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Elim Garak left Sisko’s office in Ops. The war continued to go badly for the Federation and its allies. Casualty reports had been issued earlier that morning and the entire station seemed subdued. Most Federation personnel seemed to have known at least someone on one of the destroyed ships; many knew more. Whispers, tears and hugs followed him back to his shop as the humans engaged in their mourning rituals.
There had been a few small victories, which Sisko laid squarely at Garak’s feet. Having a former Cardassian Obsidian Order operative on the station was proving astronomically useful, allowing the Federation to continue the fight, but even Garak felt that it was simply a war of attrition at this point. A decisive victory was needed; if only the Federation could do something.
As he passed Quark’s bar, he noticed a familiar figure slumped into a seat, a drink in hand. Dr. Julian Bashir appeared not inebriated but lost. His uniform slightly wrinkled, his usually coiffed hair allowed to fluff out, dark circles under his eyes, a thin line for his mouth where a smile used to reside, and an unhappy stare. Garak felt his heart flip; that naïve young man that had stepped onto the station years ago was gone. In his place, Garak recognized the beginnings of a jaded, cynical maturity, which still didn’t negate his feelings for the human.
He and Julian hadn’t spoken in a few months, each busy with their war duties, which seemed to take them off station on opposing schedules. He missed their lunches, missed their arguments, missed the warmth the man had brought to his bed. He couldn’t pinpoint when things changed, but changed they did.
At that moment, Julian looked up and their eyes met. Garak nodded his head and turned to continue on his way.
Reopening his shop, he ducked under the counter to grab a specific box when he heard his doors open. Rising to greet his customer, he started. Julian stood upon the threshold. As the man stepped inside, the doors slid shut. Silence engulfed the shop.
“Elim,” whispered Julian, tears forming at the corners of his eyes.
Not a thought needed to be spared for that soft plea; Garak swiftly came around his counter and enveloped Julian in a hug. The human tightly gripped him back and started to cry, his loud sobs filling the space.
*************************
Garak brought a cup of tea to Julian, who sat listless on the cot in the backroom. He had created this small living space/sleeping alcove in his workroom upon his exile, not having the funds to actually rent quarters. He kept it for late work nights, being able to draw a curtain around it to block out the rest of the room.
He didn’t mind closing his shop for this man who still made his heart beat nor did he mind sitting with him until he felt that he could allow him to return to his duties.
“My dear doctor, take a sip. If nothing else, it will clear your throat.”
Julian complied but remained silent.
“You are more than welcome to stay. I’ll just work on some commissions until you’re ready to go,” Garak stated.
As Garak turned to grab a needle and thread for some touch-up work to a customer’s shirt, he heard Julian clear his throat.
“I’m sorry,” he softly whispered.
Garak turned back to look at Julian. Julian returned his gaze, tears hovering.
“I haven’t spoken to you in months. I’m sorry. I…I…I…just couldn’t. It doesn’t make it right, but I was so embarrassed. It just added to everything and then a week went by, and then two weeks, and then a month. And,” he sobbed, “I miss you.”
Garak came to sit next to Julian and take his hands. “My dear, it has hurt me to not have you with me and not know the reason for the change.” Julian stutteringly sobbed. “Thank you for the apology.” He leaned closer, “And I’ve missed you too.”
He held Julian’s hands as the man cried.
“Why don’t you come over tonight?”
Julian looked scared. “Elim, you don’t seem to understand!” he cried.
“Enlighten me, my dear.”
Julian sniffled and attempted to wipe tears off his face. Garak handed him a handkerchief. He bawled and in between breaths tried to explain to Garak. “I was fine, but now?” A few breaths. “I’m…I’m…not sleeping. I don’t want to eat. I smell…” Garak shook his head. “I know I do Garak! I just can’t seem to find the shower. I overwear my uniform. I do the minimum and I can barely do that!” His lower lip quivered and he covered his face with his hands. “I…I…I…can’t get it up,” he softly finished. “That’s why; I’m not the man you thought I could be. I want to be better, but I can’t, and you deserve someone who can be great.”
Garak smashed Julian against him in a tight hug. “I deserve you. You taught me that. I want no one else, even now.” He kissed the man’s head. “If I ever led you to think that you couldn’t be you, the good and bad versions, then it is me who should be apologizing. And it seems I did lead you to believe it! I am sorry my Julian. I’ve always ever wanted you, the you that you don’t show to people often and not the sanitized version.”
He tightened his hold on his lover. “I believe humans have a name for what you’re going through: depression, is it? Now, I’ve been told there are things that can be done to help with it.”
Julian whimpered against him.
“One thing that we’re doing is I’m moving in with you. But first…computer, dim lights to 15 percent.” The lights lowered to the point where it was dark enough to sleep but just light enough to see objects.
“We’re going to take a nap together, now, with no clothes on.”
“Garak, I just said!”
“I heard all your explanations and I am not deterred by any of them. I’m not asking for sex, indeed, sex is off the table until you say otherwise. This is just you and me re-grounding ourselves in our relationship starting with cuddling and a nap.”
“But…”
“Yes?”
“How…how can you now…?” Julian waved a hand up and down his body.
“I will find you attractive, always. When your hair is white and skin wrinkled, I will find you gorgeous. If you were to lose a limb, I will still find you beautiful.”
Julian covered his face again with hands trembling.
“Shall I undress you my dear?”
Julian nodded.
Garak disrobed first before turning to his lover. He methodically unzipped Julian’s uniform and lovingly removed his arms before sliding the cloth down. He then removed his boots before returning to the uniform to fully remove it and Julian’s undergarments.
Humans may have called Julian’s scent pungent at the moment but Garak basked in it, it being stronger than usual. He took notice that whereas before Julian would have hardened as his clothes were removed, even for the most benign of purposes, nothing stirred this time. His dear doctor definitely needed the support that Garak was happy to provide.
He lay Julian down into the cot and climbed in behind, spooning the younger man. He kissed the back of his neck and entwined their hands together in front of Julian.
“I have missed your warmth my dear.”
He heard the small sniffle before Julian said, “I missed you Elim.”
He pulled Julian tighter against his front. “Sleep, my Julian, I will be here when you wake.”
As they lay cuddled into the cot, it wasn’t long before Garak heard Julian’s breaths even into their sleep pattern. At that point, he smiled, happy to have his human back in his arms. They would work together to get Julian the help he needed and he would be with him, supporting and encouraging the love of his life. Garak lightly kissed Julian’s head again and nestled in to sleep.