Archive of Our Own ^beta

“And with that, we end this year’s graduation ceremony. Congratulations, graduates.”

Everybody started clapping after that and I was no exception. I couldn’t help the tears running down my face, either, and I had no doubt in my mind that he’d make fun of me for this. “Not even your own graduation and you’re crying like that?” or something like that. Not like there was much I could do about it, anyway. I left the gym that was being used for the ceremony and joined the rest of the team to wait for the now-graduates to finish talking and taking photos with their families.

“You should go, Eijun-kun,” I heard a low voice next to me. I didn’t turn to meet his look, though, cause I knew that even though he said it like a suggestion, it was more of a command, and boy did I know Harucchi could be intimidating when he wanted to.

“He’s with his father. Don’t wanna interrupt them.” I took a deep breath and kept my gaze straight.

“You’ve already met him, there’s nothing to be afraid of.” Of course he’d see right through my bluff. Not that I had become that much better at hiding my thoughts in the past 2 years, but having dated Kazuya for over a year, I expected that I could manage to pull off a little white lie.

“I know. It’s just…Miyuki’s father is…”

“Intimidating as fuck?” I heard a voice right behind me. “Yeah, he freaks me out every once in a while.”

“Kuramochi-senpai! What are you doing here? You’re supposed to be with your parents, taking pictures! Immortalizing this special occasion forever -” He cut me off with a kick in the ass.

“Shut up, Sawamorron!” He scratched the back of his head like he was trying to undo the hairstyle Takashima-san had taken so long to get ready. “Not everybody is as sentimental as you. My folks just congratulated me and asked me how long they’d have to wait for me to be done so we can take my bags to my new home.” He looked down a little bit embarrassed, but he shot me a glare that shut me up before I could utter a sound. “Well, my mom cried a little bit, but I think it’s because she never thought I’d make it through high school.”

“Fear not, Kuramochi-senpai. Neither did us!” I was on the floor with an arm around my neck and my legs almost reaching my head before I could realize what was happening. “Harucchi, don’t laugh! Help me!”

“Don’t bring him into this! You were asking for it!”

“Now, now, Kuramochi-kun. This is exactly why your mother was crying. With all that wrestling, it’s quite a surprise that you weren’t expelled.” He huffed and let me go. “You’re no fun, Miyuki.”

“Well, it’d be a problem if you harmed him now that he’s the captain, don’t you think?” He said as he helped me stand up. He sounded cold and calculating, but the way he was holding me was anything but.

“Tch. It’s not like this team doesn’t know how to function with an injured captain.”

“Ouch. That hurt, Kuramochi-kun. I thought we were over that,” he faked being heartbroken, though I imagine the effect was kinda lost with him still having one of his arms around me.

“As if. Still not forgiving you for that.”

They stared at each other for a while without saying anything, though I suppose that’s the way they had always communicated since they were in their first year.

“Kuramochi-senpai, I think I saw my brother looking for you a couple of minutes ago.” Thank you, Harucchi, for stopping that awkward moment from continuing and for letting me see Kuramochi-senpai that embarrassed one last time.

“Ryou-san’s here?”

“Yeah, I think he went to talk to your parents.”

“Fuck!” Harucchi smirked and turned to us as Kuramochi ran back to his family.

“Congratulations, Miyuki-senpai.” He bowed before leaving us.

“He’s gonna be one hell of a vice-captain. Really knows how to help you out,” he said as he tightened his hold around me. I turned around to face him.

“Did he help me out? How do you say he did that?” He gave me one of those beautiful smiles he saved to when he was with me.

“Cheeky bastard.”

“Learned from the best.” I leaned to kiss him, but he stepped back.

“What…?” I couldn’t finish the question nor close my mouth. I guess my face looked funny to him, cause he started laughing as hard as ever. “What’s so funny, Miyuki Kazuya?”

“You should – hahahaha – you should see your face!” He couldn’t stop laughing and it was starting to get on my nerves. No matter how long we’ve been together, no matter how much I loved him, he still found a way to irritate me. “Come on, don’t be mad, Ei.” I said nothing and turned my head. “Oh, come on. You know I didn’t mean anything by that.” I still kept my mouth shut and my head turned. I heard him sigh and take half a step back. “Fine, if this is what it’ll take. I wanted to do this afterwards, when we could actually be alone and not fearing someone’s gonna come around and see this, but…here you go.”

I saw his hand in front of me holding a round thing. I looked at him and saw him red to the top of his ears and mumbling something I couldn’t quite catch.

“What’s that?” He looked up like I had grown a second head or something.

“You serious right now?” I didn’t look away, waiting for him to clarify. He sighed again and rubbed his face with the hand that wasn’t still holding whatever that was. “Anyone would think that after spending all that time reading shoujo manga, you of all people would know what that is.” I tried to think back to every single story I’d read but nothing was coming to my mind. “Don’t think too hard or you’ll strain something.”

“Kazuya, you bas-”

“It’s a button,” he said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“I can see it’s a button, but why the hell would you…?” And I had to stop right there because suddenly it hit me. “Oh.” All of a sudden, I didn’t know what to say, which many people would say wasn’t even possible.

“Yeah, oh. Now are you gonna take it or are you gonna make me look more of an idiot for holding it up for this long?” I grabbed it as fast as I could and, probably, with a little more force than was strictly necessary and as soon as I had it in my hand a realization hit me like a truck.

