Chapter Text
2009, a week after the draft
Kei Hollander was tired. Or sad. He didnt really know.
His brother, Shane Hollander, had been drafted to the Montreal Voyageurs and had been the over all seconde pick. His brother seemed happy about, if a little angry that Ilya Rozanov had come before him. But still very happy with it.
And so had everyone eles. Their parents, Kei's teachers, Kei's hockey coaches and his teammates. Everybody kept asking how Shane was doing and if he was ready for the season. Kei was tired of it.
He was sitting in his bedroom, at his desk staring at the homework he was meant to be doing. It was math, and Kei was good enough at that. Not the best, but he is doing nothing right now. Just staring at it, for about 30 minutets.
Hockey practise that afternoon, had been hell. They had just been shooting pucks, and played a game to end practise. Like they often did. But it was that game that Kei could not get out of his head. It was normal that a bit of trash talk would be going on. It was hockey after all, and they might be teammates but they could still give eachother shit. Like any other group of 8 -12 year old boys.
Kei was one of the youngst and smallest boys on the team. Normaly it did not mean much. And it probley would mean nothing, if it was not for Kei's brother. Maybe if Shane was not an NHL star, then it would be fine that Kei, was honestly a bit shit at hockey.
But Shane was a NHL star. So it did matter.
He had heard it from coach's before, even teammates a few times. Talking about how they where sure he would become a hockey star just like his brother. And that he just need a little bit more practise. Kei knew it was a lie, he was really not the best at hockey at all.
But one of his teammates had said "Are you sure your even realted to Shane, with how shit you are?" It was a joke, it really was nothing but a joke. Kei had laughed along with everyone eles. Pretended the comment did not stap into him like a knife.
And now he sat here at home and the comment would not leave his head. Would not get out of there. No matter how loud Kei turned up the music in his headphones. The comment was still there in his head screaming at him over and over again.
He had allways know that he would never be as good as Shane. Never be the same star as him. Kei would never live up to his older brother. Even at 8, Shane had been much better then Kei was. But there was another massive diffrence between Kei and Shane.
Shane loved hockey, Kei did not.
He didnt hate it, he just did not love it as much as Shane did. Or even his other teammates. There was just something about it. Kei hated the fighting of it, the whole part where you had to slam the other players. And while Kei knew you could avoided he just didnt like it. And you still had to do it sometimes, Kei hated it.
But he loved the ice. Loved when the lake close to their house frose over, and he got to skate on it. Often just got to skate in cirkels and going fast. Kei loved that. And sometimes when he would be leaving the rink after practise, he would spot the figur skaters. He would stand there and stare at them as the spun and jumped. Kei would look until his mother or father called him away.
Bitting his lip, Kei turned his music off. He stood up from his desk. Kei walked from his room to the living room. His parents where sitting there, watching something on the TV. His brother was in Montreal looking for places to stay when he was to move there next season. Shane would be home tomorve again.
"Kei? Are you still awake?" His mom said sitting up more, and pausing the TV. Some seires that did not matter right now. He had to say this, so Kei took a deep breath and opended his mouth.
"I wanna quit hockey" He said and waited for the yelling. Or something from his parents. They allmost never yelled at him and his brother, but still. Kei just stood their as shock passed over his parents face's. His mom's first and then his dad's.
"That... ehm okay, sweetheart" His dad said. His dad looked at his mother then back at him. Kei's mom was still sitting there in shock at what she had just heard "Is there a reason why, did something happen at practise?"
"No, i just i dont like it" He said and felt his hands twisting together when his mom still said nothing. "I ehm think it is just not for me. I love skating and i dont hate hockey or anything. I just think that maybe hokcey it not for me. Ehm i dont like when we have to scrimmage or like ehmmm are you mad?"
That gets my mom to say something "Oh no honey no, of course we arent mad at you. Come here, sit" His mom said patting the place in between the two of them. Kei sits down trying not to bite his nails, or pull at the skin on his fingers. "It okay that you dont want to play hockey anymore. We arent going to force you to play hockey. If you dont want to play hockey, is there something eles you want to do?"
Kei bit his lip and tugged at his fingers. His mom put her hand over his, and stopped him from pulling at his fingers. "I ehm i think i wanna do figur skating. I have seen some of them sometimes when i leave for practise. And i have been looking into it, and i think that it sounds like really fun. And i know that it might be a little bit expe-"
"No no dont worry about that" His dad hurried to say putting a hand on his shoulder. "We will take a look at it okay?" His dad and mom shared a quick look and Kei walked back to his room.
