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“Hey Eddie, should we play another round of I Spy?”
“Buck, I think we’ve run out of things to spy at this point.”
Eddie sighed, resting his head against the window. They were only seven hours into the journey to Nashville, and he was already cursing every member of the LAFD brass in his head. They had decided, in their infinite wisdom, that paying for twenty firefighters to fly across the country was not worth the money when they could force them into driving the whole way instead. In four firetrucks. Eddie was pretty sure the decision was based on the fact that the city spent a lot of money on state-of-the-art new trucks for Station 49, and they wanted to show them off.
Initially, the twenty firefighters had been pretty evenly split between the four trucks. Eddie and Buck were the only ones from the 118, but they were friendly enough with most of the others, so they didn’t really mind being stuck in the back of a truck with any of them. And they had thought the others felt the same, until they got to their first stopping point. Buck and Eddie had both taken the opportunity to stretch their legs, and when they returned to the truck, they were the only ones who got back in it. There were excuses thrown around, mostly that they thought Buck should have more space so he could stretch his bad leg out, which Eddie had initially thought was true. Until he overheard one firefighter mutter something like ‘I thought Han was exaggerating when he talked about those two’ to another, and he realized that they were freaked out by the whole BuckAndEddie of it all. It wasn’t unusual, most people were confused by their relationship. Even their friends were occasionally freaked out.
But that had left Buck and Eddie in the back of the truck on their own. Sure, they had Jason driving them, but he had earphones in with his music blasting, and even if he didn’t, he had covered at the 118 enough times to be used to Buck and Eddie, so they weren’t really concerned with what he thought. Buck had immediately claimed the long bench seat as his own, stretching out over the entire thing, but Eddie didn’t really mind, content to sit opposite. Without other people to talk to, however, the two had quickly resorted to road trip games to keep them occupied. They had started with the Alphabet Game, but had gotten bored of that rather quickly, and had moved on to I Spy, which gradually got more and more convoluted as they ran out of things they could see.
And eventually, they had lapsed into comfortable silence, just happy to sit with each other as they usually did. Until Buck’s brain caught on to some thought, and suddenly they were back to talking.
“You know, I think I’ll definitely be the best at this competition.” Buck said, twisting an elastic band around his fingers. The competition was supposed to be a chance to share ideas and techniques between fire departments, but was actually more of a chance to prove which fire department was the best in the country. Firefighters had always been, and probably would always be, extremely competitive.
“Oh yeah?” Eddie said, smiling as Buck met his gaze. “Even better than me?” A cocky grin took over Buck’s face.
“Oh, definitely.” They were both quiet for a second, before Buck suddenly shifted so he was lying on his side instead of his back, looking at Eddie with an expression that he was all too familiar with. Buck had an idea.
“What do you say,” Buck started, drawing out his words, “we make a little wager of sorts?” Eddie’s eyebrows raised as Buck gave him a hopeful smile.
“What kind of wager?” Eddie said, and immediately Buck sat straight up to face him.
“Well, let’s say, whoever gets the least points for the LAFD team has to clean the bathrooms at the station for the next two months, how about that?” Eddie had to admit, it was a good bet. Chimney, even though he was a great captain, tended to forget to assign chores, and typically Buck or Eddie would end up on bathroom duty. Getting out of it for two months would be heavenly.
“You really think you’ll beat me?” Eddie said. “I’ve been practicing loads.” The two of them had been practicing the events they would be competing in for weeks, much to the rest of the station’s annoyance.
“Yeah, I can still take you.” Buck replied, leaning against the door.
“You think so?” Eddie asked as an odd feeling, almost like deja vu, swept through him.
“I know.” Buck looked at him expectantly. “You wanna go for the title?”
Suddenly, Eddie was thrust back in time. Six years back, exactly, to a conversation in the kitchen of Buck’s old loft. Buck standing in front of him, one hand on his belt, Eddie holding a beer. The two of them, holding each other’s gaze for a few seconds longer than necessary. The swooping feeling in his stomach that he pushed down, ignored, refused to acknowledge.
But he had to acknowledge it. Because Buck was sitting in front of him, having said the exact same words that he had six years ago, and the swooping feeling was back. Accompanied by a lump in his throat and a flash of warmth that spread straight through his entire body. He was sure he was staring at Buck, probably confusing the hell out of him, and so he forced himself to move, to do something.
“Sure.” He managed to stutter out. “You wanna, uh, shake on it?” There was a twinkle in Buck’s eye as he extended a hand out, which Eddie reached out to take.
He realized that was a mistake as soon as his fingers brushed Buck’s palm.