“You really are leaving, aren’t you?” I didn’t mean to make it sound as depressing as I did, but I couldn’t help it.

He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me towards his chest. He leaned his chin on my shoulder and simply stayed like that for a couple of seconds. It was always nice when we had moments like this – when I wasn’t as loud as usual and he wasn’t as much of a dick as usual.

“Nothing’s gonna change between us. I promise.” I wanted to laugh at that because he knew as well as I did that that was a big fat lie.

“Yes, it is,” I whispered against the fabric of his blazer. He pulled me tighter before moving his hand up and down my back.

“Yeah, I guess it is.” He coughed a laugh. “We got pretty lucky that we met in Seido, though. People really don’t give a shit about us.”

“That’s not true. We were all really worried when you were hurt.”

I felt more than heard his laughter. “How did I get lucky enough to date you?”

“I don’t know. You tell me.”

He pulled himself away just enough so I could see his face before he leaned forward and kissed me. It sorta reminded me of our first kiss. It was soft, and calm, and innocent and so full of love and doubts. However, it couldn’t have been more different than our first kiss over a year ago. Back then, I had been the one who had started the kiss. Back then, I was scared of how he’d react. Back then, my biggest fear was whether he was gonna push me away or not and whether my little stunt was gonna affect our battery or not. Right now, he had been the one to start the kiss. Right now, we were both scared of what was gonna happen once he wasn’t in Seido and we’d have to be more discreet about our relationship. Right now, our biggest fear was how we were gonna make everything work out. He pulled back and rested his forehead on mine.

“We’re gonna be fine,” he whispered, and I couldn’t tell if he was trying to convince me or himself. “My dad wanted to see you.” I groaned and pulled back. “That was the whole reason I came here, actually.”

“You could be a little nicer and lie and say you’d come to rescue me from Kuramochi-senpai.”

“You know I’d never lie to you.” He tugged me by the hands. “Come on, he loves you. You have nothing to be nervous about.”

“Who do you think you got your crazy captain-ish aura from, you bastard?”

He chuckled and pulled me towards the bleachers. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

After that, everything was a blur. I remember stuttering while speaking to Kazuya’s father and how he, as his son, kept telling me to relax. I remember walking with them to Kazuya’s dorm for the past couple of months and helping them with the bags. I remember Kazuya’s father telling me I didn’t have to because he was used to carrying weight and saying it wasn’t a problem for me either. I remember one last kiss next to his car and, before I knew what was happening, I was following a gray car with my eyes as it drove away from me. Next thing I knew, I was having dinner and going back to bed.

I didn’t have time to feel lost. In less than two weeks, the new freshmen were arriving. I had to make sure that everything was ready, that the team looked as good and admirable as it had with Yuuki and with Kazuya. I had to look through their profiles and analyze everybody’s strengths and weaknesses so I could discuss them with Harucchi so that we could prepare them as best as we could for the winter training camp. I had no idea how Kazuya had managed to pull it off, but I wasn’t sure I was gonna be able to fill his shoes. He’d told me he trusted me and that he’d had no doubt in his mind that I’d do a good job when he had proposed me for captain, but I wasn’t sure I was fit for it.

Those two weeks were by far the longest ones in my life. I woke up in the morning, then went for a run, then got changed for breakfast, then morning practice, then lunch, then revise the newcomers’ data, then afternoon practice, then shower, then sleep and repeat. The only thing that kept me sane was the small messages I could exchange with Kazuya. It was the only thing that wasn’t part of the routine and it was enough to help me sleep. He knew what I was going through. He said he had been in my shoes and understood completely what I was feeling, but I couldn’t remember seeing him the way I was feeling.

In one of our short conversations, we had exchanged schedules and had decided we’d meet on the second weekend after classes had started. I kept counting down the days until I took the train to downtown Tokyo to meet up with him. It felt like we had just said goodbye the previous day, but at the same time, it felt like we hadn’t seen each other in forever. After living in the same building and seeing each other every day for two years, every day without him to lean on was harder than the one before.

If I’d thought things had been complicated during those two weeks of summer break, it was only because I hadn’t known what it felt to be the captain of a new bunch of freshmen who were looking up to me. Kazuya had once told me one of the reasons he’d suggested I was the best suited to be captain was because I was a natural at it, reminding me of my game as a freshman against the upperclassmen and that I already had experience as captain. I’d thanked him at the time for the compliments, which were extremely rare to get from him, even if we were dating, but deep down I still had my doubts about the whole thing. Yes, I had made the group of freshmen want to keep playing, even if it was only because they wanted to shut me up, but it was only because I was a careless brat who only thought about pitching and I hadn’t been able to pitch in a while. And while I may have had some experience being captain, but it was only with a small team in the small city of Nagano, nothing like the big, prestigious team of the big city of Tokyo that was Seido.

I hadn’t managed to remember half of the new members’ names when classes started and people who hadn’t thought about trying out for the team decided to give it a shot. Not to mention that since it was my last year of high school, teachers hadn’t even started soft – they had started the year giving us tons of homework. They said we’d thank them when we sat for entrance exams, but I couldn’t see that happening.

Just a couple more days, I kept telling myself. Just a couple more days and I’ll be with Kazuya in his university dorm room and everything will be fine.

