Chapter Text
When I die and they have to bury me
I want it to be with one of your photographs
So I'm not afraid to be down there
So I don't forget what your face looks like
To imagine I'm with you
And feel a little alive
-.-.-.-.
It started at the end of summer, during that period of transition when it was still warm outside, but the air was already starting to cool down, when the leaves of the trees were just starting to change colors. The signs that marked the end of a season and the start of another.
It was poetic, in a way.
At least that was what one Shindou Hikaru thought when he stopped by the park on his way to work. He stood in the shadows of one of the trees, quietly admiring the way the light shone through the leaves that were already halfway to be painted the colors of autumn.
It wasn't as flashy as the blooming of cherry blossoms, but Hikaru thought that it was beautiful anyway.
This way of thinking was out of character for him. Hikaru wasn’t the kind of man to think about romanticism, or the beauty of nature. He wouldn't usually pay attention to something so common as the change of seasons, too consumed by work and adult problems to look around for things to admire.
But that day was different.
That day Hikaru had woken up with the intense feeling of impending doom coiling in his stomach.
There was no way of knowing, Hikaru couldn’t see the future, but he knew in his bones that he was going to die that day. He knew it with the same confidence one knew their own name.
It would happen, and there was nothing he could do about it.
But oddly enough, Hikaru wasn’t scared. He wasn’t afraid of dying, and instead felt strangely at peace.
Maybe he should have been more worried about the realization of his impending death, but if he was honest with himself (something that he rarely was) he was surprised and vaguely amused that he had lasted as long as he did.
In his youth there was a period of time when Hikaru was convinced that he wouldn’t live past 25. He lived fast, partied a lot, committed a lot of mistakes, broke a lot of hearts (his own included), did things that he still regretted to this day, lost people in many different ways.
But time passed and he had lived. Now at 40 years old, Hikaru felt like he had done (almost) everything he wanted to do in life.
(A lifetime of regrets lived in the word “almost”).
If he was meant to die that day, so be it. The world would continue spinning anyway. He had given the world everything he had already.
Hikaru had spent his life making sure that the memory of someone dear to him wasn’t forgotten. If thanks to his efforts, he could be sure that Sai’s Go would still be remembered, that his beautiful playstyle would remain even after Hikaru himself was gone, then it would be enough for him.
So, he didn't worry, didn't panic, didn't go to the hospital and didn't tell anyone about his condition.
Hikaru loathed goodbyes,and he was still selfish enough to intend to go out the way he preferred to. On his own.
One of the leaves fell from one of the canopies of the trees, one of the first of the season, and Hikaru caught it mid air. What was left was to enjoy his day, and see what would happen once it ended.
The man stood in the shadows of the tree, feeling the wind in his hair while he twirled the leaf in between his fingers. He wondered if he should say fuck it and just ditch work, but after a minute he decided against it. He was going to spend the rest of the day doing something that he loved, and Go hadn’t been his life for the past 30 years for nothing.
Hikaru twirled the leaf once again before saving it in his shirt pocket. Besides, he thought with a sad smile, he was going to play against Akira that day. It would be nice to see him.
Everything was going to be okay, he thought as he walked to the association.
His heart had grown a little bigger that morning.
-.-.-.-.
Hikaru played a magnificent game that day. He had put all his experience and passion in each and every one of his moves, successfully cornering his opponent and claiming a victory with four and half moku.
Hikaru was satisfied. Even after so many years, there was nothing that made him feel more alive than a good game, especially when it was against his lifelong rival.
Yes, this was an appropriate final game between the two of them.
He was thinking that when Akira approached him. This in itself was unusual. They didn’t talk much these days, it had been a long time since they had called each other ‘friends’, back when they were still young.
It felt like it had been even longer since they considered each other more than friends.
But Hikaru wasn't going to complain.
It seemed that all the years of knowing each other had given Akira a sixth sense when it came to him, because the first thing he did was to ask if he was okay.
“You look pale” were the exact words.
Hikaru was impressed, no other people had noticed, Hikaru included.
He laughed and lied through his teeth.
“I’m fine, I just forgot to have breakfast this morning”
Akira didn’t seem to believe him, and Hikaru was quick to change the subject to the game they just had, baiting Akira for a fight like the ones they used to have when they were teens.
Akira didn’t fall for it however, narrowing his eyes as if he could sense Hikaru’s lies, but couldn’t figure out the reason behind them. Hikaru just shrugged, and offered him the leaf he still had in his pocket.
