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September, 1991
How was Will doing? Great, of course.
He got powers by accepting himself — and lost them after, what? Two days, maybe, but still was incredible —, alongside El, Kali and the rest of his friends, he managed to defeat Vecna and close all and whichever connection with the Upside Down, he came out to his family and friends, he survived high school and even got into college!
Even though he still had to deal with the scar in his right eye and limited vision everyday, and some really deep shit to set it out in therapy, Will Byers was doing great.
Will always considered himself a half-full glass type of person, so what could even possibly threaten that bubble of contentment he had himself into?
“Hey, Byers, I’m going out to do the groceries. Are you coming?”
Oh. Speaking of the Devil.
Standing in his bedroom’s door was his roommate, his childhood best friend and the only man that Will dared himself to love in his little poor life. Mike Wheeler.
Look, is being in love with the same person for almost 15 years a bit humiliating? Yes. Will has been fully aware of that for a long time. But before judging him, you have to see the lost puppy eyes and the stupid smirk Mike has by yourself.
“Can’t make it. Sorry. Maybe next time?” He smiled with kindness, but it only seemed to make Mike confused, or perhaps, if Will is willing to dream a little, sad and disappointed. “I have to finish this painting ‘til tomorrow for class.”
“Oh.” His face lightened up. “Can I see it?”
And like a flash, Mike was already stepping into his bedroom to see the painting.
“I already said no, Mike!” He couldn’t even try fighting the smile growing in his face. When it comes to Mike, Will was a long ago lost soldier, no matter the reason. But, somehow, he still found some strength to push his best friend away from the painting.
“Why?” Just like a stubborn child, Mike frowned and pouted.
“Stop whining about it.” Will gave a small push in Mike’s face, for his own sake. He was pretty sure that Mike could get anything he wanted from Will with those shining eyes.
When Mike’s face returned to stare at him, there was an almost shy smile there, and that was enough to make Will start talking again.
“It isn’t finished, okay? I…”
See, Will loved showing his art projects, especially his paintings and drawings, to Mike, but this time it was different.
His teacher had asked each of the students to make a painting, and not just any painting. A painting that represented a small moment that changed the whole trajectory of the student's life, just to get to know them better.
And sitting in his easel, Will had a blue and yellow swing set waiting for him.
Will was just, maybe, a little scared of Mike’s reaction. What if he didn’t like it?
What if he ended up thinking Will was overestimating that moment?
What if he thought it was weird painting a moment between the two of them, instead of just painting one of the nights they had playing D&D with the rest of the party?
What if he found out about his feelings?
“You know that I love whatever you make, right?” Mike’s soft voice snapped him out of his thoughts. “I’m sure this time won’t be different.”
Will could feel his cheeks getting hotter just with the word love. Oh, God, he was hopeless.
“I didn’t even say anything.”
“You didn’t have to.”
“Okay, mind reader, don’t you have some groceries to do?” Will tried containing his silly smile while pushing Mike away from his bedroom.
“Wait.” Mike stopped at the door, and his smile grew. “If I get some Reese’s for you, will you show it to me?”
“Michael, you always get Reese’s for me.”
“I’ll get more Reese’s, William.”
Honestly, Will would’ve shown him when Mike got back from the groceries only with that compliment, but some Reese’s are good too. Also, it’s very important that Mike doesn’t know the powers he has over Will.
“I’ll think about it. Now, go.”
“Oh, before I leave,” Mike returns to look at Will when he has half of his body out of the dormitory. “that box is for you. It was in the mailbox. It’s from Hawkins.”
It’s only now that Will sees the box on their living room table. It’s neither big, nor small.
“Do you know who sent it?” Will asked while sitting on the floor to take a better view from it.
“Actually, no. It doesn’t have a name or anything.” Mike seemed to get a bit awkward. “Maybe you have a secret admirer.”
“As if.”
And before he could even think about completing the phrase, Mike had vanished away by closing the door.
As if I would want something from a secret admirer, if it’s not you.
Before he could get any deeper in these delusionals thoughts, he occupied himself with the box in front of him. Will picked it up and began to examine it.
It was a simple box, with just some little drawings of rainbows and… D&D stuff, like dragons, paladins and clerics.
Will started thinking that this could be from Lucas or Dustin, but while opening it, he was sure none of them could draw that good nor would write the amount of letters that were inside of it.
Carefully, he got them out of the box — he was pretty sure there were at least more than thirty letters there — and saw that almost all of them were tied up together, except for one, where it was written with a messy letter: Read me first!!
Since childhood, Will was an obedient person, and he was bored — his painting could wait a little; this was probably some kind of prank —, so he opened it and started reading it.
Dear Will, The Wise
The last time you and Mike were in Hawkins, I saw him crying over something he was writing. When I asked about it, he dodged my questions, said it was a new campaign.
I knew he was lying. He’s not one to lie, especially for me. Mike always helped me with my problems, so right then and there, I knew what I had to do.
The moment you two were out of town, I started looking for the paper where he was writing. But man, I’m sure you know how Mike’s room can be messy, dirty and DISGUSTING!
Anyways, after weeks of battle and braverism, I did find it, and it turned out to be a letter for you! At the time, I didn’t understand the reason why he wrote a letter for you, when you literally live with him. I was like, I know my brother can be dumb sometimes, but I didn’t know he was that dumb.