“Are you okay, Eijun-kun?” Harucchi looked serious for a moment and I felt bad for making him worry and, more importantly, for spacing out during a meeting. “We can talk about this another time, it’s not that important. And if you’re tired…” I nodded to stop him.

“I’m okay, Harucchi. Don’t worry about it. What were you saying?”

“I was just talking about Takanashi-kun. He has a great shoulder and he’s got a lot of potential at bat, but I was thinking about talking to coach about shifting him to third base. What do you think?”

I stayed silent and my mind went completely blank at that one question. He looked at me and I could almost feel how he saw right through my every attempt at keeping a poker face, or at very least a calm expression. He was talking about Takanashi-kun. The name certainly rang a bell, but I couldn’t match the name to a face, let alone to a set of skills and weaknesses and the wanted position. I was trying hard to think to the folder full of notes Takashima-san had given us. Not only that, but I also tried to remember my own notebooks filled with the information provided from us plus some notes I had added after the first couple of days. Still, I ended up with nothing. No face, no data, no anything but the name Harucchi had given me and the fact that he was obviously not a third baseman.

“It’s okay if you don’t remember all the names yet, Eijun-kun. We’ve only known them for a week, after all,” he tried to comfort me, but I shook his hand off my shoulder as soon as I felt it there.

“No, Harucchi. We’ve already known them for a full week; I should at least know their names.” I could feel my nails digging in my skin from how hard I was tightening them in fist on my lap.

“You’ve got me for something. If you could do everything by yourself, I would be left without a job, wouldn’t I?” I released a soft breath I had been holding for a while.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” I relaxed my hands and focused on my breathing for a couple of seconds before focusing back on the topic at hand. “So, Takanashi-kun, right? Who was him, again?”

He almost smiled before going back to his notes. “He’s a pitcher from…” I felt bad for tuning him out after that, but everything sounded like blurs and all I could think about at the moment is how much I really needed to get to bed, even if I knew I’d only lie awake with my eyes open until 1 or 2 AM.

By the time I got on the train to downtown Tokyo, I had bigger and deeper bags under my eyes than I had ever had in my life. I was finding it hard to focus on anything, especially during class, which meant I had to put a lot more effort at night when doing my homework. I was aware of Kanemaru trying hard to keep himself from commenting on it, and I was extremely grateful to him for not mentioning it even once. I was pretty sure the only reason he held his tongue was because he thought I just needed some time to adjust to being captain while keeping up with schoolwork, which had never been easy to me anyway, so I’d probably get back in track by myself.

I was just hoping Miyuki would overlook it, just like everybody else had. Having taken the train as soon as Saturday practice was over, not even staying for lunch, was probably not helping either.

I got off the train and went out the station and I almost started crying right there and then when I saw him standing there, waiting for me. I nearly dropped my bag with a change of clothes as I ran to meet him and hug him. I wanted to kiss him as well, but I held back because I knew he wasn’t a big fan of PDA. It felt so good to finally have him in my arms and to be in his once again. We had been apart for barely over a month, but I had missed him every second of it.

“Welcome home,” I heard him murmur against my shoulder.

“Yeah, I’m back.” I hugged him tighter. “I’m back.”

I don’t know how long we stayed like that. I wasn’t quite sure I cared about it. I could’ve stayed like that for the entire weekend and I probably wouldn’t have minded. But we were in the middle of the street on a weekend afternoon and there were people walking by, so Kazuya slowly let me go and coughed to try and hide his expressions.

“We should probably get going – considering the time you took the train, I take it you haven’t eaten anything yet.” I wanted to deny it, but my stomach wasn’t taking it. He laughed at whatever expression I had on my face before speaking again. “Come on, we’re not too far away and I have some food I prepared in case this happened.”

I followed him as he started walking down the street. I asked him about his new college life and his new college team, and he told me the classes weren’t as hard as he thought it was gonna be. He told me he didn’t think he’d make it to first string this year, which was clearly a first for a genius catcher like him, but he said he was enjoying the challenge of having to actually work for the spot of starting catcher for once. He also said he missed having to deal with crazy pitches that not even he could predict if they were gonna go where he had placed his mitt. I knew he was expecting a reaction out of that comment. Every fiber in my body knew I was supposed to react to that comment. That I should call him a bastard and every other insult there was and yell at him for being such a lame excuse of a boyfriend and not having appreciated me when he had the chance at Seido. I knew it and, still, I stayed silent, trying hard not to start crying in the middle of the street because I had missed this so much for the past month.

He stayed quiet for a while, waiting for my burst that never came. And then he went back to talking about his baseball team and how I was really gonna hit it off with most of them because they were as much of a baseball idiot as I was. He didn’t wait for me to correct him and tell him that he was also a baseball idiot, but he did look at me like he was half expecting me to say something along those lines.

We got to his apartment and he told me to sit down on the couch and he’d bring the food as soon as it was heated up. I was about to argue and say I could help, but he mentioned that one time I had burned a pan in home economics and I had to shut my mouth and do as I was told. I went to sit down, expecting to see a hell of a messy living room, only to find it was as clean and tidy as could be, which shouldn’t have been that big of a surprise considering his dorm room at Seido was always spotless, except for the morning after the team gatherings. I sat down and waited for the food to be ready. Meanwhile, I took the time to look around. It was all neat and organized, but there was more to it than that. It took me a while to put my finger in it, but I finally figured it out.

