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Buck stood and watched as Zane and Jade walked out of the station. Waving when they turned one last time.
Once out of sight, he took a deep breath and let it out, turning to head back to the locker room, preparing himself for the onslaught of teasing coming his way from Ravi and Eddie.
Buck didn’t say anything, just went back to gathering his things.
“Hey, I’m proud of you, Buck. That was very mature of you.” Ravi said, clapping him on the shoulder, and Buck nodded wordlessly. Just waiting for the…
“I still can’t believe you got yourself into that situation. But then again, you are Buck, so I guess I can believe it.” Eddie said, and yeah, there it was.
“I know. Bucked it up good this time.” Buck said, turning to put his stuff in his bag before zipping it up.
“Guys want to come over for pizza and video games?” Eddie asked as Buck hung his jacket in his locker and grabbed his phone.
The sudden and overwhelming urge to reach out to Tommy returned with a force so strong he was sure Eddie and Ravi could feel it too. “Nah, I think I’m gonna go home. Just decompress,” Buck said, grabbing his bag and throwing it over his shoulder.
“Come on, Buck, don’t sulk. It happened, move on. You should be good at this part by now.” Eddie said and laughed as they all walked out of the locker room.
“Yeah, should be.” Buck agreed with a halfhearted chuckle. Moving toward his truck, “I’ll see you in 48 hours. Have a good night,” he called back more than halfway to his truck.
Once he was sitting inside, the door closed and locked, so Eddie didn’t try to drag him from his truck. Buck rested his head back against the headrest and sighed. A deep, long sigh that again broke something apart inside of him.
Reaching forward, Buck grabbed his phone off the mount he’d placed it on out of instinct. Before he could stop himself, he opened his text thread with Tommy and typed out a message.
Buck- “When will it be enough? When can this game end?”
He hit send and closed his eyes again. He didn’t want to see the bubbles again. He didn’t want to see that Tommy had gotten his message, but would just type and delete several of his own, as he had done so many times before.
He didn’t want Tommy to bubble him. He wanted Tommy to fucking talk to him. He wanted Tommy to care. Buck wanted Tommy to fucking want him as much as he wanted Tommy.
A few seconds went by before Buck opened his eyes and looked at his phone again. His message unread, he put his phone back on the mount and started the truck. It was probably best to use this silence to get home before they got into this unavoidable conversation.
Tommy hadn’t been expecting it. But also, he had. He was surprised it took this long. He sat looking at his notifications for longer than he cares to admit. Slowly sipping on the beer he’d grab from his fridge just before it came through.
Evan- “When will it be enough? When can this game end?”
Tommy didn’t know how long he stared at it before finally opening it and typing out his reply.
Tommy- “What are you talking about, Buck?”
Tommy didn’t have to wait long to receive a reply, and he sighed, opening the message immediately this time. Watching as each message question came in one after the other.
Evan- “No. Don’t do that. Don’t call me that.
Evan- “You said to me that you couldn’t be my last. That I was still figuring myself out.”
Evan- “Why can’t both be true? Why can’t I still be trying to figure myself out, but have also found the one person I want to spend the rest of my life with?”
Evan- “Why does everyone think that just because I am bisexual that all of a sudden I am required to be hopelessly in love with my STRAIGHT best friend, just because we’ve been friends for years?
Evan- “Why does everyone think they get to say who I date and what I do with MY life, but nobody gives a fuck enough to ask me what I want? Where am I going?”
Evan- “Why the fuck am I NOT ENOUGH?!?!?!”
Evan- Tommy, what we had was the most real thing I have had in my life in a long time. And I know, I know I screwed up, and I said the wrong thing. More than once. And for that, I am sorry. But god dammit, Tommy, it’s my fucking life, and I want you in it! I want to be with you. I want to grow with you; I want to figure my life out with YOU BY MY SIDE.
Tommy waited, not wanting to interrupt what Evan had to say. Suddenly having the overwhelming feeling that this was a conversation they should be having in person, not over the phone.
Tommy- “Where are you? We shouldn’t be doing this through text. Or over the phone.”
Evan- “It’s not a conversation I feel can be done in person without you running.”
Tommy looked down, Evan’s words stinging more than he was willing to admit.
Tommy- “Come over. Then I can’t run. It’s my house.”
Tommy sent, trying to bring some humor into the situation.
Evan- “This isn’t a fucking joke, Tommy.”
Evan shot back, and Tommy sighed.
Tommy- “I know it’s not. Just come over, Evan.”