However, with a little more searching, I founded, like, a TON of them for you! They were under his bed. And, I know these were the reasons why he was crying, but still, I don’t get why they make him unhappy, when you’re the person who makes him the happiest and the best!
I really reallyyyy hope you guys didn’t fight. I hate when you two fight. Mike gets too grumpy and whiny.
So, to help you and Mike, in whatever situation you are, I’m sending all of them to you. Read them with care and with an open mind, I’m sure they’re special.
And please, don’t tell Mike I’m doing this. He’d get sooo mad. I’m not even kidding when I say that I’d have to change to another country.
All the best, Holly, The Heroic.
Will really hoped the neighbours couldn’t hear the loud beatings of his desperate heart.
It was too much information for his mind.
Letters for me? Mike crying over them? I’m the one who makes him the happiest? Is Holly trying to kill me?
He was nothing but confused. Why would Mike write him letters? Why didn’t Mike give them to him? Were they sad? Were they recent? Why were they hidden in Hawkins?
Will knows that if Mike didn’t give them to him or never told him about them, it’s because he doesn’t even want Will to know they exist, let alone read them. But is it really that wrong to know what Mike has been writing in these when it’s all for and about him?
He began to untie the string that held the letters together before he could think about how wrong it was to invade Mike’s privacy like that.
Will got the one which was in the top of the amount and, with trembling hands, he opened it.
October 29, 1985
Will,
I don’t know why I’m doing this. I could just, you know, call you like a normal person.
But the few times I tried calling you, it was somehow different. I feel I’m not being myself. I don’t know. I’ve been feeling different since you left.
Actually, I think I’ve been feeling different since our fight last summer, and that feeling is growing inside of me. I just want to go back to normal.
Mom said that I could try writing for you, just like I do with El, since I’m better at writing than talking about how I feel. So, this is me trying.
It’s almost Halloween. Dustin and Lucas tried calling me to dress up with them, and then watch some movies, like old times. I refused. I don’t think I can do all that and pretend your absence doesn’t bother me. It pisses me off. It was our thing.
Are you going to dress up this year? I really hope not. Is it weird? I’m sorry if it is.
I just really miss you. I think I miss you more than anything else, even El. And I know this is wrong. She’s my girlfriend. I shouldn’t be feeling like this. I should miss her, miss her kisses, miss her laugh.
But every time I close my eyes, it’s you that appears in the dark. It’s your laugh that haunts my thoughts. It’s our sleepovers in my basement that go all over my head when I’m alone. It’s your moles that go through my mind when I look at the night sky. When Lucas vent about feeling Max slipping through his fingers, it’s you all I think about.
I shouldn’t be telling you this. I guess I’m not sending this. This isn’t going anywhere.
I know it’s not normal. You probably would think it’s gross.
I’m afraid of what this could mean.
I hope you’re better than I’m right now.
From, Mike.
Will dropped the letter like it was burning him. The feeling didn’t go away. In fact, it seems it started burning him inside out.
For a second, Will thought this was some kind of prank that Holly was trying out or… anything else. He just had to find a reasonable excuse for that, because it definitely didn’t seem real.
But it was undeniable. Mike thought all those words, and with his hand, wrote them. It was his scratchy handwriting, and all about it was just so Mike.
He needed air. He needed to understand what was happening.
His poor heart might explode if he doesn’t keep reading these. So, he opened another one.
November 11, 1985
Will,
I guess writing you letters became a habit. I’m sure if I did send them to you, by this time, you'd be sick of me.
I hope you’re having a good time in high school, because here in Hawkins, it sucks. As if not having you by my side isn’t painful enough, Lucas is meeting some stupid jocks.
People still mess with me about my looks. Frogface is basically my name now. I actually don’t give a fuck, we have bigger problems than my awkard facial features. They’re probably right anyways.
But we met someone new. His name is Eddie. He’s super cool and punk, and even plays D&D. I think you’d like him.
Dustin and Lucas convinced me about trying playing at least one of Eddie's campaigns. They said it’ll be cool, but I just think it’s not going to be the same without you.
I’m still sorry for not playing with you last summer. I wish I could time travel, I’d do everything different. We’d never stop playing nor fight on that rainy day. I’d never said that shit. I’m sorry. I don’t even know why I said that when it’s obvious you’re like the rest of the party, and so not like me.
I tried calling you, but the phone is, somehow, always busy with Mrs. Byers. I feel like I’m losing you more by each day. I wanted to just be Mike, The Brave for you, and send those stupid letters, but I fear that you’ll start to see the real me and think I’m disgusting.
Why is this feeling so wrong when it feels so good when you’re around me?
I wish I had someone to talk about this. It’s almost like I'm going to choke out on my own feelings and words, and you’re the only one who could save me.
I hate this. I hate myself. I wish I was a normal boy.
From, Mike.
Will wants to throw up.
His mind is going a mile a minute, and he doesn’t know what to think.
Mike tried calling when he was in Lenora? Why did he never say anything?
You're like the rest of the party, and so not like me. Why is this feeling so wrong when it feels so good when you’re around me? I wish I was a normal boy.
Is Will going mad? He feels like it.
Was he imagining things? Was he dreaming?
Why couldn’t Mike just be direct about all those things?
Will needed to read it to make sure he wasn’t making things up. He got another letter lost on the ground.
December 7, 1985
Will,
It’s been a while since the last time we talked. I miss talking to you for hours unstoppable. I miss the way you say my name. I’d rather fight with you than this excruciating silence.
