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1.
Tony couldn't stop throwing up. Every morning that God sent he threw up and sometimes, it was in the evening too. No one knew what was happening until one faithful morning when he thought he was okay, he skipped to the kitchen, hungry as ever then everything changed when the elevator doors opened and the smell of food hit him in the face.
“Good morning, Tony,” Steve chirped in his ever happy voice, “Did you sleep well last night?”
Tony grumbled into the kiss pressed to his lips by his husband. He stopped himself from gagging when another wave of food smell hit him up the nostrils.
“Darling, are you alright?” Steve asked when Tony tore way from Steve and covered his mouth.
“Sure, pudding, I'm fine I was just, um, yawning?” Tony struggled.
Steve raised an eyebrow.
“Sure.”
Steve walked back to the cooker, not at all convinced that Tony was okay. Tony let out a sickly groan and laid his head in his arms that were resting on the counter. A wave of nausea passed through him and he tried his hardest not to gag as Natasha plonked herself down into the seat beside him.
“Good morning, sunflower, you're looking radiant this fine morning.” Natasha deadpanned right before Tony gagged again causing her to look down at him in surprise.
Tony caught her staring, “What? You're sarcasm makes me sick.” Tony joked pathetically.
Natasha was not at all convinced.
“Dude, you'll have me gagging from your terrible jokes.” Clint muttered as he stepped into the kitchen, stretching and rubbing the sleep from his eyes.
“Seconded,” Bucky piped up from his seat atop one of the three washing machines in the large kitchen.
“Thirded!” Sam agreed from beside Bucky on top of the last washing machine.
Bruce just rolled his eyes and continued to read his book.
“Here, drink something, it'll make you feel better.” Steve insisted, holding out a glass of water for Tony to drink.
Tony took the glass from Steve and downed the whole glass in three gulps and felt the nausea subside all together for a moment. He looked up at Steve with a smile and Steve returned it.
“See, I know best!” Steve cheered, bending to kiss Tony.
Tony felt something rise up in his chest when Steve kissed him but it was nothing like he'd ever felt before. It wasn't that feeling of electricity coursing through his veins or that warm feeling of love but-
Oh...
It was vomit.
Tony drew back but he wasn't fast enough. He projectile vomited the water he had just drank all over Steve's face, shirt and finally, his favourite pair of fluffy rabbit socks.
All the kitchen stood still. Steve had stood up straight, eyes wide and face dripping with slimy water and partially dissolved food particles, Natasha had both her hands over her mouth, eyes wide in shock, Sam and Bucky would have started to laugh it Clint hadn't slapped his hands over both their mouths, Bruce looked up from his book, saw what was happening and silently snorted. Tony stood up from his seat, clutching his upset stomach with tears in his eyes.
“Oh my goodness, I'm so so sorry! I-” Tony's face crumpled as as Steve took a few steps backwards, blindly reached for the roll of napkins conveniently placed on the counter.
“It's alright, I'm fine, at least it doesn't smell bad.” Steve said a little stiffly as he dried his face, removed his shirt and socks that were soiled. He looked a little peeved but it wasn't something he couldn't get over. Steve used a different napkin to clean Tony's face of vomit then the floor.
“I'm so sorry, Steve! I didn't mean it! Oh my God, I'm so embarrassed,” Tony whimpered, trying his hardest to hold back the tears.
Steve's stony expression crumbled when he saw how truly upset Tony was.
“Never mind, it's alright, I know you didn't mean it,” Steve chuckled, “Come one, let's have a shower and forget about this,”
Tony nodded and took Steve's extended hand and they started to leave the kitchen.
“Hell no, I am not letting anyone forget that!” Sam laugh.
Steve grabbed a piece of soiled, balled up napkin and threw it directly at Sam's eye.
“Shut the fuck up, Wilson.” Steve said with mock cheerfulness as he and Tony left the room.
2.
“So, I think it's about time I told you all,” Tony looked at his friends worried faces and broke his serious façade, “I'm pregnant!”
Steve was the first one up to hug Tony and swing him around.
“Really? I'm going to be a dad?” Steve asked excitedly
“No, Bucky's the dad.” Tony deadpanned with hooded eyes that basically asked what the fuck do you think?