Tommy sent back and dropped his phone back down on the coffee table in front of him. Leaning back on the couch, he ran his hand over his face and let out a deep sigh.
Buck got out of the truck after parking. He looked up at the sky and took a deep breath. It wasn’t helping to calm him. He shouldn’t be there right now. They had almost silently agreed that they wouldn’t do this anymore. Buck was afraid that this would only end one way.
Him underneath Tommy as he took him apart.
“Fuck” Buck groaned under his breath and shook his arms out, lifting his hand up. He knocked on the door and waited.
“Hi,” Tommy said as he opened the door and stepped aside to let Buck in.
“Hi,” Buck said back, standing awkwardly staring at Tommy. “I don’t want to have sex tonight.” Buck blurted out for no reason at all.
Tommy chuckled, choking on his laugh to keep it inside. “I, uh, neither do I. That’s not what this is about, right?”
Buck nodded his head. “Right. I-I just needed to put it out there. I guess. That’s all.”
“Sure, I get it. Thank you. Want something to drink? Water, beer?”
“Got anything stronger?” Buck asked, and Tommy smiled. The tension is easing a little bit more.
“Not sure stronger is what we need tonight. We all know what happens when you get a little tequila in you.” Tommy joked, and Buck laughed softly.
“No, that, uh, that wasn’t because of the tequila, Tommy. That was very much you.”
Tommy looked over at Evan across the island in his kitchen, a smile forming on his face. His eyes started to crinkle at the edges. Tommy popped the top off the bottle of beer he’d pulled from the fridge and slid it over to Evan.
“Thanks,” Evan muttered as he lifted his hand from his side to stop the bottle.
“Welcome,” Tommy said, and they both stood in silence staring at each other.
“I, uh, I’ve been seeing other people. It’s been crazy. Last week, Rav and I took Eddie out to help him dip back into the dating pool. I went up to this woman with the intention of giving her Eddie's number, and turns out she wanted mine.” Tommy pursed his lips, leaning back against the counter behind him.
“Hey, good for you. Glad you’re getting back out there.” Tommy said, with as much sincerity as he could muster.
“I fucking hate it. I don’t want to be back out there because then things like this happen, and I feel like a total idiot all over again.” Evan blurted out, and Tommy felt concern rise up in his chest.
“What happened?” Tommy asked, taking a sip of his beer.
Evan chuckled and took his own sip. Setting it back down, eyes fixed on the bottle. “I got a girl’s number, then a guy approached me. Went out with both. Slept with both. On separate nights. And then found out just about an hour ago that they are married to each other, and they targeted me looking for a third.” Evan finally met Tommy’s eyes, and the sadness Tommy saw in them almost broke him in half.
“I don’t want to be a third, Tommy. I don’t even want to be a half. It was real, what I felt. What I feel for you. It’s real.”
“Evan,” Tommy whispered and looked up at the ceiling, blinking back the tears that threatened to fall. How was Tommy supposed to give this man up now?
“Evan,” Tommy whispered, and Buck watched as he looked up at the ceiling. Buck knew that tone. That was the ‘I’m not your last’ tone. This was it. He was being rejected again.
Buck let out a breath and nodded, though Tommy couldn’t see. He slowly backed away from the counter and cleared his throat before speaking, trying to get the lump sitting in the base to dissolve. “I get it. You, uh, you don’t have to say anything more. I’m sorry I bothered you.” Buck said, reaching his hand up as a small tear escaped his eye. “I’ll, I’ll go. I’m sorry, Tommy.”
Buck moved from his spot and turned toward the living room and front door. Not stopped as Tommy called out to him.
“Wait, Evan. Stop.” Tommy tried, but Buck kept moving.
“Evan, stop. You don’t understand. You had your turn, now it’s time to listen.” Tommy said, reaching out and grabbing Buck’s arm to turn him to face him once again.
“Tomm…” Buck started before Tommy’s lips were crashing into his own. Buck gasped into the kiss and brought his hand up and carded his fingers into Tommy’s hair, pulling him impossibly closer.
When the need for air became too much, Tommy broke the kiss. Buck leaned forward. Pressing his forehead to Tommy.
“I am scared to love you, Evan. But I am more scared to not have you.” Tommy whispered, closing his eyes as he spoke.
“I’m right here, Tommy. You can have me. Just say the word, I’m yours, baby.” Buck whispered to him, and Tommy let out a small sob.