The worst part of this is that I know it’s all my fault. I’m a coward. Nancy said that you asked about me, and I feel so guilty. All I want is things to get back to normal, to call you and start talking. But I can’t. I know the moment I hear your voice, you’ll find out about me.
What would you think about me if you find out? Would you be mad? Disgusted? Would we still be best friends?
Best friends… Who am I trying to fool? We’re not best friends anymore. I’m not your best friend, actually, I might be the worst one. I ruined everything with these gross thoughts I have about you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
Somewhere, deep inside of me, I think that you’d, maybe, understand what I’m feeling. We always understanded each other. Maybe you could…
God, I look like a fool. I can’t even write it. I’m being an asshole with you and with El. This is not fair, but I can’t stop pretending. It’s natural by now.
I can’t stop thinking that, maybe, if I continue pretending, it’ll eventually come true. I’ll think all these things about El, and not about you. I’ll stop thinking about your stupid bowl cut, even though I think it’s the most adorable thing in the world. Your eyes will go away from my mind.
Maybe in the future, it’s her lips which will appear in my head. When I kiss her, she’ll be the only thing in my mind.
I’ll stop being broken. I'll stop being a mistake. I’ll stop being unclean. I will no longer have to scrub my skin in the shower until I’m all red, trying to purify myself.
I’ll be a good boyfriend for El. I’ll be a good best friend for you. I’ll be the one you need.
I’ll push these feelings so deep inside of me, that I’ll forget them. I’ll fill that pit in my gut that is eating me from inside out.
This is the right thing to do. El is the right thing.
Everyone will be happy and proud of me. This is what everyone wants.
… Mike.
Will was devastated. He needed to scream, cry, pull his skin out of his body.
He covered his mouth with right hand, and started sobbing so hard that he was afraid that he could start bleeding through his mouth.
Are these the signals Robin talked about years ago? Why does it hurt so much?
All these years, Will always thought that Mike was his Tammy Thompson, but, oh boy was he wrong. Mike was no Tammy Thompson. Mike was his Michael Wheeler. His childhood best friend. His paladin. His knight in shiny armor. The love of his life.
Is this their avalanche? Is it too late? Will really hopes not.
He tries not to wet with his tears the next letter he opens.
January 1st, 1986
Dear Will,
Happy New Year, I guess.
I swear I’m trying to make these feelings go away, I swear. But, somehow, it keeps haunting, mocking me.
Mom invited some people to New Year’s Eve and somebody wore your perfume, I almost threw up right then and there.
Nancy noticed. She asked if I was okay, if I needed to talk. I need and I want to, but I mustn’t. They say it’s wrong, filthy and dangerous. I want to believe it; it’s what everyone wants, because it's the right thing, isn’t it? But if it’s true, then, why doesn't it feel right?
Why does it feel like you are the right choice?
I feel like Eve in the Garden of Eden, tempted by the serpent to eat the forbidden fruit, even though God had explicitly told her not to do so. You are my forbidden fruit, Will.
I’m tired of fighting against it.
Sometimes I wonder if this whole shit about the Upside Down is my punishment. What if your vanishing was my fault? What if God was trying to give me a lesson and show me what this disease can do with the ones I love?
I don’t think I could live knowing I’m the reason for your suffering.
I don’t understand why this is so wrong, it doesn’t make sense. If it’s so wrong, why can’t I be guilty for feeling this? I only feel guilty for not feeling guilty about it.
This is ridiculous. I sound like I’m going insane. Maybe I am. You know, going crazy. It’s probably selfish, but I wish you were going crazy too.
Maybe I need a priest to come and exorcise me. I probably sound like my dad saying these religious shits. And I’m sorry for this, but I just need to hold onto something.
I just want to know peace again.
Mike.
It was as if Will was reading something his younger self would write.
He was hurting all over. Will felt like he needed to learn how to breathe again.
Will knew this was wrong. Mike should be the one telling him all that. He shouldn’t be reading something as personal and deep as these letters. Mike put his whole heart and soul in every single one of them.
But, no matter how hard he tried, Will couldn’t find the guts to feel guilty about it.
He was addicted. Will needed to keep reading, just as he needed to keep breathing. Mike would call it a hyperbole. Still, Will had always considered himself as greedy when it came to Mike, so he’s not any kind of ashamed when he says he wants to read these heartbreaking letters until he can feel they touch his skin like he always wanted Mike’s hands.
There was no good hyperbole nor metaphor good enough to describe the burning desire running through his veins.
Will wanted answers, and he would seek them until he was satisfied.
This time, his eyes wandered through all his options and only stopped when they saw an envelope thicker than the others. When he opened it, there were two letters inside, calling him over and over like a mantra.
Well, he really was a lost soldier.
March 22nd, 1986
Dear Will,
Right now, I’m on a plane, going to Lenora. After all those fucked up months, I’m finally going to see you and El again. I don’t know if this is making me happy or not.
Of course, I miss you two more than ever and we’re going to have fun together these days I’m staying over. But on the other hand, all the pretending I’ve been building is hanging by a thread. I’m afraid I can’t hold it up. I’ve never been a good actor.
And, in the last letter El sent me, she told me that you’re liking someone. A girl. Said you’re painting for her. Ever since I read that, my whole body has been buzzing and my mind can’t stop, not even for a second.
