms around Minho and Jisung, Changbin next to him and his parents behind him, all with adoring smiles and just an overall happy moment. It's one of his favorites to remind him he'll always have people in his corner.
He watches as Jeongin stares at it, as his hand comes up to softly trace Seungmin's youthful face; his shoulders tense up, and his shaky exhale rings like a gunshot in the silence of the room, followed by a gasp, and then his shoulders are shaking with sobs.
He jumps up like he's been shocked, concern and a feeling of dread taking over everything else and making him speed towards his boyfriend to catch him when he stumbles, arms tight around him as if to keep the sadness from spilling over.
"Hey, what's wrong? Why are you crying, babe?" He whispers, feeling a bit desperate when Jeongin doesn't respond and just turns around to cry in his shoulder. "Talk to me, please. What's going on?"
Jeongin shakes his head over and over, the words not making it past the sobs– he clutches Seungmin like he'll fall apart if he lets go, knees buckling with whatever he's carrying that's dragging him down like this. Seungmin guides them both to sit against the bed, caging him in with his arms and tights, trying fruitlessly to shield him from every bad thing the other ever went through.
"You're so– you're so loved, Seungmin." he hiccups, still hiding his face in his chest like he can't look at him while he's this vulnerable. "You have a wonderful family and lovely friends, and you have posters and pictures in your room because you– you were allowed to, and your mom cooks you homemade food because she actually wants to and– and you deserve all of it, you always have, I'm sorry for crying, I'm sorry–"
"You don't have to apologize, Jeonginnie–"
"I don't wanna make you feel guilty, I just–" He sobs again, his body convulsing with every one, "I guess I'm just finally realizing I never had any of it. I push it down and say it doesn't matter but I– I had to prove I deserved to be loved every day and I guess I just… didn't. And it hurts. It hurts a lot."
"You do," Seungmin insists, heart aching. "You're so loved, Jeongin, you deserve every bit of love there is."
"Then why didn't they love me?" He asks, his tears hitting Seungmin's skin like a scalding burn. "Why wasn't I ever fucking enough? Why don't I have anyone?"
God, Seungmin feels like he's the one breaking apart. Jeongin is laid open bare in his arms, every emotion he's ever held spilling between the cracks of his fractured foundation. The only silver lining is that he's trusting Seungmin enough to piece him back together, and Seungmin has never been more determined to do something.
"They weren't good to you," he whispers, tilting Jeongin's head up so they're face to face. Seeing the pain in his eyes hurts worse than anything else, but he pushes through for his sake. "Their terrible parenting does not define you as a person, Jeongin. You were more than enough, you've always been enough and it's on them that they never saw you for the perfect person you are."
"I'm… I'm not perfect."
"You are to me." Seungmin denies immediately, wiping away the tears on his cheeks. "And you do have people. My family is yours, my friends are yours, and– and I'm yours, Jeongin. I'll always be yours. You've had a difficult upbringing full of people who didn't deserve you… but that's all in the past. You're here now, sweetheart. You're with me. We're with our friends and family."
He presses a kiss on each of his eyelids and one on his mouth, holding him close to murmur his words into his lips where they'll hopefully land and bloom to life in his chest. "And you deserve it all. You deserve home cooked meals and a family and you deserve to be loved. You are loved, by everyone that matters."
Jeongin's fists curl in his shirt and he's dragged closer to connect their lips again, tender and grateful and so loving it nearly steals Seungmin's breath away. It's mixed with tears and Jeongin is still hiccuping through it but the kiss is perfect, and he doesn't think he's ever felt more in tune with him until this moment.
"I love you," Jeongin whispers, "Kim Seungmin, I love you. I should've said it before, but I– I–"
"I know, it's okay." Seungmin interjects, feeling like his heart is gonna burst out of his chest. "I knew anyway, baby. Even without words. It's okay. I love you, too. I love you so much."
"I love you." Jeongin presses the words into his lips, into his skin, into his tear stricken cheeks again and again until it feels like they're a part of him, until the sound of it rings through him like a beautiful symphony.
They say it over and over, back and forth and differently and as cheesy or as soul crushing as they can because– because Jeongin deserves to hear it and because he wants to say it to Seungmin because he can now, he can say it without any of the guilt and with all of the fondness in the world because it's okay. He's okay, and Seungmin will always be there for him.
He's okay. Jeongin will always be loved as long as he's walking this earth.
"Thank you for everything," he says, once they've finally taken a break from the kissing and are just resting together, finally having moved to the bed instead of the floor. "For all that you always do for me."
"You don't have to thank me, Innie."
"I do." He insists. "I… I was at a really low point when you met me. Everything just felt hopeless, like I was going through the motions without a clear purpose or even a clear anything to fall back on."
Seungmin straightens a bit, frowning. Jeongin's never told him this.
"I think it's the most alone I felt since I was a kid. I felt so hopeless that I turned back to praying, hoping for something to hear me– whatever it was out there, I begged it to give me something. Anything, as long as it offered a distraction from my life, a shred of happiness to wake up for every day."
His smile is a bit wobbly but his eyes are impossibly soft, stroking Seungmin's cheek with one hand. "And I met you the next day. For the first time in my life it felt like my prayers actually worked. I'm obviously not religious, but– there was something that gave you to me, Seungmin, and I'm forever grateful to it."
