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March 15
Master Beldaruit told me that I should keep a journal to “process my thoughts and emotions”. I don’t see how this is supposed to help but I’ll do it just to get him off my back. He seems pushy.
March 20
Master Beldaruit found my journal and pestered me about writing in it more…this should be enough.
April 13
…people have been talking about me. They think I can’t hear them but I can. As if they were right in my ear. Bunch of loudmouths. I don’t care what they have to say about me. Better them than the sound of that rain…
April 20
There’s this kid. We met after, um…Well he told me his name but I don’t remember it. It’s not like I need it anyway, we’re not friends. I don’t want to be his friend. I don’t need anyone.
May 30
Master Bel thinks that kid and I are friends now. We’re not. We just run into each other a lot. It’s a small place down here you know! I just want him to go away and leave me alone. I’m not someone he would want to be around anyway. I deserve to be alone.
June 10
That kid is so stupid. He followed me outside after I lied to him and took his map. Why would he do that? He even got hurt out there because of me. He’s too nice for his own good. Too nice to someone as empty as me. But maybe…I don’t know.
…his name is Olruggio.
August 29, year 1 in the great hall
Olruggio and I have been spending a lot of time together since our incident outside. He tells me that I don’t have to lie to him and that we’re friends and I…I guess we are. We’ve been doing a lot of walking around the hall exploring and sitting in the library learning about magic together, but mostly we’ve just been talking. About everything. He told me about his family, what he used to do for fun in his hometown, and what caused his move to the great hall. I’ve never thought about whether other people are in pain like me. I’ve only ever thought people to be what they say about me, simply hateful people who say whatever comes to mind. I guess I was wrong. Olruggio taught me that. I like talking to him.
November 8, year 1 in the great hall
There’s a new apprentice from the outside. It isn’t very often you see a new face down here, so Olly and I being the only other newcomers her age she quickly gravitated toward us. Well, mostly to Olly. Though to be fair everyone tends to gravitate toward Olly. I can see why, he’s just so…Well I expected the usual, I’d sit quietly to the side until Olly was done talking. I searched for the closest bench to sit down for a probably longer than average conversation based on her explosive personality but before I could even find a place to settle down I heard her ask “what’s your name?” I was confused since she had already asked for Olly’s name, so I turned around and saw that she was looking at me. She asked for my name as if I was just some normal kid. She was…nice to me. I’ve become more accustomed to kindness over the past few months but it still feels uncomfortable. She said her name was Alaira then sort of talked at me for a little while until she was called away by her master. I was sort of stunned by the whole encounter and couldn’t really process any new information for a while, so Olly ended up walking me back to my room. Maybe someday I’ll be able to accept the kindness she and so many have offered me. But to do that I need to know who I am.
February 13, year 2 in the great hall
Olly and I have been sneaking up to the surface more often recently in search of the brimmed caps and my memories now that we have more magic under our belts. It’s been cold and miserable but it’s worth it. I can’t wait, I need answers. And as long as Olly is still Olly, neither can he. Without him I would surely freeze out there, and more than that I would have never known that there was so much more to see than the bottom of the ocean if he hadn’t shown me. It’s been exhilarating. We’ve seen and learned so much already and I can feel us inching toward the truth of my past, together.
June 26, year 2 in the great hall
Olly, Alaira, and I got caught trying to sneak to the surface today…Alaira is a bit too loud when she’s excited. I guess she’s not the sneaky type.
July 10, year 2 in the great hall
I called master Bel “dad” today. Stupid.
September 19, year 2 in the great hall
Olly and I are taking the second test together tomorrow. I can’t believe we’ve made it so far. I can’t believe I’ve made it so far. Master Bel asked me today if I was feeling nervous, but how could I be? I’m going to become one of the greatest witches there’s ever been, and Olly believes in me. He believes in me. He says we’ll pass together tomorrow, and that we’ll be one step closer to finding the brimmed caps and everything they stole from me. I’m ready.
September 20, year 2 in the great hall
We passed. One step closer.
February 5, year 3 in the great hall
What an asshole. He always is, but today he really reinforced this well-deserved title. Olly and I were in the library today to find a certain spell to fend off scale wolves that gather in the area our next lead has brought us to. We really don’t want a repeat of being nearly killed by lion goats during our first outing. While Olly’s smoke and light spell was quite effective in driving them off we can’t keep it active while trying to search at the same time. Besides who knows if that would even work on the scale wolves. We had finally found the beast warding spell we needed to drive them off but, of course, that’s when Easthies had to show up. He saw what we were doing and the spell we had found and quickly connected the dots. He knows of our rebellious reputation. Everyone does. He snatched the book right out of my hands before we had the chance to memorize the spell and lectured us about “the grave importance of the pentacle of proving and the limits within which we are allowed to act” and that since we had not passed the third test we had no business going to the surface. But he doesn’t know shit about me and my business with the surface. He ran off to tell his master before we could stop him with some sort of bribe (not that the “ever-honorable” Easthies would take a bribe) and once Vinanna the wise knew what we were doing it was all over. She told both of our masters what spell we were after and what she rightfully assumed our goal to be and of course the book was immediately far out of our reach and our mission even farther. Asshole.