He manage to finish off his homework. Not the extra things, but still.
2012, Montreal Voyageurs Chaning room.
"Mom! I have missed you to but you have to let me go" His mom had Shane tight in his arms, and she was not letting go of him.
The whole family was in Montreal to watch Shane play a game. It would be Shane's third season play in the NHL. He had been made alternate captian, for this season. Wich was crazy for such a young player, but Shane allways had to be the best. No matter what happend.
Kei had been figur skating for nearly 3 years now. He loved it, and had even won some compations. He was getting better. Some people say he might make it to the olympics one day. Not in 2014, but maybe in 2018. He would be around 18 by then and would have been skating for 9 years.
"Oh but i have just missed you so much" Their mom said finally letting go of Shane to look him over "Look at you, you look so great"
"Mom we face timed last week" Shane said pulling their father into a thight hug "Good to see you dad"
"Yes, yes and good play out there. Really great game" Their dad said hugging Shane back. His dad had allways been less touchy then their mother. Their mother hugged more, their dad talked more to them about everything or did things for them.
"Thank you, thanks dad" Shane said and then turned his eyes to Kei. Kei was still only 150 cm tall, and he had keept his thin nature. But he had gotten a little bit more bit more muscel on his body. But he had to keep a little bit skinny to fit the standards of the figur skating world.
"Look at you" Shane says ruffling up his hair. Something he had allways done ever since Kei could rember. "You grown a bit havent you. Getting a bit taller on me there"
"Stop doing that" Kei said trying to bat away Shane's and pushed his hand off from his hair. "You messing it up" Kei tried to push down the hair to be like it had been before.
"Oh Kei's been doing really good in practise havent you?" Their mom said putting an arm around Kei's shoulders. Kei smilled up at his mother. He liked making her proud, because it made he smile in that way where he eyes shined too.
They all filled into the resturant, some italien place that Shane had picked out. He was on some new diet and this was one of the place's that he could actully eat out at. Kei didnt mind, he was not the most picky eater. But he was aware of what he ate even at the age of 11. He knew that there was something the he could not just eat all the time.
Kei might only be 11, but he had to keep in shape. If he wanted to make it to the big leages and make a name outside of just Shane's brother. So he had to be perfect. At all times. Just like Shane. He also knew that unlike many of the white figur skating boys that practised at the same rink that he did, he could not be like them.
He might only be 11 but you had to blind not to see it. The way Shane had to be the golden perfectly polite boy of hockey. Because of their race. Shane had to be this perfect hockey player to make people look away from the fact that he was Asian. And so many young boys looking up to him, to see themself's in a place they didnt not often see themselfs.
But thoes people, thoes parents would not want a bad boy. They would want a role model that was perfect and good. That way they could show their kids without having to tell them that what Shane did was not right.
And well people loved him did they not?
But Kei wanted to push it. He found himself often wanting to do the things his other figur skating friends go to do. Wanting to be a bit bad sometimes. To push what people wanted out of him. Not just be another Hollander who did nothing wrong.
But at the same time, Kei was quiet. Even when he got angry. Unlike Shane who when he was angry at somebody, truly angry, Kei could hold it in. He could just let it fester inside him. Tho he knew, that at some point, all that anger was gonna blow up. And he would hurt people.
"So how is school?" Shane asked him as they dug into their food. Shane had the most boring looking salad infront of him, and just water. God his brother was truly not like everyone thought. He was just borning.
Kei wanted to say it was bad. That everyone there either hated him, or compared him to Shane. That the teachers didnt want Kei, the troubeld quiet boy who wanted to sink into the back. They wanted a mini Shane, a kid who would get perfect grades and would allways be nice to everyone no matter what. But he said none of that, didnt even think to menetion the fact he had punched a kid last week.
The kid had been making fucking viel comments about the girls. Kei had not been abel to take it anymore, so he had punched him. And even today he did not regret a thing. But Kei told Shane none of it, he just said. "It fine"
"Kei got himself of knack for getting in troubel dont you?" Their mom said. Shane lifted an eyebrow at that, and Kei just rolled his eyes. "Got in a fight with one of the older kids last week"
"What?!" Shane said nearly chocking on his salad, "Why?"