“What are you thinking about? I thought you came here to relax,” he said, handing me a tray with a bowl full of homemade miso soup, another one filled to the brim with rice, a glass of water and some chopsticks. I thanked him as I took it from his hands and stared blankly at some point in front of me as I started to eat. I heard him say his thanks and start eating. I couldn’t speak while I ate. It was weird, but it was the first time in days, maybe even weeks, that I could actually taste what I was eating. It was such a weird feeling, to finally eat and actually enjoy it and not simply eat it because I had to. It was crazy to think I had become so numb that I had started to eat on auto-pilot – only thinking of it as a way to get enough nutrients not to faint during practice. I hadn’t even realized that was happening until now. I hadn’t noticed that I might as well have been eating cardboard for the past days or weeks until I tasted it again – until I could tell the difference between the rice and the onions and the tofu in the soup. I could feel the tears streaming down my face, but I didn’t sob, so I considered it a victory. We finished eating in silence and I thanked him for the food and went back to stare at nothing.

“It’s so bare,” was all that left my mouth, but he understood it perfectly.

“What were you expecting? Piles of dirty laundry on the floor?” He laughed and took the tray from my lap to leave it on the floor. “That may be how you live, but I don’t think I could live in such a mess.” He stood up and pulled me to my feet. “Come on, you look like a dead panda. Let’s nap for a while and then you can ask me to catch as many of your crazy pitches as you want.”

He was smiling and trying to sound like it was no big deal, but after spending so much time together, he couldn’t fool me – he was worried about me and he was leaving no room for me to argue. We were going to nap for a while and he was going to make sure I didn’t just lay down with my eyes open. Not that he had to do much work if that was his plan – as soon as he lay down next to me, I was out like a light.

When I woke up, he was reading a book and the sun was already setting.

“You really needed that nap, huh?”

“Training camp is right around the corner.” He laughed at that and put his book down. He leaned down and joined our lips in a kiss and, while I couldn’t have been happier than I was at that moment, I also couldn’t shake a thought out of my head. We had less than 48 hours together and I had already spent more than 5 of those hours either crying over food or sleeping. And even though I really needed to sleep and, granted, that was by far the best hours of sleep I had gotten in the past month, what would happen now? Would I go back to not being able to sleep once I was back in the dorms? I had no idea when I was gonna meet again with Kazuya, but it may take another month, or even more than that.

“Come on, I’ll start making dinner. I was thinking of preparing some burgers for tonight. What do you think?” He was off the bed and halfway to the door when I managed to answer.

“I think I should have rice instead.”

He turned around before answering. “I don’t think having something outside your diet once is gonna affect your performance. I promise I won’t tell Coach,” he winked before heading for the kitchen.

I stayed on the bed for a while, just staring at his room. It was just as bare as the living room, except for the bedside table, which had a picture of him as a child with both his parents and another much more modern one of us after his retirement game. It was strange to look at that picture. Not even 3 months had passed by and, still, it felt like the person smiling at the camera was somebody I had been ages ago.

With a lot of effort, I left the bed and went to the kitchen, even if I knew my help was going to be gratefully dismissed. It was still good being there. It felt comfortable. It felt like an escape to what was waiting for me back at school. I asked Kazuya about his new team and it was amazing to hear him talk about baseball. The way his eyes shone with passion was something I was sure to store in my memory. He told me all about his new teammates and how it was obvious what everybody was studying from the way they played. I tried my best to keep up with all the information he was giving me, but if I were to meet them the following day, I’d be lucky to remember he had mentioned their names. I had no idea how he did it. He had known them for as long as I had known my underclassmen and still he knew all these things about each and every one of them and was already coming up with strategies based on their personalities and I still struggled to remember some of my teammates’ names and strengths.

“You haven’t played a game with the new Seido team, right?” He asked out of nowhere. It took me a while to process what he had said, but when it did, I shook my head. “Then relax. Everything’ll click after your first game, even if it’s not an official one. You’re a natural leader and mood maker, so it’ll be as easy as breathing once you’ve started.”

I didn’t say anything to that and it didn’t look like he was expecting any comment. He went back to focusing on his cooking and telling me random things about living alone. “Do you know how many times I’ve had to call Kuramochi because I locked myself out already?” or “whatever you do, whatever you need, never call him after 10 PM. Don’t even ask. All I’m going to say is it happened more than once so it can’t have been a coincidence.”

Dinner was pretty much like lunch, except I didn’t start crying and Kazuya turned the TV on because he didn’t think I was gonna talk. The burgers were amazing. I could almost say it was the best meal I’d had in my life, but I really didn’t wanna give him more reasons to feed up his ego.

The following morning, I woke up to his steady breathing and for a couple of seconds, I thought the past month had been a dream and I was back at the Seido dorms. But then I remembered where I was and I just nuzzled up against his chest. In retrospective, I really shouldn’t have done that if I wanted to make the moment last as long as possible, but it was almost a knee-jerk reaction. A knee-jerk reaction that woke him up.

“Morning. Sleep well?” I had missed the way he looked first thing in the morning.

“Better than ever,” I answered before leaning in for a morning kiss.

“We’d better get up or we’ll be late.” And just like that, he got up and headed to make breakfast.

