Work Text:
BOSTON RAIDERS: LIVE ON AIR
Comments:
→ IM SO EXCITED
→ ILYA INTERVIEW YESS!!
→ we’re finally getting to listen to him speak!!
- Introduction music -
Interview Host - Randy: Welcome everyone to the Boston Raiders, live on air! I’m your host, Randy, and we are joined by Ilya Rozanov today for our first edition of Offseason Interviews! You have been the number one requested participant for months. Thank you for joining us today, Ilya.
Ilya Rozanov: Of course. My pleasure.
Interview Host - Randy: Now, it’s been a few days since the Stanley Cup final had officially ended, but we wanted to talk about your playoff run as well. Ilya, how are your ribs?
Ilya Rozanov: The ones I had for lunch? Delicious. Put barbecue sauce on them
Interview Host - Randy: No, like, your injury.
Ilya Rozanov: Ah. I didn’t get hurt. Next question
Interview Host - Randy: Really? We could have sworn that was in the—
Ilya Rozanov: Nope, was never hurt. Next question, please.
Comments:
→ whys he acting like he wasnt playing with one foot in the grave
→ Ilya said YESTERDAY that he ‘felt like he was dying’ during the playoffs. Why is he just a D1 troll
→ oh ilya never change
Interview Host - Randy: Okay! Our next question, we wanted to ask your thoughts on Scott Hunter and his… confession on the ice. Were you surprised?
Ilya Rozanov: Why his little gay boy took full four minutes to get onto the ice.
Comments:
→ ILYA?
→ OUT OF POCKET
→ i mean… we were all thinking it but… didn’t expect him to actually say it??
Interview Host - Randy: Good observation! That’s very creative. Now, what about him being gay? Did that surprise you at all?
Ilya Rozanov: No problem. That is okay
Interview Host - Randy: You’re okay with gay people?
Ilya Rozanov: Of course.
Interview Host - Randy: Would you want to kiss Scott Hunter?
Comments:
→ what kind of question is that????
→ RANDY?
→ absolutely out of pocket what the hell
Ilya Rozanov: What? No. I kiss Shane Hollander, not Scott Hunter
Comments:
→ um
→ ilya…
→ what
Ilya Rozanov: Oh. Fuck
Interview Host - Randy: Interesting.
Ilya Rozanov: This is Live?
Interview Host - Randy: Yeah, but… we can all just pretend we didn’t hear that
Ilya Rozanov: Okay
Comments:
→ PRETEND WE DIDNT HEAR THAT??
→ WHY IS THIS HOW WERE BRUSHING PAST THIS??
→ i cannot pretend anything WHAT THE HELL
Interview Host - Randy: For the record, we think it’s great that you’re gay
Ilya Rozanov: I thought you were pretend you didn’t hear
Interview Host - Randy: Right…
Ilya Rozanov: May I leave now
Interview Host - Randy: No
Ilya Rozanov: I’m leaving now
Interview Host - Randy: Wait, few more questions
Ilya Rozanov: I’m going
Comments:
→ I’m sorry did they just follow him to the hallway
→ RANDY PUT THE MIC DOWN
→ is this legal
-static pause-
Ilya Rozanov: Ah, hello there.
Interview Host - Randy: Welcome back. Why did you run away from us?
Ilya Rozanov: I did no such thing
Interview Host - Randy: Okay! Let’s return to the questions. We’ve got to hear a lot about you recently, how do you feel about the fans calling you the best thing since sliced bread?
Ilya Rozanov: Um. What does bread have to do with anything?
Interview Host - Randy: They’re saying that, and I quote, ‘Ilya Rozanov is really putting the ‘fun’ in ‘hockey’
Ilya Rozanov: Is that an insult
Interview Host - Randy: Nope! It’s a very high compliment. They say you’re the future of hockey.
Ilya Rozanov: Ah.
Comments:
→ I don’t think I’ve seen a single person say that.
→ Randy is just fucking lying i cant
→ literally none of the letters in ‘fun’ are even in ‘hockey’ what is he on
Interview Host - Randy: Let’s move onto the next segment, reading some fan comments! This one says ‘Ilya, I have a picture of you hanging in my room and i kiss it sometimes’
Ilya Rozanov: Excuse me?
Interview Host - Randy: This one says, ‘Ilya tell us about Shane—’ oops! We were pretending we didn't hear that. Next one!
Ilya Rozanov: Aha…
Interview Host - Randy: This one says, “How did you and Shane—” whoops! That’s another Shane question.
Ilya Rozanov: Are you sure I cannot leave.
Interview Host - Randy: Just a few more minutes! We’ve got a few segments to cover.
Ilya Rozanov: Okay.
Interview Host - Randy: Our next segment is sports betting, sponsored by DraftKings
Ilya Rozanov: Uh, no. This is illegal. I cannot talk about this
Interview Host - Randy: Ilya, what are your thoughts on Drake betting $1,000,000 against the Boston Bears?
Ilya Rozanov: What? He did that?
Interview Host - Randy: Yes! Now, we wanted to ask. Did you lose the game on purpose so Drake would lose his money? Do you really hate Drake that much?
Ilya Rozanov: You really just ask me if I lose on purpose so Drake would win fucking bet?
Comments:
→ #RANDYOUT
→ FIRE HIM!!! WHAT IS THISSS
→ not really sure if either of them know how betting works cause...
→ CLEAR THE SEARCHES Ilya beautiful Ilya not gay Ilya not a sports better Ilya hates Drake
Interview Host - Randy: It’s just a question— Oh! Ilya! We’re not done here! Don’t go anywhere just yet!
Ilya Rozanov: *deep sigh* Okay
Interview Host - Randy: While we take a break, lets hear a quick word from our sponsor!
ADVERTISEMENT: Hi! Im Shane Hollander, ambassador of Calvin Klein underwear!
Ilya Rozanov: For fucks sake.
Comments:
→ this is a recession indicator i swear
→ Wait so Shane is dating Ilya and not Hayden? This isn’t even a fork found in kitchen situation. This is a fork in the fucking bathroom.
Interview Host - Randy: Thanks to our sponsor. Alright Ilya, your fans are currently talking about…. forks in bathrooms?
Ilya Rozanov: What?
Interview Host - Randy: Not sure! Anyways—
Ilya Rozanov: Hang on, my phone calling.
Interview Host - Randy: Oh! Do you want to answer it on the air?
Ilya Rozanov: Do I— no? No I do not. Can we pause.
Interview Host - Randy: Nope, we cannot pause a livestream!
Ilya Rozanov: We’re pausing
Interview Host - Randy: Alright.
-static pause-
Comments:
→ yall what do we think is happening
→ his agent calling
→ shane hollander calling
Interview Host - Randy: Okay! Everything alright over there, Ilya?
Ilya Rozanov: No but it’s fine.
Interview Host - Randy: Anything you’d like to talk about?
Ilya Rozanov: No
Interview Host - Randy: Cool! Is this you are is maybe you not were a perhaps it is you and?
Ilya Rozanov: The fuck are you trying to ask me?
Interview Host - Randy: Alright! That concludes our interview! Thanks for joining us, Ilya. Congratulations on losing the Stanley cup, and I hope you and Shane live a fulfilling life.
Ilya Rozanov: Wrap this shit up.
-
Lily: do not listen to livestream
Lily: did not happen
Jane: What livestream?
Lily: good keep it that way.