Seungmin feels like he can't breathe, heart expanding and contracting in his chest like an inflated balloon until it explodes into a thousand different emotions and he's pushing Jeongin onto his back to kiss him fervently. He doesn't think he'll ever love someone as much as he loves him. He doesn't even think there's a word for what he's feeling, nothing will ever compare.
"I'm gonna keep you forever," he mumbles in between kisses, because pulling away feels impossible right now. "I'm keeping you and loving you forever and you're never getting rid of me, ever."
"Good," Jeongin tightens his hold on him, "because I'll never want to."
Intertwined together in his childhood bedroom, Seungmin falls in love with Jeongin all over again.
__________
They celebrate Jeongin's birthday the next day.
Seungmin wakes him up with kisses to his face and Changbin holds the cake as everyone sings to him, and when he blows out the candles Jeongin is sporting the biggest smile he's ever seen.
Seungmin feels like he's floating on a cloud he'll never come down from. They eat breakfast together with his family and it's all disgustingly domestic. For the thousandth time, he feels overwhelmed by how right Jeongin looks sitting between his family.
Minho and Jisung show up for lunch, carrying tupperwares full of seaweed soup and birthday cupcakes, and even though Jeongin pretends to cringe at their hugs and kisses he's clearly enjoying being pampered.
"Okay, so this little shit–" Minho flicks Seungmin's forehead as he says it, "–didn't tell us it was your birthday either but I remembered him saying you really like seaweed soup, so I hope you like what hyung made for you and if you don't I'll make you eat it anyway because I made it with love."
He's trying to sound threatening but it's nullified by him scooping a generous amount of soup into Jeongin's bowl, refusing to let him do it himself.
"I made the cakes!" Jisung states proudly, grabbing the prettiest one and giving it to Jeongin. "I'm kinda shit at baking but these turned out great so we hope you like it, Jeonginnie!"
"I love everything, thank you both so much." Jeongin smiles, eyes shining with emotion. "It's delicious and you both being here is already enough. Thank you."
"Stop inflating their ego," Seungmin jokes, but he's genuinely happy that his friends love his boyfriend this much. Lunch is amazing and before long the doorbell rings, Jeongin's confused face turning into one of surprise and fondness when Chan, Hyunjin and Felix filter through the door.
"You guys didn't have to come all this way," he mumbles, accepting their hugs and kisses for once. "Seriously, I–"
Felix clasps a hand in front of his mouth, leveling him with a look. "Jeongin, we all would rather fail our midterms than miss your birthday."
Jeongin shuts up and only grins, thanking them again shyly and ushering them inside. The evening is spent with all of the others and Seungmin's parents, and he feels more complete than he has in years.
"Okay– who's giving the first present?" Hyunjin asks, bouncing in his seat. Changbin is looking at him strangely fondly– he'll have to ask about that later.
"You guys didn't have to–"
"It's your birthday." Minho deadpans, shoving a cake inside Jeongin's mouth making him sputter, and that's that. Everyone gets their presents out on the table, and they decide to go clockwise.
There are stars in Jeongin's eyes, still in disbelief like he can't believe he's finally allowed this. Seungmin loves him. He'll never get tired of thinking or saying it.
Changbin gifts him new headphones and tells him he'll buy anything and Jeongin only has to ask, already well on his way to adopt Seungmin's boyfriend. Minho and Jisung apparently did not only bring food but also a mug with a truly terrible picture of Seungmin on it. The only reason he doesn't kill them is because Jeongin laughs until he cries.
(Whatever. He's already making plans to lock them in the trunk again.)
Hyunjin gifts him a painting that he made and Jeongin has to hide his face in his neck so he doesn't cry. Chan gifts him a whole new phone (because it's Chan) and Felix gifts him a phone case to go with it along with a Damiani set, and Jeongin stumbles out thank you's like it's all he knows.
Fuck, Seungmin is so lucky. He doesn't know how he ever got this lucky.
And then it's his turn to give his gift, and Seungmin's palms start sweating. Right. He meant to give his yesterday already, but– well, they got a bit distracted and then he forgot about it, but how his pocket suddenly feels impossibly heavy.
"Um. I meant to give you this last night, but then I forgot," he mumbles, playing with his fingers and not looking at Jeongin. "So now I have to do it in front of everyone which is super embarrassing, but I guess its fine anyway."
Jeongin looks confused. Seungmin takes the ring out with shaking fingers, the sun on it glinting in the low light.
Jeongin's eyes go wide and it's suddenly very quiet– Seungmin feels scrutinized so he almost shoves it towards Jeongin, holding it out like it'll explode any second.
"It's a promise ring– my parents gave it to me so I could give it to someone I wanted to spend forever with, so I'm, like, giving it to you. Or whatever. You know, because– yeah."
God, this is fucking embarrassing. Why is it suddenly so embarrassing to be affectionate? Oh yeah, because his soul is bared for everyone to see and he feels like he's on fire. Sure, yeah.
Jeongin takes it with a tentative grip, a smile slowly overtaking his face until it's blinding, and then he puts it on and Seungmin really just forgets how to breathe.
His friends all coo and boo and gag do whatever, but it all fades into the background when Jeongin kisses him sweeter than he's ever done.
"I wanna spend forever with you too." His smile is addictive against Seungmin's lips. "Or whatever."
"Good. That's good." He stammers. "Nice. Perfect."
"I love you."
"I love you too. And all that."
Jeongin laughs, unabashed and free and joyful, in Seungmin's house surrounded by their friends on his birthday, full of happiness.
Seungmin loves him more than he could ever say.