“Late for what?” He gave me one of those smiles that were just for me and I just died for a second or two.

“I thought you might want to know what college baseball was like, so I called the guys for a makeshift practice.”

“This is Nakamura, third baseman. This is Yukimura, shortstop. This is Kurosawa, first baseman. And this right here is your future nemesis: Izuna, pitcher.” He was signaling with his hand at the people he was mentioning, and I was so thankful for him to remind me of the names and positions, even if I knew he had told me all about them just last night.

“It is a pleasure to meet you all! I am Sawamura Eijun, third-year student from Seido! Pitcher!” I shouted as loud as my lungs let me with a respectful 90-degree bow. I felt a soft chop to my head, which made me frown and keep my mouth shut.

“Lower your voice, idiot. It’s only us in here.”

“Don’t worry Sawamura-kun. I’d also be on my toes if I had to spend an entire weekend with this guy,” the pitcher said before leaning in and whispering to my ear. “Was he always so much of a bastard behind the plate?”

I was about to answer, when I felt a strong pair of arms tearing him away from me. “Now, now. I’m being the best upperclassman you’ll ever have by letting you meet my new team; don’t go trash talking me, especially not when I can hear you.”

“Don’t play the role of the victim, Miyuki. We all know you’re not one.” They all laughed at that, but I couldn’t follow them.

“Come on. Let’s see if what Miyuki said was all talk.” I looked at them and then at Miyuki, but I couldn’t fully understand what they were saying.

“What? You thought I wouldn’t brag about the brat who challenged Coach on his first day with nothing but a crazy moving ball and yet, somehow, I managed to turn him into captain by the time he got to his third year?” There was more in his eyes, but I was sure he wouldn’t say it. Not here, in front of his new team. We weren’t in Seido anymore, and it hurt to have a reminder of that fact when I had come to get away from that reality. “Come on, I bet you can’t wait to pitch for me again.”

“Don’t be so conceited, Miyuki! The kid’s training at Seido – I bet he’s already found someone to replace you.”

“No, of course I didn’t.” It was only when I saw his startled look in his eyes that I realized I had said it out loud. I was afraid I might have said I shouldn’t have, something that would out us, but he didn’t mention a thing. Maybe we could pass it off as admiration for a genius catcher, like the one I had had for Chris in my first year. But it was not necessary – his teammates, luckily, knew how to stop the awkward moment.

“Don’t say that, Sawamura-kun! You’re gonna give him an even bigger head! You might be going back to Seido today, but we’re gonna have to deal with him and his ego every single practice!” I faked a laugh and apologized for that.

“Okay, enough chitchat. Are you gonna show us those crazy pitches or are we gonna assume that it was all just crazy talk?” The shortstop said as he handed me a ball. I smiled as I took it from him. Now this was something I could do without messing up.

“Is he trying to hit me?” The shortstop cried after the fifth inside pitch. Miyuki laughed as he got up from behind the plate and threw the ball back to me.

“No, that was a perfect pitch inside the strike area. You were just leaning in too much.”

“I was not!” He turned to the other players who were standing behind Kazuya, playing the role of umpires. “Tell him I was not!”

“Well…” one of them, the pitcher, I think, started. “It wasn’t a ball.”

“What?” He looked at him and then turned to the others. “What?” He repeated, but the first and third basemen just raised their shoulders. “Okay, brat. Now I’m getting serious.”

“You said the same thing two pitches ago,” was all Miyuki said before getting back in position and signaling for the next pitch.

And with that, our little batting practice went on. It was great, being able to pitch with him again. Even if the batters were different, the sound of my pitching in his mitt was the same familiar one I had almost forgotten.

“So…” I started, as I waited for my train to arrive.

“So…” he repeated.

“It was amazing seeing you again. I really missed you. I…I wish I didn’t have to go back.” He looked away as I spoke.

“I still can’t believe you can say that with a straight face.” He took a deep breath and looked back up. “I…” He took my hands in his. They were sweaty. It was nice to see that he was just as nervous and anxious about this as I was. “I can’t wait until we see each other again.” He closed his eyes and pressed our foreheads together. “It’s gonna be hard being home alone again.”

We stayed silent for a second before he remembered where he was and pulled back. After that, the couple of minutes before the train arrived at the station were…awkward…to say the least. All I wanted was to savor the last moments I had with him until who knew when, but I was all too aware that he was wary of the way people might stare at us. So, our last minutes together were filled with silence and fidgeting from my part. As for him, I liked to believe I had become an expert in reading him just as well as he could read me, but it was moments like these that showed me how much there was of Miyuki Kazuya that I didn’t know.

When the train finally arrived, he pulled me close for a last hug and a hint of a kiss on my cheek.

Next thing I knew, I was standing in front of the Seido dorm rooms. Suddenly, it felt like the past 48 hours hadn’t existed at all. As soon as I entered my room and dropped my bag on the floor, all I could think of was the homework I had to do before class started in the morning and all the data from the freshmen I had to go over so I didn’t blank in the next meeting with Harucchi. Or worse, the next meeting with Coach.

I barely heard Asada welcoming back. I looked his way and smiled before grabbing my schoolbag and sitting at the desk to start with my homework. I should’ve asked Kanemaru to help me during self-study and I was sure regretting not having done so. I made a mental note not to make the same mistake this week and got started.