“You’ll leave, eventually,” Tommy said, pulling back and looking Buck in the eyes. Bring a hand up, he gently caressed Buck’s face as if he were memorizing him.
“You don’t know that.” Buck countered, and Tommy had to suppress a groan.
“Evan, I’ve been at this just a little bit longer here. I know where my place in a person's life usually is. I am nobody’s last. I’m the stepping stone to the forever. But never the forever.”
“Fuck, Tommy, I am standing here in front of you telling you I want you to be my forever. Or are you not hearing me?” Buck said, exasperated at the man standing in front of him.
“I hear you, Evan. I always hear you. But I can’t accept it. I can’t stand here and let you love me when I know how it all ends. I can’t stand here and be in love with you because I know how it all ends. And I said it before, but I’ll it with certainty this time, if stayed if we moved forward together, I wouldn’t be able to handle… I would not survive you leaving me.”
“So, I don’t even get the chance to prove you wrong? I’m the one who has to pay for everyone else’s mistakes?” Buck asked, not caring to hide the tears forming in his eyes anymore.
“Evan, I have to protect myself.”
“Yeah, and in doing so, you’re closing yourself off. And what? You’ll just sit alone in your house and pretend like you don’t love me too? How long will that take? Cause from where I stand, Tommy, it’s not working at all because we keep ending up right back here.”
“I never said I was going to pretend that I don’t love you, Evan,” Tommy whispered, resting his hand against Buck’s face. “I said I can’t love you the way I do.”
Buck closed his eyes and let the first of many more tears roll down his cheek as he whispered to Tommy, “Please, Tommy. Give me the chance, let me love you the way I know I do.”
Buck looked up at Tommy, his eyes pleading with him one last time. Buck knew if he walked out the door, this time would truly be the last time. This was their make-or-break moment. And Buck desperately wanted to make it.
Tommy shook his head, gently wiping the tear from Buck’s cheek. Leaning in, he kissed him gently once more, pulling back and out of Buck’s embrace. “I can’t, Evan. I’m sorry. I love you, but I can’t.”
Buck let his head drop, taking in a deep shuttering breath. Lifting his head, the tears were now coming faster. Buck tried to smile through the pain searing through his entire body. “I love you, Tommy. And I am going to show you how much, even if I get nowhere with it. I don’t want anyone else. Ever. I will spend the rest of my life proving you wrong, Tommy.”
Buck said, and then slowly turned and walked to the front door. Opening it he stepped outside, leaving his heart at Tommy’s feet. He slowly moved to where his truck was parked. Buck knew that sometimes in the end, the happy ending didn’t come.
Sometimes things just ended.
Boyfriends leave… Best friends become enemies… father figures die… and it all just ends…
8 years later….
Buck looked up from the book he had been reading, feeling a presence near him he hadn’t felt in a long time. He scanned the café, looking for even a glimpse of a familiar face. He hadn’t been back in California long, having just moved back two days prior.
Buck’s eyes finally landed on the familiar figure, the same figure of the man he lost so many years ago, and his breath caught for a moment. He wasn’t sure if he should stay or go, but if he got up to leave right now, he would have to walk right past where Tommy sat. And there was no way he wouldn’t notice him if he did that.
Buck picked up his cup and took a sip of his coffee. Deciding to just stay and wait it out. Picking his book back up, he opened to the page he left on. Trying to focus on the words across the page.
When he had read the same sentence several times, he closed the book again and looked around. Purposefully keeping his eyes away from where Tommy sat across from, most likely his date, maybe even his husband. And the thought of that suddenly made Buck’s heart drop, and he needed to get out of the café.
Buck gathered his things and started to stand, keeping himself as calm as he could. He would freak out later when he was alone in his apartment. When he felt that familiar presence in front of him that he had missed for years now.
“Evan?” Tommy asked softly, and Buck met his eyes, a small smile spreading across his face.
“Hey, Tommy. Wow, how are you?” Buck asked, reaching his hand out, offering it for a quick shake. Tommy looked down at his hand and kindly pushed it away before pulling Buck in for a hug.
“I’m good. Nobody told me you’d come back.” Tommy said as he pulled back.
“I, uh, I haven’t told anyone I’m back. Still getting settled in. But don’t let me keep you from your friend. I was just heading out.” Buck said and gathered his things. Looking back up when Tommy laughed softly, his eyes crinkling at the corners the way Buck still loved.
“He’s uh, not a friend.” Tommy started, and Buck wanted to get out before he said anything more.