A burning feeling shot up his arm, engulfing his limb in hot fire. Eddie felt himself sharply inhale as his hand closed around Buck’s, sending a round of sparks scattering around his body. He couldn’t bring himself to move, his arm going completely limp as Buck shook his hand.
But then Buck let go, and Eddie suddenly found that he could move again. The burning was replaced by a cold nothingness, the warmth that had engulfed him disappeared in an instant. Only the lump in his throat remained, and even that lessened as Eddie tore his gaze away from Buck’s, choosing instead to stare out the window. Out of the corner of his eye, Eddie watched as Buck returned to his previous position, lying across the seat, but as he did, he grabbed Eddie’s discarded sweatshirt from the floor and shoved it under his head.
“I think I’m going to get a nap in, if that’s okay with you, Eds?” Buck said, eyes already closed.
“‘Course that’s okay,” Eddie whispered, “I’ll be here when you wake up.” Buck gave him a small smile, and then Eddie was left alone with his swirling thoughts.
He couldn’t ignore it, not anymore. The feeling that overtook him whenever his skin brushed against Buck’s. How his heart began to race whenever the faces got too close. The way Buck just fit so perfectly into his life, the way he completed their little family. Eddie had spent so, so, long pushing it down. Praying. Trying desperately to be the good Catholic boy that his parents had wanted him to be. It wasn’t until his abuela told him that he’d been looking for God in the wrong place, something he hadn’t truly understood until after she died.
It had struck him suddenly, at her funeral. All of his abuela’s friends had come up to him, offered their condolences and such, and then had asked if ‘his Buck’ was there too. Told him that his abuela always said Buck was his support system, his family, and that Eddie needed to lean on him. As countless people all asked him about Buck, it had finally clicked. His abuela had told all of them about Buck. His abuela had told him he was looking for God, for love, in the wrong place.
His abuela had known. And she had been okay with it.
Eddie had still ignored it though. Ignored the feelings, refused to think about them. He focused on the firefighter competition instead, allowed it to overtake all of his thoughts and shove the big, life-changing revelations to the wayside. Just knowing that his abuela would’ve still loved him if he ever decided to think about it, that was enough for him.
Until Buck had to go and say those words. In the back of a firetruck, in the middle of nowhere.
In an ironic way, it made sense for Eddie’s life to change in the back of a firetruck. It was a firetruck that had almost killed Buck. Eddie had been pulled into the back of a firetruck after he had been shot. Buck died hanging off the top of a ladder, extended from the truck. Firetrucks were weirdly intertwined with their lives, twisted into their history, responsible for some of their most traumatic moments. And there was a new moment to add to the list.
Eddie felt… something for Buck.
He couldn’t quite bring himself to name it. The amorphous thing that had haunted every single moment of their friendship, shifting into whatever they needed it to be in the moment. He had never been good at naming what he felt; it was something Shannon used to tease him about. She would laugh and tell him that she would have to get little flashcards to teach him the names of his emotions. Christopher had gotten a set of those when he was about five.
But Eddie found that he didn’t particularly want to name it. Eventually, of course he did, but he wasn’t the only person affected by naming it. Buck was too. He deserved to have an input, to get to choose what they called the thing between them. Eddie suspected that Buck had been waiting for him to be ready to talk about it for a while. He didn’t know what Buck wanted, but he hoped it was the same thing Eddie wanted. More than best friends. Something special. Something pure.
His gaze fell on Buck, whose breaths had evened out as he fell asleep. A part of him wanted to reach out, brush his hand over Buck’s face, but he restrained himself. Eddie wanted, needed, to talk to him first. He couldn’t do anything until he knew if they wanted the same thing.
Buck had slept for a couple of hours, and the two had ended up playing more roadtrip games once he woke. Eddie didn’t want to talk about it in the back of a firetruck, in the middle of nowhere. Preferably, he would wait until they got back to LA after the competition.
His patience was tested as soon as they pulled up to the motel they were spending the night at.
Buck had continued to use Eddie’s sweater as a pillow for the rest of their journey, but as they had pulled up, Buck had put it on. That wasn’t really a problem, the two of them had shared clothes too many times to count, what was a problem was that it was Eddie’s LAFD sweater.
With ‘DIAZ’ printed on the back.
Eddie couldn't help the wounded noise that had escaped from his mouth when he saw it. Buck, with Eddie’s name emblazoned across his back, was almost too much for Eddie to handle. His brain had taken that image and come up with a different one, a fantasy. The two of them with wedding rings on their fingers, wearing suits and dancing together.
It had taken a sharp pinch to the back of his hand for Eddie to focus.