Is this true? Probably, since El is honest, unlike me. What is her name? Does she like D&D? Does she know your favorite candy is Reese’s? What does she look like? Does she look like me the same way El looks like you? Is she pretty? Have you been haunting her too? Do you have a painting for me too? Why can’t I stop imagining you kissing her? Why does it hurt so much?
Is this fat ass bald man by my side really trying to read what I’m writing?
Sorry, I got distracted.
Anyways, I just know that as soon as I get there and see you, I’m going to screw the whole thing, because I just can’t stop thinking about you and that stupid girl I don’t even know!
I don’t want you to realize the bubbling poison that I’m feeling in my stomach. I won’t let. I’ll conceal it, just like everything else.
I’m taking these flowers to El, I picked them out myself. They’re, like, I don’t know, 30% purple and 70% yellow.
Actually, I got them for both of you. The purple ones were for El, and the yellow ones for you, however I think it would be pretty weird to a boy give to another boy flowers, and it would be even more weird to give that boy more flowers than to your own girlfriend. So, I just put it all together and I’m expecting it not to disappoint either El or you.
I know it’s likely very childish, but I just wished the three of us could just have fun together, let all these dumb teenage problems aside. I think we’d have been a hell of a trio if we had grown up together, like true best friends. It would be much more simple.
Anyways, besides everything, I’m really glad I’m going to see you after all this time. Through these months, I know I’m not the same, I’ve changed, and I don’t know if you’ll like it. If I’m being honest, you probably won’t. But I hope it doesn’t drive us further apart.
I miss you so much. Hawkins always was a living hell, but without you, I truly think it’s worse. I don’t want this gap to continue between us.
I’m probably being a hypocrite, since I’m the one who created that gap. I’m sorry. It's just that I can’t even bear the thought of you finding out about my true feelings, and that maybe, deep inside, I want to break up with El because of you, and you ending up afraid or disgusted with me. Or worse, you get pity and try to keep me around, even though we both know it would never work out, or return to be what someday was. I guess it’s for the better.
I just want to see everyone happy, especially you.
Maybe we can go on a double date. Maybe we can pretend I wouldn’t rather rip my hand off than write that.
Mike.
July 28, 1991
My dear Will,
I couldn’t sleep last night because we’re back to Hawkins for the summer break and I spent all night long rereading these fucked up letters that I never sent you.
It’s been a while since the last letter I wrote to you, and a lot of shit happened. I have a few things that I realized to tell.
I was being nothing but an asshole with you and El, and I’m, like, really glad that you knocked some sense into my stubborn head that time in Lenora. Thanks to you, I returned to being myself again. You helped me see the truth by lighting up my path with your brightness.
Me and El broke up officially as soon as we got back to Hawkins after the whole Vecna thing. We realized we never loved each other that way, but now we’re real best friends, and I couldn’t be happier.
In fact, you did have a painting for me; it’s the best gift I ever received and I framed it, it’s hung up in my bedroom in our dorm. Yes, we live together now. Cool, right?
Back then, you said El commissioned it, however, later on, I found out you were lying to me for the first time. I was so mad. At first, I saw this painting and the idea of El feeling all those things towards me as an opportunity of finally becoming normal and worthy of something good, and then the truth threw me against the wall and crushed my bones while stealing all my air from my lungs.
I tried talking to you about it. You just said you were trying to help me and El, and I know you’re lying again. You avoided me for a week. But I don’t think I have the right to confront you, since I’ve also been keeping secrets from you for a long time.
And, of course, the most important: there wasn't a girl. She never existed. You never liked a girl, because, actually, you’re gay. Always have been.
You came out about a week after Vecna’s gone. And at the same time I was really relieved, happy and proud of you, I think I’ve never been so terrified in my whole life. Not because of you, but because of me.
You were… so bright, so beautiful, telling everyone who you truly are, and I couldn’t avoid feeling that envy under my skin. I just couldn’t understand why I still felt so dirty and depraved, while you looked like nothing but an angel.
There was a time that I thought only you could help me with that. That you were going to save me, to explain to me why I was so impure and ugly and everything would be beautiful. You never came, of course. It wasn’t your job to help with my internal crisis, and El helped me understand that.
I told her everything I’ve been feeling since that time in 1985. Actually, she discovered it for herself. We talked a lot, and she made me realize I was the only one who could help me with that. I’d have to take a look inside myself, and study a little if I wanted to understand my head. If I wanted to love and accept myself for who I really was. Now, I understand that if I didn’t love myself, nobody else would.
She even said that once I managed to achieve that, I could try telling you and maybe, we could try something more. I never was into self-delusion, but just that time, it felt right.
I have come to terms with myself. Sure, I still don’t have the best self-esteem ever, but I think I made great progress. It’s still a little hard for me to say the name of the things because I keep thinking about what the others would think, but then I try to remember that it’s okay, I have myself and that's all that matters.
I wasn’t broken at all, I was more like a puzzle yet to be resolved.
Hell, this was cheesy.
However, whatever chance we had to happen, it’s over. I’m too late. While I’m writing this, you’re at a drive-in cinema on a date with Gareth. I kinda wish I never introduced you two.
I know that I don’t have any right to be angry nor jealous, but I still am. I’m angry that I’m a coward. I’m angry that I let you slip through my fingers. I’m jealous because I wanted to be the one going on dates with you. I'm jealous because I’m the one who doesn't know a world where you don’t exist in my life and I’m the one supposed to be kissing you in my car.
I think this was always a lost battle, anyways. I don’t think you ever felt the same. I was trying to plant in dry soil. Right now, the only thing I can think about is how stupid I was for thinking for even a second that you could reciprocate what I feel.