I had barely slept for an hour and a half before my alarm went off. I hurried to turn it off before it woke up the other two. I considered turning around and going back to bed for another hour until the other two alarms went off, but if I didn’t go out for my morning run, I’d probably make Harucchi worry. With a groan, I got out of bed, got changed and went out to start the day. It wasn’t the nicest of days – there were clouds almost completely blocking out the sun – which made it even harder to find the energy to run, but I had to do it. I was the captain of the team. I couldn’t slack off, especially not so early into the year. What kind of example would I be giving my underclassmen if I started reducing the amount of time I devoted to baseball? I shook my head and slapped my face as hard as I could to shake the negativity and sleepiness off and jogged towards the practice field.

And just like that, I was back to my old routine.

There were times where the girls in my class asked me if I was okay, more often than not when I told them I hadn’t been able to read some manga they had lent me. They understood and got off my case when I told them I had too much in my plate with the tournament coming up and having to lead the new team so that we didn’t crumble in the first game. I sometimes heard something along the lines of “wow, that sounds so cool, Sawamura-kun!”. Every single time I heard that phrase I smiled the best smile I could manage and hoped to all the gods that they found something else to talk about. It wasn’t cool. Not at all. I had no idea how Kazuya had done it or why he thought I could, but every passing day I convinced myself a little more that he’d made a mistake in proposing me.

He asked me how I was doing every once in a while, too. I wanted to tell him with all my heart how I was feeling. After his injury, we had promised not to hide anything from the other person. At the time, I had been so sure that it was only so that he would never do anything as stupid as possibly hurting his body beyond repair. I had never thought it would come back to bite me in the ass. But here I was, telling him I was doing well – that he’d been right and I just need some time to get used to the whole thing. He’d trusted me so much that I just didn’t have the heart to disappoint him. And after he told me he’d been having some trouble in some subjects, I couldn’t bother him with my own problems. If he had been able to go through this, then I could do it just as well.

I needed to go for a run. Running had always helped me clear my mind, this shouldn’t be any different.

College hadn’t been quite what I had expected it to be. Sure, I wasn’t doing as bad as I might have if I had slacked off, but all my life I had thought that college was the moment when I would be able to relax and just focus on my baseball. Well, as I found out after a month of actually being a college student, if I had wanted that to be my life, I should’ve just done like Kuramochi and gone pro as soon as I finished high school.

Plus, having to actually socialize was something I wasn’t quite used to. After being bullied in middle school and having my room broken into though not really being part of whatever was going on in high school, having people coming up to me and inviting me to hang out after class or during the weekend was completely alien to me. I had no idea how to manage my schedule so I didn’t fall behind in my classes, devote an important part of my day to baseball and keep my new friendships alive.

It didn’t help that Eijun was still in school. His endless supply of energy was something I could really use at the time. And his smile. And his kisses. And his positivity. And the way he smiled when he was embarrassed. God, I just missed him. But he was too busy with being a senior and captain of the team, so I tried to not show him how much I needed to see him. He couldn’t afford to travel from Seido to Tokyo as much as I wanted him to. I couldn’t completely hide the fact that I wasn’t feeling too well, though. He might not have been the sharpest tool in the shed, but after spending so much time together, he had gotten pretty good at reading between the lines – at least when it came to me.

I checked my phone for what felt the thousandth time, but I got the same result. No new messages. No missed calls. No nothing. Just the same background photo Eijun had set up for me just before I had graduated.

“Trouble in paradise?” I heard Izuna ask from his seat opposite me. I didn’t have to look up to know he was grinning. That bastard, he wasn’t half as discreet as he thought he was.

“Don’t know what you’re talking about,” I replied simply, not looking away from my notes. He snorted and that got me raising my head.

“You’re kidding, right? You’ve got to be kidding.” I raised my eyebrows and went back to trying to summarize this text on how conditioning was used on prisoners. Though it would’ve been a hundred times easier if Eijun would just reply to the message I had sent him over half an hour ago. He was a fast texter and I knew that from first-hand experience, so when ten minutes had passed and I still got nothing, I started to worry. What could possibly be keeping him from replying? He hadn’t mentioned any meetings lately and he should be on his day off, so what the fuck was going on? “Yeah, that face totally tells me everything’s okay.”

“Sorry if you don’t like my face, it’s the only one I’ve got,” I looked back up and smirked. “I know it’s unfortunate, but girls sure seem to like it.”

“Hey, now. I wasn’t in high school with you, so until you have a fan club half as big as you claim yours to have been, I won’t believe you.” He crossed his arms as if to say that the topic was officially over.

“You can ask Sawamura if you don’t believe me.” I leaned on my left hand and stared back at my notes. If I couldn’t get a hold on him, maybe his future rival could. “I’m sure he’ll tell you anything you want to know if you promise to teach him anything related to pitching.”

“Um…” He tried to act like he was actually considering it, but there was no way he was fooling me. “No, he’d be too biased to answer about that.”

“Biased? Sawamura? The kid wouldn’t be able to lie if his life depended on it.”