He had kept his gaze away from Buck’s back as they checked in. Instead, he tried his best to listen to the front desk clerk as he spoke to one of the other firefighters, catching a few stray sentences. Something about how the large group were taking all the rooms they had left, but Eddie didn’t really care. He just needed to get into his and Buck’s room, so Buck could take the sweater off and finally stop Eddie’s brain from going haywire.
The room keys were handed out, and Eddie immediately started speed-walking to their room, a tired Buck following behind him slowly. Their room was on the ground floor, right at the end of the row, and Eddie quickly unlocked it and walked inside. Until he saw something that made him stop in his tracks.
There was only one bed.
He vaguely felt Buck crash into his back, too overtaken with panic to register it. There was no way he would be able to keep ignoring everything whilst sleeping in the same bed as Buck. Just the thought of sharing a bed was making Eddie’s heart start to race.
“Eds?” Buck asked. “What’s up, is something- Oh.” Buck saw the problem immediately, moving around the side of Eddie to get into the room. “We’ll have to ask for a new room at the front desk, I’m sure-”
“There aren’t any rooms left.” Eddie interrupted quietly. “I heard the guy say something about it. They’re at full capacity.” There was a pause as Buck sighed.
“Well, it’s not like we’ve never shared a bed before.” Buck was right. The two of them had shared a bed on occasion during lockdown when Eddie had stayed at the loft. But back then, Eddie was shoving everything down, not actively attempting to maybe accept his feelings.
Buck moved towards the bed, dropping his bag to the floor and sitting down heavily. Eddie just sort of stared at him for a few seconds, watching as he began to take his shoes off. Just looking at Buck was making his knees go weak. He wouldn’t be able to sleep in the same bed as him without making an absolute fool of himself.
Unless.
Unless he said something.
As soon as the thought popped into his head, his mouth was moving of its own volition.
“Buck, wait.” Eddie said, his voice clearer than he thought it would be. Buck’s head immediately snapped up, his eyes meeting Eddie’s. “I can’t do this.”
“Can’t do what?” Buck asked, confusion evident across his face. “Can’t share a bed with me? Eddie, we’ve done it before.”
“No. I can’t this time.” The light in Buck’s eyes dimmed slightly. “Not until we talk about it.”
“Talk about what?” Eddie scoffed and looked at his feet.
“You know what, Buck.”
“No, Eddie. I don’t.” Buck said firmly. “Even if it is what I think it is, I need you to tell me. I can’t talk about this without knowing if we’re on the same page. You’re too important.” Eddie could tell that Buck had caught on.
“Come on, Buck. You know I’m no good at talking about this stuff.” There was a pause, and Eddie finally forced himself to look at Buck.
“Say it, Eddie.”
“Fine! Fine.” Eddie took a massive breath in. “I don’t know how to name this thing between us, this feeling. I don't think I can find an answer in one word.” He sighed. “All I know is that when you’re not here, I get this pain deep in my chest, and it doesn’t stop until you’re next to me again. I know that when you hold my hand it feels like my entire arm is going to explode, and I know that when you look at me it feels like I'm going to melt into a puddle on the ground.” Eddie could tell that he was tearing up slightly. “And I know that I care about you so, so much. And I want you to be in my life, and I want to be in your life. in any way you allow me to, for as long as you’ll let me.”
Buck didn’t say a word, when Eddie finished talking. Just paused for a few seconds. And then, he pushed himself to his feet, and walked over to stand in front of Eddie.
“You really mean all that?” Buck said in an almost whisper.
“Of course, Buck. I wouldn’t lie to you, not about this.” Buck’s hand came up to cup his cheek. Eddie’s hands moved as well, and though they were shaking slightly, Eddie carefully placed them on Buck’s waist. “So, what now?”
“Now,” Buck said with a tiny smirk, “I do this.”
Buck leaned in slowly, giving Eddie enough time to pull away if he chose. Eddie didn’t, instead just letting his eyes slip closed as he was waiting for Buck to reach him. And when he did, Eddie could finally, finally, just let himself feel it.
Buck’s lips were soft. He hadn’t expected that. But he didn’t have a long time to savor the sensation before his body was overtaken by the beautiful, burning feeling that he was so familiar with. It felt like every single cell in his body was singing, like everything suddenly felt completely perfect in a way he couldn’t really describe. Eddie wasn’t sure how long the kiss lasted, but eventually Buck started to pull away. Eddie let him, happy to just stand there, their foreheads resting against each other.
“Usually,” Buck said, breaking the silence, “I would suggest we make use of that bed. But it’s been a long day, and my leg is-”
“It’s fine, Buck.” Eddie interrupted with a smile. “We can just sleep. It doesn’t matter, we have all the time in the world.”
Because they did have time. They had forever.