June 17, year 3 in the great hall
Olly and I went out for another hunt last night. We’ve never been close to finding any trace of the brimmed caps, just chasing rumors and dead ends. But this time we found something. Something big. This time we visited the forest of Thristas, the place it all started. Where they stole my past. I don’t even know what we were even trying to find, it just seemed like if we were going to find any kind of lead, it would be there. We decided to venture past the tree line, something we’ve been close to breaching many times before but never could build up the courage. When we walked in, the first thing we noticed was the stillness. Air so stale it felt like one breath would stop my lungs from ever exhaling again. I refused to turn back, so I forced the lifeless air through my chest, in and out. Then we were left only with the darkness of the forest. It was dark, not only from the lack of sunlight, but from the deep black of the dark canopy and twisted branches blocking our path. The kind of dark you find yourself lost in during a nightmare, that extends as far as you can see no matter how far you run. An inescapable abyss. But we kept going. We didn’t find anything for a long time, but we eventually came to a tree that…I don’t know how to describe it. There wasn’t anything special about it, It looked like every other tree we had pushed our way past for the last two hours. But it was like I was being pulled to it. Something inside me, something beneath my skin, was reaching out, trying desperately to reunite itself with the thing from which it should never have been severed. It was terrifying. It was painful. We didn’t see anything at first, but as we dug around the fallen ink black leaves and dirt at the base of the tree we found it. It was just a small piece of paper, the corner ripped off a larger piece on which something important had been written. All that was left on the scrap was the barely legible letters “-iment”. Experiment. We know that the brimmed caps are after the magic of old and want to bring it back into use, but this makes it seem like they’re after something new. Maybe even something that has to do with what they did to me. We also learned through rumors that the brimmed caps labor to carefully dispose of all their writings with magic so as to not leave a copy in the tower of tomes, but as far as we know it only works if the spell is cast on the full document. Those idiots left a scrap behind and a vital clue as to what their plans are and, hopefully, even where they hide themselves. Our next stop is the tower of tomes. As soon as Olly and I pass the third test we’ll be able to enter. We’re so close. I know that by writing this all down I am just as foolish as those brimmed caps, but I have to. In case something…in case something bad happens. I need master Bel to know what we’ve found and how important this mission is. How important…he is. To me. I only hope this is all worth it.
December 3, year 3 in the great hall
When master Bel gave me this journal and told me it would help me process my thoughts and emotions I thought he was crazy. But I have found that when they become too much, writing them down, it does help. All that to say, I’m having a…new feeling. I’m not sure what it is or how to describe it. It’s been almost three years since I came to the great hall and met Olly. He’s always been by my side and I’ve been grateful for him almost as long as he’s been there, but something has changed. Not with him, but with me. It’s still the same, but different somehow? It’s like, I get nervous around him all of a sudden. Even though I’ve known him for all the life I remember. Well it’s not quite nerves, I guess…like my stomach starts to hurt and my chest feels like it might explode, but in a good way? I don’t know. This doesn’t make any sense. Nevermind.
December 17, year 3 in the great hall
I was talking to Alaira today and I sort of mentioned something about my “new feeling”…I didn’t really even want to talk about it but in classic Alaira fashion she was immediately fixated on it. She questioned me for a while and I guess apparently, according to her, I have a “crush”? I’m still not totally sure what it means. She tried to explain it but she was talking so fast and high-pitched she sounded more like a small animal than human. She ran away before I could get more clarification so I guess we’ll just talk tomorrow. Then I can find out what this “crush” thing is.
December 18, year 3 in the great hall
DAMN IT ALAIRA. I was in the cafeteria today with Olly when suddenly a pack of giggling and whispering girls appeared next to me. None of them said anything at first so I asked what they wanted and the girl in the front, I think her name was Maialene? Maybe Mariline? I don’t remember. She said “Alaira told us you have a crush on someone, and we want to know…who is it?” Based on their giggling and Olly nearly dying by seaweed-asphyxiation I guessed it was something rather important and something I did NOT want all the girls our age gossiping about. I didn’t really know what to say so I just…well I don’t really remember what I did. Olly somehow got them to scatter eventually and then I found myself sat across from a suddenly very red-faced Olruggio. After a stretch of silence I finally asked him what a “crush” is, but it seemed he also had a hard time breaching the subject. I tried to get him to spit it out like he eventually did the seaweed that almost killed him a couple minutes prior, but he was just as nervous as the girls from before and couldn’t seem to form coherent sentences anymore. I just want someone to tell me what this damn “crush” thing is but no one will! Maybe I’ll have to go to lord Bel for this one since apparently everybody is too scared to talk about it. Should I be scared?