William. My Will. I was just starting to fantasize about growing old with you, playing D&D and having the best time of my life.
But that doesn’t really matter right now, because I know what I feel for you is real and beautiful in all ways. I don’t care if you’re with stupid Gareth, I’ll always be by your side, when you’re feeling happy or feeling like shit.
You’re breaking my heart right now, but I guess it’s fair for all that I made you go through all these years. For that, I’ll never forgive myself.
I’ll be watching you my whole life, Will. I’m devoted to you, and only you, my sorcerer.
The only thing from you that I’ll have all for myself is that painting, that I still don’t know why you made it, and I’ll stare longingly at her, imagining what we could have been. It’ll always remind me of you, and with that I'll be content.
I just don’t want to live in a world where I don’t have you in my life, and I know that the moment I confess to you, I’ll ruin everything. We’ll never be the same. I don’t want that, so I’ll be content with the memories of growing in-
Growing in love with you, Will Byers.
The love I feel for you is the kind to give a man his peace and make him a better person each day.
I really hope you let me participate in your life as your best friend. I want to make sure to see you happy more than anything, even if I’m not the man who will lay down by your side every night nor kiss your tears and fears away, because you, Will Byers, deserve happiness more than anyone in this whole earth, no matter how.
I’ll always be yours, and only yours. I’m sure that I’ll never fall in love again, because no one will be you. You planted a kind of love in me that I’ll never feel with anyone else.
With all my love, Mike.
By the time he finished reading, Will was nothing more than a pile of hot tears and hard sobs.
His whole body was in buzz mode. It was like time stopped. Will couldn’t feel anything besides the weight of the paper in his hand and his poor desperate heart filling his body.
Will was in complete ecstasy, and somehow, still miserable. After all this time of suffering, the answers were right in front of him. Mike had been through all that same misery that he felt during his whole life. They felt the same way over the years, but still, it wasn’t near easy to read how Mike saw himself.
How could Mike demean himself and self-depriciate so much when Will had always seen him as the most beautiful, inside and outside, person in this world? It was painful to think why.
Will was tired of suffering, tired of thinking, tired of thinking about what others want when the only thing that mattered was what he wanted. Will wanted Mike more than anything. Will wanted to be happy with Mike, and no one else.
He had the letter smashed against his chest when he heard the door unlocking.
“Hey, still here?” Mike’s soft smile dropped the moment they locked eyes. Will knew that he only saw his red and wet face with puffy eyes. His voice was carried with worry and urgency when he asked: “Will? Are you okay?”
While Will is trying to find strength to stand up, he hears Mike letting his bags fall on the ground to come running to help him. He feels the warmth of Mike’s hands in his face before their eyes find each other again.
“What happened, Will? Why are you crying so much?”
The soft yet broken voice that reaches his ears only shatters more and more Will’s heart. Before he can help, he’s already crying in Mike’s hands. But he’ll stay strong for him, for both of them.
“Mike. I need you to be honest with me, okay?” The frown between his brows only grew, but he still nodded. “I– Were you being serious in these letters? Is this all true?”
Will knows the answer, but he needs, wants to hear it coming out of Mike’s mouth.
“Wha– Letters? What letters?”
Only then, Mike finally looked around them and saw the complete mess of paper that was their living room. The recognition only hit him after he looked at the one which was still between Will’s fingers. His whole face turned red and his eyes wide.
“The fuc- This is mine, Will! Who gave you this?!” Mike tried getting the letter from Will’s hand but he deflected, stepping back. “Give me this. These are all mine.”
“No, they’re not.” Will said with trembling lips. “All of them, they have my name. They’re for me.”
“Well, I never sent you those! So, they’re not yours to read.” Mike had watery eyes too. “Will, you’re being mean. Give me it. Please.”
“I don’t care if I’m being mean, Mike! I want to hear you saying, I want you to answer my question. Were you being serious in these letters?”
Mike was trembling with his whole body, his breath was unsteady, he was biting his lower lip and looking everywhere else, but Will. Mike was afraid. Will never saw him so vulnerable and scared before. He was deviating like a betrayed dog.
“I can’t do this shit.” He lowered himself and started getting the letters on the ground. “You can’t just read my stuff and act like I’m the bad guy, okay? This is not how it works. You’re the one who should be answering questions here. I’ll ask again, who sent you those, Will?”
“It doesn’t matter who sent me, Mike. Don’t you get it? I already read some of them, telling you who sent me those isn’t going to change what is going on here.” He took a deep breath before talking again. “Please, look at me.”
He saw Mike stop gathering the papers on the floor and stay still there, maybe thinking about what he would do. Slowly, Mike stood up and looked into Will’s eyes.
He looked so, so brokenhearted. However, Will only could think about how he never noticed how Mike looked at him. So longingly, so… lovestruck.
“You read them, you even said it. Why do you need me to say it when it’s written?”
Will wanted to touch Mike. He wanted to show he was there for him. Was he allowed to do it now? Wasn’t all of this one of Will’s endless dreamings?
Hesitantly, Will put his hand over Mike’s cheek and felt himself shiver when he saw Mike, immediately, melt completely in his hand.
“I need to make sure I’m not hallucinating, Mike.”
Mike seemed confused, like he was thinking too much.
“I’ll only say it if you promise me you’ll tell me the truth about the painting. The real truth and not that bullshit you told me.”