“Yep, sorry, buddy, but it's the end of the line,” Bucky agreed cheerfully as he wrapped a hand around Tony's shoulders.
Tony rolled his eyes fondly and shoved Bucky away with a hand to the face and Steve wrapped his arms around Tony, blowing a raspberry at Bucky childishly.
“Mine!” Steve said triumphantly.
The other Avengers jumped off the sofa and crowed around Steve and Tony.
“Group hug!” Clint cheered and all the Avengers jumped in, hugging whoever they could and throwing questions at the new parents.
“What are you calling it?” Sam asked.
“Is it a boy or a girl?” Bucky asked.
“Are you stupid, Barnes? They haven't had a scan yet!” Natasha said incredulously, flicking his ear at his stupidity.
“Can I be the godfather?” Rhodey asked.
“No! I want to be the godfather!” Bucky whined.
“Can I teach it archery?” Clint asked hopefully.
“Not a chance.” Both Steve and Tony replied.
“Can I teach it how to bake?” Bruce asked.
“Can-”
PARP.
The whole team stopped dead in their tracks.
“Did someone just fart?” Natasha asked, laughter present in her voice.
“Um, Pregnancy makes you gassy?” Tony replied tentatively.
The team broke away, fleeing before the smell hit them. A chorus of "aw! Gross" "You could have warned us!" "Had to spoil the moment!" and laughter rose up as the team left Tony standing alone in the middle of the room, not even a Steve in sight.
“Now that's how you clear a room!” Tony laughed.
3.
Apparently, the gasses in Tony's body enjoyed escaping at the wrong time because when he was almost finished his speach at the Maria Stark foundation gala, he accidentally passed out the loudest, most disgusting burp know to man that silenced the hall and the only people laughing aloud were his team. All of this was all over the news the next morning and none of them could get enough of it.
“And I'd like to thank you all so much for your support and donations. This foundation would never have raised so much money without you. Thank- BARRRRPPPPPPP!”
“OH MY GOD! I'M WEAK! I CAN'T BREATH!” Bucky howled as he rolled on the floor with Sam, the two of them trying to get up but failing when the other collapsed in hysterics a second later.
“REWIND IT!” Sam gasped, weakly punching Bucky in the shoulder.
Bucky did as he was told, barely having the coordination to carry out such a simple task because he was shaking so hard from laughing.
“Thank- BARRRRPPPPPPP!”
Steve was laughing so hard that he fell sideways and rolled off the sofa and onto the floor.
“AGAIN!” Steve cried.
Bucky obliged.
“Thank- BARRRRPPPPPPP!”
The three grown men all but screamed in high pitched laughter at Tony's slip up at the gala. Tony sat in the sofa with his arms and legs crossed, face twisted and sour, trying his hardest not to be betrayed by the laughter bubbling up in his chest. Natasha entered, plonking down beside Tony with a bowl of popcorn on her lap.
“Rewind it boys,” She ordered.
Bucky did it again and all of them erupted in hysterics once again, this time Natasha included but she didn't go as far as to roll around on the floor. She offered some popcorn to Tony.
“What? Why do you have popcorn,” Tony asked peevishly.
“Well, I always eat popcorn while watching a comedy.” Natasha teased.
Tony rolled his eyes and continued to watch his husband and his friends laugh at one of his most embarrassing TV moments.
4.
“Tony! Can you just listen for a moment? Drinking coffee will hurt the baby!” Steve shouted, taking the coffee cup away from Tony.
Tony screamed in anger and feebly punched Steve in the chest while stamping his feet.