December 20, year 3 in the great hall
I talked to master Beldaruit about “crushes” today. Alaira has an earful waiting for her for not telling me herself and forcing me into that unbearable conversation. But I think I understand. He said that a crush is when you like a person more than just a friend. It’s when you get “butterflies” in your stomach and you feel a bursting excitement in your heart whenever they’re near. I wasn’t sure about everything he said but some of it seemed familiar…I guess, they sort of seem like the things I feel when I’m with Olly. When we’re in the cafeteria sharing our new spells. When we sit in the light of one of his pyreballs and he offers his shoulder to rest my head. When he tells me he believes in me when I most need it. When I’m just…near him. I understand why everyone was so nervous to tell me. I’m nervous too.
August 11, year 4 in the great hall
Tomorrow is the day of the third test. Once we pass we can finally challenge the tower of tomes and find the rest of the document about the brimmed cap’s experiment. We kept hunting after finding the scrap in Thristas but we haven’t found anything substantial since. It’s been disheartening but Olly has kept me going. Olly…I’m so grateful for him. For everything he’s done for me and his dazzling kindness. I don’t know who I was in the past, but I can’t help but fear that when I find out, when I learn who I was, he won't want to be by my side anymore. He’ll learn who I was and decide I’m not worthy of his kindness. But this is Olly we’re talking about. He’d be kind to a rock. But…a rock doesn’t have a dark terrible past, does it? It’s never done anything to be unworthy of love. Of Olly’s love.
No matter the outcome, it all comes down to this.
August 12, year 4 in the great hall
We passed. We both passed. I knew we would, I had faith in us both and so did Olly, but I still can’t believe it. It’s within reach. The tower, the place that holds the answers to my past, we can finally enter. Master Bel doesn’t want us to challenge the tower so soon after the test but I can’t wait. I’ve already waited years for answers and now that they’re right in front of me, I can’t just sit when I could simply extend my arm and take them. Tomorrow we challenge the tower and find the truth, and a major lead to help us with our hunt for the brimmed caps. Olly told me that no matter what we find in the tower, he’ll always be by my side. That we’ll always be best friends. I want that too, more than I could ever express, but when I imagine our future together my body rebels against it. It’s uncomfortable, like there’s some living thing writhing beneath my skin, and then comes a sudden searing pain behind my stolen eye almost like a reminder or a warning. I’ve felt this before, many times in fact, but it’s never been so ubiquitous. So painful. I want to stay by his side for the rest of my life, but this feeling scares me. Maybe I don’t deserve him.
August 13, year 4 in the great hall
I remember. I knew it. I can never be saved. I deserve to be alone.
Several years pass…
February 15, year 7 in the great hall
I erased Olly’s memory again yesterday. I’ve violated him like this many times now but it never gets easier. I’m so tired. So tired of chipping pieces off of my best friend, desperately guarding this secret Olly himself built up walls to protect. There are times I want to give up and let the tree take me. I beg him, as the branches slowly close around my face, to let me break our promise. But of course he refuses. And seeing him there, driven to his knees, angry and desperate, with that dazzling kindness I don’t deserve that has nonetheless been there all my life shining brightly in his eyes as he demands that I not give up, demands that I live, how can I refuse? I take the same path back every time, adding to my mess of sins. I will keep this promise as long as I am able, but I’ve never been as strong as Olly has always been.
Another several years pass…
December 6, year 11 in the great hall
Olly and I graduated today. Out in the Naakiwan downs, the construction of our atelier makes steady progress as does the worsening of my condition. Seeing it and our lives come together brings an amount of comfort that has become too difficult for my failing vision and waning strength to contend with. I plan to leave the great hall and travel for a while, without Olly. Though the relief I feel knowing I won’t have to hurt him anymore could prove to be my downfall, I still feel the need to go. At least then I can shoulder all the suffering myself and save him from these selfish hands that have only ever brought him harm. Perhaps I could travel somewhere miserable, somewhere cold and remote. It should hinder the silverwood, at least for a while. But I know eventually I must return to my dear Olruggio, my radiant star. I know now. I know that what I feel for Olly is no “crush” as Alaira put it years ago. I don’t think it was ever a crush. What I feel for him is some kind of pull. An inescapable force that brings us together no matter how far I run. Like the warmth and safety of a fire in the cold of night, thawing the frozen hands of a weary traveler and keeping beasts at bay. Like seeing a pair of scale wolves with their protective scales shaken off and so simply committed to one another there’s no doubt or question whether they belong by the other’s side. He is my guiding torch in the dark, the shining star in my endless night. The one person that gives me comfort, and the one person capable of taking it away. He is the love of my life. I can feel the silver wood clawing its way through my veins even as I write this, an agonizing reminder that I can never tell him. He can never know how much I wish I could simply love him without this wretched magic irretrievably devouring every drop of joy our life together could produce, and how I wish I could take his face in my hands and kiss the soft lips that have spoken countless words of love and support to me over the years, kiss the hands that labor to aid all who cross his path, kiss the chest that radiates with the heat of a beating heart that has only ever cared deeply, to kiss every part of this man that I so painfully love. I sometimes delude myself that this excruciatingly unattainable dream might be enough to keep the silverwood at bay, but I know it’s not. It never will be. Just his presence alone is a comfort beyond what I ever thought possible. I know I’ll have to keep ruining him just to stay alive by his side. For he is where my heart is. He is where I want to be. And that is how I know we can never be what I want us to be.