This was real. Will was going to tell everything he has been feeling towards Mike since he knows the meaning of the word love, even if he felt like his heart was going to explode at any moment. Mike deserved to have answers and know the truth too.
“Yeah. I promise I’ll tell the truth about the painting, Mike.”
“Okay.” His eyes were flickering. “Yeah, thank you. Okay, this is it.”
Mike was looking so deep into his eyes. He was looking for something, anything that could tell him to run. Will looked back, hoping that was enough to show it was okay. The moment felt intimate, holy.
“It’s okay, Mike.” He tried encouraging him, his voice barely audible. “It’s me.”
“That’s the problem.”
“I know this is hard, okay? But- try for me. Please.” Will repeated. He only talked again when he lifted the letter in his hands to let Mike see it. “Is this true, Mike?”
“I meant every word. In all of them.”
Mike started searching for air as if he was almost drowning for a long time. He pulled away from Will’s hand and started massaging his own chest, trying to make the feeling of desperation go away.
“I- I’m in love with you, Will.”
Mike was crying. It was rare to see Mike Wheeler opening his chest wide open like that, so wide that he started crying. It made Will’s heart weigh a hundred pounds inside of him, he wanted to say it back to Mike, wanted to assure him that they were in the same boat. However, before he could even open his mouth to say anything, Mike started rambling unconsciously.
“And- and I tried to make it go away. I swear I did, Will. These letters were the only way I found to express my feelings, I needed them or else I would suffocate on my own thoughts.” His voice was so shaky that Will was afraid that he could break into a million pieces at any second.
“I pretended to be someone else for so long, Will. I’ve been pretending my whole life. I thought that I was doing the right thing by dating El and burying what I truly felt. I thought that finding her in the woods that day was, perhaps, a sign. A sign that I had a chance of being normal and everything everyone wanted me to be. I was blind and so wrong.”
Mike started fidgeting with his fingers after wiping his tears, trying to hold his composure.
“It was always you, Will. I found El, but the whole time I was looking for you. I’ve always known that you were different from my other friends, you were special. The signs were always right in front of me, but then when they became too obvious, I turned my back and ignored them, thinking I could make it go away. But when you left to Lenora, it was impossible to ignore anymore. I was miserable without you, Will, I didn’t know which way I should go, I didn’t know what I was supposed to do, I didn’t know if I should follow what was right or what my heart wanted so deeply.”
“Mike…” Will tried reaching out for him, but Mike ignored him. It was like he wasn’t able to stop at that moment.
“And I’m really, really sorry, I know my mess spilled into our friendship. I became a complete asshole that time, I wasn’t being myself. But I’m okay now, I guess. I understand who I am and I accepted that part of me. I accepted. I still have some problems, of course, because I’m still me. But, I wasn’t going to tell you anything, ever. And I’m really mad with the person who sent you those, because when I’m finally accepting you’re- that you’re not mine, and that you’re with Gareth, that person does this and sends me to hell like it was nothing! And- and…”
“Mike, stop lying.”
That seems to unlock something new in Mike. Suddenly, he stopped talking and slowly, that grimace that he always did when he was pissed. With his black eyes wide open, his eyebrows furrowed to the limit and his lips pressed together. It made Will want to giggle.
“You’re saying that I’m lying about the way I feel about you? Really?”
“No, I’m not saying that. I’m saying that you’re lying by saying you were accepting that you think I’m not yours.”
Mike opened his mouth like Will had punched his stomach. The flush growing in his neck going to his cheeks only confirmed that Will was right.
“That’s- that’s not true!”
Will wanted to smile, but he only squinted at Mike. “I asked you to be honest with me.”
“I- You want me to be honest with you? Okay, I will, William.”
“Go on, Michael.”
Will wasn’t able to hold his smile anymore, he couldn’t believe this was really happening.
“I can’t bear the thought of you’re not being mine, okay? It makes me want to rip my heart off and hand it to you for you to finish the job already. It makes me realise that you just need to say one word and I’ll be at your knees, just waiting for you to accept me and my love. It makes me want to yell at you all the reasons why you should give me a chance to make you happy.” Mike sniffed while trying to wipe his angry tears off his face.
“But I can’t do any of that, Will. You know why? Because I’m not the one that you want. I’m not fucking Gareth, with his brunette hair and blue eyes, I don’t know how to play the drums, I don’t have his bad boy pose even though he’s nothing but a stupid mid nerd!”
“He never stood a chance.”
“What?”
“You know, I was never into bad guys at all. I’m more into, like, the nerdiest of nerds."
“Oh.” Mike seemed shocked, maybe he got the message? “So you’re saying I’ve been wanting to die for the wrong guy all along? There’s another one in this game?”
Yeah, he was hopeless. Maybe he wasn’t the smartest in all subjects like Will assumed.
“Yes, there is another guy in the game.” Will didn’t know where all this confidence was coming, but he continued before Mike could have a heart attack from stress. “Do you want me to tell you why I made you that painting and why I lied to you about it? Hm?”
“Yeah. Yeah, please.” Mike nodded eagerly.
Will was shaking too, he didn’t know exactly if it was his anxiety, or if he was too happy, or both at the same time.
“I-” Will definitely didn’t know how to start. “Do you remember when El said I was painting… for a girl that I liked?”
“Yes.”
“She wasn’t all that wrong. Of course, it didn’t have a girl at all, never had, but I-I was painting for someone I liked. Actually, someone I loved.”