“Yeah, he looked like he was the open-book type.” He leaned even further back in his chair and looked up at the ceiling. Then he smiled. “Though those pickoffs sure trick a lot of runners, don’t they?” Pickoffs? We hadn’t done any pickoffs on that makeshift practice. How on Earth did he…? “Oh, I got interested in him after that practice. You know, as much as you keep calling him a kid, he’s a grown-up. And that swing of his arm!” He was still looking up with that stupid smile on his face. “Are you sure you never mistook his fans for yours? He looks like the type that’d have a hoard of girls behind me.”

“Yeah, only to ask him for manga recommendations.”

“Is that so? What type of manga?”

“Shoujo. The idiot cries with every single one and he always had two or three classmates asking him what he thought about some new story.” I shooed him away with my hand. “Now, if you’ll excuse me. I’m trying to study?”

“No way! You said you’d give me Sawamura’s number!”

“I never said such thing.” Dammit, Eijun! Send me a fucking message! Anything! Even one those stupid emojis so I know that you’re okay!

“I never thought you’d be the jealous type.”

“I’m not jealous.” I’m worried. I’m lonely. I’m scared.

“Don’t worry. I don’t think I’d be his type even if I tried.” He was still leaning back, but he had his head up so he could see me. I had no idea what to answer to that. I was frozen in a second. I couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, couldn’t really think after that comment. I tried my best to understand what he was saying, but the only thing that came to my mind was simply impossible. There was no way he was implying that…no, no way. I had been careful. I didn’t think I had made any mistakes, so there was no way that – and then he smirked. And I knew that if he was so much as doubting it, I had just confirmed every single one of his suspicions.

“How did you know?” was all I could say.

“Well…if I hadn’t started to think about if from the way you talked about him, then the way you looked at each other was a dead giveaway. And even if I had been stupid enough to not see that, then the way you are checking your phone every hour or so and smiling says it all to me.”

There was a short moment of silence after that. I was still trying to put my thoughts together. Izuna knew. So I had to presume that some of the other guys on the team knew. Or at least, considering what he was telling me, the ones that had met Eijun. What was I supposed to do now? I couldn’t deny it now. I might as well have admitted that we were dating with what I had just told him. Would he tell the others? How would they take it? How had he taken it? Well…it had been nice to have friends liked me outside of baseball.

“Just so you know, this doesn’t change a thing.”

“Huh?”

“It doesn’t. It’s cool, Miyuki. I have no idea what you thought I was gonna say, but come on! Have a little faith in me! We’re supposed to be friends!” I let out a breath I hadn’t even realized I had been holding and felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. “But seriously, though. What’s got you so pending of your phone? Did you have a fight or anything?” And now the worry was back.

“I don’t know. He seemed fine the last time I talked to him, and he normally texts me something around this time. But today he didn’t and now he’s not replying or picking up his phone.” I sighed and checked once again to get the same result. “I don’t know what to think anymore.” He got up, went around the table and hit me hard in the back. “What the hell was that for?”

“You’re too tense – it doesn’t suit you. Relax. I’m sure you’ll find out whatever this is and everything will be back to normal. Just…ask him when he’s got time to come back. If you’re too cool to tell him you miss him, then just say I want to teach him a thing or two.” And with that, he left.

I spent the rest of the morning alert. I was still waiting for Yukimura, Kurosawa or any other member of the team to walk into the library and start calling me every name on the book, but it never happened. Izuna had told me to have faith in him because we were friends, but it was a strange thing to ask. I had heard stories of best friends and even families being torn apart because of this, so I didn’t understand what he was asking me to do.

I also spent the morning trying to focus on the same chapter of the same book, but my mind couldn’t stop thinking about everything that could possibly stop Eijun from texting me back. He might have been sick, though that had never stopped him from texting before, so I discarded it right away. Unless he was seriously ill, and then I started worrying. Maybe he had just been in a meeting with coach and Little Kominato…though it had been over 2 hours, so that seemed unlikely as well. Maybe he had forgotten to charge his phone? No, there was just no way that had happened. The only two possible explanations I could come up with were either he was cramming with Kanemaru and he was forbidden from using his phone or I had messed up big time without noticing. I was only hoping it was the latter.

I was thinking about that when my phone started ringing. I was relieved beyond words when I saw his picture on the caller ID, and I finally leaned back when I answered. Only it was Kominato’s voice on the other side of the line, so I started panicking again.

“Miyuki-senpai, please don’t panic,” I could tell he was trying his best to sound calm so that I would follow his lead.

“What do you mean ‘don’t panic’? What happened? Why are you calling me instead of him?” A million possibilities ran through my mind at that moment.

“Eijun-kun passed out today during his morning run.” Only that wasn’t one of them. “The school already called his family, but I thought you should know.”

“What happened?”

“The doctor said it wasn’t anything too serious…”

“What. Happened?” I was quickly losing my temper.

“He overworked himself.” There was a little hesitance before he continued. “And the doctor said he was too thin.” A curse. “I’m sorry, Miyuki-senpai. I should’ve seen there was something out of the ordinary and stopped him. I should’ve…I should’ve forced him to eat, but he was always smiling and saying he wasn’t hungry and he’d eat later on and I…” a sob. “I should’ve done something. I’m sorry.” The hand that wasn’t holding the phone was tight in a fist on my leg. I knew, in the most rational part of my brain, that it wasn’t his fault – that I should’ve seen the signs as well. But I wasn’t being rational at the time. I could hardly imagine how he must’ve looked like at the very moment we were speaking, or how he had looked like for the past month. I should’ve read the signs. I was supposed to know him better than anyone else. I was supposed to be his shoulder to cry on. And, yet, I was absolutely sure that I had only helped lead him to overworking himself.