"He was an asshole" Was all Kei said, then turned to his mom "And it was hardley a fight. I just punched him"
"Well you have to stop that is the 3rd time this month" Their mom said as she took a bite of their pasta "Shane never got in fights when he was your age"
Kei rolled his eyes even harder at that comment. Perfect Shane he thought as he took a bite of his pizza and watched his parents ask Shane about a 100 qustions. Some of them about hockey, some about his sponser ships (Mostly from his mom) and some about Ilya Rozanov.
Kei knew Ilya Rozanov. His parents, his mom easpacliy talked about him alot, like alot. And plus, you could hardley look up Shane Hollander with out also seeing Ilya Rozanov. The two where rivals. Or at least that is what the leage wanted everyone to think they where. But Kei knew his brother better then anyone. There might have been an 8 year age diffrence. But he knew his brother.
His brother had never once in his whole life hated some one out in the open. Or even disliked someone. Only if everyone eles in the world would agree with him about that person. No Shane would hide it away for everyone to see, and then vent about it to their parents. Or to his dairy wich he thought no one knew about. And well it was only Kei who knew.
But Shane seemed to hate this guy. Kei did not belive it. He knew that Shane could not hate someone, just because they where cocky. Other wise he would hate allmost everyone i hockey. And alot of people. Maybe it was just Kei but there was allmost a glint in his eye when Shane talked about Rozanov. Like he knew something no one eles knew about him.
Kei did not want to know about that. His brother would tell him in his own time. But still, Kei did not with any part of his body think that Shane hated Rozanov.
2017, january 25th
Kei was a national champion now.
He won yesterday. He had stood on the first place of the singel men prodium. Had worn a gold medeal around his neck.
Said gold medal now hung over his bedpost, and the flowers stood in a vase on his desk. Kei had gone home right after all the press was over. Had taken a flight and landed just a few hours ago in Ottawa. The moment his head hit the pillow he was out for the count.
Now here he lay in his bed, looking at his phone. Looking at social media, instergram and just everything he could find online about his win last night. To his surprise there was actully alot of it. Like alot.
Twitter had blown up after Shane had posted about how proud he was of his brother. Some people where shocked to even find out that Shane Hollander had a brother.
There was alot of artikels about him too. But something he hated about it was that over half of them did not call him by his name in the titel. No there he was refered to as "Shane Hollander's younger brother".
It pissed him the fuck off. Did he have to be Shane's brother? Could he not just be Kei Hollander?
Kei trough his phone down on the bed, and stood up. He made his way downstairs, grapping his running shoes. His dad spotted him from where he was sitting at the kitchen tabel. Jesus his dad was as borning as his brother, doing crosswords.
"Heading out for a run? Should you not rest a bit?" His dad said, pulling his glass's on top of his head, as he looked over Kei.
"Too much energy" Kei said putting his headphons back in his ears, pressing play on his running playlist. He ignored his dad's concered looked, as he left the house. He ran 2 times around the frozen lake, before putting on his skate's and skating the routine he had won with last night. Not once but twice.
He was about to start on it for a third time when he spotted a figur standing at the edge of the lake. Kei stopped and started as his brother came skating on to the ice.
"What are you doing here?" Kei said pulling his headphones out his ears, pressing pause on the song he had on reapet.
"Mom called. Said you seemed out of it, and that you where out here for hours" Shane said skating to a stop infront ot Kei. "Drove here from Montreal. What's wrong?"
Kei turned away and began skating in cirkels again. He could not stand still on the ice for to long with out getting all this energy in him. "You know what Sports news called me? And the new york times? Sports Illustrated?"
"No, was is it something mean?" Shane said still just standing there on the ice, letting Kei skate around him. "Listen Kei you just gotta igno-"
"Shane hollander's younger brother" Kei said comming to a stop infront of Shane "That is what they called me. In the tittle. That is what twitter called me, what everyone calls me"
Shane just looked at him, with these eyes that said that he was sorry. "I ehm Kei, you are my younger brother. And i get that you dont wanna be know as that, but i dont kn-"
"I DONT WANNA BE KNOW AS THAT!!!" Kei yells at him, showing his arms to both side. "I WANT THEM TO CALL ME KEI HOLLANDER. I WANT TO BE KEI HOLLANDER, 2 TIMES NATIONAL CHAMPION IN FIGUR SKATING AT THE AGE OF 16. NOT JUST SHANE HOLLANDER'S YOUNGER BROTHER WHO HAPPENS TO SKATE!!"