Mike looked so brokenhearted, dear God. Will was afraid that he could die just from that glance before he even told the truth.
“I was making that painting that is hanging up in your bedroom, Mike. I was painting for you the whole time.”
Mike’s whole face dropped completely.
“What- what you’re trying to say, Will?”
“I’m saying that… I'm in love with you too, Mike. El never commissioned anything. All those words I said back then in her name, were mine all along.”
There. It was done. Will finally let that heavy weight out of his shoulders. He let the hot tears go down his face, he never felt more relieved.
But something was wrong. Something wasn’t going as planned. Mike started crying harder, sobs tried to leave his shaky mouth. Mike looked even more sad and broken. Why was he crying like that?
“See, this is why I didn't want you to know about the letters, about my feelings. I knew this would happen. You just… have this pure soul and kind heart.”
Will was going insane, it had to be that. He was hallucinating. Maybe Vecna was back and this was one of his living nightmares.
“What exactly are you insinuating here, Mike?” He found a lost strength to ask.
“You’re feeling so much pity for me that you’re lying again just to make me feel better. This is what I’m insinuating.”
“What- Michael, are you, perhaps, under drugs right now? I can’t just believe that you said that in a sane state. Do you think I would lie about something like that to you?”
Both of them were a mess of tears, sobs and heavy breaths. They were angry, confused and so, so hungry for each other.
“I don’t know! You lied about feelings to me before, didn’t you?”
Will couldn’t resist the urge of letting an anger groan out of his throat and throwing the letter still in his hand away. Why was he making this so difficult?
“This is what I’m trying to say to you, Mike! I tore my entire heart apart to you and said that it was El’s because I thought it was what you wanted.” Will got Mike’s hand in a quick movement and placed it above his heart. “Do you really think this is pity?”
Will knew Mike could feel how fast and hard his heart was beating through his shirt just by how devotedly he was looking to the place where his hand and Will’s chest met.
“You have no right to tell I’m lying about being in love with you when you don’t know how mad I went all these years because of you.”
“Will. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Will’s face softened when Mike’s broken voice reached the world again. “It’s just… I-I don’t understand. Why? Why me?”
“What do you mean by that?”
“Since that summer in 1985, I’ve only been a piece of shit with you.” His hand grabbed the shirt harder, as if he was afraid that Will could just start running away from him. “I’m difficult, I’m confused, I'm rude, I’m ugly. I’m just a jerk. I don’t- deserve you, I don’t deserve your love. So why me?”
“Mike…”
Will pulled him into a firm embrace before any of those thoughts could continue. He squeezed and held him close against his arms, trying to make all his insecurities go away, trying to say I’m here.
After some minutes, Will felt his shirt get wet with tears, he didn’t mind. Mike was mumbling something in his collarbone, something that sounded like sorry, sorry, sorry over and over again.
“It cuts my heart to hear you talking that way about yourself.” Will whispered. “You deserve love just like anyone else, Mike. I can’t even imagine a scenario where I don’t love you with every fiber of my body. This started when we were kids, and it only grows every day I get to know you more.”
Gently, Will pulled Mike’s face to his hands so that they could look at each other again. A soft smile appeared in his face when caressing Mike’s cheek.
“I don’t think my heart could belong to anyone else but you, Mike.” Will took a deep breath and continued.
“I love you because… I don’t know. I guess it just happened naturally. You’re just- this smart, protective, brave and beautiful person, I couldn’t help but fall in love with you. You’ve always understanded me, like no one else, without needing any words. You've always protected me when I needed to, but still, respected my limits and never treated me like a baby. You’re my best friend above all, you stubborn man, and of course you deserve my love. You’re my muse, and always will be.”
Something shifted in Mike’s gaze, Will didn’t exactly figure out what it was but he knew, somehow, he was feeling the same.
“I wake up every day, and every day I choose to love you, because I want you, I want every part of you for the rest of my life. I want to laugh at your stupid theories, I want to fight with you when you’re annoying, I want to wake up by your side and get to see you look like a real life prince when you’re not even trying, I want to help you with your internal problems, I want to go to dates with you. I want a life by your side, Mike, with your qualities and also with your flaws.”
Will had to bite a smirk down after tugging one of Mike’s belt loops and seeing the tone of scarlet his face went. He didn’t want to seem weird, but still he was kind of obsessed with the color and was desperate to go try to make it in his canvas.
They were even closer now, it made both go nervous, still neither back off. Will could feel the ghost of Mike's nose brush his own, one move and he could close the space between them.
“You don’t have to be so afraid when you’re here. It’s just me.”
“Just-” Mike laughed lightly. “If you could see yourself right now, I think you’d understand me.”
They were smiling together like nothing else in the universe mattered more than that moment. It was true. At least for them, and that was enough.
“Stop thinking about what the others want, stop thinking about what you think I want, Mike. See and feel what I’m showing you, think about what you want to do about it.” Will closed his eyes, and felt their hot breaths melt into each other and turn into one.
He wanted to stay there feeling Mike’s hands in his back forevermore. It felt as if he was in pure heaven.
“What do you want, Mike?”
When he opened his eyes, Mike was already boldly gazing somewhere below his eyes. What seemed like heaven seconds ago was now hell itself, Will was burning everywhere his body touched Mike’s.
“You.”
When Mike’s lips found his, Will was already smiling like he just had received the best gift ever. Their mouths fitted together perfectly like two pieces of a puzzle. It was even better than what Will dreamed about, he felt like he could start floating at any moment.