“Right, sorry. You’ve probably long settled down. I didn’t mean anything by it.”
“No, he’s my therapist. Just so you know. I’m not..” Tommy shook his head, and something in Buck's chest loosened.
“Oh, cool. Neither am I.” Buck said, trying to keep himself calm, and Tommy nodded. “Well, it was good to see you. We should catch up sometime. Go grab a beer.”
“Yeah, for sure. Same number?”
“Yeah. Always. I, uh, I was hoping one day…” Buck admitted softly, and Tommy nodded.
“I know, me too.”
“Yeah, just call me, text me. Whatever. It was good seeing you.” Buck said, smiling and hugging Tommy one last time before moving past him to the door of the café. Taking a deep breath when he was outside and felt he could breathe again.
Tommy stood watching as Evan walked out of the café, shaking his head. He slowly moved back to the table where John was.
“Was that him?” John asked, and Tommy smiled and sat down.
“Yeah, that was him.” The one who got away, the current thought running through his head.
“How do you feel?”
Tommy took a deep breath, letting his mind process the moment before he spoke again. Turning to try and catch a small glimpse of Evan before he was fully out of view. “Like I just watch my heart walk away…” Tommy started. “Again,” He finished as he looked back at John.
“Yeah, I get that. Are you ready to fix that? We’ve gone over all of that in detail. You’re in a better place now, are you in a place where you can accept him and the love that he wanted to give you back when you thought he wasn’t ready?” John asked, and Tommy took another deep breath.
Thoughts invaded his mind of what could have been, of what he lost all those years ago, of what he might never get again. Tommy didn’t know where Evan was at. They had stopped all contact that night, 8 years ago, and actively made sure they did not work directly together on joint calls.
It was torture for 2 years, until Howie told Tommy that Evan had taken a job at a station in Chicago. Tommy had felt the sting of his departure, even though he had no right to.
Was Tommy ready to go back to Evan, to tell him that he was sorry for all that had happened in the past? That he never stopped thinking about him? Never stopped loving him?
Tommy looked up at John again, nodding his head slightly. “Yeah, I am. I love him. And if he’ll have me, I want to show him how much I’ve loved him all this time.” Tommy finished his sentence and smiled, John nodding his head in agreement.
“Then send the text,” John said, and Tommy felt his heart flutter at the thought of the message he was made to type and save 4 years prior, even though there was a possibility that Evan would never receive it.
The message never sent…
Tommy- “Evan, I don’t know if I will ever send this. But I wanted to type this all out anyway. First off, I have to apologize. I treated you poorly before, punishing you for others' past mistakes was unfair of me, and I am truly sorry.
I have been going to therapy for about 3 years now, and I’ve worked through a lot. Still have a lot to work through. I have been told I need to explain why I wasn’t able to accept what you were promising me.
His name was Mark, he was my second boyfriend I had after finally coming out, I was, as I was with you, his first. And on paper, he seemed perfect, for months I let him into my life. Gave him parts of myself that nobody had ever had before. Nobody had ever seen before. And I fell in love with him, hard. I thought he was it.
He was my world, and I was going to prove it and ask him to marry me. We’d just moved in together, he moved in with me, and I had it all planned out. And the night I proposed, he said he wasn’t ready to settle down. Said that first relationships weren’t meant to last, they were the fun relationships. The one to get you to the one. From then on, I made it a point to never be someone’s first again.
And then this tall, adorable firefighter walked into Harbor Station, and at one look into his blue eyes, I knew I was in trouble. But I didn’t hope too much, because how could a guy as gorgeous as you be into me at all? And then you I kissed you and saw this light in you, and it drew me in, I just couldn’t be apart from you. I fell in love with you, probably from the very beginning.
And when you started talking about moving in together, and getting engaged, and this future you had planned out for us, I admit, I got scared. And I ran. And I kept running.
I want to stop running, even if I have to stop running and be alone. I need to stop running if I want to find… If I want to find you again.
Evan, I want you. I want you more than I have wanted anything in a long time. And for the longest time, I couldn’t ask for what I wanted, because I didn’t feel I deserved to or that it would last. I want to give us the chance I so carelessly took away from you.
Evan, I am sorry. And if one day you actually get to read through all this, I hope it’s not too late. But if it is, then I would understand. It was my own fault.
I love you, Evan Buckley. You are the love of my life. I know I never told you that. But I should have. The night I let you walk away, these are the words I should have spoken but was terrified to say.
Yours always.
Tommy
04/04/2030