“Why do you always tell me what to do and what not to do? Why are you so controlling, Steve? You're ruining my happiness! Why can't you let me be happy just for one day and let me have my GODDAMNED COFFEE? I'm having cravings, Steve! You don't understand how bad my cravings are and you're ruining everything and I can't take it anymore! You did this to me! You made me pregnant just so you could watch me suffer because you knew I couldn't have coffee and because you're a mean JERK, you want me to suffer! I want my fucking coffee, Steve! I want it! I've had to give up being Ironman and eating fish and sleeping on my belly and cheese and alcohol and sun and exercise! And now I'm fat and horrible and gassy and I'm always hungry but I don't want to eat because I look like a beachwhale and my boobs hurt and my fucking ankles are sore and swollen and I can't sit down properly because it makes my back hurt! And I'm so horny but I don't want you to touch me because it makes my skin tingly and creepy feeling and I'm a hormonal bitch and I know that you want to punch me so I'm really sorry I don't mean to be so horrible but I can't help it!” Tony shouted then sat in the middle of the kitchen and cried, full on sobbed his heart out while the rest of the Avengers stood on shock, watching Tony cry his eyes out. Bucky, surprisingly, went to help him up and sooth him.
“Hey, it's okay, it's alright to have a good cry. Crying is healthy did you know that?” Tony shook his head while still crying, “Yep, my therapist told me that it's alright to have a good long cry one in a while, it helps you flush out the bad energy.” Bucky and Tony left the room slowly, Bucky's arms around Tony, keeping him upright and preventing him from bumping into things due to his tear induced partial blindness.
“You want my coffee?” They heard Bucky ask Tony.
“For fuck sake!” Steve threw up his arms and left the room.
5.
“Don't go in there! Don't go in there! For fuck sake, she went in there! That's why these bitches die in there's motherfucking movies because they are dumb and they want their ass to be killed!” Rhodey yelled at the TV screen, throwing popcorn at it when the girl from the movie went back inside the asylum to find her boyfriend.
Tony shifted and groaned from the cramps he was getting in his lower stomach. He felt the baby moving inside him constantly and he was starting to get worried. Was it normal for his baby to be trying to punch it's way out of his womb? Tony tried to soothe the child by rubbing his hands over his stomach just like what he usually did but this time, It wasn't working. Tony sat up and stretched, maybe that would help the baby.
“Anyone want a popcorn refill?” Clint asked, getting ready to get up.
“I'll do it,” Tony offered, trying to get up which was extremely hard with a massive stomach in the way.
“You sure? You look like you can't get up, no offence.” Clint asked.
“I'm sure, I need to go for a walk anyway, I'm getting achy from sitting in one position for so long,” Tony replied as he finally got up.
“Alright, If you say so,” Clint shrugged, passing his empty bowl to Tony.
Tony collected the other empty bowls and went to the kitchen to get more popcorn. When Tony got back, his cramps were hurting more, the baby felt like it was pushing on an awkward place and his hips were in pain. He passed out the bowls and waddled back to his seat beside Steve. Well, he would have sat in the seat beside Steve if Steve never pulled him into his lap. Tony laid his head on Steve's collarbone and tried to fall asleep to numb the pain. After the movie, he'd go and Google if the pain he was currently going through was normal or if he should worry. He really started to panic when he felt warmth start to travel out of him and onto Steve's lap. He jumped up and started to freak out.
“Jarvis, stop the movie and turn on the lights!” Tony called out much to the disappointment of the other Avengers.
Steve looked down at the huge dark patch on his lap in horror, “Did you just pee on me?”
“Okay, what?” Sam asked.
Bucky popped up his head, looking for the banter.
“No! I thought it was blood!” Tony cried.
“Why on earth would it be blood?” Steve asked incredulously.
“Because I'm having really bad cramps and the baby is moving around and...”
Then it clicked.
“My water broke!” Tony gasped.
“Just now?” Steve squeaked.
“Yes just now! Why the hell do you think your lap's wet and I never peed on you?”
“Oh shit! Your water just broke!”
“That's what I just said.”
“Our baby's coming out!”
“Yes, Steve, that's about right.”
“Fuck! We need to get you to a hospital!”
“That would probably be for the best, Steve.”
+1
“She's beautiful,” Tony whispered weakly, stroking a hand over their newborn baby's soft golden hair.
“She's gorgeous and she has your eyes,” Steve whispered back, kissing Tony's cheek.
“She has your hair,”
“That might change,”
“I don't want it to, I want her to be the perfect mix of you and me,”
“Let's hope for the best,”
Tony kissed his brand new daughter on her nose and she scrunched up her tiny face to sneeze.
“Bless you, Sally Maria Stark-Rogers, my beautiful girl,”