"Kei i get that your mad at me, but i dont know what to do" Shane said troughing his arms out, his own voice rassing a little bit "I DIDNT WRITE THOES ARTICAL'S!! WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO??"
"I WANT YOU TO LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!!" Kei yelled back at him. Guessed that anger had to come out at some time. "JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!"
"FINE!!" Shane yelled back as he turned around and began skating into the side again. Kei stood in the middel of the lake. He watched what looked like his mother and brother arguing at the edge of the lake.
Kei spun around and plugged his headphone back in. He tried to ignore the feeling of a deep pit in his stomac. Like a sinking endless whole in his stomac. It hurts in his chest, like a sharp pain.
But he ignores it. He ignores everything but the anger. The anger that lay under his skin. Nothing but anger, just nothing but anger. He spins and does his routine until it turnes dark outside. Until his hands turn into ice. Then he put on gloves, and kept going.
By the time he walked in there was cold dinner on the kitchen tabel. Pasta with pesto, and chiken. His parents are in the living room, watching something on TV. Kei grabs the pasta and troughs it in the trash, then takes the trash can out. Puts a new bag in.
Kei knew he should feel something but he was to cold. To tired of everything. And right now, to angry at the world
2017, April
He knew he should visit his brother in the hospital. Should go see him along with his brother.
But him and Shane had not spoken since that fight on the ice a few months ago. Normaly they would text and other stuff. His brother had broken up with his famous girlfriend and had won a few things at the all stars.
Kei himself had done a lot of things. He had gotten drunk with his friends for the first time. And smoked his first cigarette, with one of his good friends. He had also kissed a girl for the first time. And was dating said girl right now, her name was Amilya.
She was nice, and Kei should like her. And while he did like her, he would also find himself looking at men a few times. And he would also see how Amilya seemed to dislike when they kissed any further then just a peck. He should probley talk to her about it.
Anyway, he was laying in his bed right now staring at the celling. Amilya was sitting in the middel of his floor, looking trough one of his baby picture books. "Is this your brother?"
Kei looked down at the picture that Amilya was pointing at. "Yeah i think that was his birthday after i was born. He would be turning 10 years old, i was around 5 months"
"You dont talk alot about him" Amilya said unrapping a pice of chokolate "How is he? Is he cool, like i dont know how he is in the media?"
Kei had no idea how to answer that. He snapped a pice of the chokolate bar, poping it into his mouth "I guess. I think he is like really boring tho." He finish chewing the pice of chokolate. When Kei looks at Amilya he knows he need to ask her about it. About how he had seen her kissing some girl in an empty classroom last week.
"Amilya, there is something i need to talk to you about" Kei says as he stands up and drop to the floor across from Amilya. She raises her eyebrow at him and Kei goes on "I ehm last week i saw you in an empty classroom"
"I dont ehm understand what you mean" Amilya said but Kei could hear the panic in her voice.
Kei reached over and took her hand, and gave her a small smile. "Please i dont care Amilya. It doesnt matter to me at all. I think i might even be like bisexual"
They sit there sharing story's about how they figured it out and what to do know. They agree to break up, but stay friends. Amilya is not ready to come out to his parent's yet, or maybe even ever. They have made their feeling about the LGBTQIA very clear. And not in a good way.
About 30 minuttes after Kei sends Amilya home with her father, the door opens again "KEI, WE ARE HOME! SHANE IS WITH US!!"
Kei turns to the front door. There is his mom, dad and brother. His parents look like they have not slept in a few days. But Shane looks even worse.
His arm is in a sling, and he has some brusing on his face. "Kei" His brother said, but Kei just turns on his heel hurying up the stairs. He knew he should forgive his brother.
That time had gone by and that they should be over it. But Kei cant get himself to face Shane. He is half just mostly to angry with himself. Not angry with Shane anymore, more just angry with himself.
Kei spends the time that his brother spends at home, only downstairs at meals. He has found himself eating less and less. He can see it in the mirror when he looks at himself. But his coach says he looks better then ever. Judges like how he look, and he keeps going. The media even loves how he looks, so why should he stop starving himself?
Yeah, Kei Hollander truly is just a sad and angry figur skater.