I tried to compose myself the best that I could before speaking again. “Is he at the school infirmary?”

“No. They took him in an ambulance as soon as they could.” There was a slight pause that couldn’t have lasted more than a few seconds, but it felt like hours had gone by. “I’ll send you the address and the room number.” He hesitated for a couple more seconds. “I really am sorry, Miyuki-senpai.”

“I know,” was all that left my mouth before I hung up. Not a minute had passed when I got a new message. I didn’t stop to think what I was doing – I simply put everything in my bag as fast as I could and left to take a taxi. Psychology 101 could wait until later.

I entered the hospital and didn’t stop to announce myself – Kominato’s message was extremely detailed and told me everything I needed to know to find his room. I considered taking the elevator, but it was only on the second floor, and I was sure I’d be faster if I went up the stairs. As soon as I made it to his floor, I started looking for his room. When my eyes landed on the small 2107 on the side of the door, I stopped and tried to steady my breathing before walking in.

I opened the door as quietly as I could and the first thing I saw was Eijun…or…a sicker version of Eijun. He was as pale as a ghost. He also had big, dark bags under his eyes. If I had thought he looked like a dead panda when he’d come to visit, it was only because I had never seen him like this. I could only see his face, but if what Kominato had said was true, I wasn’t sure I wanted to know how he looked behind the bedsheets.

“Miyuki,” a gasping voice said from inside the room.

“Rei-san,” I nodded as I finally walked in. “It’s been a while.” She looked like she wanted to laugh but couldn’t. “It’s not your fault, Rei-san. He’s a better actor than we give him credit for.”

“I don’t know how I’m going to face their parents. I promised them I’d take care of him while he was here in Tokyo.”

“If it’s any consolation, I promised them the same thing.” I walked to the bed and caressed his face. “I’m the worst excuse of a boyfriend ever. I only made him worry about more things.” I looked at her before asking the one question I knew Kominato would’ve never answered. “How bad is he?”

Rei-san looked down at the hands on her lap. “The doctor said he should wake up any moment now. That he has to stay here for examination for at least two days and that once his body weight comes back to normal he can go back to practice.” There was a little hesitation at the end of that sentence and I was praying that she would tell me whatever else was missing. “He will also have to see a therapist twice a week from now on. I’m really worried about how he will take it all. He has been so concerned about keeping a good upperclassman image…this will be a hard blow to that and I’m not sure how he’ll take it.” She rubbed her eyes under the glasses. “I’m sorry, I must sound so silly, worrying about that…”

“No,” I cut her off. “It’s not silly. He’ll care about that, so it’s normal that you think about it beforehand.” She seemed to relax at that, and pushed a chair my way. We stayed in silence after that, just listening to the soft beep of the machine.

I had been so stressed about the whole thing, that when Rei-san said it wasn’t as big of a problem as I had imagined, I couldn’t help but relax. No matter what had been going on inside his head, he was stronger than that. He would push through, just like he always did. And if he were to fall again, I’d make sure to be right behind him.

I must’ve fallen asleep sometime after that, because next thing I knew, I was leaning on Eijun’s bed, feeling a hand caressing the top of my head. I leaned into the hand when it moved to the side.

“Kazuya,” a soft voice said. “What are you doing here?” That woke me up in a second.

“What do you mean what am I doing here? You weren’t texting, I got worried, Kominato said you had passed out, I got even worried, so I took a cab and came as fast as I could.” He was staring at me hardly even blinking and it saddened me that it was such a hard thing for him to believe that I had worried. “Izuna knows, by the way. That we’re dating…He seemed pretty cool about it.” I laughed. “He said you’re welcome to join us any time so he can teach you a thing or two about pitching.”

“And we can be like before?” God, I couldn’t believe I was part of the reason he was looking like that.

“Yeah. Now, tell me. What’s going through that head of yours? Last time I saw you, you cried over food and now I see you and they tell me you have a slight case of malnutrition?” He looked as guilty as a kid who’d just been found with the hands in the cookie jar, but that look was soon replaced with a pout.

“You’ll be the worst phycologist ever if you keep asking things so straight.” I stood up fast and kissed him quick on the lips before replying.

“I’m just really worried. And I know you won’t lie if there’s no screen between us.” He was about to contradict me but I gave him a look and he closed his mouth. “Please, tell me, Eijun.” I thought better about it and corrected myself. “Or don’t. Not if you don’t want to. But…please promise me you’ll talk to me next time.” I waited for his answer and didn’t breathe until I saw a small nod. “Thanks. I sometimes forget how to be a good boyfriend, you know? You’re supposed to be the expert in that department.” I took his hand in mine and only then realized how much thinner than normal he looked. “And come visit more often. I’ll pick you up and drop you at Seido if I have to. I just…” there were tears fighting to come out of my eyes, so I just dropped my head on the mattress one more time, even if I knew I wasn’t fooling him. “I miss you when you’re not near. Texting is not the same and I…I really love you. I don’t want to feel like I’m about to lose you again, Eijun.”

There was silence for a couple of seconds except for the beeping sound of the machine and then he lifted my head up for a kiss.

“I love you too, Kazuya.”