It was everything at the same time. It hit him like a tsunami, and still felt like a kind breeze of air against him. It was perfect.
It wasn’t even a kiss anymore, they were basically smiling against each other.
They only stopped when their teeth clattered, making both yelp. They stared at one another for a minute, both with unsteady breaths and red lips, and burst into laughter together.
“Sorry.” Mike spoke first, grinning hard. “I guess I’m just– too nervous and fucking happy.”
Will giggled, feeling his cheeks flushing even more. “Me too.”
Their eyes locked together again. They’re so close that Will could count each delicate freckle that Mike had if he wanted to do so.
The throbbing of his heart resembled the fast, intense drumbeats that composed the rock songs Will loved to listen to.
“I think we need a little more practice.” Will felt Mike's hands leaving his back and replacing themselves in his waist. “Do you agree?”
Will didn’t know when, all of sudden, Mike got so bold, but he didn’t really care, he liked it way too much.
He cups Mike’s jaw with both of his hands and answers his question by kissing him again. Mike seemed to get the message when he tried to get closer and closer. They never really needed words to understand each other.
All questions Will ever had disappear from his mind. Everything made sense now. Every fight, every make up, every D&D campaign, every shared look, every snowball led them to that moment. It felt worthy, good.
Will wanted to cry, maybe he was already. The feeling of Mike’s silky curls between his fingers, the sensation of Mike’s lips sliding against his, his large hands holding Will from falling because of his now jelly legs, it all felt too much, too exhilarating. This was Mike, his best friend, the man he’s been in love with since he doesn't know when.
He couldn’t believe he once thought this was wrong.
Mike was leading the kiss slow and soft, holding Will like he was the most precious thing in this whole wide world. He was so gentle, it made Will want to eat him alive.
The whine that left Mike’s mouth after Will’s teeth slightly bit his lower lip unlocked something inside of them. Something hungry and greedy.
The years of yearning and loving in secret came all at once. Mike was already stumbling trying to sit on the couch behind them and get Will in his lap when he noticed. It was nothing but messy, Will tried laughing but Mike melted every function of his brain when he started licking inside his mouth.
Mike had one of his hands sitting still unsurely in Will’s thigh, and the other one shyly getting under his shirt. When his hand found the curve of Will’s waist, it locked there as if it belonged there.
His hands were hot like the hell itself, Will wanted to burn till he died.
Will didn’t believe he had spent his twenty miserable years without the sounds of pure pleasure Mike made when he tugged the black curls in his fingers, or the feeling of Mike’s bicep under his hand.
When Mike broke the kiss slowly, Will followed him pathetically. He would be very embarrassed if he wasn’t so hungry at that moment.
“We should slow down.”
Yet, Mike started pressing his lips in Will’s swollen ones, then trailing them to Will’s neck.
“Yeah, we should.” Will managed to say after feeling Mike bite the side of his neck.
When Will finally got to look at Mike, he was sure he needed to paint him like that, with swollen and puffy lips, cheeks pure scarlet and his hair a mess. He was the one who made Mike look sinful like that, he was his masterpiece.
His dilated pupils while kissing each Will’s knukcles said everything he needed to know. I love you. Will hoped that the kiss he left in Mike’s forehead could say the same to him.
Then, a single aching question apperead in his head, and for that, he needed words.
“Hm… Mike?”
Mike looked at him. “Yeah?”
“I know it’s probably stupid, but…” He started fidgeting with one of Mike’s curls. “Are– are we boyfriends now?”
The question seemed to get Mike off guard. He got inside his head for some minutes and with a frown in his eyebrows, Mike aswered.
“No.”
Will’s heart dropped to his stomach. Suddenly, he was that young insecure boy that loved his best friend and was terrified of what that could mean to their friendship again. He felt the tears building all again.
“First, I need to get you to a proper date and then, I’ll ask you to be my boyfriend.”
He didn’t hold neither the relieved sigh nor the slap in Mike’s shoulder.
“Are you trying to kill me, Mike?”
Mike started laughing, and that was enough to melt all anger inside him.
“What? Are you the only one who can be sassy here?”
Will cupped his cheeks and kissed his nose. Great that you understood.
“Hey” Will looked at Mike again. “I also have a question.”
Will nodded, encouragingly.
“Was it Holly the one who sent you the letters?”
One of the flaws of knowing each other so much was that it was really, really hard to keep a secret. Maybe Will’s widened eyes helped Mike figure it out too. It was a mystery.
“Okay.” Mike nodded, without any emotion showing up. He started smiling weirdly. “I’m going to have to create a way of killing her through the phone, but It’s okay, I guess. I’m smart enough for that.”
“Hey, hey. Stop that.” Mike started grumbling, but Will pressed his lips into Mike’s, trying to calm nerves down. “She was just trying to help, and she did. Without her, we wouldn’t be like this right now.”
“Hmpf.” Mike muttered, between kisses. He was smiling now. “You’re right.”
Suddenly, Mike’s eyes widened and his hands squeezed Will’s hips in surprise.
“I forgot! I got more Reese’s.” Mike said with a smile bigger than his whole face. “Can I see your painting now?”
Will couldn’t resist the laughter that built in his throat. How could he be so lucky like that?
“Of course you can, Mike. Come on.”
Will got off Mike’s lap and took his hand, leading them to the rest of their lives together.