“A memento” Hikaru had called it when Akira questioned him for picking up trash. Akira scoffed and told him that he was still too young to be thinking about mementos.
“Don’t be dramatic. You are not going to die on me, Shindou."
Shindou, not Hikaru. It hadn’t been Hikaru for a long time.
He thought he had gotten over it. He supposed that the circumstances had made him nostalgic.
Hikaru smiled and stuck the leaf in Akira’s hair, getting a confused grunt in response.
“Don’t throw it out” was all he said in response to Akira’s confused and outraged questions, before walking out.
This wasn't closure, but it felt like something similar, and it was enough for him. He hoped that it would be enough for Akira too.
Hikaru’s heart felt a little fuller after that.
-.-.-.-.
The rest of the day passed quickly and without much fanfare, much to Hikaru’s disappointment. He had tried to squeeze in as many games as he could,each of them leaving him with a growing sense of urgency.
Hikaru could feel the time running out, just like water being poured from a glass.
Not for the first time, he felt just how he imagined Sai must have felt, once. Feeling the control over his own life slipping through his fingers.
Hikaru was okay with dying, but the thought of not being able to play ever again after that day terrified him.
He also wanted to spend a thousand years playing Go. What Hikaru was, was the Go he played. He was insane,and he didn't care that he was.
Hikaru wanted to believe that maybe he would have another opportunity to play, in the world that came after this one.
Hikaru wondered if he would see Sai there, he hoped so.
-.-.-.-.
Time went on, work ended and HIkaru went drinking with his friends and coworkers, in a tradition that had started the second he had been old enough to drink.
However, instead of getting drunk like he often did, he spent the night enjoying the company of others, sharing stories and reminiscing about the good old times. He was teased for it, asked why he was acting like an old man.
Hikaru just smiled and said nothing.
His heart was full and it felt heavy inside his chest.
-.-.-.-.
By the time he said his goodbyes, it was already close to midnight. Time really flew when one was having fun, huh?
He hadn’t been in the mood for a taxi so he walked alone through the streets, enjoying the cold night. It was a shame that he wouldn’t be there to witness the first snow of the year.
With each step he took, the feeling of dread that he had carried the entire day grew a little more, with his heart feeling heavier and heavier, to the point that it hurt.
At some point he had to lean on a wall, breathing heavily. Cold sweat was starting to form in his temples, and he was starting to get dizzy.
Was it much to ask for a painless death? Hikaru thought to himself while he forced himself to stand up again and continue walking.
His apartment building was close, he didn't want to drop dead in the middle of the street, at the very least he wanted to be at home when it happened.
The next minutes passed in a blur, the only thing he knew was that he had managed to get to the right building, climb into the elevator and get into the correct floor, all while experiencing the unnatural feeling of his heart wanting to explode inside his ribcage. Maybe it would, in the next few minutes.
With strength that he didn’t know he possessed, Hikaru managed to open the door of his apartment and get inside, just to collapse the second he closed the door behind him.
Hikaru sat on the floor, leaning on the nearest wall, when he realized that there were things he never said. He was about to die, and was about to add another regret to his last moments?
With great difficulty he reached for his phone.
HIkaru started to cough, spitting out something on the floor. It didn't matter, he was running out of time.
He opened his messages and sent a last one, because even at the end, he was a selfish man.
Hikaru coughed again, covering his mouth with his hand. When he looked down to it, there was something resting in his palm.
It was a Go stone.
Before Hikaru could even question it, he was hit with another coughing fit, and he spit out another stone into the floor.
And then other.
And then another.
With each and every one of them, a little bit of strength went with it, and Hikaru soon collapsed on the floor.
His last coherent thought was wondering if Akira had saved the leaf for him. He hoped so.
-.-.-.-.
The reasons why such a young player died so suddenly were never clear, but rumors began to circulate that his love for Go had been so intense, that his heart had been filled with it until it could bear no more. It was said that his mother had received those Go stones along with his ashes and kept them beside her son's urn, unwilling to separate him from the love of his life, even though it was what had ultimately killed him.
-.-.-.-.
Meanwhile, in another time, in another place, Shindou Hikaru woke up with a terrible headache and the sweet fragrance of wisteria in his nose, after dreaming of his own death.
-.-.-.-.
New message from: Shindou Hikaru.
I’m sorry if I made you suffer, but this time it was not in my hands. I wish we had more time.
Goodbye.
I love you.